Well, I'm on the other side of most of these comments. I'm the one that's married, had an affair, got pregnant w/OM child. I have a wonderful baby (as well as 2 others w/husband) that looks just like his biological father, the OM. I love my husband, and somehow we've managed to work through this. I just sometimes get the urge to contact the XOM. I know I sound like any idiot, but there's a lot to the story. I just don't know how to get over him. Can anyone out there help?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by momma:<BR><B>I just sometimes get the urge to contact the XOM. I know I sound like any idiot, but there's a lot to the story. I just don't know how to get over him. Can anyone out there help?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, you do sound like an idiot to risk all you've accomplished and put back together, but let's hear the rest of the story. Why are you so compelled to reach out to this man? What do you think he will do for you that you or your husband can't? What sort of involvement has this man had in your lives since he's known about the pregnancy? Are you willing to tear apart your FAMILY to satisfy this urge of yours?<P>With all due respect, it sounds like you could use the help of an unbiased professional. Don't talk to some other man about your feelings. Dont' create triangles, leaving your H unsupported and unable to defend himself. Please talk to a counselor and find out what is behind all this. It's a lot easier to never contact him than to stop once you've done it.

My husband and I both made some bad choices early in our marriage. Actually, he started it, and I was oblivious. Once I found out he'd cheated, I ended up doing the same, but not intentionally. I got attention from another man, a man much older than me, and one thing led to another & I ended up pregant. My husband forgave me and wanted to move on, so I ended it. Then later after the baby was born, I ended up contacting OM. Why, I don't know. But everything started again. It's been on & off for over a year. HOWEVER, I decided a couple months ago that my husband and children were the most important thing in the world to me. So, for me, the relationship w/OM is over for good. The problem I have is at times I miss him and want to see him/talk to him, etc. I don't know why I do this, but I'm not acting on it because I know what I have to lose. Yes, I probably do need to see a professional, but when I decide to by that time I think I'm doing fine. I know this may sound crazy. I think it's also even harder to understand if you've never been through it. I appreciate your thoughts and reply. I'm also looking for others that may have had this kind of experience. I also know that I'm on the right track, I just need some help staying on that track.<P>

momma,<BR>Go right now to Dr. H's main page, find his questionnaires on Emotional Needs and Lovebusters, save or print those questionnaires, and do them with your H. IE find out what your top 5 needs are and ask your H to meet them. Find out your H's top 5 and do all you can to meet his. If the two of you cannot meet each other's after Truly Trying over a couple years' time, then divorce him and live however you want.<P>But whatever you do, do not continue to BETRAY your H's trust in the recovery you've worked on. Contact with the XOM is a LOVEBUSTER!!<P>Welcome!

It seems as if all the desire and curiosity is on your part. It also seems as if all contact with the XOM is initiated by you. Why then would you risk your marriage on someone who seemingly wants so little to do with you? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Momma,<BR>I'm glad that you have come here for help and that you realize that contacting the XOM causes devastating results. There are a couple of H's here who are raising their W's child from an affair (K, Paul). I'm sure that they will give you some good advice. Jenny is right on. You and your H need to begin meeting each other's needs right away. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

momma:<P>I'd strongly encourage you to give the phone counseling at MarriageBuilder's a shot---Steve Harley is a terrific counselor and coach, and he could help you get through this (888-639-1639).<P>In essence, you're still in withdrawal from the OM. It's only been a couple months, and this is pretty normal. What's also very true is each and every time you contact him, you set your withdrawal clock back to zero.<P>You need to learn to talk with your husband instead. You've got to share these feelings with him. Complete honesty is one of Harley's "Four Rules" for a successful marriage, and it's a very important one for you to focus on right now. Meeting each other's emotional needs (and avoiding lovebusting) are also important. I'd really do suggest that you try the counseling here---it's a pretty small investment in a happy marriage.

I would like to thank all of you so much for your help and encouragement. And thank you for not bashing me, as I can imagine what you think of someone like me. I'm crying as I type for many reasons. I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to condone my actions. Just thanks for being here. <BR>K, I agree with you about the withdrawal. I've previously read some of Dr. Harley's comments, and I definitely related to the withdrawal. Maybe that's something I do need professional help with, because right now I'm at a point where I know who I truly want to be with. I think I did love the OM and having his child really made an impact on me, on the same hand, I KNOW I don't want to spend my life with him. I want to be with my husband and absolutely don't want my kids do be in a broken family. And this is what has finally made me realize I need to wake up. I think my problem right now is going through the withdrawal, and just when I think I'm okay, I'm not. And those set backs like seeing him on the road or him calling me (even when I tell him not to) can really mess me up. We live in the same town, so it's inevitable that we may cross paths occassionally, but not often. I just wonder how long it will take me to get over the withdrawal and when will it get easier? My H and I have a wonderful relationship now, but this is the only topic we can't discuss. He HATES the OM and wouldn't understand how I could have any thoughts or feelings towards him (and I don't blame him). K, I know you said I need to be honest with my H about this part, but it would devistate him, and I am so tired of hurting him. I want it to be done and over with, can I manage it without involving H? Again, thank you all, and please offer any comments/suggestions that you have. I'm going to make it through this time!!!!!

momma,<BR>I know withdrawl is a topic often covered at the general topics board. I hope you find that helpful <P>Is there any way your family can move to a new location? It seems like that might help ALL of you. I thank God that I no longer have to run into the XOW regularly!

I WAS ALSO THE ONE THAT HAD THE AFFAIR AND WE ARE WORKING ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I THINK EVERYTHING IS OK, AND THEN BEFORE I KNOW IT, MY HUSBAND IS BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED. WELL JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, WE FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT AND HE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT, BUT THEN HE STILL THINKS THAT IT IS THE OM. I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT IT IS MY H BABY. MY AFFAIR ENDED MONTHS BEFORE I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT. THERE IS ANOTHER REASON I KNOW THE BABY IS MY H IS BECAUSE ME AND THE OM NEVER HAD SEX. WE MESSED AROUND BUT THAT WAS IT. MY H HAS THIS IDEA THAT YOU CAN GET PREGNANT THROUGH THE MOUTH, ME MYSELF DONT BELIEVE THAT. I NEED SOME ADVISE THAT I CAN DO TO HELP EASE HIS MIND ABOUT THIS THING. WAYS I CAN MAKE HIM FORGET ABOUT IT. I KNOW HE WONT FORGET ABOUT COMPLETELY BUT JUST ENOUGH THAT WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR LIVES AND MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by momma:<BR><B>I would like to thank all of you so much for your help and encouragement. And thank you for not bashing me, as I can imagine what you think of someone like me. ... My H and I have a wonderful relationship now, but this is the only topic we can't discuss. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is hard for betrayeds to have sympathy for betrayers when they have hurt us so, but I think we all want healing, not just for ourselves, but for everyone in our situation who is willing to help themselves. I don't think anyone would bash you for wanting to learn from your situation and keep your family together. We learn from you too! So thanks for sharing. Hearing the other side has really been eye opening for me.<P>I think that talking about what happened and how you are feeling is something that can bring you closer together. Are you in counseling? Maybe this is something you could talk about during a session so that it doesn't get out of control and so that the counselor can bring things back to a manageable level before you leave the session? I think not being able to talk about stuff is what leads to secrets and insecurity. I can understand his not wanting to talk about it, but eventually if he knows you trust him with your inner most thoughts, he will feel MORE secure about them because he will never have to guess or be surprised by them. <P>(sigh) I only WISH my H would tell me how he feels about all of this. Not only would I feel he is trusting me again, but I'd be better able to combat it!

Momma:<P>I agree with popeye on this---you do need to be honest. Right now you're "protective lying"---lying to protect your husband's feelings. The motivation (not hurting your husband) is good, but it's causing harm. Your husband must know how you feel---otherwise, he's powerless (and clueless) to do anything about it.<P>I'd recommend the counseling, because a good counselor will help your husband deal with this "honesty". In a way that builds love with you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I think I did love the OM and having his child really made an impact on me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>After my wife ended her affair (in the first trimester of her pregnancy), she cried on my shoulder and told me that it hurt so to be away from the one she loves (OM) and not to be sharing the beautiful experience of having this child with him...<P>Did that make me feel great?? Of course not. But it gave me an OPPORTUNITY to build love with my wife. By validating her feelings of loss, by trying to reassure her that I was dedicated to her happiness in the marriage, and by listening to her calmly---I made deposits in her "lovebank".<P>A helpful part of this was that I had done extensive counseling with Steve Harley. I knew that my wife's feelings of love for the OM were temporary and conditional---just like those feeling of love that she had for me when we were married. I knew that if we got through the "process" of surviving an affair (no contact, through withdrawal, learning the skills and practicing the "four rules"), the love for this man would diminish, and her love for me would be restored.<P>And it has (or at least most of it). Romantic love can be broken down to a series of "processes" and steps. Behaviors. It's a very unromantic view of such a wonderful force---but if you get over that aspect and work on the steps, you can recover your marriage. <P>And one of those steps is "Complete Honesty". Giving it, as well as receiving it. I'd really suggest that you give the counseling here a try, and work towards these goals with your husband.<P>And I'm going to suggest that you think about moving out of this town. Harley often recommends moving as an "extraordiary precaution" for getting through an affair---the fact that there is a child involved would seem to be to be an additional consideration.

Razzha,<BR>Please use lower case letters; all caps is "yelling"! I think you deserve your own thread for your problem. Any of the after-affair recovery techniques-counseling, meeting needs, no contact, joint agreement and honest, etc. can help you. In your case I'd also offer to have a DNA test done after the baby is born so that your H can know for SURE that it IS his baby. Welcome to the board.<P>Momma, K is so wise

Momma, K is so wise [/B][/QUOTE]<P>You are so right!! Thank you, all, for your help. K, you're amazing, and you're wife is so lucky! Your point of view is especially helpful for me to understanding my husband. And I am also very luck for the wonderful husband I have. You all are right about the honesty, and that's something I'm working on. At this time it's really not possible to move, but we have considered that. This is a long, bumpy road, but it can be managed. Thank you guys so much!! <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Razzha:<BR>I NEED SOME ADVISE THAT I CAN DO TO HELP EASE HIS MIND ABOUT THIS THING. WAYS I CAN MAKE HIM FORGET ABOUT IT. I KNOW HE WONT FORGET ABOUT COMPLETELY BUT JUST ENOUGH THAT WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR LIVES AND MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Razzha,<BR>I'm not one to give much advice, but since I've been going through something similar, I thought I'd try. It took my husband a LONG time to get past the hurt and anger. He still hates the OM and probably always will. While I was pregnant, he had a tough time, not knowing if the child was his or not. It seemed one day he'd be okay and the next he'd be quiet and angry or be trying to push me away. He's made so much progress and I don't know exactly what it was that helped him. He fought for our marriage, more than once, and that says everything. I'm more than lucky that I still have him, I'm very blessed. However, we still have some "flashbacks" to deal with if we cross paths w/OM. He's still ocassionally insecure, but I try my hardest to reassure him. I would say, all in all, the pregnancy time was the most difficult. For you, I think once you have this child and prove it's your H's, then everything will work out for itself. Let your H know that you are positive about him being the father and constantly reassure him how much you care for him, even if it seems excessive. My husband never gets tired of me telling him how much I love and care for him. Hang in there, and feel free to ask me anything.<P>