Well, our D will be final on 4/25/05, but both are having 2nd thoughts we've been apart for 5 months now and both want the marriage to work. Heck, we both get along better apart than together.WEIRD
I'm just wondering is this just last minute jitters? Don't know.
We both talk all the time and love each other very much. Can a marriage end without one hating the other? It seems wrong to end with both of use still loving each other because of our differences. I'ts like were different people with diff. goals in life.
I filed for divorce because she had an affair and said she wanted it to end and she would marry this OTHER guy after knowing him for a week. She told me to file.
Does anyone else have these feelings that you know you both love each other AND want to be together and not be able to make it work? Just going crazy with all this doesn't seem real when I said I DO, I meant forever. Also I'm questioning myself for her having an affair and moving out. Is this normal?
When she first left I was focused and knew what I wanted to do, now I don't have no direction in life as to what's next. Just trying to get through each day alone waiting for the 25th which sadly will come very quick as these last 5 months have seemed like a week. Thanks

Don't even try to make sense of her right now. She's on another planet.

The only thing you can control is yourself. Learn every thing you can here and get ready to apply it.

It is normal to keep questioning yourself about the affair, but stop kicking yourself now. You did the best you could with what you knew. If we all knew what to do to make relationships works, there wouldn't be many affairs or divorces.

Your spouse's affair was her decision, not yours. She is entirely responsible for her affair. You both are responsible for the divorce.

I was about to about to say that my life doesn't have much direction, but in reality it does. About the only thing I'm missing is a nice woman to share my life with. I guess that will happen about the time I'm content to stay single for the rest of my life. That day is getting closer.

H2T If you really love your wife and she loves you then before the divorce goes thru why don't you and your wife seek some counceling and try to work thru this. Sometimes a little time apart means a who lot. Things that you thought were so important then are not now. My opinion is that you went to the divorce way to soon. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck and God Bless.

Well maybe I filed too early, but she but in order to make it final I would have to file again, the first filing was to separate monies because at the time she was with this guy going and buying anything tv's, video cameras, etc.
Which I'm glad I did now because she maxed her 3 cards for about 15000. that I would be responsible for but because of filing I'm not.
Another reason I filed is that the time she was with this guy she would tell me face to face the she didn't regret it and it was the best thing she ever did, but then eventually regreted it. Dont know how you can love someone and do that and say later that you dont remember or having my life threatened by this guy then saying SORRY, She is now talking to antoher guy and actually mentioned marriage(after knowing for 5 days) and after describing him to me sounds like my twin and after telling her this she agreed. So she told me to hurry and file and if I didnt she would, but then regrets it the next day. I just cant deal with this emotionally, she needs to make up her mind. Thanks

[QUOTE]Well, our D will be final on 4/25/05, but both are having 2nd thoughts we've been apart for 5 months now and both want the marriage to work. Heck, we both get along better apart than together.WEIRD I'm just wondering is this just last minute jitters? Don't know. We both talk all the time and love each other very much. Can a marriage end without one hating the other? [QUOTE]

I agree that it is weird, but I am living it right now & I can attest to getting along better living separatly than when we were living together under the same roof. If u both r having 2nd thoughts then put the D on hold & try counseling to see if your M can be saved. The last thing u want is to regret going ahead with your D if u feel that there is a chance your M can survive your past problems.

At the time my D became final we did not hate each other, in a sick way it would be better if we did or at least I had a strong dislike for him, but I am not made that way so here I am D but still in love with my XH & he with me, u don't want to end up like that so seriously think of putting it on hold & trying to work things out.

I hope things work out for u.

Thanks for your reply. I have now found out that this whole time she was calling and talking to me she was living with another guy she met at work. Again she says she loves me and wants to work on it but I can't work on it with her living with someone, DOES SHE GET IT? Obviously not, reconciliation doesn't work by saying that you'll work on it but in the meantime if it doesn't work out she'll have this guy to fall back on. Actions speak louder than words. I think she is more afraid of losing me more than she actually loves me. I don't want to make her come back I want her to come back on her own. For now life stinks. Divorce is unnatural. No one should have to go through this. Again Thanks

I am so sorry.

She is definitely not ready to work on your M if she is seeing anyone else much less living with someone.

U can't do this alone, talk is very cheap. Her actions have to go line up with the words coming out of her mouth. I got much lip service too over the years & finally couldn't take it anymore & had to file.

I too believe D is unnatural in some cases, especially if u beleive God sent this person to u & put u two together.

I am just so sorry.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{baddawg1976}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

baddawg;
i don't have much by way of advice, as i don't feel that i am qualified and everyone on this post is, IMO, right on the money, but i will share my expierence for what it is worth... i was in the same spot once, only it was 14 months after the separation and she was still living with the OM (for 14 months)... a guy she works with... i know what you mean when you say you get along better appart than together... been there, too... after she left and the typical scenerio of a fresh separation ran it's course, she said she started seing me as 'normal' again, and she felt as if she had made a big mistake, but her actions did not once line up with her words... it ended up that she was just having trouble in her paradise and looking for the door over there... just like she did when she left me over here... so all of my self-education and counciling/therapy paid off... it is not that i didn't want to be with her or that i didn't love her, i just didn't want to be contigency plan, fall back or a doormat... i am very pro-marriage, but i feel i deserve so much better than that... IMO, you may have filed too soon... i waited 18 months to file, just as i promised her i would... D will be final 5/2/05... and in my case, dare i say it, i am looking forward to the closure... one interesting thing about my situation that i don't often see on these boards is that after we spoke face to face and discussed what it would take to even 'attempt' reconcilliation, she plan-B'd me!... no letter, just stop talking to 'me' all together and i stopped contacting her... was a very good thing for me... we don't hate each other... in fact i still love her... and i probably always will... but i have excercised my power to accept that... for me, the only thing to 'do', was to move onward and upward... and just to address one thing you said, you can't 'make' anybody do anything... A, M, love you, be happy... the list goes on... they have to make their own choices in those arenas...

my grandfather used to tell me... when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging...

good luck and be well

samm

baddawg,
I was glad to see this thread.My H and I have been seperated for 8 months,and I filed for a D in Jan. however he will not turn in the paper work,says he does not want to get a D,that he loves me.Yet his actions say something else.I try so hard to go on but find I am still hurting very much,and now not sure if I filed to soon.
I thought if I filed it would help me be able to move forward,to start a new life however I am finding that I dont understand how you can be with someone for so long and then just like that be over them and your life.

I know that my H and I still love each other,we probably always will,my question for me is "how much longer will I allow him to hurt me"......maybe that is the same question you are asking.

Letting go is so much harder than I ever thought.
Best of luck to you,take comfort in knowing you are not the only one struggling in your seperation.

baddawg... not trying to threadjack...
but gingersnap... a friend of mine had a similar situation with her husband in the same time frame,,, he was living w/OW... and i will tell you that i was not ready to file after 8 months... it took me about 16 months to feel like i was ready to actually file, and it wasn't a good feeling at the time i did... i will also say that it took me over a year to really start feeling better and start 'truly' moving on, even w/IC/MC/therapy/self edu... but it will happen at your individual pace, if that is what you choose do... "actions speak"... that is why i am where i am... i am very pro-M... i feel everyone who has even an outside chance of working it out, should at least try... unfortunately, i was not afforded that opprotunity... and for me, letting go was the hardest thing i have ever done... but also the best in the end... good luck with which ever path you choose... it does get better...

be well

samm

samm
Thankyou for the words of encourgment.
My H says he wants to work on our M yet he does nothing at all,I am telling you nothing.If I allowed it he would live this way forever.Me in one place him in another.We live about 2hrs away from each other and work totally different schedules.Even when we lived together our time was very limited that we had to be w/each other and he never took advantage of it.

He would not got to C,would not read here on the site,or books I bought nothing.I never even said a word to anyone about his A until 18m after dday.

I tried,I put my all into him and our M,but soon I became so tired of it all.He was the one that kept telling me to move so one day I gave him his wish.I think for him he likes not having to be an H on a full time basis,all thru our M he never was.He never took vacation with us,never celebrated special occasions and always forgot when our anniversary and my bday were.He does not even know what days our kids bdays are.

With all this you would think it would be so easy to say "enough" "Im done" "good-bye" yet it still is not.I do not understand why I cant just get over it after all everything about him and our life is painful to me now.

I guess like everything else in life,time will heal.
Thanks again for the kind words.

gingersnap... we should probably start another thread... but, i will say that i can relate to you with the 'saying something and doing nothing' routine... just before she moved out, my STBX suggested we go to MC... i set it up and she never showed... she said it wouldn't help her... i also put my all into the M and tried everything i knew at the time to repair it and our R... she apparently didn't care enough and she would have continued to ignore my EN forever, if i let her...

part-time spouses... i feel you there... IMHO, fogetting the important dates of the SOs in your lives is a sign of selfishness... i don't have any children, but i know that makes everything so much more difficult... and the amount of time you spent together (more than half your life, if my math is correct) would be signifcant factors in the inability to just let go... it was hard enough for me (M-3yrs., together-8) to let go... took me over a year of hard work to feel better... time, coupled with a lot of hard work and self-discovery, helped me heal... i don't think time alone would have done it for me...

you are very welcome for the kind words...

Zen Truth: What is, is. What is not, is not. No amount of 'wishing' or 'wanting', can change that simple fact.

Ok I read this a few days ago but was unable to get in here to reply,I dont think I like this new set up.I dont even know if this will post.

Anyway I have had a bad week with my stbx and life in general,not sure what topic I should write to start a new thread so,,,,,,,,,,,if you would like samm go ahead and start a thread and I will respond,it seems to me you have some great words of wisdom I could use right now.
Thanks.

My xhusband is baddawg1976. I was NOT living with anyone at the time I was asking him to work on our marriage! I still wish we could work on things. I did make a big mistake and have an affair. I take resposibility for that. However, I was mentally unstbale at the time. I'm on disability right now after the doctors finally figured out whats wrong with me. When I seperated I had never dated anyone else in my whole life but him. I didn't know how to handle being alone. I ran away from home at 17 and got married as soon as I turned 18. He handed me papers so I was hurt n slept with the first guy that gave me any attention. I'm sorry I can't change it. If I could I would. and the wiccan stuff i was interested in was just a dumb phase my grandmother got me interested in and i dont even visit her but 2 times a year now b/c of it. That passed after a couple of months. and then our problems were me smoking. I wish I never had touched them. I quit now off n on. The only reason I dont quit for good is it depresses me SO much. it makes me think that I could have done that a few yrs ago and still have my husband that I still love! so I pick em back up thinkinkg its whats caused my mysery n pain and suicide thoughts and havin to lock me up in a mental institution b/c I can't have him back.

Also he posted that when I wanted him back I requested that we remain friends with the guy I had an affair with. ******, I'd never ask such a thing. He was mistaken or confused. The only person I requested to remain friends with is my best friend frank. he ws my neighbor at the time, not the OTHER neighbor. We've never done anything questionable. He's married now and has a kid and we're like family. My sister is even living with them right now and my mom and dad treat them like family. they are the best people you'll ever meet. They don't even drink or allow alchol on their property.

Well,I keep wishing he's going to call me oneday and ask to work on things. I'd give anything, ANYTHING, to have our marriage back.