Hi Everyone,<BR> <BR> I just wanted to introduce myself because I've been reading the posts and ordering Harley's books for about two years. I just didn't have the courage to join in until now.<BR> My H's EA started in 96 and the OC was born in 97. I can relate to everyone here. The OW was my H's supervisor on the job. I was a basket case for a long time. H would not quit, but after praying, H was eventually layed off. How's that for answered prayer? I don't want to ramble on and on but we see OC every other weekend. H has partial custody, which is what I wanted. I didn't want him sneaking around to see OC. Also, our two children know what happened and they have accepted him. I really believe they accepted the OC because I accepted the OC, although it took while for our older child.<BR> I tried to get H interested in this site but I think he has a hard time accepting the fact that from time to time I may need support. Because of this I may not reply to posts if H is home.<P><BR>

Welcome, to a site that will hopefully be a haven for you. I applaud your taking on the OC like ya'll have. Our OC is 6 yrs now, and her father has never seen her although he pays child support. That took a lot of strength. My story is on the General site if you want to find it. You'll have to back a little. Stick around a while and hear from the others they usually respond. Remember, sadly, you are not alone, and we can share your pain if you wish. Give support if you need it. Texasgirl.

CD:<P>It always feels so strange to say "welcome" to this site because why you are here is not where any of us want to be. But, regardless, we are glad you are here, instead having to deal with everything all by yourself. <BR>Personally, I get a lot of comfort, guidance and love and support here with these wonderful people who, to me, have become closer than any friends I have in my day to day life. Because, they understand me and don't judge me. I can say whatever I want to people I know have similar feelings, something I could never do with my day to day friends. (They all think I should bail)<BR>If my perceptions are out of whack, someone here will tell me.<P>We all have a common situation here; that being the existance of a child as a result of infidelity. How we each individually cope with the fallout from having this sunami occur in our marriages may be of some benefit to you. Your experiences will certainly help us as well.<P>I hope you will come here often and not let anyone or anything prevent you from gaining the insight and friendship we all need at a time like this.<P>Blessings<P>Catnip =^^=

CD,<BR>Nice to meet you Congradulations on recovery <P>How much older are your two kids? I'm assuming friends and family know now, then. How have they taken it? Are you getting any 'flack'? So curious...<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

CD,<BR>I'm glad that you decided to introduce yourself. I think we all benefit from hearing how others have handled this difficult situation. Welcome to the forum.<P>My H and I have 3 children (8, 3, & 2). How old are your children? How did you explain the OC to them? Our OC was born 8/99 (same as Catnip's OC). We are working on some issues in our marriage right now. I know that my H wants to include the OC in our lives. I am willing to do that once I feel that our marriage has healed and can endure the stress of including the OC. So, I am interested to hear more about your story. I would like to know how you handled telling others and how people have reacted. Also, how do you handle contact with the XOW?<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Welcome. I am also interested in how you handled telling friends and family. Does the child have your last name making it easier for you to deal with strangers who ask? Any information will be helpful. I am in the beginnings of finding out, just three months ago. But the child is already two. My H doesn't want any contact. To be honest I don't either. I want both families to go on and live their lives. But I am interested on how you excepted everything. How is the relations with the OW? thank you for introducing yourself. <P>babstr.

I just want to thank everyone for welcoming me to this forum. <BR>Just a little more background. Both of our children are teenagers (13 & 18). So, how did our children find out? Well, they heard all of the arguments. I think I called my H everything except a child of God. I couldn't believe he had done this to me. Anyway, that's why our children knew about the OC before they met the OC. Our children also new we were in counseling to work things out.<BR>I was very fortunate because I received support from my side and his side of the family. I think it was pretty much the consensus that I did not deserve that kind of treatment. <BR>The OC has our last name. At first that bothered me. I felt like how dare she use my H's last name! Now, I guess it doesn't really make a difference to me.<BR>The relations with OW. I don't have any with her. I'm not in the car when the OC is picked up, and I'm not sure I want to be. Actually, I'm not sure about it. On the one hand, I kind of want to make my presence known so she won't get any hopes of getting my H. On the other hand, I don't want a mental image of her plastered in my head. I've only seen a glimpse of her.<P>

Bless you and thanks and congradulations again on keeping it together.<P>Do you have any questions for us...?

CD,<P>Let me join the others in saying welcome to this forum. I haven't been here very long myself but I must admit that it such a relief to be able to discuss this matter with persons who are actually going through the same thing. I discussed this matter with someone whom I thought was my best friend but she was not very supportive and in fact discussed it with others before I had a chance to really get use to the idea myself.<P>My husband and I also have contact with the OC which also has our last name. The OW is in her early twenties and trying to work and go back to school so on occassion when she can't find a babysitter during the week my H will ask if OC can come over. (We have a rule that this must be preapproved and usually my husband and the OW meet a convenience store and exchange the OC.)<P>I am currently not at the point where I am comfortable with the OC being in our home on the weekends as we have not disclosed his existence to persons who may drop by on the weekends. I know it may sound silly but I am taking baby steps here. <P>What do you guys think? My husband says he will deal with it any way that I want. How have those of you have told your families/friends dealt with this situation?<P>Thanks<P>Until next time....<p>[This message has been edited by troll (edited May 16, 2000).]

Troll:<P>We haven't heard from you in a while and I was beginning to worry. I'm glad you are back here and I must admit, I am gratified that your husband is so sensitive to your wishes. It sounds as if he's completely flexible and is acquiecsing to your desires. That is excellent. He's concerned about your feelings and how this will effect you...as it should be.<P>Don't apologize for taking baby-steps. it isn't silly. You are light years ahead of me. My husband and I have no contact, and right now, that's the way it must be. <P>CD:<P>Please reconsider going with your husband to pick up and drop off the OC. I think it is important to present a united front to the XOW. This alone may disspell any hopes she may have for herself.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

thank you for writing back and giving us more information. Like I said before you are a stronger person than I am. I too think that you should go with your husband to show you are united. <P>That had to be very difficult on your children. I am fortunate that my child is only two. She does not know or understand, and I hope that she never feels the pain of this in her life. The OC in my situation has her mother's last name. I think that makes it easier for her family also. <P>Once again thank you writing back.<P>babstr.

The OC in our case has her mother's last name, but the XOW felt she had the right to give the child my mother-in-law's maiden name for the middle name (and she doesn't even know my MIL!!!). <P>XOW has done SO many things that aggrevate me... Sometimes I still have trouble with that, my anger at XOW. I think what she's done is not personal, not directed at hurting me, but that she is SO dysfuctional that she hurts people anyway. So why am I still mad? I'm only hurting myself... Who's succeeded at getting rid of that?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CD:<BR><B>The OC has our last name...I'm not in the car when the OC is picked up, and I'm not sure I want to be. Actually, I'm not sure about it. On the one hand, I kind of want to make my presence known so she won't get any hopes of getting my H. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What!! In my state, the unwed mother can't give the child the father's name unless the father gives his permission. <P>I understand how you feel about not wanting to be there when the OC is picked up, but I think it would be wiser of you to make your presence known. This woman was devious enough to have your husband's child. If she still has any fantasies in her head, she can and will take advantage of your absence. I think you and your husband should show a strong united front.

Jenny,<P>I think that is pretty twisted that she gave her child your MIL maiden name. I mean that is something that is done within families, I wonder what you MIL thinks about that. She must have really thought she was going to be in the family to go as far as to name her child with a family name. I really can't believe some of the things people do.<P>By the way in my state the mother has to have the permission also to use the last name of the father. <P>babstr.

How is this for dysfunctional. My H XOW named OC after H dead sister and used his Brother's middle name. I don't understand what they are thinking sometimes. She had a hard time accepting that my H only wanted to have contact with the OC and that what she wanted or needed was not important to him.<BR>

Troll,<P>That too is awful. I can't believe that people would stoop so low. I think that is very hard on the spouses also. I am sure you husband loves his siblings, now he has this child with these names, and it is a thorn. Why in the world would these woman think this would cause a man to stick around, do they think that it shows devotion? How twisted. Did your husband know she was going to do this, or was he surprised. Like I mentioned before, most families would not be happy, and this would only offend other family members. Using family names should be used within the family. Havig a name passed on is a honor for the whole family. This leaves a bad taste in the mouth for all involved. <P>babstr.

Hi Everyone<P> Reading the recent posts (OW's naming OC's), I am still amazed at the lengths the OW's will go through to get someone else's H.<BR>I don't know if I'm by myself, but really believe the OW got pregnant on purpose.<P>Response to being present when H picks up OC.<P> I said I'm not sure if I want to be there, but what I didn't tell you is that it's not optional. H will not allow it. At least not now. He thinks it will cause negative reactions on OW's part. From time to time I send one of my representatives (my sons)with H. Also, H carries a cell with him when he goes. This was part of the agreement to help make me feel comfortable.<BR> <BR>

CD,<P>Like your OC, our OC has our last name. All during OW's pregnancy she insisted that she was going to use her own last name. That all changed once the child was here. On top of that, it isn't even clear if the OC is my H's, we are awaiting DNA tests right now. In my state you can use ANY man's last name for your child, and subsequently go after him for paternity, etc., even if you don't know him from Adam. It's SICK!!! Even if you are positive that the child is not yours, you still have to spend money on attorneys, etc. How ridiculous. We definately live in a woman's state. Sorry to go off on a rampage there.... <P>I also am sure OW got pregnant on purpose. In fact she told my H shortly after finding out she was pregnant that she had told her family that she and H were moving away together (H is in the Army), and talked about marriage, etc. While she was fully aware that H and I were still married! These women are delusional!!<P>Also, in regard to you being present in front of OW... It seems to me that possibly your H is being too protective of her feelings. I'm not sure what he's concerned about in regards to her feelings. If the OW doesn't want you around OC, too bad! She impregnated herself by a MM, which in turn means she knew that there was a wife involved. Is H afraid she won't let him see the OC? If that's the case, if the visitations are court ordered, it doesn't matter what her feelings are. H is married to you and has every right to see the OC, regardless of how OW feels about the relationship between you and your H. You see, my H was very sensitive in regards to this subject matter while OW was pregnant. He would say, well I don't want to make her agitated so that she doesn't try to rip me apart in court, etc. Well, she's had the baby and is now uglier than ever, despite H's efforts to stay on her good side. I say, forget OW's feelings altogether, we already know that the OW is deceitful, manipulative, and will change her tune on a dime. I've told my H, you are married to me, and my feelings are what should ultimately concern you!! Does any of that make sense?<P><p>[This message has been edited by tryingtomoveforward (edited May 18, 2000).]

I agree with 'trying' here, CD. The XOW's feelings should not be your H's concern here. He's got his priorities mixed up...

I agree with both of you. We've talked about this alot. We used to end up arguing about it, but I refuse to argue about anything now. We just talked about it again today, but he's still saying the same things.<BR>He says she doesn't have to see me. She knows he's home with me every night. There are no unaccounted for hours. He loves me, not her. He has no feelings for her. Hasn't the way he's been treating me prove that? Etc. Etc.