I need some advice on this one because I don't want to seem cold but I need to get some distance before I can even contemplate a friendship.

Whenever me and my STBX are together it's like we haven't missed a beat we talk just like we were still together, we get along great because the pressure is off..the only problem is that he also thinks it should still be that way in the bedroom and that I should be there for him in every way. Of course this is classic for an emotionally abused wife.

Because he has been very emotionally abusive I end up acting like a different person when I am with him..the problem is as soon as he gets home he drinks a bottle of vodka calls me up and starts verbally abusing me and calling me names, mind you this is in front of my 17yr old son and I end up begging and pleading for his mercy.

I try to just hang up but by the time I calm myself down from what he is saying to me I end up defending myself and losing all respect and dignity. He sucks me back into thinking that it is all my fault and that the reason he drinks is because I was not a good enough wife and because I was never there for him because I thought of my job instead of him (i was the only one that worked in the entire marriage and usually 2 jobs). He tells me that I don't care and I have to some way convince him that I do....but I really don't anymore...

I want to move on with my life but he wants continuous contact each day and hear my voice.
My daughter told him that I would put it on tape and send it to him and he can hear it all day long.

I feel the need to make sure to not get him mad because if he is mad then he rages on me and then at won't give me the child support that I have to have in order to make it. He still has me emotionally hostage.

I think I could move on and finally heal if I just had no contact but how can I get that across to someone that will go off the deep in if I was to even contemplate that. The kids beg me to talk to him because he has told them that he would kill himself if he could never talk to me or hear my voice again (how abusive).

When my 4 year old is talking to people he will tell them we are getting divorced and his dad drinks because my mommy broke my daddy's heart.

We have all been mentally brainwashed over the years and until we all have no contact for a while we will never be able to heal.

Any suggestions

I see that you have been separated and reconciled several times.

Did you do a Plan A and Plan B?

IMHO if you want things to change, if you want different results, you need to make some major changes, try something drastically different.

Of course he wants to remain 'friends' (with fringe benefits)?

But why would you want (or need) to remain 'friends' with somebody who abuses you?

You DO need to get some distance from him ASAP and stay away from him until/unless he changes.

Right now I only have one tiny bit of advice for you. Make sure that you get a child support order with wage garnishment if he has a job! I know you said he hasn't worked much, but if he's working, don't let him convince you to work out any kind of deal where he writes the checks directly to you.

My XH (also an alcholic who is great at heaping all blame on others for things in his life and who can also get very angry and foul) convinced me that we could get along and that I didn't need to attach his wages. Big mistake! Now he runs behind all the time, and when I ask nicely when I can expect payment, I get a hateful earful from either or him or, more frequently, the OW. I'm glad I only have 2.5 more years until my baby is 18.

But you have a lot of years of child support left to collect. Just make sure you have done everything you can to protect yourself in that area.

LL

I don't think plan A works for sick spouses.
Even Plan B would be impossible without some ROs.
And he is sick.
And he'll make your kids sick too, if you continue allowing him to behave as he has been.


What made me sad too (in addition to what your kids (and you) go through) is:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(i was the only one that worked in the entire marriage and usually 2 jobs).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it high time time to correct this mistake?Start from here; if he doesn't work - he has no money (especially not for vodka)
Maybe if he worked he'd be at least a bit tired... to make your and your kids's life life miserable...

Suggestions?
What do you have from this life with him?
What do your kids have?
I'd suggest him IC/clinic healing.
If he doesn't accept, I'd take the kids and run away, far away...

In the shortest - he behaves according to you allowing him to do so...