I have been with XH 12 years, was M almost 9, I was just wondering if anyone regretted their D being final just days afterwards?

I put my D on hold twice in Feb. & made a bad decision, one based out of anger, & called the lawyer asking him to file the petition. I have been D 2 weeks now & XH & I r "dating", talking about re-marriage possibly next year.

I now of course wish I had kept it on hold, since I obviously wasn't ready to D him & we r attempting to really work on us as a couple, being more open & honest than we have in years with each other & all of our issues that brought us to this point & the changes we both have to make in order for us to re-marry. XH never wanted the D to begin with & asked me to stop it or least do a trial separation for a yr. I didn't & now wish I had.

I really feel stupid for rushing into this D, since we have been separated I had my peace of mind back, I wasn't dwelling on FOW & OC anymore although I know they will always be a part of our lives if we reconcile. He is such a different man now or at least it seems that way, still has a lot of work to do on himself as do I.
I am not even totally sure I want to be a stepmother again, but that would be part of the package.

Just wondering if anyone else felt like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by B is free:
<strong> I was just wondering if anyone regretted their D being final just days afterwards?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is more common than you'd believe. I was seeing a counselor last year who had just gotton divorced. She had her own apartment, had her daughter living with her and was really 'moving on' with her life after 18 years of marriage. Why did she divorce, I asked her. He simply neglected me, she responded. He brought nothing to the relationship. Nothing.

But not long after the D was final, they started dating again. Just dating. She knew she still loved him, but couldn't break through to him that she got nothing out of the M and had to divorce. He finally 'got it' and realized how much she meant to him. They are still together and planning on remarrying.

It does happen occasionally.

I guess it does & I know a couple who re-married after being apart 15 yrs.

I just hope I am not setting myself up for another heartbreak. We have so many issues to work thru.

I know if it is God's will it will come to pass.

Just can't help feeling dumb & full of regret right now.

Hey,

I was just lurking and am glad to see you today. I miss you girl!!

I know that you are feeling a bit of the D blues, but don't fret I think you made the right decision for your M. That doesn't mean that the deision has to be permanent, but it does shed a little light on him that you will stand up for yourself and your feelings. Don't rush back into things with him too fast (only my opinion).

He may not learn the lesson if you continue to act as the wife he once had. That may put the two of you right back where you started and I know that you don't want that. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I feel your pain and I know what you did to save your M, Remember it's up to him B, not you. Let him do the work that he needs to do, he'll suck you back in and still have his freedom to do whatever.

Make sure that everything is POJA'd that you need to be. Otherwise on a lighter note be happy and enjoy your new found freedom a bit. You might find the company of someone other than your XH refreshing - you might need a little variety to be sure that he is what you wnat and NEED!!

I was reading another post this morning and found that someone else said that most of these H that have these tendencies for outsside families (and have been taking care or bonding with them never really leave them and on some level never will). I think that has a punch to it!!

But it could very well be true. Continue to ask yourself if that is the kind of life that you really want and deserve or do you deserve more or something different. I don't think we should have to settle for what someone is willing to give us apart from someone else. I think we are worthy to have it all we just have to wait on it ( the Lord has promised it to you ).

You know I love you B, I don't mean to upset or hurt you, but I only want you to be sure or kind of sure anyway of what you want and need. I wish the best for you always and I know your strength will see you through whatever is thrown at you.

To answer your question I don't think you really rushed into this D. He had ample chances to have the M go in a different direction. We all have choices and his choice was to do nothing so this was the result that he got and deserved for taking his M for granted. But yes, as I am in this same boat with STBXH I feel that some and many people feel and will feel exactly what you do especially if they followed through with a D that they really did not want, but needed to do for their sanity and self respect!!

So yes, you are normal just don't be too hasty with your next decision whatever it maybe!!


Love ya,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Today is a good day I can actually think clearly and talk in complete sentences or at least type in them!! (HA HA HA HA HA )

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

Hey JT!

Miss & love u too girl.

I am gonna print out your response, cuz I know u know the hell I went thru with XH all of 2003 & 2004.

U r so right, I shouldn't be rushing, the decision is still final whether we start to "date" now or next year - we are divorced. I have been beating myself up over my angry decison & it is helping nothing.

Putting him out definitely opened the door to freedom for him & now he is legally free as well to do and see who he pleases. He didn't run to FOW this time so that says a lot I guess.

Why is he NOW seeing some of the things I was trying to show him b4 when we lived under the same roof? I don't regret for one minute filing, or putting him out - my sanity was definitely at stake or my freedom cuz I wanted to hurt him physically.

As I said I just wish it wasn't final - over - done.

I know I need to slow down as far as our "relationship goes". We have trust issues on both our parts to work on as well & I certainly don't want him thinking he still has me as "wifey in waiting again" while he is free to pursue a new relationship.

Spending time with someone new would be good, but I don't want to, truth be told I should be spending time with B & only B right now but I don't want to do that either.

Thanks so much for you advice I will take it to heart.

BTW how goes it with u???

I pray all is well or at least getting there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well,

That is a whole 'nother soap opera!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The same as before pretty much, but I am waiting on our next court date for RO (he'll be served with D papers there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

I'll have to update you further later tonight when I'm not at work!!

Look for the update,

Remember I am behind you in whatever you choose to do!!

Love ya,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Waiting 2 Exhale ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by B is free:
<strong> I have been D 2 weeks now & XH & I r "dating", talking about re-marriage possibly next year.

I now of course wish I had kept it on hold, since I obviously wasn't ready to D him & we r attempting to really work on us as a couple, being more open & honest than we have in years with each other & all of our issues that brought us to this point & the changes we both have to make in order for us to re-marry. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think you would be in this position (dating & working on each other) if you hadn't gone as far as the D?

I'm with Graeme on this one. My guess is your X wouldn't have put any effort into this until he realized you had the guts to do what is right for you.

I would also like to echo Waiting's caution. Just because your ex-husband seems to be putting effort into the relationship, doesn't mean he's really seen the light.

It could just mean he's trying to win you back, and has put the OW in a holding pattern. Some men who like to have more than one woman will go to extrordinary lengths to keep whichever one shows signs of leaving for good. (Your X just never really thought you'd leave.)

I had a boyfriend like that once. To this day, I'm not sure if I was the OW or C was the OW. LOL. Anyway, when I got fed up and broke up, he conjoled me into a meeting at the zoo. Where he proposed with the biggest diamond. I swear it was 4 carats. I said no, of course, but he ha gotten back in the door.

When C got fed up and left town, he rushed down to the train and jumped on the train and wouldn't get off for two hours.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Finally, I just gave up and didn't ever believe a word he said. C left the country for a year or two working abroad.

I'm telling you this so that you are on the lookout.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you think you would be in this position (dating & working on each other) if you hadn't gone as far as the D? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No way, we were doing nothing constructive while living together during the M at all. I most certainly agree he never thought I would actually file much lest put him out so now that he knows I meant business he is acting differently.

We talked quite a bit over this past weekend & we r defintiely not rushing into a re-marriage. IF that happens at all it won't be this year. We will be divorced for a year & take things slowly, starting off with building a strong friendship which is the way we started off & totally lost that over time, lack of communication & neglect.

I know OW is showing her true colors & using him as a babysitter, cuz she gets "lost" when it is time for him to drop off OC. Out looking for her next victim no doubt. She knows he is "free" now & surprise, surprise the attraction is gone for both of them.

When & if we get to the point re-marriage I will for sure talk to him about POJA concerning all issues - especially where Mere's visits are concerned well before that happens.

So for right now we r taking it one day at a time. We did not need to live in the same house anymore, too much pain, hurt & anger on both sides & it would have for sure killed any love we still felt for each other.

He doesn't believe in counseling, I do but I can't make him go. He has started going back to church so that is a start in him being the man he used to be.

I still regret my decision to D him but I have to pray over it & let it go afterall whats done is done. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, even this & I already know that if it is God's will we will not stay D.

Thanks for the advice GB, I am definitely being cautious, I know true change takes time, & that is what I plan to do - take my time.

(((B)))
You can only move forward now ...
Let's make a pact ... we will hold each other's hands through all this 'dating' experience ... ok?
What is done is done and there is no point into thinking about the 'what if's

We know we would not be in this place that we are now ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We talked quite a bit over this past weekend & we r defintiely not rushing into a re-marriage. IF that happens at all it won't be this year. We will be divorced for a year & take things slowly, starting off with building a strong friendship which is the way we started off & totally lost that over time, lack of communication & neglect.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still regret my decision to D him but I have to pray over it & let it go afterall whats done is done. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, even this & I already know that if it is God's will we will not stay D.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God is always with us and do not want to see his children hurt ... we removed ourselves from a situtation that was causing hurt and pain and are now in a better position ...

Mily,

Thanks so much, I have got your back, glad to know u have mine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

U just never know what will happen in this life do u?

I know God won't put more on me than I can bear & I had had enough. Working thru my regret & looking forward to the future now, whats done is done. If that future includes XH, great, if it doesn't great.

No more tears, that is for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugs to u to sweetie!