Can you describe to me what the process for your D was and how long it took? I have noticed that a lot of people went through several hearings. Also when there were evaluations for custody involved, were these done before going to court for the first time?

The reason I ask is that my lawyer has told me a couple of different times that this will be a one day deal. Everything will be decided at one hearing. I was trying to figure out how this can be. Am I going to have to have tax returns, business appraisals, psych. eval. (if there is one), etc., all ready on the hearing day? I haven't talked with my lawyer about any of this stuff yet. Thanks.

starman

In my case, I never went to court at all. My attorney typed up a draft of what I wanted and sent it to his attorney. They changed some things and sent it back. We agreed to some changes and not to others.....after a few weeks of this we all agreed, signed, and sent it to the judge, who approved it. The decree covered everything from finances to who got what to custody and child support.

In the end I can't say either one of us were 100% happy as to the outcome; but at least it was done.

A lot of it depends on the state laws where you live, and if you and your spouse can come to any agreement about ANYTHING prior to court.

In my case, we worked everything out in a mostly civil manner before hand. My ExH had his attorney draw up papers according to our agreement, they were sent to my attorney, and it kind of went like that. Neither of us actually appeared in court; that was just a formality to file the final divorce papers, done by his lawyer alone with a judge.

I'm not familiar with your situation (kids, property, state, etc.) but each case is unique. How much, if any, interaction have you already had with your own attorney?

Mine was about 18 months from filing to divorce, and another 3 months before financial settlement was complete.
This was because X ignored all paperwork, and was fighting for 50/50 custody (and my lawyer sucked at let him continue at 50/50). If your X is fighting things, it can drag on.
Each state has their intracacies. But the goal is to keep everyone out of court and to come to an agreement themselves so they only have themselves to blame, not the courts.

1. File for divorce
2. Complete client information statements (CIS)(could take a long time depending on financials, taxes, etc. Business ownership/valuation issues can drag this out. Or you can be like many people and just make up numbers, or accept the filing parties balance sheet.
3. My state has a parent education class, to prepare parents for the process and what to expect for custody, child support etc.
4. Required meeting with state paid mediator to hash out parenting agreement. They provide this free to keep you out of court, and they lay it on the line. They told my X he would not get 50/50 and that I made him a good offer. He still walked away. Many times, parents can come to agreement in this 1-2 hour session and custody is resolved. Child support is calculated based on each parent's income (or income potential) and parenting time - no discretion given.
5. While all the custody stuff is occurring, each lawyer is working with their client to review the CIS and draft/propose a fair/equitable settlement. My X claimed to make 1/3 of what he made in the prior two years - DUH!
6. If no agreement to date, meet with a panel of volunteer lawyers, where each attorney presents their client's side. These attorneys then give you an idea of how they would expect the judge to rule on each issue. Now, we were in the courthouse this day, just wasting time waiting all day. The idea is, after you learn how the judge might rule, can't you all just sit in a room and hash it out yourselves (lawyers & clients).
7. If still no agreement, a date for court is set. Each scheduled court/mediator/panel date takes a long time to schedule, and amazingly either party can cancel and reschedule without any explanation - my X did multiple times.
The goal on the court date, to finalize the agreement before the judge sets a hearing date. Ie. settle it on the courthouse steps.
Now, my attorney did all the work (ok I did by emailing everything to my atty), but X's attorney agreed to type out the final agreement. Can you imagine that the morning of court when we arrived to review the document it didn't reflect many of the items we had previously agreed on? So, my lawyer and I had to go through the document line by line and handwrite and hand initial changes. Now, mind you, my atty had already reviewed the document and they had changed it after the last version. I'm anal retentive, I reviewed everything, which did pay off.
Now, before this court date, my X had ignored much of our discovery. I needed financial statements and taxes from the business. X refused to provide them. I told my attorney if the taxes were not in my hand the morning of the court date, I was walking. He thought I was joking, but it took the threat to get X to provide these. (tax liability was a huge issue).
So after much waiting around, after the agreement was changed, initialed and signed, and then reviewed by the judge, we had to go in front of the judge and swear that it was our signature and we agreed to these terms. In judge's courtroom all of 10 minutes for the divorce. In the courthouse at least 4 times total, 2 of these with the lawyers for an entire day.

YOU DIDN'T REALLY WANT THIS LEVEL OF DETAIL DID YOU NOW?

OK, so my suggestions. Get an outside mediator to hash out the issues, including custody. We tried this, but X was inflexible. Document where you agree and disagree. Type up a proposed settlement document. Have each of your lawyers review it, and then work with your lawyers to come to agreement on outstanding items. This could save you an immense amount of money, time and aggravation. I estimate each of us spent at least a year's college tuition which we could have been saving.

See, I documented what you don't want to do. Of course, if you have a cooperative STBX, then why couldn't you stay married? Right?
Too many people use a divorce to get back at their X, when they should be focusing on the best interest of their children.

Mine took over 6 months, but I had only one Court hearing to go to.

My ExW didn't show up for the "D" hearing. There was nothing for her to gain by showing up... plus I had one of the best "D" attorneys money could buy in my area.

Just make sure that all the i's are dotted and all the t's are crossed, and make sure you have everything, and I do mean everything that you could possibly think of out on the table, that may come back and bite you right where it hurts.

Tax liabilities (speaking from experience on this one), medical (ditto again on the experience factor), anything you can possibly think of that your not possibly taking into consideration at the moment.

Hopefully you get the idea.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks everyone.

I suppose what I need to do is keep talking with my lawyer until as many of my questions are answered as possible. I have been trying to keep the calls to a minimum because they all cost money, but if I'm not prepared I will end up paying a lot more in the long run.

I can't believe the spectrum of things that people go through during D. I have seen so many different variables with everything from finances to custody it makes my head spin. I'm thinking that my hearing will be sometime late this summer. There is so much information that I could gather on things like my STBXW behavior during the M, how she was with the kids, as well as financial information. I don't know what will be relevant and what won't.

double post

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

Starman,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> STBXW behavior during the M, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this means nothing. Don't waste your time on it.

Does your lawyer have email? If so, use it. My first lawyer didn't (she wasted alot of my time and money). My second lawyer uses email and the paralegals can answer basic questions. So, I would type up my questions, and my impressions rather than place phone calls. This would document my concerns, and save money rather than having them make notes. It helped.

Fault is not an issue in many states. People can be horrible parent's and still get custody.

Think about using a mediator. Also, read up on the many books available to get a good feel about how you want to propose things regarding thekids. For example, Mom's House/Dad's house has great ideas on parenting time, and ways to word things. I also have the Right of First Refusal included in my settlement - so X should ask me first before leaving the kids with someone else. He never does, but I make sure that I always ask him. He never takes the kids (I go on business trips and have to pay a sitter because their father refuses to take them), but I offer him the choice. It's his decision to refuse to see his kids.
Thankfully, my kids think sitters are fun, rather than seeing their father won't watch them. PS - I never get a sitter for social events, only work travel. I won't willinging give up my time with my angels.