If your husband did not want to have to deal with a child from a woman not his wife, then he should not have had sex with her. The fact is, he chose to have sex with her, they made a person together, and he has responsability to that child. You may not, but HE DOES. It's not the child's fault that his (her) daddy abandoned her(him) . that is your husband's fault. The kid is innocent.<P>PPB.. you say "she chose... to go to term with her pregnancy".. So, because you don't want your husband to live up to his responsabilities, you want her to kill her baby. At least that is how I read it. Am I wrong about that? Do you blame her for not getting an abortion? For not killing your husband's baby?<P>You sound so much like you hate this little baby. I mean, the mother was wrong.. as soon as she knew your husband was married, she should have backed off.. but your husband was equally wrong. Actually, more wrong. He made marital vows, she didn't. If you want to stay with him,that is wonderfull, he also has responsabilities to the children he created with you. But he doesn't get to pick and choose which of his children he has obligations to, and which he doesn't. He has obligations to them all.

PPbred.. I'm sorry. I am thinking of the baby, and not you.. so, I apologize. You don't need me telling you my opinion, you need support. <P>Be Well.<P>

Inana: Unless you have walked a mile in our shoes, you haven't clue one.<P>In fact, to go on and on about that WS should have put a sock on it to prevent anyone from getting pregnant is a moot point. Yeah. We ALL already know that and to continue mewling about it misses the point entirely.<P>According to a Retrouvaille priest, the FIRST and FOREMOST responsibility MUST be to the MARRIAGE. The ONLY responsibility to the OC is financial, unless the betrayed spouse feels that the mariage has recovered and healed sufficiently enough where she feels that she has some room in her heart to include OC. That takes time and depends upon circumstances and the health of the marriage. <P>As a pro-lifer I do not condone abortion but I love ADOPTION as an option that should be used far more than it has been in situations such as ours here on this site, as opposed to sentencing OC to a life with a single parent and never knowing it's bio-dad. <BR>But, that choice is always made by OW without any input from WS or spouse. Adoption is a SELFLESS and HONORABLE alternative to dragging entire families and the OC through the heartache of never being a part of each others' families, for a myriad of reasons.<P>In our case, OW refuses any visitation or contact yet she's there with her hand out and INSISTS on money. She continues to mandate how it's going to be. She wants all the benefits and none of the obligations. <P>The OC is an innocent victim who will probably never know it's bio-dad in many cases, and never have the opportunity to be raised by, loved by or nurtured by a loving, two parent family simply because the OW "opts" to keep the child without really thinking about what is in the best interest of the child.<P>To take Polly to task for your self-righteous and inaccurate perceptions of your interpretation of her frustration and anger and to accuse her of condoning baby killing is out of line and ludicrous. Please get off your high horse and take a logical look at what those of us facing this ultimate nightmare are dealing with. It is a pain, a death, a loss, that is so earth shattering, it changes the landscape of your life forever. We are trying to deal with these heartwrenching situations the best we know how. <BR>We come here to VENT, we come here to RAGE because we are devastated, (it is safe here) so hurt, so disappointed and horrified that we will never, ever be the same. <BR>We come here for SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING because only we completely understand each other's anger and pain. No one else can, except those of us who have experienced this uniques situation.<P>None of us owe one thing to the OW or the OC under any circumstances. In fact, the OW owes US. If any one of us feels charitable enough or benevolent enough or are evolved enough to want to include OC into our lives, that is simply because God has opened our hearts and have made us ready to accept the OC. It is NOT a mandate and if we never want to include the OC into our lives, that is our right, as we have already essentially "been raped into step-parenthood", without our consent, without our knowledge.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 02, 2000).]

Innana, yes, I am pro-choice. A lifetime ago, when I was single and became pregnant, I had an abortion when I realized that having a baby at that time would be bad for me and especially the baby. It was a well thought out choice.<P>The OW had at least one abortion in her lifetime when she realized that having a baby would not have been in her or the child's best interest. Fast foward. Now she has gets pregnant by a married man she would like to have for herself. She CHOOSES to keep the baby, despite being told he would NOT be participating in the child's life. SHE KNEW THIS, but chose to have her baby anyway. <P>My H, whom I fully and frequently blame for all of this, had no recourse. With men it's, "you play you pay", while for women, it's all about choices. <P>Yes, Innana, I would have liked her to have an abortion, like she chose at one point when it was the best thing to do under the circumstances, like I chose at one point when it was best thing to do under the circumstances. But she did not, knowing that the child would be fatherless. Yes, I blame her for her current status, being that the cards were laid out for her quite early on. <P>It seems you would have me hog tie my H and drag him to see his child. No I don't hate the OC, it is as innocent as me and my children. However, I am not going to insist that my H disrupt my family's life to go form a relationship with the OW's child. Why should I? Think about it. Did she insist that he go home and be with our children instead of in her bed? Did she give a second thought about my children's needs? Your concern is definately one sided. <P>You go to the racetrack, lose all of your money on a long shot, then you curse the horse. TOW gamble did not play out, her child suffers. She took risks and now her child will pay emotionally, and mine will pay both emotionally and finacially. But I guess the children born of marriage don't count to anyone anymore.

For the regulars, I really hope I haven't made any enemies with my pro-choice beliefs, and that we can agree to disagree on this matter. I so value the support I get from this board. <P>

Polly:<P>Don't ever feel you have to apologize for your beliefs. In fact, I admit after I received the shocking news, I remember thinking, "If she gets an abortion, that's her decision and I have nothing to do with it." And I secretly hoped she would for a few hours.<BR>When I was able to think somewhat rationally, I was appalled at myself that even just for that short time, I went against my principles because it served me.<P>Even in my deepest grief, I did not want that child to die.<P>Though I do not agree with pro-choice dogma, I respect your right to believe the way you do. I think you are a strong and stellar woman and I am extremely grateful for you and your views, attitudes and obviously educated and thoughtful responses add so much to our forum.<P>I never have problems with people with opposing views, only with people who come on the site with no idea the pain and destruction and mouth off idiotic and insulting and combative blatherings---it just pi**es me off. Polly, you've been in the crosshairs yourself.<P>Catnip =^^=

Polly: I agree with Catnip, you don't have to apologize for your beliefs! I, too, am pro-choice and hoped the OW would opt for an abortion. My H suggested it to OW, but she said it was against her religion. That was when she under the delusion that my H would leave me (after 10 years together) for her because she was pregnant with his child. <P>Actually, my H had broken off the affair after about 3 months because a) he felt so guilty and realized it was wrong and b) because OW started saying she wanted a relationship, not just sex. He told her from the start that he loved me and had NO intention of ever leaving me. She didn't believe him. When we didn't separate (despite her best efforts), OW told H that she would have had an abortion had she only known that he wouldn't leave me for her. By then it was too late.<P>I guess it's the "situational" ethics that bother me. OW insists she won't have an abortion when she thinks she can get H for herself. Then when she realizes H won't leave me, wishes she had done it. By the way, if your religion doesn't allow abortion, it probably doesn't allow adultery either. Funny, how some people pick and choose which commandments apply to them. Thanks for sharing, Polly. -- D.

DSR,<P>That is exactly what I was thinking. I laughed out loud. I can't believe how these people pick and choose which sins are justified, and which ones are not. Like you I don't believe adultery is allowed in ANY religion. People are amusing. Sometimes I just have to laugh at how twisted some of these situations are, like where did some of these people come from, MARS?! <P>babstr

Polly,<BR>you have not offended me, either. We come here for support...