It’s been a draining week or so. Went from beating myself to death emotionally to getting what I thought was a bad cold and losing what little energy I had, to finally ending up being sent to the E.R. on Wednesday. I woke with a horrible headache that my migraine meds didn’t touch, tried to go to work anyway to meet with a consultant, ended up vomiting from the pain and going back home where I slept a few hours before taking myself to my the doctor. She got nervous because of my headache and the fact that migraine meds didn’t phase it, and sent me to the E.R. for blood work, a CT scan, and originally a lumbar puncture (which thank goodness the ER doc decided not to do!!) to rule out meningitis before attempting to treat me for anything else.

It sucks being single and having zero friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I was truly afraid when she said “meningitis” because people can die from that. And frankly, I have LOTS of headaches and have never had an MRI or CT scan, so was also thinking, “what if it really is a tumor or something?” But yet I could think of absolutely no one to call to calm me down.

The Dr. didn’t want me driving myself to E.R. I tried calling my son who was home on spring break but couldn’t find him. Called my pastor, but it was Wednesday and he was going to have to lead the evening services. I attend a very small church and he couldn’t think of any of the women who would be off work and available at that moment. He told me if I could get myself to the hospital, he would call someone else from our church and put them on alert to come get me when my tests were done. Didn’t need to do that—I finally got ahold of my son. He did take me to the E.R., but being the selfish boy he is, he was too busy to stay with me and keep me company, so I sat and stared at the walls for about 4 hours between tests.

As I said, thank goodness no lumbar puncture—because of that I was terrified! Between the bloodwork and the CT scan, it was determined that all the sinuses in the right side of my face are infected. I have a feeling it’s been coming on for quite some time and just got really bad over the last week. Five days of antibiotics later I feel better but it’s still got a ways to go.

But between that, and worrying about remarriage, I've been mentally bummed for a while. And then the one guy from my church who I had sort of been watching from afar since his wife died last year has brought a woman to church with him several times over the past few months. He announced to the church today that he’s engaged and will be married in May. Great for him, but it blew up one of my silly fantasies. And it also just made me that much more convinced that I’m forever single. He was a widower, and outgoing, and his teens are very caring and well-mannered. It took him one year from the time he became “single” to rectify the situation and propose to someone else. I, on the other hand, come with enough baggage to send a dozen people on vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So on the 120 mile drive home from taking my son back to college tonight, I sat in silence and pondered, and prayed, and cried.

And then my sis called shortly after I got home and somehow we got on the topic of my being single (most likely because I was dwelling on it). And she said, “LL, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe you will be single for a while….a long while. But I’ve talked to a lot of people who have gotten remarried in their 60’s or even their 70’s."

So I’m hosting my own little pity party right now.

I want friends, but I have no idea how to meet or make any who I really have things in common with. I realized when I left my other job last month, I left what few friends I have there. I had a pretty good work friend, but she’s married. And at night, if she’s not doing something with her husband, she’s taking classes or now she’s moonlighting as a tax consultant. We can’t do lunch—I pick my daughter up every day at noon from school. At my new job, my little group of coworkers are very nice, but I haven’t gotten to know them well yet. And they’re either married or have “significant others”.

So I sink further and further into my little shell. If I didn't work and Target wasn't in our city, I'd probably never leave the house. I tend to have trouble making female friends anymore. I don’t seem to have things in common with many people. My neighbors are a great group of women, but they all have infants or small children, and 90% of them are teachers who are off work by 3pm each day and in bed by about 8pm. I rarely see them. And they’re all off in the summer together, so they have become very close and I’m sort of on the outside of the circle. They treat me well and I play Bunco with them, but I’m not close to any of them.

I think I tend to intimidate women. I’m reasonably intelligent (though you can’t tell by my writing, because I hated grammar!) I think people think my position at work is a lot more than it really is. I talk fast. I walk fast. And I’m tall and nearly always wear heels, which makes me tower over most women. It’s not intentional. I’m really a nobody. But I feel like the only reason women speak to me is because they feel that they should, or that it’s the right thing to do (i.e., at church). I truly haven’t had a close, “call her any time day or night” friend other than my sister since high school. And that was a LONG time ago.

I put my entire life into my kids and my husband. And now my husband is with another woman because I was dumb enough to file for divorce and not wait the darned affair out. My son has gone off to college. And even my baby girl is almost 16 and has an extensive social life and I rarely see her. I talk to dogs. I can see myself as one of those kooky old women you see on the news where they find 100 cats stuffed in the house with them, because the women is lonely and finds her purpose in life in trying to save animals.

So even if it is possible for me to be allowed to remarry (I won’t resurrect that other post right now), I’m feeling pretty depressed about my chances:

“Fourty-ish woman in the market for new man. Single and widowed men okay. If divorced for reasons other than a spouse’s continued infidelity or abandonment by non-Christian spouse, don’t bother. Also, if you’re thinking you’re going to get sex without a wedding ring, don’t bother. If you’re not a Christian, don’t bother. If you require a woman with a bustline, don’t bother. If you don’t have infinite patience and nerves of steel to deal with disrespectful and messy yet good-hearted ADHD teen girl, don’t bother. If you have asthma, pet allergies, or can’t stand indoor dogs and cats, don’t bother. If you smoke, or if you drink more than occasionally, don’t bother. If you require a spotless house, a full meal on the table each night, and an always organized and energetic wife, don’t bother.

If you got through all that and are still interested, congratulations! Now let me tell you a little about myself. I was unfaithful during my marriage, not once, not twice, but THREE times (with two different men…and one of them was my counselor and pastor).”

I truly don’t have a shot in Hades! I SO took my husband for granted all those years. I should have been more appreciative of what he was, instead of hoping and pushing something he couldn't be.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and think to myself, “I don’t miss the company of a man. I don’t miss having a companion to share my life with—to go to dinners, to shows, to travel with, or just to snuggle with in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn. I don’t miss SF. I don’t desire the strength and security and protection of a man in my life. I don’t need any of that anymore. I am perfectly content the way I am.”

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm guessing I'll wake up feeling about the same as I do now...just rather empty and rather resigned. Not a a very good attitude for a woman who calls herself a Christian. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Lordslady - Can I just say that I got depressed when I read this.... Why are you doing this to yourself???? You already have your future envisioned and it is quite - sad - How do you know??? I have been divorced for two years - I haven't been on any dates really - I am not sure if I am ever gonna meet anyone again - I am lonely - I have a whole bunch of excess baggage and one 15 year old and one 12 year old daughters... But I don't really try to think about my future - sure I have days that are worse than others but my gosh if I was to dwell on future like you - I would probably be as depressed as you ....You have to make things happen for yourself - you have to change you - you have to get out of this self pity mode and stop condeming yourself to this future of doom.... You are entitled to be loved we all are... You got divorced you didn't sign a life sentence of lonliness.... Everyone tells me when I am ready "he will be there" - you have to be ready yourself - to ever accept someone into your life.... And also I think that men move on faster than woman - so do not compare yourself to the widower at church - You need to go to a singles dance, or join a club - or take a class.... Stop doing this to yourself....

I know from reading different post from you that you are a Christian. If you have not read your Best LIfe Now by Joel Olsteen please get a copy or get it on CD (read or listen to it repeatedly if needed). You are an awesome person! You have helped me a lot on this site and I would bet I am just one of many that you have helped! I consider you a friend. I wish Marriage Builders overed a Recovery Type Conference for those that desperatedly wanted to save and rebuild their marriages, but were not able to because their spouses divorced them. You know a conference where people could learn to heal, learn how to prepare themselves for an awesome marriage one day and how to choose the right person when they are ready to do so (a person who also values committement). I am not divorced yet, but unfortunatley may end up divorced if things do not eventually do a turn around and I know if I unfortunately end up divorced that I would love to be able to get together with others in my same sitaution and learn how to make things better.

God Bless,
Love,
Stormy

Hi LL:

truly pretty those rose colored glasses you have on.

I would suggest you dig up some of your posts from a year ago (especially the one where your X was showing around OW's bust on his cellphone display ) to remind you why you got rid of him...

Somtimes it seems to me that you have all your priorities wrong. You are a real specialist at seeing the glass half empty.

For heavens sake, get a grip. You are 39, you are pretty, smart and thin (in many ways a lot like me). You have a lot going for yourself there. Tons of women would kill to be able to buy a size 6 miniskirt.

So, what I want to say: don't take everything with such a negative attitude. Start seeing the good things in life!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
“Fourty-ish woman in the market for new man. Single and widowed men okay. If divorced for reasons other than a spouse’s continued infidelity or abandonment by non-Christian spouse, don’t bother. Also, if you’re thinking you’re going to get sex without a wedding ring, don’t bother. If you’re not a Christian, don’t bother. If you require a woman with a bustline, don’t bother. If you don’t have infinite patience and nerves of steel to deal with disrespectful and messy yet good-hearted ADHD teen girl, don’t bother. If you have asthma, pet allergies, or can’t stand indoor dogs and cats, don’t bother. If you smoke, or if you drink more than occasionally, don’t bother. If you require a spotless house, a full meal on the table each night, and an always organized and energetic wife, don’t bother.

If you got through all that and are still interested, congratulations! Now let me tell you a little about myself. I was unfaithful during my marriage, not once, not twice, but THREE times (with two different men…and one of them was my counselor and pastor).”

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, LL you just described me! And I know I'm not the only one that fits that descript. Listen, you now know better than to be unfaithful, and you deserve better than to have it as part of your M. Let me be clear: YOU ARE DESERVING.

I'm lonely and confused, too, and I have interested women in my life (sadly, I still miss xW-another story). But this season is not about other folks, it's about US. How we transform ourselves into happy people regardless of who surrounds us or defines us. This is hard, Very. Yet it is needed work. Your user name tells me all I need to know about the only relatinship that matters. Forget Tom, [censored] Harry, Hans, Melvin, and Bugsy...You are The Lord's Lady. He will hear you, comfort you, carry you, strenghten you, LOVE YOU, and when you are ready, walk you down life's aisle right to the mate He favors and you deserve.

You have encouraged this sometimes miserable BS many times. Please accept this post not as a simple 'thanks', but as a reminder of who you are, Whose you are, and what you're really worth. A woman like you? A good man would marry you in a second. You 'baggage' is just the luggage needed for a life adventure with a really cool woman. Remember that, dear sister.

dlc

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know from reading different post from you that you are a Christian. If you have not read your Best LIfe Now by Joel Olsteen please get a copy or get it on CD </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is the BEST! I highly recommend you watch him too! He is not like other preachers out there! He brings God into every day life. Does he have a Psych degree??? He should!

What do you mean you have no friends? That just killed me when you wrote that! We are here for you! {{{{Lordslady}}}}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

LL,

Did you read my reply on your other thread. I still think some thoughts on self-love may be worthwhile for you. Not arrogant self love, but balanced, Godly self love.

my other reply

You need to heal first.

I heard a phrase, buried in a song of all things, that has been on my mind for days. It went something like "I bled until all the poison was out." It was said in relation to the songwriter crying from the pain of a broken relationship.

I realize, I have a lot more crying, processing, thinking, and mostly praying, before the "poison" will be out of me. And as soon as I feel "healthy," I will be instantly tested, with some new circumstance with ex-WH, my kids, etc. that makes me realize how NOT healthy I am (I obviously get a little too sure of myself).

To take Harley's analogy to a new weird level, I think I now have a poison account (vs the love account). And I will let resentments, undealt guilt, self loathing, ex-WH loathing, denial, some new facet of my divorce, financial woe from my new life, etc. start to pile up in my soul, until I am poison-filled. And I am sooooo ready to be "healthy" and "past this" and recovered, that I will not let myself cry, or react, and I will stuff it down, or start feeling sorry for myself, and the resulting poison will begin to build up and start oozing out. I find myself praying to God to help me not HATE ex-WH, or being short fused with my kids, etc.

Would rushed companionship just be another way to NOT deal with all the poison in your life?

I get lonely too. Went to a housewarming party for a close friend of mine (who, with her husband, had obviously befriended ex-WH at one point too), and I was the only single person there. And everyone was coming up to me saying "Awwww. How are you sweetie? How you hanging in there?" with massive pity on their faces. It made me want to cry about it all, and made me angry in the same instant. Angry that everyone there had to be feeling sorry for me. Mad that I was there all alone. Griefed that I felt out of place, anxious to go home. Griefed that I could just not chill out and enjoy the company of my friends. I watched the clock...could not wait to leave. And it was nothing they did. It was all me...all my inner chatter.

And I felt the poison just well up in me. I hated ex-Wh for what he has done.

Then, on Sunday, as soon as I walked into church, I felt a lump in my throat. Felt the tears welling up in me. And I just walked to the prayer room that we have, and got on my knees, and cried for like 45 minutes (ended up skipping my Sunday school class).

God is helping me get the poison out. So that someday, I will be fit for a Godly man. God would not pair me up with one of His obedient, Godly sons right now, because my current state of affairs inside, would hardly be a blessing to that man.

Just think of this time as our construction period. God is doing His work in us so we can finally have that healthy relationship we had dreamed about. And whether you participate or not is a partial factor of whether it takes you a year, two years, a decade, or whatever to get ready for that relationship.

Seek God in your loneliness. Something I am trying to work on myself. It is so hard....but I know He is what I need right now.

I think what you are feeling is very normal. And you should let ourself feel it, so you can move past it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Big HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lordslady ---- I too feel as though I will be alone for the rest of my life....but you know we are'nt alone..we have never been. I have 8 kids 17 boy, 16 girl, 15 girl, 13 boy, 11 girl, 10 boy, 8 girl and 5 boy. I am 34 years old and married for 17years I didn't know anything else but my husband. He is bipolar and an alcoholic....during my marriage I too had been unfaithful because I was searching for something that only God could give me.....not a man. My husband and I were toxic for each other and we stayed in the marriage for the kids for as long as we could but neither of us have ever been equipped to be able to live without the other and until we can do that we can't be with someone else. Until I realized that I wouldn't give up the search. We don't have to search he is out there and when God says its time that is when he will come into your life. There is an excellent book by Angela Thomas called "Do you think I am beautiful?" it is a wonderful book and it will bring you so much closer to God.

Am I lonely? You betcha!! Many would say how could you be lonely with all those children?? I am lonely for the man I had always wanted my husband to be....but what I found is all the things I wanted was the qualities in Jesus Christ and well we all know no one can live up to those standards. Therefore I am waiting, and it may be months, years, or today but as long as I let God and not force it. I too am tiny even after having 8kids 5 ft 3 115 lbs brunette..

I have gone out with friends but I can't meet someone out somewhere because as soon as they find out how many kids I have they will bolt out the door, therefore I have only the choice of someone already knowing me and how many children I have.

I would recommend a church singles group so that you can at least meet some women. Divorce Care is wonderful too....

Cheer up girl friend you are GREAT and things WILL get better...

8 kids-- WOW! I have 3 kids ( a Husband who chnges his mind all the time & struggles with sexual & drug addictons). To me it is so hard to take care of and provide for 3 young children. You are an inspriation. I can not even begin to try to imagine how to make it financially with 8 kids. You go girl!

(((LordsLady)))

“””It sucks being single and having zero friends.”””

It sucks being married and having no friends. It just sucks to be alone and lonely. I used to have what I thought was the unique ability to be alone and lonely in a room full of people. I was lonely at church. But once I found that two true friends, God and myself, my life changed. People who wanted to love me were always there, but when I couldn’t love myself, I couldn’t accept their love. Heck, I couldn’t accept God’s love until I first and finally realized that I am worthy, worthy as a child of God, of His grace, mercy, and love.

“””But yet I could think of absolutely no one to call to calm me down.”””

I can relate to that. I know, when I felt like that, in reality is was self-imposed. I didn’t let this person in because “they didn’t understand”, I didn’t let that person in because “they would say what I didn’t want to hear”, but my bottom line was “I” wasn’t letting people in. And again, how could anyone want to be friends with me, when I didn’t want to be friends with myself.

”””I, on the other hand, come with enough baggage to send a dozen people on vacation.”””

So you have a past, we all have them. Yes some of us did some bad things BUT if you properly deal with all your baggage, find forgiveness for yourself and others, then what baggage do you have left? Emotional baggage is only baggage if we give it power and influence over us. If you start taking things out of those suitcases and dealing with them, you take away their power over you and before long, you have no baggage what-so-ever. And as a Christian, you know that we serve a God of second chances. All we have to do is ask and believe. If you ask for forgiveness and then hold onto the sin, do you not then believe that you have more power than God?

“””So I’m hosting my own little pity party right now.”””

Actually, you ought to be a party planner because you host some good ones. And that’s fine. A pity party is good every now and then. I had my own last week. Of course, it lasted about twenty minutes and that’s only because I made it last that long. Then I put my big boy panties on and dealt with life on life’s terms.

”””I want friends, but I have no idea how to meet or make any who I really have things in common with.”””

Well, I suspect you have one or two on these boards and you have something in common with them. I’ve met some wonderful people that I’m privileged to call my friends, right here on these boards. Some that I call in that time when life has me stressed, some I call regularly, some I see once or twice a year, some I only e-mail, and some I just post to, but they are my friends. So why not start here.

What about a “divorcecare” group? Is one offered in your area? If you don’t know, call the local “area mental health” office and they should be able to help you. Again, it’s a place to get with people who you connect with.

You say you attend a small church, are there any larger ones around? I used to attend a small church with about 25 people and the majority of them were 60+. Guess what, there are other churches out there. I found one 30 miles away that I really connect with and it’s allowed my worshipping experience to become more rewarding.

What about Alnon? Didn’t you attend a meeting or two? Guarantee that’s a place you can find people you can relate to. And a lot of those friendships are made by going out for coffee after the meetings.

“””And at night, if she’s not doing something with her husband, she’s taking classes or now she’s moonlighting as a tax consultant.”””

Why not look into taking a night class? Gets you out and about and among people.

“””So I sink further and further into my little shell.”””

I’m glad you can see that. YOU sink into YOUR shell. That’s a choice that you are making. There are plenty of opportunities out there. Don’t lock yourself up in that shell, that shell kills people emotionally and spiritually. Been there, done that….

“””I tend to have trouble making female friends anymore. I don’t seem to have things in common with many people. My neighbors are a great group of women, but they all have infants or small children, and 90% of them are teachers who are off work by 3pm each day and in bed by about 8pm. I rarely see them. And they’re all off in the summer together, so they have become very close and I’m sort of on the outside of the circle. They treat me well and I play Bunco with them, but I’m not close to any of them.”””

And I submit that you won’t be close to them if you continue to focus on the differences rather than the similarities. Our society tends to focus on how we are different rather than how we are a like. When you shift your way of thinking, it’s amazing how much you truly do have in common with people and all ages.

”””It’s not intentional. I’m really a nobody.”””

See that’s the attitude. You’re not a nobody. You are a wonderful caring Christian woman who was formed by God in His image with a purpose. How much more significance does one need?

“””But I feel like the only reason women speak to me is because they feel that they should, or that it’s the right thing to do (i.e., at church).”””

True. True. So what can you do about that? If I were in your shoes (Do I really have to wear heels?) I’d look at myself. What is my attitude? I absolutely positively guarantee that if the light of the Lord is beaming from you, then you’ll have people wanting to talk to you and befriend you. Your conversation will change. But it all starts within you. You have to love you.

“””And now my husband is with another woman because I was dumb enough to file for divorce and not wait the darned affair out.”””

I ain’t even gonna validate that statement with a reply.

“”“Fourty-ish woman in the market for new man. Single and widowed men okay. If divorced for reasons other than a spouse’s continued infidelity or abandonment by non-Christian spouse, don’t bother. Also, if you’re thinking you’re going to get sex without a wedding ring, don’t bother. If you’re not a Christian, don’t bother. If you require a woman with a bustline, don’t bother. If you don’t have infinite patience and nerves of steel to deal with disrespectful and messy yet good-hearted ADHD teen girl, don’t bother. If you have asthma, pet allergies, or can’t stand indoor dogs and cats, don’t bother. If you smoke, or if you drink more than occasionally, don’t bother. If you require a spotless house, a full meal on the table each night, and an always organized and energetic wife, don’t bother.”””

And your point is what? There are tons of guys that would jump at that opportunity. How many of us on these boards have to tell you that you are a beautiful young lady with a life full of opportunity before you’ll believe it? And, and, and if your focus is on all the negatives in your life, then how are you going to see a positive when he walks in the door. Don’t take this wrong, but I truly hope that you don’t find a guy for a while because I happen to believe that Good begets Good. So when you are emotionally unhealthy, I can’t imagine a healthy relationship springing from that. LL you are a good Christian woman, I know this, I feel this, and when you are ready to accept a man, I’m willing to bet that one, hopefully “the one”, will be right there.

”””If you got through all that and are still interested, congratulations! Now let me tell you a little about myself. I was unfaithful during my marriage, not once, not twice, but THREE times (with two different men…and one of them was my counselor and pastor).”””

Again, have you forgiven yourself for this? Have you forgiven the other men? God forgives you if you ask and then the power of those sins trickles away if you allow it to.

”””I truly don’t have a shot in Hades!”””

If you believe that, then you are correct. If you come to believe that you are worthy of God’s love and your love, then I doubt you’ll make that statement again.

“””Not a very good attitude for a woman who calls herself a Christian.”””

No it’s not but the good thing about attitudes is that they can be changed. I used to have a great one but life happened and it sucked for a long time. When I finally got to the place where I changed it back and improved on it, my life got better and so can yours. I used to look and gripe about that same half-empty glass and now my cup overflows and the only thing that changed was me.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Read Below

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Titleist ]</small>

LL,

I want to second the recommendation to pick up Joel Olsteen's book, "Your Best Life Now"! I HAD the same fears you did until I read the book. It will give you a Godly shot of self-esteem that you need.

I would gladly date someone like you after my divorce is final. I hope that isn't inappropriate for me to say. I don't know you, but the fact that you are a believer and have common values would be enough to see if there may be something more in store. I said that to let you know if I would enjoy a cup of coffee and conversation, there are many other Christian men out there that would as well.

You need to work on making yourself ready for who God has for you. He will not send that man until YOU are ready. Remember the blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow. When the time is right, the Lord will give you the man you desire and he will not add sorrow to your life.

You have listed what I beleive are a healthy set of boundries for your new relationship. Make sure you don't have your wall so high that even God can't get through to heal your heart and emotions. Remember, it's early yet... I don't believe you will be single for the rest of your life. I found that when singles do as Paul instructed (Use your singleness to serve the Lord) he will bring a partner to you when you least expect it!

So go hop in the car and go down to Target to get the book. By God's grace you will never ever see yourself the same way again.

In His Grip,

Titleist

OK my friend, here's an idea for you. It won't get you meeting men (except my H maybe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but it should get you meeting women! Find a good dog training school and sign up your dog for obedience, agility, tracking, etc. And stick with it! These sports are dominated by women - and I mean those who are NOT consumed with kids, and those who are single.

Besides the social stuff, dog training is rewarding and intellectually stimulating (it attracts some of the most intelligent and motivated people - doctors, lawyers, professors... ) It also gives you a physical and emotional outlet. It is challenging, problem solving, and for most people enough different from routine life to give a very nice outlet from the daily grind.

I've been training dogs since I was 14 years old, and will do it until the day I die. I've trained several dogs from 4 breeds, in several venues - and though my interests change in terms of breeds and venues, I still am friends with people I've know for nearly 3 decades! I personally think agility is the most social of the dog sports, BTW.

I have met some of the BEST friends in the world through dog training. Recently a member of our small community died returning from a dog show, and one of her dogs escaped on the highway. Well, not only did the WHOLE community - nation-wide -- turn out to help, but friends traveled several states away to help capture the dog. Another dog person died suddenly in January - she was a personal friend of mine, single with no family, and had several dogs. Within hours her dogs were all taken care of, new homes found, and her friends planned and conducted the most memorable service I've been to in quite some time.

Try it, you'll like it! I don't know where you live exactly, but if you are interested and tell me the general area, I will see what resources there are there.

LL, I assume you post so you'll receive these positive, affirmative posts to help build yourself up. Your pain is so palpable it brings out the helper in lots of us. But at the same time, it's frustrating to see you continually stuck in this same place.

All of us on this board are dealing with or have dealt with being unexpectedly alone. None of us is blameless and many of us have done things we are ashamed of still.

Why are you clinging to your pain and your past mistakes? They are standing between you and God. Humility before God is not the same as humiliation.

I'm reading an interesting book called "Addiction and Grace." The author describes addiction as "...any compulsive, habitual behavior that limits the freedom of human desire...images, memories, fantasies, ideas, concepts, and even certain feeling states can become objects of attachment and one can become fully addicted to them...there are certain images of ourselves or concepts about the world that we somehow feel deeply forced to hold on to. Some of us might even admit to having been addicted to certain moods--depression, shyness, cynicism, and the like...attachments are seen as any concerns that usurp our desire for love, anything that becomes more important to us than God...whatever we are ultimately concerned with is God for us...We are called to grow toward that point at which nothing other than God will be our god. However short-lived or minor our concern for something other than God may be, when we give it more priority than we give our concern for God and God's will, we commit idolatry...while claiming to be loving God, we are in fact living our addictions...the problem is universal...it achieves nothing to heap guilt upon ourselves; it only makes us even more self preoccupied...we need to recognize that the incompleteness within us, our personal insufficiency, does not make us unacceptable in God's eyes. Far from it; our incompleteness is the empty side of our longing for God and for love. It is what draws us toward God in one another... We can think of our inadequacies as terrible defects, if we want, and hate ourselves. But we can also think of them affirmatively, as doorways through which the power of grace can enter our lives. Then we may begin to appreciate our inherent, God-given lovableness....God creates us for love and freedom, attachment hinders us, and grace is necessary for salvation.

LL,
Your post really touched me. I, too, have recently struggled with health problems. I have needed medical procedures (outpatient) that required someone to drive me to and from the procedures. I was sooooo embarassed to discuss with the scheduler that I was having a very hard time finding anyone to drive me. It wasn't the opinion of the scheduler that mattered so much, as my recognition of my vulnerability and aloneness.

I finally ended up driving 2 1/2 hours to pick up my 18 year old son from college to come back down and drive me. I was having a D and C. It's not that my son doesn't know anything about the human body. It's just that at the developmental stage he's at, it was quite embarassing to have to deal with this issue with his MOM! I reassured him that he didn't have to come back and wait for me to go into surgery... and that he didn't have to talk with the dr. afterwards...and he didn't have to come back into the recovery room with me. I had to repeat these instructions several times to the medical professionals dealing with me.

My father called my son later that week and my son happened to mention being down to take me to the hospital. Well, I had seen no need to tell my dad about the procedure. He lived out of state and it was a minor procedure. Then my son struggled with how to respond to my dad's questions about why I had to go to the hospital.. and what did I have done...and why hadn't he been notified? According to my son, they both ended up kind of stammering and being embarassed.

Last week I had another outpatient uterine procedure that I had to have a driver for. Again, my son was the only one available. Bless his heart for helping me even when it was uncomfortable for both of us! BUT, it shouldn't be his responsibility. Also, I felt like crap afterwards. There was no one there to comfort me....to help take care of me. I was also worried that if I had any side effects there was no one there to help. "911" is for life threatening emergencies, not side effects. Did I survive? Of course I did! But I wanted someone there to hold me and comfort me. In the past, it would have been my x-husband. Now, it was nobody.

Does this mean it will always be this way?? Who knows? It may be. God is "love", but sometimes you just need a good hug with a pair of arms wrapped around you! Especially when you hurt, are weak, and feeling like crap!

I hope you are feeling better, LL. If this is a "pity party" so be it! We're entitled! I'll join you and we'll make it a good one! We'll end it when we are darn good and ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First, before I begin what is bound to be a novel, I want to recognize what a few of you mentioned when I said I had no friends...

You mentioned all the friends I have on here. And yes, I do consider so many of you my friends. In fact, even though you are faceless (unless you're on Faith1's photo album that I glance at every so often), you are so much more than just words on a page. You are probably better, more understanding friends than just about anyone else I can think of right now.

Moving along....

Maw64--I don't know why I do this to my self. If I keep really busy and don't sit still, I seem to do better. But when I take time to relax and think, I get kooky. I do know men move faster and also the widower didn't have the DV baggage. He had a good marriage that ended tragically by death. He wasn't abandoned. But I am envious.

stormydakota-- Thank you for your kind words and your advice on the book. It's going to have to go on the list of books I've been advised to read. It's great to get input from others. I just need to now make the time to read the books! It was my choice, not that of my XH, to DV (he would have just lived with the OW forever and remained M to me--she's still M too, but her STBX lives with another woman when he's not in jail). Vows don't seem to get in the way for them. I would like to take a class or something to help me work through the DV. I just haven't found one yet.

Iceprincess-- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">truly pretty those rose colored glasses you have on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You like??

You're right, as I've put a lot behind me from last year, I've also forgotten some of the less-than-thoughtful things he did like the cellphone boob shot of the OW, or the detailed description of her crawling across the floor and screaming during you-know-what, or their numerous matching tattoos, or how he dumped me on Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Valentine's Day and his birthday last year for time spent with her. And yes, that just scratches the surface. Okay, I've reminded myself of perhaps a few reasons why I'm not with him.

dleightonc-- And thank you for your kind words as well. I want so much to be the Lord's lady (or maybe more appropriately, his child), but I tend to be really good at messing up. I want to believe there is someone for me, too, but then I think of all the people out there who for one reason or another (handicaps, serious disfigurement, illness, etc) may never find themselves in a satisfying relationship with a mate, and I think "Why am I more deserving than them?". I struggle with if it's even okay for me to remarry--but that's another post that I'm not resurrecting.

BTW--I haven't been to GQII today but saw your post yesterday about the new lady. Wishing you the best on that. You've had a tough year and it's time you have some happiness.

Ali88-- Again, yes...you guys/gals on here are some of the best friends I have!

SerendipiT-- Yes, I read your other post, though I need to go read it again. I sort of let that thread die.

As for the poison, I think it's mostly self-directed. I am angry at my XH for what he did, but mostly I just feel sorry for him, and feel a lot of pain for how he's destroying his life and risking his eternity, and being the control freak I am it pains me greatly because all I can do is sit back and watch. I can't help him. But I still do care about him. I've been very good all my life at assuming blame when no one else would, so it still comes naturally for me to assume blame for what happened.

And you get credit for at least going to your friend's place. Except for Bunco which I play monthly with my neighbor women, I don't invite myself to go anywhere because of the reasons you described. I am very uncomfortable being the third wheel. I don't know what to talk about or how to interact. It's even uncomfortable at Bunco when they all start talking about their husbands and vacations or their kids and all the things they're doing (they're mostly toddlers). I really can't relate. But at least it's not a couples function so it's tolerable and I get to socialize.

So I have different poison than you do, but still it's there. I know I need to change, but this is who I've been for a lot of years. The only place where I feel relatively confident is on my job. If that changes before I get the rest of me in order, I'm sunk.

And I do seek God, though I get sidetracked and get my priorities out of order, and I'm not where I should be there either. However, if I thought I didn't have the Lord with me and have eternity with him to look forward to, I'd have nothing to live for.

leftwith8kids-- Holy cow! Eight kids! What a handful!! (Though I'm sure a big blessing, too.) I read your thread about the abusive alcoholic. There seem to be several of us here on D/D who were/are married to alcoholics. Over on GQII, there weren't that many. I hate that others have to experience what I have (and worse in many cases), but it also helps to know others understand. I met my husband when I was just 15 so he is the only real relationship I've known, and I loved him dearly (still pray that he will turn his life around before it's too late), but I agree it was EXTREMELY difficult and very lonely to be married to him.

Where people on GQII talk about how you need to let your spouse know what your needs are--heck I begged and pleaded with him to be there for me. I told him how lonely I was. I wrote letter after letter to him because he was either sleeping or drunk or just not in the mood to ever talk. I asked for counseling. I asked why he didn't want to come home at night. I asked why he never wanted to have SF during the latter part of our M (I realize now it was a lot of resentment building because he felt trapped and saw me as the reason). I pleaded with him to not be so foul and angry around the kids and me. I tried to look good for him, and walked on eggshells to make him happy. And I prayed and prayed for a Christian marriage, and woke each morning with renewed hope.

Yet here I am. And I made a ton of mistakes. And it's hard to face sometimes.

LostHusband-- On the not knowing who to call comment and about my not letting people in, I think you're right that I subconsciously have a wall that keeps people at bay. But really, in all seriousness, I could not think of one soul to call besides my pastor, who couldn't help me. I did forget about the one retired couple who live just a few miles from me. She saw me at church and reminded me that if I ever need something during the day, to try them. I will keep that in mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I suspect you have one or two (friend) on these boards and you have something in common with them. I’ve met some wonderful people that I’m privileged to call my friends, right here on these boards. Some that I call in that time when life has me stressed, some I call regularly, some I see once or twice a year, some I only e-mail, and some I just post to, but they are my friends. So why not start here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, but how do I go about that? Perhaps dumb, but serious question.

And as for DivorceCare, I'm trying to find a church that offers it. I found one and got the contact name and she said they would probably be starting their next class in January. I asked her to notify me. I never heard back. So I guess I find another larger church and call them and ask? I haven't had much luck. It doesn't seem to be a big thing in our area.

Changing churches---I'm really torn on that one. I hate changing. I'm comfortable with the beliefs of this church for the most part and the people are friendly. I've attended for almost 5 years here. It's SOOOO hard to start new somewhere else. And this may sound dumb, but I feel like so many people have left to move to other parts of the country, and our church struggles so much, and we're in a school right now but have bought land...I hate to take even more contributions away from them. So right now, I'm probably not changing, though as I said above, that wouldn't stop me from attending a DivorceCare group somewhere else. It just makes it a little harder to find one, because it's not something my church offers.

Alanon--not right now. Night classes--Ugh! I don't get home from work until 7pm or so most nights. For a person who has no life, I feel physically and mentally overwhelmed sometimes just trying to keep up with my daughter and the animals and the house. I don't want to go back to school right now. I want to find ways to relax and enjoy myself. I just started a new job--I don't need more challenge. (But some people do, so it's a great suggestion. Just not for me right now.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I’m glad you can see that. YOU sink into YOUR shell. That’s a choice that you are making. There are plenty of opportunities out there. Don’t lock yourself up in that shell, that shell kills people emotionally and spiritually. Been there, done that….
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You touch on something here that scares me. I am worried about becoming a hermit or something. I have fears that I will just emotionally shut down and never be able to open back up again. But I'm not sure how to fix it. I've always been rather shy until I get to know people (easier here because I'm not seeing any of you face to face). So it's twice as hard now that I'm single and my self-esteem has been steamrolled over the last year or so. It's so much easier to hide in my house and type on here, but that's not the life I ultimately want forever. It's "safe" but it's not very fulfilling (do not misinterpret that to mean that you guys on here are anything less than wonderful).

Titleist-- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Remember the blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to focus more on this. I know God doesn't promise us a life of happiness, in fact he pretty much promoses we will have difficulty and sorrow. But I think I get that confused with thinking that I don't deserve anything more than sorrow. Troubles come from sin, not because God decides we need sadness and troubles. He 'allows' us to experience them to grow us. I just seem to get all entangled in them and then I don't grow.

But I also know that God may well desire for me to be single forever, and that if I let him work in me, I can still be very fulfilled. I'm just a LONG ways from feeling that way right now. It's not what I want.

Thanks for your vote of confidence, too. It just seems based on the people I'm around that there aren't very many available Christian guys in my area (not that I've actually been seeking, but more just observing).

Deja Vu -- You obviously have SMART dogs as opposed to my stupid (but loveable) ones! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Okay, seriously, my 6-yr-old Lab basically flunked puppy kindergarten. And I haven't worked with her to retain what she learned. She's the one who recently bit my daughter. We're working on food agression right now. She's great with anyone who walks in our house as long as they don't mess with her food (then she growls), but I think she's eat a strange dog alive. I don't walk her anymore because she pulls so badly, and because we have a large fenced back yard so I just turn them out there to do their thing and to run around a bit. She also has very bad hips, so we don't do much exercise.

My other dog is a 3-yr-old part Weim, part something else mutt who is not agressive around people but is totally neurotic. I adopted her at about 12 weeks from the local shelter. I have no idea what happened to her as a puppy but it must not have been good. She will not go out the front door. The back yard is the only place she'll go. Even a trip to the vet is traumatic. She will pull away from me so hard that she pulls out of her collar.

So I think training needs to just start with BABY STEPS, like car rides, and maybe a walk around the block. I'm hoping once it gets warmer and stays light longer that I can be more active outdoors.

But as for my area, I'm in central Iowa.

LetSTry-- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> LL, I assume you post so you'll receive these positive, affirmative posts to help build yourself up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may or may not believe this but actually that thought did not come to mind as I wrote. I write in hopes that others may understand and my be able to relate (not the same as offering positive affirmations) or sometimes just as an ability to journal my thoughts and frustrations and feelings. If you knew me personally, you'd know that I'm one who talks everything out (it's quite annoying). I'm also a very open person. So this is sort of a way of talking things out. I am always appreciative of responses, no matter positive or negative because being able to interact with others, even if it's not a verbal, 'in person' conversation, helps me to think things through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All of us on this board are dealing with or have dealt with being unexpectedly alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is precisely what makes you the best audience to talk to. My coworkers, sister, etc., don't understand because they have not been in my situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some of us might even admit to having been addicted to certain moods--depression, shyness, cynicism, and the like... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is sort of agree with but sort of don't. I think our basic personalities (whether shy or outgoing or dominant or cynical or whatever) are who we are. It takes a lot to make a shy person outgoing or an optimist into a cynic or vice-versa. I don't see these as "addictions". I am a shy-until-I-get-to-know-you person (but then watch out). Have been since I was a child. My daughter, on the other hand, seems to be afraid of no-one and had no problem attending school in her PJ's and slippers if she felt like it. And it works for her. So I will always struggle with shyness and a bit of pessimism. It is a weakness for me, just like alcohol may be for someone else.

However...I am a worrier, and if I dwell on my worries I do believe that is an addiction of sorts. It's going to be easier for me to do it because my personality leans that way, but it's still wrong to give in and dwell on it, just as it would be wrong to lust after someone, or to lie, or anything else. And yes, that is a struggle. I read in the Bible how we shouldn't worry, yet I can't seem to just flip a switch and shut it off.

heartfailure-- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but sometimes you just need a good hug with a pair of arms wrapped around you! Especially when you hurt, are weak, and feeling like crap!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! I cope fairly well as long as I stay busy and don't think about things. If I slow down and relax, I feel lonely. But when I'm sick, or in this case, when I needed help and didn't even know where to turn--that's when being alone really smacks you in the face. And it's not like being single all your life, where you'd have built up a network of other single friends. When it came to knowing who to call in a crisis, I truly felt alone. Had my son not been home on spring break and eventually come through, I may have ended up taking a cab just to guarantee that I had transportation. And it is hard to sit in an emergency room alone for hours--no one to talk to--just plenty of time to think. Thank goodness the anti-nausea drugs they gave me in my IV also made me very drowsy for a while. But even that was hard, because there was no one else there to hear what the doctor had to say, so I had to work hard to remain coherent because they didn't write much down on my discharge papers. My son didn't come in--he only met me at the outer doors when I was ready to leave.

Anyway, all's well that ends well on that one--while not healed yet, I am feeling better, and I didn't have to have the really icky tests. I just pray that before I find myself in that situation again, that I have a better support network established.

Okay, novel is complete for tonight.

LL

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

The book - Your Best Life Now - is also on CD. You could pop it into your car & listen to it when you are driving or listen to it when you do chores, clean house, cook, or while you are falling a sleep. I struggle with depression and lonliness and it has helped me as a Christian feel more positive and uplifted.

I still recommend watching Joel Osteen on TV. His charisma is very catchy. His words just draw you in. He has helped me get through the toughest times in my life. LOL, but believe it or not, I hear his voice as a kick in the butt. Especially when I am driving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are you doing today LL? Hang in there. I am sorry, but I cannot remember but are you involved in your church I mean really active? Do you excercise? Health clubs are great. What interests do you have? I know someone mentioned to bring your dog to training. That is a great idea. What about some sort of workshop? Take an art class. But go where you feel that you are not being judged. Dogs are great escapes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Gee I hope I am not repeating any advice here!

Thinking of you!

Ali~

ooops, sorry posted twice!

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

LL after rereading your posts, it sounds like you have depression. Did you ever talk to someone about this? Maybe going on med's until things start flowing...?

At night I go through this anxiety that I cannot tolerate to be in the same house has my husband. That loneliness kicks in more when he is here. When I go out, it is like a breath of fresh air but I feel like something is missing? I just hate that feeling. Almost as if your right arm has been cut off. I miss the friendship that I had with him looonnng time ago. So I am sure the grieving hasn't ended yet with you! And when you are sick, it is nice to have someone there to help you out! When you are alone, try to listen to upbeat music that you enjoy. When those feelings start to come on, just telling yourself something different will help you out. I am trying to do that. Give your self a mantra and don't play into your negative feelings. I just bought this book, "All about me". I get to fill in the blanks. It ask so many questions that I never even thought of. So during my "down time" I get to do that. I had purchased it at Barns and Noble.
Now is the time to really start being aware of your feelings and your needs. Somehow at this time, we have got to get our own needs met. My husbands aunt 66 never been married. And she is a beautiful women. She is involved in her community. She volunteers at the cat shelter and so much more. I onced asked her how do you feel about not sharing your life? She replied, never gave much of a thought! So obviously she can meet her own needs and not rely on anyone. Humm, I should talk to her more on that!

Alright, I hope this helped somewhat!

Ali~