I have been separated from my husband for over 2 months and have been trying to work things out. He has been staying at a motel for the last month and his time is up today and has no place to go. He isn't working and has no way to get cash. He has brothers and sisters that live here but will not ask them if he could stay with them.

He has been wanting to come back home and try to work out our marriage. I asked him to leave due to verbal abuse that I have had to put up with for over 9 years. It just got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore.

He promises me that he will never do it again, but I am so afraid because he has made this promise once before, and he never changed. He went right back to the abuse.

Today was the day that I was to tell him if he was going to move back in. I wrestled with the decision all night long last night and I came up with possibly a solution. I had mentioned counseling before, but he has refused. I told him today, that before we could go any further, that we needed to seek christian counseling together. He doesn't want to do that, so because I can't say for him to come home, he has decided that we are over and never wants to talk to me again or see me again, only if it concerns our son.

I am feeling so guilty. I want our marriage to work, but he just doesn't see how deep my pain goes. I have asked God to help me heal, and the healing has started but I am just not ready for the "move in".

Have I done the right thing? By him refusing counseling, does that prove that he hasn't changed?

Help me!!!!

If he has never tried counseling before then there is a chance that counseling might really help him. You mentioned going to counseling together and he objected. Would he be willing to go to Individual Counseling. Maybe he is embarassed to discuss the reason behind his verbal abuse in front of you at this point. Also, maybe with some time (when he sees that you mean it) he will change his mind and be willing to go to counseling.

Here is some info. from part of the Oprah site on verbal abuse in the marriage. Hope it helps some.:
Oprah Investigates:
Emotionally Tortured Wives
The name calling…the yelling—emotional torture. Does this sound like your house? For millions of women, this happens every single day. We're blowing the lid off the best-kept secret in America.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse
The nasty name calling, the degrading insults, the threats. These husbands don't punch or hit, but their words sting just as much. Wives speak out.
From O, The Oprah Magazine
How to spot an abuser …and get out safely. Learn the red flags of abusive behavior.
Get Support From Others
Whether you suffer from physical or verbal abuse, reach out for help. Join the discussion.
Related Resources
Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages by Susan Weitzman
The Weitzman Center offers information to victims of domestic violence in upper-class families. For more information and for a Care Kit, which describes emotional abuse and offers tips on how to find help, visit www.theweitzmancenter.org.
Are you suffering from emotional abuse? To take a test, visit www.nottopeoplelikeus.com
The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers crisis intervention and provides information and referrals for victims of domestic violence. If you believe you need help, call the hotline at (800) 799-SAFE or (800) 787-3224 TTY, or visit www.ndvh.org.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. For more information, visit www.verbalabuse.com.

stormydakota,

I went to the websites you listed. Thank you.

My husband showed up at my work this afternoon to inform me that he was able to come up with enough money to stay another week. He told me not to come see how he is doing, do not come for any reason except anything concerning our son. I didn't say anything back to him. I turned around to walk back into my office and he started talking again and said that if I would have let him come home, he would have went to counseling. I continued through the door, not saying anything and he left.

I am so hurt. I have tried so hard all these years to keep this marriage going. I have supported him, he hasn't worked but for only 4 years. He had his own business, but it really never got off the ground. I worked and always have worked to pay all the bills. It got to the point that he would never return customers' phone calls. That is why his business failed.

I feel as if I have been taken advantage of, taken for granted, used. Actually, today, I feel dirty, like I have done something wrong. He is blaming me now that I won't accept him home. He just doesn't understand that the hurt has run really deep. The abuse was constant and was beginning to worsen. I am 'gun shy' in taking him back at this point. I want to, but I just think we need more time. I feel that the only reason he wants to come home is because he has no money, and is basically homeless. He won't ask family if he can stay with them. He says he doesn't want to bum off of them. I think he just wants to continue bumming off me.

I guess I will be filing papers soon. I really don't want to, but he said he is getting on with his life with or without papers. It doesn't matter to him if he gets involved with another woman, which hurts me because that just shows me that his love for me isn't as strong as mine for him. He told me that he can't go through this alone that he is going to have to get someone else. He doesn't want to be lonely. Is he playing with my head? I can't imagine even being with another man right now. I love him and I will always love him. I do not want another man, I want my husband back, a truely new man, that won't abuse me anymore. My life is half over and I would love to know what a happy marriage feels like.