This story is primarily for women who are contemplating having a child with a man who is not available or does not want to have children. It is a true story. It is my story.<P>My father has always been a cheater. Always. My mother was his first wife. They were married for 16 years and had 5 children together. My father's cheating drove my mother to several unsuccessful suicide attempts. It eventually literally drove her crazy. She believed in him so much, and he lied so much, that she began doubting her own senses.<P>In a bid of ridding herself of her incredible sadness and saving her children from a life of pain, my mother tried to kill herself and all of her children. She saw no other way out. This desperate act lead my father to finally leave her. An act which I believe sent my mother into irreconcilable insanity. You see, nothing was more precious to her than her family and now she had nothing.<P>During my parent's marriage. My father had a seven year affair. He impregnated that woman with twins that died before childbirth. He impregnated another woman with a son. This one made it.<P>My father eventually married the woman who he had the seven year affair with and cheated on her too- relentlessly. During that marriage, he had another son with a different woman.<P>Neither of those boys have a father. OC1 came into our lives when he was 6 years old. My stepmother tried to accept him and his mother, doing the compassionate thing. She couldn't. Even today, she does weird things to hurt him in subtle ways. I don't think she means to, but the hurt is just still so great.<P>Even though OC1 was around, he just never quite fit in. He was always different. He didn't know the inside jokes, didn't have the memories of camp and family vacations that we shared. He didn't go to the same schools. He didn't know the music we all sang together. It was a sad situation that the siblings tried to mend, but we just couldn't. We tried to tell him stories of his father. We could see his loneliness. There was just nothing that could be done to fix it. <P>OC1's mother was young, stupid, and selfish. She thought having a kid would keep her always in the money and possibly get her my dad. She never had her child's best interest at heart and used him to manipulate all our lives. That divisive relationship added to the discord between OC1 and the rest of the family. <P>OC1 ended up living a life of crime and drugs (a lifestyle completely foreign to the rest of us). I think he was searching for something to fill him. Maybe hoping to die. I don't think he ever felt loved. Though he's coming out of his destructiveness now, he's still a really wounded guy.<P>OC2's mother is great. She's a warm hearted woman who cares a great deal for her children. She never made any demands on my father for money and always respected his marriage (at least AFTER the child was born). She allowed my dad to see OC2, but he never really did that too much. Just a few times here and there. It was always behind his wife's back. She did her best to ensure that OC2 never felt the lack of a father, but of course, that is a void that can never be filled. <P>When OC2 turned 15, he found our father on the internet and started an e-mail relationship. My dad didn't want to tell his wife because of the hell they went through with the first OC and subsequent affairs. These things have a way of coming out anyway though. Now OC2 is openly acknowledged.<P>Has it caused problems for my dad's marriage. Oh, you can believe that! This wife is also on the verge of insanity. She's got stress related health problems and is just very unstable.<P>OC2 is a great guy, but very insecure. I am sure he also feel unloved, but does his best to hide it. He reaches out to all his siblings and we all do our best to include him (like OC1) in family gatherings and tell him stories of this dad he doesn't know. It's never enough.<P>My father put his marriage and his legitimate children first. I am happy he made that choice, but there are no real winners in this situation. We all share in this pain, and for some, it's still felt daily. Is that the best thing for you? Only you can say.<P>OW, do you see why I feel so strongly about providing children with two loving parents and a stable environment? Having children out of wedlock is a horrible situation to bring such precious babies into. Please think twice about doing this! The life you hope they have is not likely to happen. Men don't generally leave their wives for OW or OCs. <P>Can the situation change? Yes, but do you want to bet your children's future on it? Isn't it much better to wait until you can provide what they need before having them? Don't you want a man who will be faithful to you and love only you?<P>And if you choose to believe the H's lies and justify your actions by saying he loves you, you're undervaluing yourself. If you think his wife doesn't care about him and isn't being hurt, just look at what this did to my mom. If you think his children (if he has any) and yours aren't going to be affected, think again. Try seeing beyond today. There are a lot of conflicting things going on, and it's hard to know what is real, but one thing that you know to be true is that you don't have a man who is devoted and married to you. Why would you have his kid under those circumstances? <P>MW, please think about your role in the life of the OCs. If you cannot truly be a mother to this child, don't fake it. It comes through and ends up being more hurtful in the long run. Everybody sees it. I applaud your efforts in trying and wanting to be the kind, forgiving, and supportive wife, but if it is not truly in you, honor what is. It will make your relationship to your H, the OC and yourself more honest. If that means leaving your H or not having a relationship with the OC, honor that.<P>MM, don't put yourself in this situation. Why would you want to put your wife and children through this torture? This doesn't go away. Your children deserve a father who can be there without guilt and who can honor ALL of his family relationships without sacrificing one for the other.<P>The whole thing just stinks.<P>I am not suggesting that all families end up this way. I am just giving you a glimpse into mine and some of the possibilities you may face. I hope you find something of value in my story.<P>If you are in this situation and choose to deal with life like this, I applaud you. You have great strength and incredible heart. I hope you make it with a minimum of heartache. May the love and patience you show come back to you 10 fold.<P>For those who choose to leave situations like this, I also applaud you. It's a hard road. You didn't create this, and you don't have to go on dealing with it. Something better, something real, awaits you.<P>For the betrayers who are engaging in acts that can lead to this, but haven't yet, WAKE UP. Your selfishness will live on far beyond your acts of betrayal. The pain you create often manifests in terrible ways. You can't undo this. Please don't do this.<P>For all of us who find ourselves here, examine your role and ask yourself what you can learn from this. If you let yourself be a victim, you condemn yourself (like my dad) to repeating the same role over and over, always hurting those you love. You can overcome this and make tomorrow more promising than today. Keep trying. You will make it. Your family deserves it. So do you.

Dear Popeye:<P>I am moved, I am speechless.<P>Thank you.<P>Catnip =^^=

P,<P>What an eye opener. You have shown how things can change and how things can end up. Thank you for feeling so open to share this with everyone. You have a lot of strength. <P>babstr.<BR>

popeye,<BR>Thank you for sharing an incredible story. Too bad most people won't read it before It's Too Late.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

<p>[This message has been edited by I'mafool (edited May 18, 2000).]

Hey Popeye, maybe this message would help the sorry bunch at gloryb.com. I lurked on their board yesterday and there was a poor, defenseless, pregnant OW who basically wants societies permission to wreck yet another family. Every skank-to-be should hear this story. If anything, at least they will realize that they probably won't get their men away from the wives.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by pollypurebred:<BR><B>Hey Popeye, maybe this message would help the sorry bunch at gloryb.com. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for the suggestion. I posted it there. I don't expect it will do much good, but they can't say they weren't warned. <P>I've been by there once for just a moment and was so disgusted by the absolute glee these women feel from the results of their destruction. It's pitiful. There is something really wrong inside of people who need to conquer in order to feel good. It doesn't matter what the consequences to themselves or others. It's like the thrill is in the plotting and advancing. The set backs are even thrilling because it gives them some kind of goal to overcome. It's really wicked. These are real people with real feelings. How could they be so cruel?<P>The real sadness is that the joke is on them and they don't even know it.

You've wasted no time Popeye! Seriously though, if your message can stop even one more OW from ruining the lives of innocents, a great thing will have been done. Thanks.

I read what the OW wrote their board in response to your posting. They just don't get it, do they?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by pollypurebred:<BR><B>I read what the OW wrote their board in response to your posting. They just don't get it, do they? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's really sad. I cannot believe that there are such blind people who don't want to see the message because they can't stand the messenger. It seems they take such pleasure in being one up on the Ws, any W... and at their child's expense.

I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated your story. It was very encouraging for me being on the other side of the coin. Yes, I've been the cheater, but I'm trying so hard to make the right decisions now. And believe me, it can be very difficult. My little ones have a wonderful father, and I am so thankful for that. Stories like yours help me to remember the importance of my marriage and family. Thank you so much.