For those of you that have been through the waiting for the OC to be born...how did you handle the wait and finding out that the baby was born? I need advice, please!<P>I'm in limbo and I feel like the birth of this child will either make or break our marriage! Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on it...I don't know. The baby is due in July - H has not had contact with the OW since Jan. He has mentioned lately that he would like to contact OW's mother to find out if everything is okay. I'm okay with that as long as I'm part of the phone conversation too. He didn't like the idea (afraid of what might be said?) so I don't know if the phone call will happen or not. <P>H has a hard time communicating his feelings, so I wonder a lot about what he really wants from all this. I have been seeing a counselor...he has not. I'm trying to work through this basically on my own, although I try to discuss the situation with him every once in a while to see where he's at. I'm over the ranting and raging part (I think) but don't feel very connected with him. H has his moments where he is supportive of my feelings...other times I think he just doesn't have a clue.<P>H says that he doesn't want any contact with OC and will only pay what he can in child support. If that's nothing, then it will be nothing. Due to a possible job change, H will be making very little for a while until he works his way up. I will be the primary support for the family. He doesn't think OW will force the child support issue because she and her family don't want him having anything to do with OC. I'm not so sure about that...it remains to be seen. I, on the other hand, think he is avoiding his responsibility if he doesn't provide some kind of support for the child. As difficult as it is for me to face the reality of the OC, H has to face the reality that he did play a part in making that baby and now has to face the consequences. However, I don't think I'm the one that should have to take on that responsibility!!! <P>We do have children of our own...2 beautiful girls (4 & 5 yrs. old) adopted from Russia. So, that's a whole other side to this story. I'm unable to have biological children...but now the OW is having his child! Believe me, she is loving it. She has stated that she is giving him something I never could and that she will always have a part of him. Can I throw up now? <P>Any advice or suggestions are appreciated. I'm hanging in there for now!<P>

Andi,<BR>I took things one day at a time during the XOW's pregnancy. I remember my H and I having some very emotional discussions during that time. We were discussing our involvement with the OC. We weren't sure if our marriage was going to make it because we couldn't agree on anything. We finally decided that we would "babysit" the OC once a month. <P>The XOW had a scheduled c-section, so at least we knew exactly when the baby was going to arrive. The OC was born the day after my birthday. What a wonderful present, don't you think? I made my H put together a birthday party for me so I would be surrounded by friends instead of wallowing in self pity. <P>I'm glad to hear that your H is not in contact with the XOW. My H was in contact with the XOW (by phone) the whole time. I'm not sure now how I survived that!<P>Both my H and I have a hard time communicating our feelings. No wonder our marriage was in a mess! Your H really should seek counseling. He needs to learn to understand his feelings and communicate them to you. My H and I are slowly but surely learning how to do that. <P>Take care, <BR>Audrey<p>[This message has been edited by Audrey (edited May 23, 2000).]

Andi:<P>The waiting was hard for me. I had so much resentment and rage back then. I worried that my husband had feelings for the OW and OC, I worried about what was going to become of the marriage and if my husband would feel a pull towards OC. I had visions in my head that this woman had to be the most charming, most scintillating conversationalist, bright, well-read, humorous beyond belief and look like a Vicki's Secret model to boot.<P>I have the same 'time frame' as you do, however, a year earlier, so I can tell you how it progressed for us. The last time my husband had contact with OW was January 99. He snapped out of his withdrawal/despondency in June 99. The child was born August 99. He has had no contact and has no desire, so far.<P>Before the child was born, I hopped on a plane and flew to NY, rented a car and a hotel and drove to OW's house to have a chat. I had to talk fast to disarm her as I arrived unannounced. We ended up talking for 6 hours and I flew home.<P>I needed to look her in the eye to see if the child was really my husband's and I needed to know what she planned to do. I was hoping, of course, for adoption. she informed me, "Not a chance". <P>Before I could go on with my marriage, I needed answers. I had to fly to NY to get them, but get them I did.<P>What an encounter. Sheesh. Someday I'll write about it.<P>Anyway, when I got back I felt much better for many reasons, made my decision to stay with my spouse and waited for the birth. I wasn't as haunted by it or by her any longer, but I was very, very saddened by it.<P>We only found out about the birth because I called the hospital every day for a week around the due date. One day I called and the front desk told me that OW had been released but baby X was registered. I pretended to be a happy well-wishing friend. You should have heard me. I got more information out of the front desk lady than was normally allowed becaue I gushed my happiness for my 'friend', the OW and the arrival of her spawn.<P>I should have been a private investigator. Damn, I'm good.<P>Catnip =^^=

Andi,<P>One, I'd check with a lawyer or do some research re: your state laws on child support. See if your income is included or not. If not, his % of payments shouldn't be high. See if the XOW can sue for BACK child support, because that can add up to a lot in a hurry and truly bankrupt a person! He is on shakey legal ground to not be paying state-recommended levels, but with the job situation, I can see why you'd want to keep it this way--just cover your bottom!<P>Two, the birth. I think the best way is Audrey's way: Do something else!! <P>Three, your H does not sound consistant to me--he doesn't want contact, but he's ready to call and see how she's doing and the baby's not even born yet! Was it an emtional affair? You were very reasonable that you be on the line! Good job! Your H sounds like he could be a conflict avoider--wants more contact than he says but won't "bother" you with the information. I agree with Audrey: try to get some counseling! <P>If your H is a conflict avoider (like my H), it is CRITICAL that he understand that avoiding is the disease/dysfunction that got him in this mess to begin with!! Recovery= better communication, complete honesty, and each asking to get his/her needs met, with a Policy of Joint Agreement (don't do ANYthing until you are BOTH in genuine agreement!). <P>Four, I'm SOOOO sorry that you are faced with this pain and have the XOW throwing your infertility/her fertility in your face as well! Sickening. My heart goes WAAAAAAY out to you when I read that. My H and I have been through 4 pregnancy losses, including one baby who died at birth. <P>After our third loss, the XOW, a "friend", came to me with books about surrogate mothers and tearfully volunteered to do that for H and I, telling me how very much she loved us. Here I am, thinking how giving/loving she is, when little did I know, they had already been having an affair for several months!!! How SICK is that?! When I told my H, he said "I don't want to have childrn with[OW]. I want our children to be of our marriage." XOW got pregnant about 3-4 months later, and didn't tell us for 6 months. By that time I was equally pregnant with a child that lived.<BR> <BR>When she told H, he apparently told her he'd give up anything, his career, marriage, etc., to have contact with OC. But that was his Conflict Avoider talking, because he didn't define "contact". It meant something different to him than it did to her, and he wasn't going to enlighten her, because that would mean a fight! Later, he told me he'd give up all contact with OC if I wanted, to avoid conflict with me! Do you see it's a disease? This is a man with ordinarily VERY strong values, major family man, leader in his career, but he won't stand up to the woman he loves! This is what caused the affair--he was angry at me and couldn't ask to get his needs met. NOW he knows better, and our marriage is SOO much healthier!!<P>So, I'm saying Please get help. It really doesn't matter what you decide about contact with OC, so long at you BOTH GENUINELY AGREE, and keep the XOW out of your lives!<P>I'm sorry this is so long but I hope it's worth hearing. <P>(PS H and I are considering adoption. So glad you have your girls )

In July your girls will be out of school and you can plan some really fun family activities that will help to distract you. Perhaps if work schedules and finances allow it, you can find yourselves out of town during the 'blessed event'...with no forwarding #. I daresay TOW won't gloat so much if your H is not around to moon after her and the baby.

Thanks, guys. Your replies have helped me more than you can know. <P>Audrey - You are right...it is very much one day at a time. I'm still amazed at how much my moods vary from day to day. I've never been like this AND I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL! Trying to work through it day by day...<P>H went to a couple of counseling sessions with me at the very beginning. Of course, he was still in contact with her at the time (I believed that it was over), so those few times he did go don't count much in my book! I decided to continue on my own...it's been a big help. I think it would do him a lot of good to talk to someone, but that has to be his choice. <P>Catnip - I just recently brought up the subject of adopting the baby. I had done a lot of soul searching and decided that it was something I could do. From past conversations, I had the impression from my H that he would like to do the same if it was a possibility. WRONG! First, there is probably no way the OW would let this happen. But I thought it would be a good idea to at least let her know it was an option. What it comes down to is that if an adoption could happen, H doesn't want the "reminder" around and doesn't want another child. Should have thought about that in the first place! Hmmm.. maybe I'm not over my anger after all <P>Good idea...calling the hospital. I can guess which one she will probably be at. OW is out-of-state, thank goodness. That also makes it a little easier. I guess I'm just expecting this surprise phone call...I need to prepare myself!<P>Jenny - We need to talk more about this "conflict-avoider" thing. Your H sounds very much like mine. Pretty much what my counselor has said about him too, from what I've told her. She classifies him also as a "peacemaker". AND we have played the role of mother/child for most of our marriage. What a mess. I'm definitely realizing a lot of things about myself...one of them is that I can't make my H change or force him into choices. I would love for him to look deep inside and really work on himself, but that's his decision. I can't be his "mom" anymore. <P>Along those lines...we had talked earlier on about contacting an attorney for more info on child support, etc. H said he was going to do this. It has not been done. I've done a little bit of research on the Internet for my own security. I could be his "mom" and find out everything for him, but again...this is H's responsibility and something he needs to do, although I would be glad to help if he asked/wanted it. The few times the subject has been discussed, I've started the conversation because NOTHING was being said. It drives me crazy!<P>Polly - I wish we could take a vacation for the whole month of July! I would love to be somewhere else and miss that dreaded phone call. Our respective jobs will not let us do that...so I'm going to try to focus on being positive and continue counseling to get myself through this Also, this group is a godsend. Knowing that I can come here and voice my concerns to others that have been through the same thing relieves some of the "I have to do it all by myself" feeling!<P>

Andi, Jenny,<BR>My H is also a big conflict avoider. I am too, but to a lesser degree. So, now you know what went wrong in our marriage! Neither of us talked to each other about our needs. Andi, I feel like you do in regards to letting your H stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions. My H and I have also played the mother/child role. I'm not doing that anymore. It doesn't work. I, too, feel that I have to initiate discussions over anything that might cause uneasy feelings or create conflict. I did like you, Andi, in regards to the paternity test. I researched it on my own but refused to give him all the info. I felt that that was something he needed to do. He eventually did but not without gently prodding him a few times. I look forward to the day when my H and I are far enough along that we can discuss things more easily. <P>As far as counseling goes, Andi, my H did go to counseling with me from the beginning. I know that he didn't want to be there (neither did I really) but we knew we needed help to get our marriage back on track. The counselor eventually got us involved in group therapy (we are in different groups) and that is where we are today. Again, my H REALLY didn't like the idea of group therapy, but it has helped him tremendously. I am saying this to you because I feel that you should strongly encourage your H to get back into counseling. You can't force him but you can influence him. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

well I have not been posting and have just dicovered this new site so some of you may remember me. The OW gave birth Dec. 23,99 and merry christmas to me. We did get the phone call at 1230am for a ride to the hospital even though we had been told it was taken care of. My husband and I both went and I made him make a choice that night. Stay with her and it was over for us or drop her off and then return when the child was born. H chose to drop her off and honor me. My reason for that was that I was not going to sit around while he supported her and I have to say I hoped for a long and painful labor for her and it was 17hrs a little pain goes along way.<BR>Be aware that what the ow says now may not be the truth. I would get all of your ducks in a row legally about the child support and if nothing else start an account on the chance that the OW suddenly wants child support. My H and I are getting to go through the whole court mess as the OW wants both child support and for my H to pay all child care related expenses. And just to add to my nightmare she lives all of three miles form my house oh joy.<BR>Just be aware and stay in therapy. I have not gone yet as I have not found anyone I care to open up to. Good luck!<BR>pw