Alright it's Mother's Day and I am wondering how the wives (especially those who are childless) are feeling today about their situations with OCs.<P>From where i sit, it sucks. I asked my H if he was planning on doing anything for the XOW or if he was going to see the child. He said, "H*** NO!", but it doesn't stop me from obsessing about it.<P>Actually, since being on this board, my obsession and sleepless nights have lessened considerably. Thanks to all of you who've posted your thoughts.<P>Still, today is going to be a hard one.

Popeye:<P>This has been an outstanding day for me. My boys came by with flowers and cards. I made potato salad and we did burgers in the back yard. David, my husband, has been happy, helpful and fun. Lively conversation, laughter and warmth. <BR>David comes in the house while I am peeling an onion and wraps his arms around me and holds me tight and say, "I love you so much -- you are so beautiful. We're so lucky, this is such a great day. It's going to be OK, B"<P>This is what it was like for 18 years. This is why I stayed and fought so hard to keep the marriage. Not for the 'words' but for everything behind it...the feeling of our family, days like this. <P>For weeks I dreaded this Mother's Day because it is the XOW's first Mother's Day.<P>I was afraid that I would be obsessing all day and feeling low when just the opposite has happened. XOW and the OC crossed my mind a few times today, but, no obsessing, just a momentary fleeting sadness, then it was dismissed.<P>I spoke to my Mom and got a card from my daughter who lives in Michigan...then briefly wondered what was going on today at the XOW's house and wondered about what the OC is like now that she is nine months old. Like someone you know or is an acquaintance but so far away that they have no impact on your life. Almost as if they are not real to me==today.<P>Must be God's hand because when I obsess, it's because I have taken it all back and wanted to feel bad and grieve. I wonder if I am starting to get past this. I am almost afraid to say that for fear of jinxing myself and have the demons upon me once again.<P>I am so gratified today because my husband is so grateful to be home, that I took him back and that we are living our lives as it once was and for all the devastation that happened, it is as if it never happened. Today -- nothing much has changed --except me. It's very weird and very surrealistic.<P>So, it was me, Alice, the Mad Hatter, the Dormouse, the White Hare and the Cheshire Cat and all is well Through the Looking Glass.<P>As I look out the window at David sitting in the sun in the lounge chair looking so at peace and so content, he looks up at me and smiles at me with so much love in his eyes and so much warmth, for that moment I beleive I made the right decision, yet, I still wonder.....<P>Blessings<P>Catnip =^^=

popeye,<BR>M Day is over now where I live and yes, the OC certainly entered my mind. I don't like it that I am not the only mother for my H's children (considering we've been married our entire adulthood!); I also imagine that XOW once had fantasies of keeping in touch with H, getting Mother's Day cards from him, for example (since her child is too young to do so), and I feel angry. <P>But I remind myself that this is all MY STUFF, me projecting! The reality is we don't hear from XOW much anymore, have no current contact with OC and it is my job to keep my mind in the here and now: our marriage, our children, sticking to our plan for the OC. I keep in mind the saying "look at the glass half-full, not half-empty"; but it is a struggle sometimes. I've obsessed about this too much of my life, already. I'm learning to catch myself in the half-empty mindtrap and--the hard part--learning what things I can do to pull myself out of it (like playing happy music, or doing something nice for myself)! An older and dear friend told me I do a great job nurturing my children and that I can learn to do the same for MYSELF. I had a poor example from my own mother, so it's an uphill battle.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

catnip,<BR>good to hear from you! SOOOOOO glad you had a great day!!<P>Our family got lunches to-go and ate them at a park we had not been to before, next to the sea. It was very relaxing. H did lots of "my" housechores, we cuddled often and had great sex before bed (Love that sex-begins -in-the-kitchen saying!) I KNOW we did the right thing, staying together. I think we'll always pity the OC her situation, but we can only do our best at any given moment and then let it go...

Jenny:<P>Something you said struck a chord/nerve with me. You said something about wanting to be the ONLY mother for your husband's children. In my case, I am not a mother to ANY of my husband's children yet we've been together twenty years. <BR>He was only with his first wife four years and the OW three weekends. And they get to have their children with him, I can't.<P>I'm going to try to not focus on that and be glad I raised his two kids from pre-school to adulthood and that we love each other and I did a good job raising them. <P>But, oh how I've longed for one of our own for all these many years. It's so sad to me that another someone else has his child. I am so jealous, so very, very jealous.<P>Jenny, you didn't bring me down; I was already coming down off my high. I just came home from taking David to work and I always get depressed when he's gone.<P>Popeye, sorry for crashing your thread. <P>Love<P>catnip =^^=

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>Popeye, sorry for crashing your thread. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, it was quite uplifting to know that you all had a great day. So, the misery doesn't last forever, eh? <P>Mine was terrible. (No kids with the H, but one from a previous marriage. He used to take her out and make sure I had a gift from them). My H has never been very observant of holidays, but since Valentine's Day he said he was turning over a new leaf. He brought me flower a few times since then. Today, it was the same old story. He did call to wish me a happy mother's day, but didn't see him or hear from him for the rest of the day.<P>We are separated and working towards divorce, so I won't be dealing with the whole OC business anyway, but it still kicks when the H is so insensitive. (sigh)

Popeye:<P>How old is your daughter? Is she close to her step-father? How is she coping with all this? Are you friends with your daughter's bio dad?<P>Just really, really nosy. <P>Curiosity killed a <P>catnip =^^=

Hello friends!<P>Popeye, I'm very sorry to hear that your Mother's Day was terrible. I'm sad to hear that it sounds like you are heading for divorce. But I know how difficult this situation is. All of our choices are poor. You need to do what is best for you.<P>Jenny, I also very much grieve the loss of being the only mother to my H's children. I think that has been one of the hardest parts of all this.<P>Catnip, I'm glad to hear that you had such a wonderful day.<P>As for me, my H was out of town today. He flew out of town to visit his sister & BIL (they were at a conference fairly close by - they live far away so we didn't want him to miss the opportunity). Amazingly, my mind never made the connection in wondering what the XOW was doing for mother's day. This past week has been sort of rough for me and my H but I think that we worked through some issues. That probably helped keep my mind off of the subject. <P>I had a nice day even without my H. My mom & dad and my SIL & her kids all came over. We swam & ordered out some Chinese food. My SIL has a baby that is only 1 month younger than the OC. My niece's due date was actually close to the OC's but she arrived a little early. Naturally, this has made me think of the OC. I wonder how big she is getting and what she looks like. My H and I visited with the OC (born 8/16/99) a few times when she was a newborn but we haven't seen her since December (at least I haven't, my H has seen her a couple of times since then). I truly do love children and there is a part of me that would like to see her. But there are still too many issues between me and my H that need to be worked on before I will be ready to include the OC in our lives. And one of the big issues is that my H has never been a very good father. He is working on it but it will take time.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Audrey! Wow. What you said about your spouse not being a very good father struck home with me, too!<P>When I first found out the the XOW was pregnant, I said to David, "Do you feel a pull toward her and the child?' He said, "No". I said, "That's good because you were an uninvolved father to the kids and I raised those kids FOR you." He said, "So what you're telling me is don't change now."<P>I forgot about that conversation until you mentioned about your husband not being that great of a dad.<P>Sheeesh, the things that resurface....<P>I am ashamed to say that at the time, my response was less than charitable. I am still opposed to any kind of involvement, but for different reasons.<P>Hey, Audrey...it sounds like your day was good, too. I'm glad to hear it?<P>BTW, why did you NOT accompany your husband on the last couple visits to see OC??? I imagined David visiting OC without me for a moment and realized that I could not ever allow that to happen. I am waaaay too insecure. Were you worried the entire time he was gone? You must be at a point in your marriage where trust has been progressed significantly and been restored. <P>Blessings<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR>Even though my H is not a great father to our kids, he still feels the need to be involved with the OC. I think part of that is guilt but the other part is that his father died when he was very young (4-1/2 years old). He felt abandoned by his father (emotionally, not logically) and so he could never do that to the OC.<P>You asked how I felt about my H seeing the OC without me. I'll share the story of how this evolved. Through counseling, I realized that I needed to give back my trust to my H. That was very, very difficult but I knew it was something I needed to do for me. We had recovered enough that I truly felt that my H was committed to our relationship. I don't know that I could have given him back any trust if that were not the case. I made it clear to my H that I will leave him if he ever has another affair (physical or emotional). The times that we visited the OC were very hard on me. I realized that I wasn't ready to include the OC in our lives. I was (and still am) very concerned about the affect on our own children to be involved with their half-sister but not knowing who this person really is. So, that is why my H has seen the OC without me. It does hurt to know that he sees her but I don't feel like I can deny him that right and I am not ready to deal with it yet. Even after being in recovery for 16 months, I feel that our marriage has a long way to go to be healed. I sometimes wonder if we will make it but I won't know unless I try. <P>My trust in my H has been significantly restored though it will NEVER be the same. I know that if my H wanted to continue his affair or have another one, that he would find a way to do. That is why I clearly spelled out the fact that I will leave him if that happens. I would like to think that I am much wiser than before and would be able to recognize the signs if it were to happen again. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>How old is your daughter? Is she close to her step-father? How is she coping with all this? Are you friends with your daughter's bio dad?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Daughter is 16. She feels that her step-dad IS her dad. She is devastated and is praying every day that we fix this so that she can have her family back. She forgives him for everything and doesn't care about anything that went on. She just wants her family. <P>I don't know why she is so forgiving and charitable. He's not a good father. That is one of the reasons why we don't have kids. He isn't attentive to this family or the OC. What can you expect when his attention is so divided among so many houses and so many women?<P>Friends with my daughter's dad? ha! No, he was an adulterer too. Ditched him without a second backwards glance. Don't know why it is so hard this time around.

Popeye said:"I don't know why she is so forgiving and charitable. He's not a good father." <P>Popeye,<BR>I've heard it said that there is a human tendency to idealize the (physically or emotionally) absent parent, and I agree! It's not in every case, but for example, a friend with 4 siblings and an alcoholic father says all of her siblings named at least one of their children in some way after their absent father, and none after the stable, involved, well-educated mother. <P>I think we try to 'fill in' what is missing. Just this year, at age 32, I've had to accept that my mother will never be emotionally what I want in a mother. I've been writing to my own fantasy of who she is, not who she is, and we had some painful correspondence as a result.<P>My point is, your daughter too may be living a fantasy of who she wishes your husband is, not the reality of what she's getting. Especially since this is her second dad, and grief is compounded. It's painful to give up on those dreams/ideals. You might feel similarly about the marriage?<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited May 15, 2000).]

Popeye:<P>I am so sorry for your daughter. She is at such a vulnerable and emotional age. Has your husband been around her for the better part of her life?<P>Isn't it strange. My first spouse cheated on me and I left him like a bad habit. I took him back for a brief period with disasterous results, and I left for the last time, and never looked back.<P>This one's different. He got under my skin. His infidelity had such a devastating impact on me because of who we were and what we were and because of our intense involvement. This is the one thing that I truly believed with all my heart that could never happen; that he was completely incapable of infidelity. <BR>I know that's why I am having such an incredibly tough time getting past this. We were so, so close and so much in love. Not one of us loved the other more than the other. It was so balanced and it gave me such joy and peace. I was so happy and never took us for granted--I was always grateful.<BR>That's why this betrayal is so impossible for me, because what we lost was just so precious.<P>I should wear 'widow weeds' the way I carry on.<P>Catnip =^^=