I think there's a BIG difference between being a "Father" to a child that you planned, waited for and loved from day 1 and being an unconsulted sperm donor in the OW's manipulative quest for a relationship! My H and I do not have any contact with OC because my H does not want to be invloved and I don't want my H have any in-person contact with OW. If they need to talk about medical insurance, etc., my H has instructed OW to call him at work, not at home. I know some people (esp. my in-laws) believe that my H and OW should be "co-parenting" OC, and OW/OC should be included as part of the family. Yes, OC is innocent and a victim of the situation. But the MAIN problem with OC is that involvement with him includes OW. If she were not in the picture, I'm sure I would feel differently about OC. I really admire folks here that have incorporated OC into their lives. I've noticed that most of you already have children with your H. I think that may make it easier. Has anyone here without children been able to accept and include OC in family? Thanks for listening. -- D.

DSR,<BR>"Destroyed" is a lady who used to post here. She and her H had no kids together, and she was eventually able to visit with the OC and thought he was a sweet boy who looked much like her H. However, because of the dysfunctional manipulations of the XOW and the overinvolvement of her in-laws, her H chose to stop seeing the child, (whom he had already given up all legal rights/responsibilities to). That was the last I heard from her.<P>I think the bottom line is children of adultery are a much more complicated issue than children of a divorce and should not be compared as such. <BR>

As a man who's raising an OC from my wife's affair---I'd say I have it much easier. No involvement at all from OM (at least yet). And I get the joy of the "full-time" parenting. So for me (and I'd probably speak for Paul too), it's not as tough a situation.<P>If you were to try to incorporate the OC into your life, you and your husband would need to be "experts" in the POJA---and completely and enthusiastically agree to how this involvement would be structured, and what responses would be necessary if the OW crossed the line concerning that structure. I would guess that if you were involved so that your husband and the OW had NO CONTACT (no phone, no visits, nothing...), then this would make your life easier.<P>It's usually not the OC that's the issue. It's the OP who's the threat. And it's a very real threat, so I wouldn't recommend involving an OC into your life until the marriage was healed and you had learned the rules necessary to protect the marriage.

Jenny & K -- Thanks for your comments. You're right, it's not the OC that's the issue, it's the OP. -- D.