I'm new to the internet and this is my first e-mail message, so bear with me. I have never known anyone else who's H had an affair, much less an affair that produced a child! I've wanted kids as long as I can remember. We kept putting it off until the "time" was right; when our careers were established and we had a house of our own. A couple of months after we moved into our house, I got a call out of the blue from the OW telling me that she had been sleeping with my husband and was pregnant with his child. At that moment, my whole world changed. The only thing that comes anywhere near it emotionally is the day my father died. <P>That was over three years ago. We have been in counseling and are trying to work things through. The DNA tests were positive and now 40% of my H's take home pay goes to supporting his son.<P>All of my H's family know about the child. My family knows except for my mother. (After my father's sudden death, she's had enough to deal with.) My problem is with my H's family. Both of his brothers are married with children. All of the children are boys. My husband is the first born and his brothers are intent on embracing his first born, regardless of how we feel about it. Naturally, the child does not come without a mother. They have embraced her as "part of the family" as well. I refuse to attend any family function to which the OW and C have been invited. My H sides with me, but still.... This is driving a wedge in the family. <P>Maybe I would feel different if we had children before all this happened. Or if we had a child of our own now. (I haven't wanted to pursue having a child when our marriage is still in question.) This whole mess is something I didn't bargain for when I pledged "for better or worse." It's comforting (in a "misery loves company" sort of way)to know there are others who can relate to what I've been going through. I wish none of us had to go through this. Thanks for listening.

DSR,<BR>when I first came here I was helped by a lady in almost exactly your situation: no kids together, the H's parents fully embracing XOW and OC, to the extent that last I heard they basically had given up on the relationship with their in-laws any more. I definately feel the inlaws are in the wrong here. Any relationships to the OC should not be at the expense of the married couple.<P>I'm sorry that lady hasn't posted here in a long time, but there are quite a few of us around at the present! Congradulations on the recovery of your marriage! <P>Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found it! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited May 23, 2000).]

Welcome DSR,<P>I also am fairly new to this group. Besides one other individual I met on another message board I never knew anyone else in my same, sad predicament. In a ironic way it is comforting to know that my H isn't the only fool out there that made some terrible choices in life that have affected the entire family's future.<P>Since you have been recovering for three years, obviously you both have put great effort into saving your marriage. I've only been dealing with this dilemma for nine months, but it seems like nine years. Only my SIL knows about the situation and is totally on my side. The family has enough turmoils to deal with already and she refuses to get involved in anything else. My MIL is much too fragile emotionally and this news would probably push her over the end.<P>I agree that having a child of your own would have probably made a difference, but your in-laws should still be able to understand your feelings and try to act accordingly. How is it fair that the OW and OC are being embraced while you are left out? I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them at family functions. That would be much too painful for me also.<P>As time went on, did it get easier for you to deal the issue and it not be as painful? I keep waiting for the pain to ease up, but to no avail, I feel like the knife is still sticking out of my chest. <P>Welcome again.

<BR>DSR,<P>40% of his take home pay! Where do you live?!? I've got issues with the income shares system, I'll readily admit, but I've never heard of an award so high for a single child. Incredible, and incredibly sad.<P>Bystander

DSR,<BR>Welcome to the board. I'm glad that you found us. It is so helpful to have others in this same situation that we can share our stories and feelings with; others who truly understand what it means to be in our shoes. You will find wonderful support here. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

DSR<P> I will have to keep you in prayer. I can't imagine my situation worst by having my in laws imbrace the OW. How insensitive of them!<P><BR>

DSR:<P>I am so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Under the circumstances, you came to the right place for guidance, support and genuine caring.<P>We are all in the same awful predicament, but this forum saved me from losing my sanity at a time when I had no one else to talk to who would understand the depth of my pain and sadness at loosing so much.<P>The disloyalty of your in-laws must make you feel awful. I am so sorry that you have to go through what must seem as another betrayal of sorts.<P>We're here for you and looking for your posts.<P>Catnip =^^=

40% of his take home pay! I've never heard of an award so high for a single child. <P>My husband is an independent consultant, so he has no healthcare (he's covered under my plan at work). Plus he only gets paid for actual hours worked, so no paid holidays, vacation, sick time, etc. The actual child support is over $1400 per month plus he has to provide medical coverage. My H is on my health covereage, but we can't put OC on my plan because he is NOT related to me. Therefore, my H has to purchase medical coverage for him and OC (you cannot just cover a child alone -- believe it or not!), which adds up to another $400+ per month. The OW was in the process of divorcing her husband and was looking at the prospect of having to work to support herself and 2 daughters when she latched onto my H as a solution to her problems. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with someone to support her. (And my H thought it was his charming personality that attracted her! Fat chance!) The OW lives on child support (from her ex and my H) and welfare. She doesn't work at all. Because of her, I would not have the option of staying at home with our child should we decide to have one. Yes, it makes me angry, too. -- DSR

DSR,<BR>I can't speak to the amount of ch-support, (though it sounds awfully high!) . But I know you can get cheaper insurance!!! My H also must pay health care. He covers just the OC at Celtic Life for $80/mo. Don't know if CL is in all states, but there MUST be SOMEthing available under 400/mo!!!!!<P>I've have wondered if 'our' XOW got pregnant for exactly the reason you state, DSR: to be home. The only reason she stayed with her XH as long as she did was to stay home with her first two kids, and far as I know she's now living off her XH, my H, WIC, and a little under-the-table work for her stepfather. As a stay-at-home mom myself, I value what it does for the kids, but I don't think it justifies what the XOW did, and the fatherless dysfunctional family it gave the OC....

Welcome to this group that no one should belong to. You have been dealing with this for so long, it still sounds like there is alot of pain. You will find comfort and support here. I wish this could have been here for you in the beginning. <P>I can't believe your inlaws. I don't think our relationships would last if that is what was going on with my H's family. They view the OW as a high priced prositute, high price in the fact we have to pay so much child support. Although mine is not as high as yours, did you have legal support, which state do live in that it is that high? I would check around for the health insurance also. <P>Once again I am sorry that you had to be here. You are in my prayers and thoughts.<P>babstr.

As for paying high child support, yes, we did have legal representation. Of course that was not cheap, nor were the 2 DNA tests. Since paternity was proven, my H also had to pay for all of her legal fees. As for medical coverage, we're lucky to have coverage at $400 per month. We were paying $535 per month! The child was premature and has had medical problems from day one. The OC sees specialists on a monthly basis. Naturally, once insurance companies see that, they are not interested in covering him. We live in RI which has been under going a health care crisis for the last couple of years. Just last year 2 prominent HMO's closed. The only real coverage option is with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Since they're the only game in town, most companies will see double-digit premium increases this year. One plus, the OW allows us to deduct OC on our income taxes. Since she doesn't have income (other than child support which isn't taxable) the deduction doesn't do her any good and it does help us. Ah well, I should be thankful for that anyway. Thanks for all your comments and support. It really helps! DSR

DSR,<BR>Thanks for clarifying. I didn't mean to sound so adament, but what your H pays truly shocks me: Gosh! I'm so sorry, and glad "being" here offers you some support.<BR>Jenny <P>