Hello All--

I've been married for 18 years and I have two school age children. I love my husband, I adore him, in fact, but he has a real problem with honesty--he seems to be unable to tell the truth. He also have a pretty unhealthy pornography addiction, which is the main reason he lies.

I've spent the better part of 5 years trying to get my H to be involved in the marriage. My kids were very young, however, and I didn't have the time or energy to follow through on many of my complaints. Two years ago my father died after a long illness and I just woke up--I was miserable and I had to make some changes, so I asked my husband to leave.

He didn't leave, but he did "come clean" so to speak, in that he confessed his long term pornography use and that he had considered going to a prostitute.

We both got into therapy, but I still felt like he was not giving me the entire story. For example, one day the children and I had met him at work for lunch and stopped by a department store. The toddlers waddled away, and I followed them. While I was about 20 feet away, a woman walked up to my H, put her hand on his sleeve and started to talk, asking him how he was and that she hadn't seen him in a long time. By this time the children and I were walking back, and although the scene looked a bit too intimate for someone I didn't recognize, I expected my H to introduce his friend and that would be that. However, as soon as the woman saw me, she said, "Oh, this must be your family, and abruptly walked away."

I was stunned by the situation, but decided to wait patiently for my H to explain. He didn't. When I asked him about it the following day, he said, "you don't understand, I don't want that now, I want to be with you." Assuming this was an admission of an affair, I didn't say anything. I was the mother of two year old twins, and I wasn't in a position to leave.

Well now 5 years later, I feel an overwhelming need to get my life in order, starting with my marriage. Although my husband has "confessed" to a lot of inappropriate behavior, he still insists that he has no idea why this woman (who turns out to be a co-worker) acted that way, and that he has never had any type of a relationship with her. I might be able to overlook it as a misunderstanding if it were not for the fact that I've asked him about this from time to time over the years, and his story changes. For example, I have asked for this woman's "Cathy's" last name, and he has insisted he didn't know it, and one time even gave the the last name of another Cathy in his office.

I know my husband has a lot of problems, but (I don't know why) I do love him and want to forgive him. But I also feel that if he's still lying to me, and I think he is, I would be foolish to forgive when it is likely he'll do this again. I don't want to break up my family, but this is something that isn't going away. We are in couples therapy, and for the record, our therapist also thinks he's not telling the truth.

I guess I'm at the end of my patience with him. Why should I stay in a marriage with a man who doesn't want to be honest? Should I try to stay?

I think you need to address it with him head on. There is a lot of good information on this site to tell you how to do it. I'm sure there can be happiness for your family if you and your husband can work together. There is too much pain for everyone if you want to break up the family without trying.

Their are strategies here to mend your relationship by yourself and with two partners enthusiastically trying.

Check out the Arcticle section for what divorce does to kids. That convinced me.

Sorry to hear of your conflict and pain. There's hope.

SIS

That's amazing. He's almost certainly lying. Who considers going to prostitutes? They either go or don't and that's dangerous. Get yourself checked for STDs. You have small kids. I understand feeling like you have no options. But you do - for your safety and theirs.

And he didn't explain the mystery woman? Gee, HUGE red flag there. If he isn't being honest with you, what choice do you have? Why would you stay with him?

"you don't understand, I don't want that now, I want to be with you." Assuming this was an admission of an affair, I didn't say anything.

He's right on one thing: you don't understand...because he isn't being honest. And you didn't say anything?! Are you that depressed? Or tied to him? Do you work outside the home? That helps a great deal in keeping you from feeling tethered to your H. What about church? Do you have a pastor you can talk to? Please try to find one.

If you take one piece of advice from me, please get checked for STDs.

You're right, I have been depressed. And I am not a stay at home mom--I'm a professional, and most of my colleagues would probably be shocked if they knew what was going on in my life. It's amazing isn't it?

I've put up with it all for so long because my parents had a very similar marriage. My Mom was always doing something secret and keeping it from my Dad. I kept it to myself then for the same reason--not wanting to break up my family.

From reading this site, it appears that most men (and perhaps women) lie about their affairs, even after they get caught. It's something I don't understand, obviously. What is it about having an affaif that they just can't admit it?