My STBXW got a new D lawyer a few months ago. Originally she was going for full custody, but this new lawyer advised her to request a 50/50 split with the kids moving back and forth each week.

I have had full custody of the kids since my W moved out a little over two years ago. From what I have been told it is unlikely that the courts would agree to this kind of custody arrangement because it would be so disruptive.

My real question is about my W behavior towards the kids. She has been quick to pick a fight with me about my choice regarding custody. She has told me how alone and hurt she feels because she can't spend more time with the kids. She gets very emotional at times about it all.

The thing is I have given her complete access to the kids anytime she wants to see them. I would think that since we are going forward with the D that she would want things to look good and would spend as much time with the kids as possible. Instead she is seeing the kids a little bit less all the time. This past week and a half she could have been dead as far as the kids knew. She hasn't even CALLED let alone come by to see them. Literally NOTHING. It seems so counterproductive to what she claims to want.

Does anyone have a clue about why she would behave this way? I have been trying to figure out if this is some sort of strategy or if she just doesn't care anymore. I have no idea.

Her head tells her she wants to be a good mother and her belief is that good mothers fight for full custody. But frankly, the fog-induced immaturity says she can't be bothered with the details and responsibility.

Take it from a girl who was raised by "world-revolves-around-me" Scarlett O'Hara, I know what it's like to be considered an accessory instead of a child.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

starman,

Document all of the times she comes and the amount of time she spends with the kids. Have it all down, so that the courts can see it. They have a chance at 50/50 because you are a male. They have NO CHANCE at full custody, because she abandoned the kids.

Document, document, document.

God Bless,

JL

Don't try to understand. Drives you nuts.

Just keep good records. It will be *very* good for you, and most likely better for the kids.

I agree with everything said -- document everything and don't try to figure it out.

Maybe she wants to limit her CS obligation with the 50/50? Perhaps you could offer her a little more time with the kids as a trial run (not 50/50) -- present it as a transition for them and see what happens without having to change the order????

My stbx insisted on 50/50, but I presented something that is more like 57/43. I find that he is overwhelmed at times with this, but it is essentially working. He does have them two nights during the week (mon/tues); I only agreed to this as long as he kept their schedules and house rules consistent to mine. So far so good.

You should be very worried. JL was correct - because she is female there is a good chance that she would be granted 50/50 depending on what state you live in. Don't fool yourself about that arrangement being disruptive. The courts only care that the kids get to see both parents as much as possible and the kids generally adjust.

JL was also correct about documenting everything. There is software for excel that can help you get organized called "time tracker".

It could also be that you don't have a problem with the kind of mom she is, and would appreciate splitting the responsibility of taking care of the kids. In that case you should consider saving yourself the lawyer $$ and just make an offer to her.

Don't waste your time trying to figure her out. The other poster was probably correct about it being her worried about her "mother" image. Look at her replies - "I'm lonely, I miss the kids, I'm hurt" All about her - nothing about the kids and how they might feel.

Sunny

From KA's post "Her head tells her she wants to be a good mother" but perhaps inside she doesn't feel like she can do as much as she's asked for so she is sabotaging her shot at even 50/50 (consciously or subconsiously).

My X demanded full custody, then 50/50, and after a psych. eval. he ended up with even less than I proposed to him in the early stage. Hmmm! Sometimes I think it's others telling them what they want, and internally they know they can't handle that much.

Good Luck.

Newly

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My X demanded full custody, then 50/50, and after a psych. eval. he ended up with even less than I proposed to him in the early stage. Hmmm! Sometimes I think it's others telling them what they want, and internally they know they can't handle that much.

Good Luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I belong to a non-custodian parent's website, and believe me when I tell you that you were very lucky. A lot of really bad parents manage to hide what they are in front of a psych, and a lot of judges feel that moving around doesn't bother the kids. Only documentation of her lack of commitment will help starman. Some more conservative (read bible) states will lean toward mom in spite of what she has done to the children by abandoning them.

When my x and I were up in front of a judge and he said that he wanted every other weekend for the kids to make a four hour one-way trip to see him for a weekend I was amazed that the judge thought the financial and temporal resources were just no problem. Imagine with gas prices the way they are, adding 13,000 miles a year to your budget or 30mpg = 433 gallons or $866 bucks worth of gasoline... And who wouldn't think that kids would come to hate 8 hours in the car EOW? Some of these custody laws are crazy.

Sunny

Thanks everyone!

I feel pretty good about the situation I'm in and how custody will be decided. My lawyer has told me that the courts here rarely do a 50/50 split unless the parents specifically ask for it. He was very quick to suggest that I keep the arrangement that I have requested in place and not make a counter offer. I hope he knows what he's talking about!

I will be worried until this is all done, of course. A 50/50 split is the worst case scenario at this point. I don't think my STBXW is a TERRIBLE mother, but she definitely is the type described by KaylaAndy. I believe what would happen is that even in a 50/50 arrangement, I would have the kids about 75% of the time. I honestly don't think she could handle anymore than that. Then if I document that for a period of time I could go back and try to get it changed if I felt it was worth the trouble.

Starman,

There aren't many "do overs" in custody. If you have custody and you think it is the children's best interest for the current situation to continue, then fight for it and keep it. Don't agree to something (ever ever ever) just because your lawyer says you can do it over, or because the judge yells at you (they do that - trust me), or because your ex seems pitiful. Do your best for you kids and then stick to it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck!

Sunny

The judge in my case treated me like crapola, put me down, was condescending and insulting, I think he was trying to crack me open like a coconut...but I stood there and took it...even gave me crap for wanting alimony (gave it to me anyway)..

And I am the BS!!!

I think it is because I am a man that he treated me that way because I don't believe for a second he would have done that to a woman.

The judge asked me "What do you need alimony for" in a snotty tone and I said "Because for one my wife walked out in the middle of school, I've been the primary caretaker for 13 years eschewing my career for hers" I showed him my income prior to our marriage and afterwards, and her income prior to the marriage and afterwards...while mine dropped %80 hers rose %500 and that was that...

Alimony, full custody, child support, retirement, insurance, house...

It is tough being a man in divorce court when you want custody, thank god she wasn't fighting it because I KNOW I wouldn't have gotten it.

Cheaters don't always win...sometimes the home team wins one

Sunny,

Thanks for the help with this. I have heard how hard it is to get a custody agreement changed once it's in place. I'm thinking that since the custody arrangement that I would like is the way that it has actually been for the last two years that it should be somewhat difficult for my STBXW to get it changed. I know nothing is for sure, but I can't think of anything else I could be doing to help my situation.

I was seriously thinking about requesting a psych. eval. for my STBXW. I think she's got some real problems, but I realize I could be a bit biased! It would give me some peace of mind and I could even offer to go through one myself. I'm sure it would make my STBX very nervous. I don't want it to look like I'm trying to intimidate her or be an [censored], I honestly have some concerns.

starman

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

Star,
We did a psychological evaluation for custody. Know that if you request one, it will be on both of you, not just on her. The evaluator was very open with the test results, we each have issues (I'm too lenient). In these cases, the evaluator/courts tend to side with the parent they feel is more flexible and cooperative in coparenting. My X obviously wasn't.

Someone gave my X advice early on to demand the kids. Since he was living with his parents, he took (and I mean dragged) the kids to that house every other day. Three adults and two kids is far easier than being a single parent. X thought that since he followed this 50/50 for 18 months that this would continue when he lived on his own.

After interviews with caretakers, parents, school, etc. the evaluator got the real picture, and gave him less time than the 50/50. And the evaluator ignored the DYFS case on X (not abuse - just poor parenting judgement).

Why do I say this? Because if someone's case for custody is based on having others involved in parenting, I think they really do take this into account.

I felt like a single parent while married. My inlaws spent more time with my kids than X ever did. Now I'm a single parent with some free time.
Some people have a hard time with single parenting, I have more time now to enjoy with my kids. (less time overall with them - but I try to spend time without them doing errands/shopping, etc.)

Trust your instincts and don't be vindictive with custody. My X was a horrible father. He's improved, but still not father of the year by any means.

Good Luck.

newly,

I know exactly what you mean as far as feeling like a single parent when you were still M! I didn't realize how much I had taken over every aspect of the household until my STBXW moved out. I was so busy just living life that I hadn't noticed how bad it had gotten. Of course everyone let me know after the fact that they couldn't believe what I had been putting up with for so long.