My H and I have had a rocky weekend - due in part to my PMS and partly because he will not take a "stand" on how he's going to handle our situation. He is such a waffler - well he asked me to go to lunch today - which we seldom do anymore - and then he asks me whats bothering me and then I tell him "that I feel like I'm in a constant state of limbo- that I want/need honesty and that I gave him a list of my needs and he's basically ignored them and that I don't know what to do now?" He said - that list doesn't mean crap - I'm not going to do anything on that list - it's freakin' ridiculous - you think that since I've had an affair I should be freakin' jumpin' through hoops forever - well trust me it ain't gonna happen!" It's over and it should just be put away. If you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen. Of course I started crying. He then says "I hate it when you cry when you don't get your way! It makes me so mad!" I said, I don't cry when I don't get my way- I'm crying that you won't even try with me - not even willing to say okay - I think X is stupid - but we'll do it and see what happens. He said well - "you stupid B*&$^#@ I'm not trying nothing - and get off my truck!" And then he just pulls off. Why are they so terribly terribly mean to us - I swear I don't even know this man I'm married to that is suppossed to be my husband.<P>He's lowered my self-esteem to an all-time low; runs to a 19 yr. old bimbo to get his needs met - yet he won't do #1 on my list which is to "put Ms. 19 yr old bimbo in her place as far as boundaries are concerned - concerning the OC and me/him" My H says to that "that's stupid - you're just wanting me to say something ugly to her so you'll have 1 up on her!" Can you imagine - that-- - he can talk the way he does to me - but no - now we wouldn't want to say anything ugly to OW (suppossedly X) who knows? Guys my guts are killing me - what is wrong with me - what am I sticking around for?<P>------------------<BR>

Oh Honey, honey. I am so sorry he treated you like that. He has no respect. Shame on him. Boy, I'd like to get alone with him in a room for 10 minutes.<P>DCD: Now is the time to find within yourself some source of strength. Somehow you must push aside his terrible treatment of you and not allow him to corrode your sense of self, your power within. <P>I don't understand why he would place you and the OW on the same playing field by inferring that you just want to get "one up" on her. How ridiculous. And insensitive.<P>Please consider Plan B, DCD, or get into some support group. You've gone on like this for so long now, I am really concerned.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

DD,<BR>I agree with catnip: I'm really concerned about you! I hope you can find your dignity and self-esteem and pull out of this situation. Your H is emotionally abusing you! This would kill anyone's spirit.<P>Two quotes: "no one can abuse you without your consent"; "are you better off with him or without him?" (Ann Landers)<P>Keep in touch,<BR>Jenny

Men do seem to get tired of being in an awkward position, and hate to be reminded of their stupidity. Maybe he's just lashing out because of resentment of being the 'bad' one in the marriage, maybe something else is causing him to behave badly. One thing, you don't deserve to be treated in this way. You've taken a lifetime's worth of garbage from him already, with the OC/OW and all. I agree with the rest of the ladies, you must salvage the remainder of your strength and self-esteem by first insisting that he behaves in a respectful manner to you. As long as he thinks that he is entitled to curse you to your face, you will not be able to move forward.

DD,<BR>I am really concerned about you as well. Your H is not doing the work he needs to do in order to make your marriage healthy. You both need to get some counseling. I think that it is time that you think about yourself. You need to nurture yourself and do some things that make YOU happy. We care about you very much, Daycare. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Thanks guys - I actually have an appt. tomorrow with a counselor - and even if my H won't go (he thinks it is a waste of $$ and that it's a bunch of crap) typical male answer - - but I'm going for me - my H has a lot of issues himself - but I can't fix him - I have to fix me. Thanks guys - I can always count on you - if no one else.<P>------------------<BR>

DD, You sound much better today. I'm glad to hear that you have a counseling appointment. You're right, you can only fix you and I'm glad that you are moving in that direction.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Audrey

DD,<BR>Good job, good job!! Go girl go!

You guys are nuts! Ha - I'm actually smiling today - I had a moment today when I didn't believe my H was where he "said" he was - I just start getting so nervous - and I'm just 'consumed' with finding out if he's there! I guess I really need to go to my appointment. Thanks guys for listening to my rantings.<P>------------------<BR>

DD:<P>Aaaaah. A positive first step in YOUR recovery. I am proud of you, DD. I know it wasn't easy to do this, but, do it you must. And you know it's time.<P>Rant away here and to your therapist, that's what we are here for and what your therapist gets paid for. And it will be money well spent.<P>When you start to recover and start regaining your sense of self, you'll be so damn adorable to your spouse with all your self-confidence and cavalier attitude, he'll wonder what you are up to.<P>Then, maybe you get to call some of the shots for a change.<P>I'll be storming the heavens for you.<P>Catnip =^^=

You all are so wonderful - I hate it that we're here but yet I feel real sisterhood with you all. I hate to whine and moan and complain but I know that I would gladly listen to you all because I TRULY KNOW THE HURT that is involved and unique to our situation(s). I wanted to cancel my appt. yesterday because yesterday I was feeling pretty good- but I'm not going today - I don't feel as "up" today and I feel very insecure at the moment, so I'm going NO MATTER WHAT. I'll keep you all posted - my adoptive family! Lots of love.<P>------------------<BR>