Hi Guys this is my first post and my story is extremely complicated and would take forever to type so i will try and explain as briefly as i can. I am separated from my husband of 32 years. It has been a wonderful marriage and we were very very happy, soulmates, best friends and lovers. However, 2 years ago i suffered midlife crisis, past sexual abuse issues and severe depression. I asked my husband for some space which eventually led to my leaving the marital home and he remortgaging. It was a separation and yet not a whole separation. I would sleep in the marital home on and off and he would come to my flat. We remained friends and husband and wife really but i was living separately. I wasnt happy but i knew i couldnt go back. At the time i didnt have a clue what was going on in my head. I had told him to go and get sex elsewhere because i thought it was all about sex at the time. He did go with a much younger woman after 4 months of separation and when he told me i was devastated and he eventually dumped her and came back to me and we had a brilliant reconciliation but then it went downhill. I used to see texts coming in from her and i was so down on myself i pushed my husband away as i almost gave up. How could i compete with a woman 17 years my junior with no baggage??? My husband eventually started to grow away from me after around another year of the separation until he asked me for a divorce. I agreed out of pride but soon had a nervous breakdown. He has been back with the same woman and is always saying i cant just click my fingers and he comes back. He chooses her every time i say anything and ive told him how much i now realise i love him and for how sorry i am over reading everything so wrong.

Was diagnosed with ocd which i've had for the past 40 years growing and growing. I now feel my childhood sexual abuse has finally ruined my life. I am so lost without my husband. I am learning to cope on my own and i am gaining in confidence and self esteem after my breakdown and have come a long way with counselling but the bottom line is, i dont know if my husband can ever forgive me. He says he loves me but isnt in love with me and also that he is in no rush to divorce me as he will never marry again. His relationship with the younger woman doesnt seem to be very heavy. He tells our daughter he wears the trousers but that she makes him happy.

I dont know if i have lost him for ever and i feel like i am living my life in limbo. I know he did too for almost 18 months and this must be my punishment. He is very insistent that he only wants to be my friend at the moment and we still see the grandchildren together on a saturday afternoon and we also share all birthday presents and cards within the two families. We share all the expenses. I just dont know what to think anymore. Has anyone out there got an opinion??? I'm sorry if my message is long and also if you have had trouble in following it. In anticipation, i thank anyone who reads my message and who replies.........take care from Poppy

I really feel for you as I am on the receiving end of something like this right now. My wife is divorcing me for very complicated reasons in her mind. Basically, when we married we were best friends and both were not "in love" the way we should have been. I "fell in love" with her and she has struggled to try to do the same thing but has not been successful. She is tired of trying and at this point we are still best friends and great parents to our children but the marriage and all the benefits of it are going to end. I have struggled with all of the "what ifs" in my mind but the biggest one is wondering whether she will come to her senses after the fact and want to reconcile. I will tell you this from my perspective...I don't think I could take her back. I feel totally betrayed by her and our foundation for the marriage in the first place, trust, has taken a big hit. I didn't do anything except try to be the best father and husband in the world for her and my children. I always put them first in everything. Now, I am faced with starting over again at her insistence and every day that goes by gets easier for me to accept it. I told her that until she files the paperwork and it is final "the door is still open". My worry is that she won't realize it until it is too late, and it will be.

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: Focused123 ]</small>

Focused thank you for your reply to my post and i am so sorry that you are in a similar position to mine at the moment. I say to myself that what will be will be but when your heart is involved it is so hard to just sit back and wait for your other half to come to their senses or at least look at the situation from both points of view and see all that they are giving up and for what - the green green grass on the other side???? i don't think so and often as you say too much hurt.

Try to get on with your life, leave your wife to think things through and dont pressure her and see what time brings forth, that's my advice for what it's worth!!

Take care and good luck from Poppy

Poppy,

I have an opinion. I would like to suggest that you get the book His Needs Her Needs by Harley and perhaps Surviving an Affair by Harley.

My opinion is that you can compete with her, but that would be a mistake. My opinion is that you have the inside track on things but you don't know it yet.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont know if i have lost him for ever and i feel like i am living my life in limbo. I know he did too for almost 18 months and this must be my punishment.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Poppy, you know that throwing someone away after 32 years is going to have consequences and you are seeing them. It is NOT PUNISHMENT. It is the consequences of hurting someone very badly. Look how you were hurt in your youth and it haunts you to this day. I am not saying these are in the same league but I think you see the effect.

Your H is hurt and he is uncertain, and I suspect he is clueless about how to protect himself if he were to return to the marriage. Please thing about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is very insistent that he only wants to be my friend at the moment and we still see the grandchildren together on a saturday afternoon and we also share all birthday presents and cards within the two families.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent, he wants to be friends. Start being friends with him. Listen to him. Ask how he is doing and then listen. Ask his opinion about things over dinner or a drink, listen to him, give him feed back. Learn to TALK to him and make him comfortable talking to you. When you do this, don't be pushy or gushy, just smile and enjoy and let him see the joy in you. He is technically your H but you two have NOT been friends for awhile. So develop that friendship.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We share all the expenses. I just dont know what to think anymore. Has anyone out there got an opinion??? I'm sorry if my message is long and also if you have had trouble in following it. In anticipation, i thank anyone who reads my message and who replies.........take care from Poppy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Poppy, I would guess he is not sure of your stability, so show him you have healed. Smile enjoy your life, share things you do without him, with him. Listen to him and what he does. When you walk with him, take his arm. Try to meet his needs as best you can and as he allows.

Since there is another woman in the picture, plan A is where you need to be. Please read about it. As you show him your health, and you show him your happiness and steadfastness, you will see a change. Show him a person YOU would like to be around. As you become his friend again, as you avoid love busters, as you meet the needs of his that you can, gradually things can change. Further, as you show him your emotional health he will be reassured.

He does NOT want to be burned again. He may not want to give up this OW, but his idea of being friends and remaining married suggests that there is a crack in the wall. Your goal should to be to quietly, peacefully and with grace gradually open that crack. This will take time.

I don't think he is punishing you. I think he is protecting himself from further pain and rejections. You rejected him and that takes awhile to recover from. Further, you have had emotional issues and HE KNOWS he has no control over those, so that leaves him defenseless if he were to come back. He needs you to show him you are healthy.

So Poppy, welcome to MB. I hope that this information can help you rebuild your marriage. Have patience and a plan. That will go along way to allowing you the best chance of success.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning thank you so much for your opinion and your advice. I quite agree with you, i did hurt my husband badly although in my defence, i was so wrapped up in my own problems that i didn't even see it. He also hid all his emotions and carried on as if nothing was amiss. I can completely understand your saying he is afraid to get hurt again as he has said as much to our daughter.

I recently asked him for a meeting and it went the way of he thought i was pressuring him for his answer there and then and he got his back up as he always does. He told me that this other woman made him happy and i was upset at that but he also told me that with me he had known straight away, whereas with her and then he didnt say anything just shrugged, so i'm guessing she fills his emotional needs but isn't in his heart. I'm afraid i reacted with my heart at the time and told him i thought we should divorce and see the grandchildren separately and that i couldnt have any more to do with him as it hurt me too much. He sent me a text the next day saying he was sorry and i would always be in his life. The following day i telephoned him and apologised for my burst of temper and explained it was always my emotions talking and not my head and that i would rather be his friend than not see him at all. He jumped on this and said yes that's what i've been saying and then who knows.

We dont actually touch very much as it's very touchy and evasive when we see each other. There is a lot of hurt on both sides now but i will do my best to be as friendly and as chirpy as i can be and to show him the newly found me. I can honestly say that my nervous breakdown has been the making of me as a person in my own right. I am now learning to love myself instead of carrying all that baggage around. I'm getting rid of my anger, hurt and shame and it feels great. The ocd i work on all the time and i hope to beat it eventually.

Again i thank you for your words and your input. I will get the books you suggested and i am looking forward to learning from them.

Take care from Poppy

Poppy,

What you need to consider is that he is afraid, very afraid. You don't need to defend yourself when posting here nor to your H. You have done what you did and that cannot be changed. You have however changed based on this and from what you have said you have changed for the better internally for yourself and in your outlook on your H and the marriage.

He needs to see this and he nees you to be steadfast and steady. That means "emotional" responses unless positive need to be restrained, thought about, and THEN perhaps acted on. He needs to see you in control of yourself and as he gains confidence that you are, THEN you words will carry meaning to him.

So touch his arm when you talk to him. Be his friend, and for GosH SAKES don't ever ask for "meetings" or say "we have to talk" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> YOu have no idea how that sets alarms on in men. Being one I can tell you that for sure. What you want is for his defenses to stay down. You need to come in under the radar and being his friend accomplishes both of these things.

Right now his memories are of you getting mad and threatening divorce and you telling him you need to leave him. You need to change those memories to him recalling you being someone pleasant to be around. Someone he LIKES to talk to and get support from. Someone, that has her head screwed on straight.

You can do these things, but you must go slow. If something he does/doesn't do, or says bugs you. Remember it and when you leave his presence think about it. Why did it bug you? Was there another way to interpret what he said? I wonder what he said and why? Then if you are still confused the NEXT time you see him ask him: "H when you said... did you mean? I think I am confused or misinterpretted something could you explain it for me."?

Poppy you have to allow him to see the changes. It seems quite clear he is still attached to you. it is also very likely clear that this OW meets his needs with less overhead, but... she does NOT have his heart as you have all of these years.

You can do this, but you need to sit down and lay out a plan. That is why I wanted you to read these books, they will help you with your plan. You can surely come here for suggestions as well. But make a plan to REBUILD you marriage and I think you will accomplish this.

Hang in there you can do this.

God Bless,

JL