Is anyone else trying to get the nerve to hire an attorney and file for divorce? I know "it's time.." After three months of separation I need to get on with my life. Yet I can't get my nerve up to actually get an appointment, put the money down and proceed with a divorce. What a difficult thing in life to face, I never thought I'd be a single mom, I was on top of the world when I met my husband seven years ago, I was so naive when I married him four years ago. Never ever dreamed of what a horrible thing marriage could be, the affair, the calls to other women, the flirting in front of me, the porn on the computer, the yelling, the cut downs, the violence... why would it be hard to file? A shrink said any woman would have done it ages ago. I've had more then enough reasons to do it. He said my downfall is that I have a big heart and I have guilt from what I did wrong in the marriage. Yes I did strike back at him verbally after he cut me down over and over again. It's human nature to want to hurt the person that is hurting you. I know it's wrong, yet I am willing to accept what I did. My husband however blames it all on me, even that he physically hurt me over and over again. Counselors warned it'd just get worse, I didn't want to listen. I thought I could fix this marriage, but after so many chances he didn't deserve I need to get on with my life. Is anyone else at this point? How do we "just do it..."

Yup, count me in on it! I have been contemplating this for MONTHS! But I have finally opened up an account and had the funds transferred into it today! All I have to do is make the appointment, then actually show up and say FILE! I have pretty much made up my mind to do it...it is just getting there TO do it is the problem!

I know exactly how you feel though....it is a TOUGH decision to make and ONLY YOU know when the right time is!

So what day will it be? Maybe you are right, at least I could have the money in an account, I have another bank account I never use, I could transfer some money from an investment there. How much are you having to come up with? Attorneys have told me from 3k to 5k down. But my husband was abusive they are saying he'll likely fight me and it could be a long drawn out battle. My dad's dying of cancer, I didn't want to deal with both. But the baby's getting older, an attorney said it's better and easier to get custody issues while he's young is that true? He's almost one. And my business is doing better and better each month. I just did a major expansion and I'm going to make a lot more profit. If my husband goes after my business it's off tax returns and profit, which was down as I had a baby and moved the past few years. But this year is going to be way too good. He'll say he helped me, try to take part of my business so I need to get on this for the business too. And it's looking like everyone is right, well almost everyone, that he's not going to change. I keep waiting around for him to "get it..." I'm tired, I'm getting older, life is short - a death in the family makes you realize that. How can you admit it's really over? Going TO the attorney, putting the money down, signing paperwork... that signifies something to me. I feel for my husband too, even though he hurt and hurt me, it's almost Biblical - forgive him for he doesn't know what he did. He's a lost soul, he just doesn't understand. He drinks too much. He is so caught up in money and the world. He doesn't know how to support, he was never supported as a kid. There's so many factors and I see a little boy in him. I just can't live under the stress of fighting with a little boy anymore. I guess one day I'll know to do it, but hey, you gave me a good idea, get the investment sold, put 5k in an account and when it's time it'll be there waiting. One day it will be time. WHEN.

I filed after 6 months in order to get a restraining order and protect myself financially, but it took me another year to enforce the restraining order and end all contact with WH. Now it's been another 2 1/2 years and I just recently got up the nerve to hire a more aggressive lawyer to finalize the divorce.

I believe that an abusive relationship is harder to end in a lot of cases than a non-abusive one. The cycle of abuse with the idealization followed by devaluation is actually addictive. I hate when I hear people say, "she must like the abuse," when a woman stays or keeps returning to an abusive relationship. The abuser is so persuasive in his promises to never do it again that even when you know it's not true, you've been so devalued you don't believe in your ability to survive without him.

Anyway, that's how it was for me. Even now, I sometimes think of WH nostalgically, but if I thought he was outside my door right now, I'd be terrified and call the police immediately. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other moving toward divorce and I go to Al-Anon and IC to help deal with my sometimes crazy feelings.

Horsey - Sounds like a few of us here are married to the same kind of WH - can't/won't take accountability for their destructive actions...Luckily, mine was/is not physically abusive. It's amazing how they feel entitled to calling OW, etc, behind our backs..

ANYWAY,,,

If you are going to move money - one piece of advise - withdraw as cash - then find a very,very small bank in your state or another state and put it into a non-interest bearing account..or hide it under the mattress...You don't want any paper trail...Since you are still M - he can try and get ahold of that money and he can..

Have you closed all joint credit card accounts? Better do that - since he can charge a bundle that you will also be liable for or he can take cash advances...

You dont have to "file" but at the least get to an attorney - find out your rights then when you are ready all you have to do is call and get the paperwork going..

I know what you mean about feeling like life is slipping by you. I feel that way too - that if he can't/won't change I don't want to live like this forever. Take your time - get everything documented - watch were he's putting his money too..Get copies of house deed, business info., checking, savings, cars, etc. Because once things get started you may not be able to access those records.

I'm just hanging around waiting to file too..I have a thousand reason too do it - yet, since I'm a conflict avoider - I just keep holding on..I see days turn to months and now months have gone to almost 2 years that I've been deceived. He won't file since he knows how much it's gonna cost him financially - maybe he's just pushing my buttons to I'll file..I will, but not only because I see my life slipping by - it will also be because I have NO LOVE LEFT for this WH. That I see no other option that there is NO WAY in my heart or mind that I would accept him back into my life...

HUGS - the answer will come...

One SMART thing I did was refuse to have joint accounts with him. I was 32 when I married, he was even older. I'd been independent so long and I thought it was fair that I maintained my own finances, him his. The only co-mingling was lately, he sold a suv I drove, I took the truck which is still under his name. A counselor that saw us and I called to tell the outcome, how violent he was one night, said I was smart to do that financially. But of course it's all joint when it comes to divorce, even my business, he'll say he helped me which he only did if I begged him, and very rarely but it'd be his word agaisnt mine. However I had the business before him and it made about as much money - but it's about to double in profit. I bought some stocks and bonds, someone told me I could put the savings bonds in my son's name so my husband doesn't have the right to half. I can sell the stocks to use for a divorce. You are RIGHT, if the money is in an account it's not that he can try for access as his name isn't on that account, BUT he can say that he has a right to half of my assets, and it would include a bank account. Also someone said to keep it VERY limited on how much I keep in my business account as he'll try to count that as an asset too. He's a banker and this same person said he knows finances and he's likely already done things with his finances if he knows I'm going to file, so I might as well do the same. Even if he hasn't he's made my life hell enough that he certainly doesn't deserve half of anything of mine.

Wow, I feel crazy for hanging on for three months after leaving him for what I thought was for good. The person who said abusive marriages are the hardest to leave... I think it must be true. Why would it be addictive? Yes I think people don't understand, it's the HOPE, a sick man feeds off of that. I think he throws crumbs of love and dreams, just enough to keep you hanging on. How strange. Obviously the marriage isn't going to work if I'm afraid of him that I won't even go to the house alone to get he rest of my stuff. I know I need to do it, all in a day, with a male friend and the sick thing is I told him he might as well bring a gun. It was a joke, but I'm not sure he took it as one as I told him stories. They say it's when you are moving out that these men get more violent. I can already see he's lost control with me gone, he keeps saying I've taken all the control. So that's why he has to cut me down, what an idiot he is. What sort of person tries to get you back with criticisms? Why would I even remember the good times at this point? They say when it comes to grieving, it's like the loss of a parent, which I'm going through - you remember mostly the good - it's how the mind copes with loss. So even with an abusive relationship our minds are playing tricks, we are grieving and to cope we remember what was good, minimize the bad.

Yes, you are right I need to talk to an attorney, not even hire one if I'm not ready. But it's true I need to know my rights and what to do financially. My husband isn't helping at all with the baby, doesn't care less to spend time with him, can't really be bothered although he does some sort of emotional display every time I see him, He's so manipulative I don't even believe the so called tears anymore. I asked him to financially support his child or the courts will make him. He whined that he didn't have money. He's the dumb one who bought the biggest house, that I didn't agree on buying, then when he said he might lose his job, he proceeded to buy a luxury car. He thought although our fighting I was going to support "his" lifestyle. I wasn't raised materialisticly, I didn't want the life of stress, of having to have the big house and fancy cars. I wanted time with my boy, my husband of course said I was lazy and such. What a jerk, I actually ran a company, was working with the baby, the business and at home. He just wanted more money out of me, even if I just had a baby and surgery.

I'm beat, how much of a divorce do you really have to "talk about?" One attorney said he's dealt with people even overseas getting a divorce, by fax and email. Honestly I don't want to talk much with an attorney, even if it costs more I want someone to just handle the details and leave me alone as much as possible. I dont' even want to face my husband in court, I dont' know how divorce works but it must be that I'll have to do that right? Especially with a baby involved. I think he's evil, I think this divorce will make him so mean and vindictive. True, he's going to owe me retirement, investments, gain on the house, and child support. Of course he's going to lose, but maybe my mom is right, he'll hopefullly not fight that hard as he wont' want to spend money on an attorney, hes' tight...

At least the plan, put money aside. Meet with an attorney and have one lined up for THE DAY. And there will be THE DAY sometime soon. Do you just know when it's time????

Horsey, my dad in November, so I know what you are giong thru! Although the alien was at the funeral and stood by me physically, emotionally he was someplace else! I will never forgive him for what he did during those final days of my dad's life! He called the OW from MY HOUSE! I called him up to tell him to get up here cuz dad was dying that day, he blew it off...convinced me otherwise and I went back home to the alien only to find out he had called her...kicked him out, dad died that night!

I dont know what it takes for us to "get it"...I saw a lawyer many times..I saw three to be exact...one twice...before I made my final decision of who I was going to hire...He wanted 5k...I just couldn't do it then...plus I wasn't ready!

My mom lonaed me the money, so I have the money now! It did not take me going to the lawyer's office...it took a year of emotionaly abuse, lying, decieving, etc...You wont have to worry about custody...the court usually, not always, but usually rules for the mom to be the primary custodian...

Every state is different though...research all you can before you decide to do this! my appt is today at 11:30 and I am doing it! I am nervous and I DONT want to do it, but I know i have to !

Been thinking about it for years.. real tough choice.

Too

What about Plan B?

Hi, Chris-

Was that message to me? If so, there's no PA (I don't think). So Plans A and B don't apply. OUr SF just aren't being fulfilled. I've asked my H about an A, but he denies it.

Too

Horsey - You'll know...You won't have good memories anymore...For a long time, I kept remembering how much fun we use to have, vacations, etc. I'm getting to the point of only remembering him walking out the door to go drink or met one of his tramps. Remembering all the hurt he caused and he never felt one bit sorry for how he made me feel or how he damaged our family, friends, etc. Those things will come to mind first - then you'll question - even if he changed would you want back - if you answer No - it's time..If you know that you'll never be able to trust him, love him, like you did it's time..

Honey, I'm getting there and what does mine do..he starts being nice to me..Well, he may be about 6 months and 5 tramps too late.....

3 months of being on your own - may not be enough..And if you think that divorce will just get him out of your life forever - forget that too,..You have a child together - even if right now he's not interested - wait a few years..he'll come around when he's lonely and has noone..

Hugs...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooInvolved:
<strong> Hi, Chris-
I've asked my H about an A, but he denies it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Simply because he says there isn't one, there isn't one?

You must have had some thought of it since you asked him?

I meant my dad DIED in november

Chris-

I keep thinking about it. But don't know how to press my H further. Some signs are there. The lack of SF. And I saw a woman's phone # on our cell bill the other day. But he didn't try to hide it. She IS his friend, but he knows I don't like her and I've never noticed him calling her before. She calls him. Although I'm not comfortable with their R, he keeps telling me she's close to his ailing 85-year old mother (five hours away).

Goodness knows I've given enough advice on this board to be able figure this out. But I need more evidence.

Momto3Boys
You just filed today? I'm sorry to hear it.

Too

Momto3boys, how did it go today? What's it like to file? What is the process like? I don't even have a clue, I can't get myself to go meet an attorney. Plus I live five hours away, I have to file in the town I moved from where my husband still lives, we are separated, as attorneys have said since that's where the baby was most of his life... I don't want to be there, but I guess I can do a lot with fax, phone, email once I make sure in person I like a certain attorney. Worse, I don't trust attorneys, I was a journalist, I know how crooked some of them can be. It's a town/city I don't even know anyone to ask who to hire. But one guy I liked from his website and email back to me. Guess it's like anything you go with your gut. Why didn't I do that in marriage? My gut said to run from this man, I was so scared the month I married him. I feel so stupid, the writing was on the wall.

I dont' think Plan B applies when there's been abuse, but I know Harley has helped couples out of these situations. He does suggest separation though. He says that if one person stops being abusive the other usually stops too. And he also says that usually both are involved. I half agree with that, I have been verbally abusive, it's taboo to say I provoked the man, but I went on and on and on in his face. Yet he was pushing and pushing my buttons. Wish Harley himself could sit, perhaps with the use of a two by four, and hammer some sense into my husband. I'd thought of calling him before to get advice, my husband is actually from Minn. and I even thought of flying up there for family and getting an appointment. I think most of the shrinks are psycho, offer crazy advice and made my marriage worse. There has to be help when marriages go to hell but Dr. Phil too says the state of shrinks in American and the "help" they give is pitiful. Having experience enough of them, I agree. I think someone maybe could have helped us... that's the sad part. But now it's gone so far I highly doubt there's any turning back. Chris, do you know of any that have?

Well, another night at a hotel, on the road doing sales. I love my little boy. He and I are so bonded, we travel together now and then. Is it true, my husband could care less about being "bothered" with his son now, but as he's more alone he'll want to be with him more? And as he gets older? My husband said that, he's starting to walk and say words, yes men like babies better at this point... but he was NEVER there for me when I needed him to help, when my dad was dying, I was running a business, I was exhausted... he was in the basement watching tv. When I got angry, he pushed/shoved and hurt me. Yes there was a "Just a friend" that he called and I never had proof, but something went on our first year of marriage with her, if not during our dating years when we were long distance and SHE lived in HIS town. I just don't know that I'd ever trust him again, I was so enraged at him over that. I just feel like so much has been a lie... It's just all so sad when a marriage falls to pieces, what do you do?