I moved out before Christmas, a horrible fight between us. It was the final straw, ENOUGH. I can't believe it's been almost three months, and there's three to do. True, I put a deadline on my life, I signed a six month lease on an apartment and decided that I would decide to divorce or reconcile by then, that I won't go on for years as I already have in a dead marriage - nope, not a dead marriage, a mean, destructive marriage that made me very unhappy in most of it's four years.

My husband's only seen his little boy, now eleven months, four times since I moved out. First time I was back from a trip from Oregon to be with my dad three weeks over Christmas, I thought I'd get an apartment near my ex so he could see his kid and help out too. Nope, I dropped him off, he did the emotional thing on me which I don't trust anymore, cryed with the boy. I left. Called saying I was going to be a little late. He went on and on saying how irresponsible I am, cutting me down. He had not seen his son for almost four weeks, the baby slept most of the four hours he was there, it was only five oclock, what a jerk. I went and picked up my son, cancilled the check on the apartment I found in this town and found a hotel.

We moved back to the town we lived in five hours away, we moved right after my son was born. I found an apartment, signed this lease. I went out of state again, stayed with my dad who doesn't have six months left. Came back. Brought my boy to see his dad, we met at a counselors. Some Christian counselor who said he'd save this marriage (domestic violence, meanness, horrible stuff didn't scare him as God heals, plus profit is good for his counseling b usiness)... My husband sat in front of the counselor doing what another counselor called gas lighting - made himself look good and me look bad. Really the guy hurt his wife, sat there looking like a conservative businessman and the shrink said I was the one who needed antidepressants. My husband played with his little boy, we then went back home.

Third time I dropped by the house with my son. Was beat from businesss and I slept in the other room. Of course my husband started on me as he always does cutting me down for this or that. I told him I'd had enough. I left, went to the coffeeshop and worked there all day while he watched his son. Before I was planning on doing taxes at the house while he babysat. I felt like the house was poisoned, I told him it was. He said it was my house too, my stuff is still there. I told him I know I need to get my stuff. It was a big house, really big house, in the suburbs, I married a banker with money. But there's more peace and happiness in my little apartment with nothing, I didnt' even bring my mostly designer clothes, bought new stuff at a thrift store. Put a matress on the floor. Bought plastic silverware. A new couch and a bean bag chair. That's it and I'm happy. My husband thinks I'll return, he said as I left that he knew I wouldn't really leave and he doesnt think I have.. as I have it made as he calls it. That's his values, having it made is related to money and money alone. It's about as deep as he goes.

Number four was the other day. I dropped by with his son. He cut me down asking how long he'd worn an outfit he had on, this is how he is, always looking every little petty thing over for a mistake. I'm so weary. Of course my son doesn't wear an outfit for more then a day, he just had to try to hurt me, that's his goal in life. Does it make him feel good? He loved telling me I was a bad mom over and over again when I was up day and night with a newborn, exhausted from doing too much, working, a baby, a dying father, a move... he said I was doing nothing. It's insane, most friends wondered how I did it all. Anyways I immediately told him he could have an hour with his son, I was leaving, going out to eat and would be back for him. He said it wasn't acceptable, he was going to cook us a meal. I said no, I will not be around him when he's mean and rude. There's no more. I walked out the door. Came back for my son an hour later.

My husband was supposed to meet me half way last night to pick him up. He called, left work late. Couldn't make it. He told me to call him in the am. I said he could call me. It got to be eleven am, I was steamed. Of course he's seen watching his kid as a chore, he's so selfish he can't be bothered. He already proved over and over he didnt' want the work involved in a baby. He even said it was my job when I asked for help repeatedly, he never did even give me a break, even if I was in tears exhausted from running a company and everything else. I was on this site venting, someone said I was a single mom in a bad marriage. I was, this is nothing new, other then I'm not as angry as I am in his house being a single mom. A friend emailed, said he's too selfish to raise a child, she said to move on, find someone who'll treat me right. There's nice men out there. She went through abuse in her marriage, said few change, if her husband touched her again she'd be out the door, with children involved. So by eleven am when I called him he was taking a shower, was going to leave about noon. I told him to forget it as he'd drive here, drag the baby to his house and all it'd be is for the night and half the day, then he'd drive back. It was over, he couldnt' even get out of bed happy to be with his kid for the weekend, or show up the night before as he should have.

Yes, he had the gal on the phone to say something about "our family..." I told him he doesn't have a family anymore, his wife and child moved out and nothing has changed. That I've had enough of the petty arguments. He said everything would be fine if I'd just get over my constant pms... really, he physically hurt me over and over, verbally bashed me, was mean, cutting, rude, unsupportive and my problem is ongoing pms... That made me madder so I told him my anger has a direct correlation with him. When he's in my life I'm angry, when he's out of it I'm happy and at peace. He said he didn't believe it. Yes, the man was slammed in jail, is going to anger managment classes, and thinks I did all this to him. Instead of apologizing for what's happened he's blamed me - hey not just me, my hormones. This is so rediculous. So I blew up, said he's pretty much helped me make up my mind that we are headed for a divorce. I've had enough. He doesn't get it, he continues to be rude mean and cutting and when I leave he doesn't even get why. He says I don't listen and understand what he saying, that he has a way he likes things... and everyone else in the world is like him. Yes HE has a way, MR SELFISH PIG and it's all about him. It didn't phase him that I had plans to work today, nope, that he didn't show up or leave at a normal hour... why, he asked did it matter? Well, he didn't think of anyone but HIM, not the baby, not me, nothing but HIM.

Friends, family saw through him so long ago. Yes I saw it now and then while dating but we dated long distance. One shrink said he showed me exactly what he wanted me to see. I think he was right. You won't believe a psychic, yes I paid one, said he can't control this and he won't change. BUT I know he can control this meanness because he did most of the time while I dated him. He had to or I wouldn't have married him. Now that I'm his possession, his wife, he can trash me. A man is supposed to protect his wife not hurt her, that's Biblical. I feel so stupid, that I married him, was warned, especially by my mother what it would be like to be married to someone so critical and selfish. i was a bit naive, I thought I could handle him. She was right, I had no clue, how he'd try to reduce me, bring me down and seemingly enjoy my tears and grief. As my business became more successful he became meaner. As I was a good mother, he criticized that. He went after what meant the most to me when he put me down.

Now I'm healing. When I leave him when he starts on me immediately, I mean it. There will be no more. I need to continue this slow process of healing from four years of horrible fighting and meanness. I'm tired, I'm regaining my health and self esteem. I have a little boy to take care of, it's not just me. I have to be happy for him, if I'm around my husband I'm a miserable person. How can I limit interaction with him. I told him it's divorce time that if he doesn't want to help with his kid, and he hasn't helped with a dime either, that the courts will decide. He said the courts would tell us to stay together for the baby. Really, the courts would never wish for a man who's been violent to be either with his wife or child, without serious treatment and changes. I've waited three months already for even a sign that he'll change, i haven't even heard an I'm sorry. He just thinks we are going to move back in one day - and he can continue his usual crap. What's with that? Does he really have no clue how serious this has been? Has it not even been a wake up call? The domestic counselors said not to hold my breath, few change when forced to counseling, not the men who've been voilence. I was pushed, shoved, thrown, smashed by this man at least a dozen times in this marriage. He thinks it's because of me? Look what you've done to me? How pathetic is that? I see him as so pathetic these days, he thinks he's such a big man in his big house, truly respect isn't gained from wealth it's from character and he has none.

How could I have been such a fool? When can I stop beating myself up for a bad marriage choice. When can I get on with my life? I was going to give it another three months, to give him the benefit of the doubt. My sister in law told my mom after hearing the last story, our last awful fight that lead to me calling the cops - that the nice days are over. Really, she's right, the nice days should have been over. That was the final straw. I had this mini dream that tough love would wake him up, it's the Dobson theory, and really it would work with a normal man. But normal men wouldn't hurt their wives like this. Nope, there's no wakeup here, just a man who's pathetically trying to control a wife who doesn't even life with him. I told him one night I care about the baby, but not him, that he took that from me. He had a look on his face, a bit of shock, what the heck, does he really think I could love him after all of this? He never deserved my love to begin with - I look back on our dating and my mom again was right, this man was all talk, lots of it, and no action.

Life isn't what I thought it would be. I've always won at life, good grades, traveled the world, a successful business at a young age, good friends, a wonderful baby that's so far ahead developmentally and is so funny... but my marriage, I'm a failure. I tried and tried to make it work. I stayed a few years longer then I should have. I tried moving out before, came back got preg, stayed for that. This man can't even be nice with a little baby around. No support. No caring. No real love. Just a big empty house. I don't know how to face my failure, a divorce would mean it's final, that I really did fail. I waited to marry until I was thirty two, thought I was smart, thought I married a mostly nice successful man from a good family. Look at what I got? Look how ugly I became?

I need peace. I am happy without him. There really is a correlation, when I'm near him I'm angry and unhappy. Apart I'm mostly happy and peaceful. Does that mean much? I believe in marriage, marriage for life. But this was never really much more then a piece of paper was it? I'm sorry for the baby's sake we can't work it out, I'm giving up on trying. On the phone today I told him I wouldn't come by the house again, of course he wanted me to do the work and drive to his place not him meeting me. I said from now on we'll meet somewhere, exchange the baby, be polite, and that's it... but likely if it's come to this it'll be fights between attorneys about custody issues. And I'll go for what child support and other money I deserve from this marriage of hell. My husband choked at my words, at least he heard me this time. ENOUGH.