After responding on Jenny's thread, I started to think about what I had said about that the OW's OC should be mine.<P>For twenty years I have longed for a child of our own, but it was never meant to be. <P>Fidelity was so important to both my husband and myself for 18 years, that it never occurred to me that anything like this could or ever would happen to us--ever. It was impossible. Simply impossible. He had so much integrity and was so proud of our fidelity. <BR>If I would have been told any time over our 18 years together that someday my husband would betray me I would have laughed out loud and said "that is the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever heard! We are totally committed to each other."<P>And, if someone would have told me, a gypsy fortune teller or prophet, that my beloved husband would get someone pregnant and have a child with someone else while he was married to me, I would have said, "Then you don't know us very well nor do you have any idea of what kind of marriage we have. He could never betray me after all we have been to each other".<P>Until the day I die, I will never understand how he could do what he did under any circumstances--drunk, sober, bipolar, I just will never get it. I know I met all his needs on every level throughout our entire marriage. He himself cannot think of one thing he needed that I did not provide. Maybe it was too one sided, I don't know. Maybe I did too much.<P>Because of the way we were with each other and because of our closeness, it was always a source of pain for us, especially for me, that we could not have a child of our own. Since we were not able to have our own child, I placed a great importance on our fidelity. I saw our fidelity as the 'consolation' prize for not being able to have our own child. Now I don't even have that anymore.<P>The OC is almost ten months old. I think about this kid probably more than my husband does. I wonder what she looks like--I saw a glimpse of her at the court house in NY but I didn't get a good look. I wonder what she's like. I hope she is happy. The OW has a big family and lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and the OW doesn't work and is probably a pretty good mother. I am sure the kid is happy, but, I wish she were mine.<P>Does anyone else feel this pull?<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 04, 2000).]

Yes, Catnip, I felt the same. Maybe even the feeling was "robbed". That should have been my child. Even though we had 4 children of our own, and I was pregnant with the 5th when I learned of his affir, I felt that child should still have been mine. I had 2 miscarriges between my 3rd and 4th children. I had always wondered what they would have been. One I always stop a minute on what would have been "his" birthdate.<BR> Regardless, I could almost have written your post as far as feelings for marriage and spouse. This child should have been mine, and I would have gladly taken her and made her mine if I had been given the chance. that comes back to my belief that the OW who becoms pregnant is only serving herself. She truly does not care for her child or the man she claimed to love more than life itself. Well that's my feeling on the subject. TG

Catnip,<P>I wanted to tell you how sorry I feel that you have to live with yet another aspect of this situation. I do not understand how you feel but my heart goes out to you. I know that having the OC and my own daughter so close in age is another odd aspect that I deal with. Just like you have to deal with her gaining a child which should have been yours, I deal with not being the only monther to my h's children. But yours goes much deeper. You are in my prayers. I hope with time you can once again value your "fidelity". I know that I too hope. <P>babstr.

catnip,<BR>I'm so sorry you have this problem. One person should not have to put up with so many painful episodes in the same lifetime, but many do. It seems so terribly unfair.<P>I can relate to so much of what you said. I have had times when I coveted the XOW's child, because I have felt like she should have been ours. I also believe in all honesty we're better parents than the XOW.<P>But on better days I accept what we have been given, as I know it is wrong to covet what isn't mine. Spiritually, my H and I have learned so much that might never have gotten better. His conflict-avoiding is out of the closet into the light of day, where we actively work on it. We share our needs, problems and feelings on a whole new level! We have a relationship with God together now, whereas before, my H had none. I've learned to stop fantasizing about who I'm relating to in all my relationships (spouse, parents, friends), trying to see them as they really are. <P>There are many, many spiritual lessons the XOW can learn from this if she choses to. The OC may have accepted this unfortunate earthly mission in the spiritual realm (if you believe spirits exist before birth), for all our mutual growth. Who knows what OC will learn or if she's part of some karmic debt. We can only do our best and pray that good comes out of bad, surrendering to a higher power if you have that ability. <P>In hopes that does not offend anyone religiously,<BR>Jenny

Catnip, do you like to read? Because life imitates art, or art imitates life, I can't remember which, I often find solace from literature. I once read a novel by Toni Morrison, JAZZ, in which the childless main character forms a curious obsession with a young girl that her husband of many years loved. I know this is not your situation at all...you think about the OC, and the character thought about an OW young enough to be her daughter...but there are many interesting parallels. <P>I'm sorry that you have to deal with these feelings in addition to ther rest of the turmoil. You're in my prayers. <P>Polly<P>

From what I've seen, you are a gem among gems. I am sorry that this hurts you so. <p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

Thank you all for your kind words of empathy. I guess I am in a melancoly mood and find me longing for the impossible. In reality I am too old now anyway. I have a granddaughter that is older than the OC for crying out loud.<P>I just have this thing going on with me these past couple days. It will pass. I am glad I can come here and let it go. <BR>I have come to appreciate each and every one of you so much. Sometimes I wish we could rent a place for the weekend and spend some time being together. A retreat of sorts. So healing. That would be wonderful.<P>My God. What is wrong with me today? <P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>You are just having a down moment, which is allowed. I agree I wish we could have a big convention. Gee what would we call it? We could all sit around, cry, laugh, and at times not think at all about our situations. Don't worry you are just having a down time. You are the one who always encourages us, so you can lean on us for a little while.<P>babstr.

Catnip: I can identify completely with your position, as my H and I also do not have any children. My H was married previously, but never had children. This is my first (and hopefully, only) marriage. I felt comfortable getting involved with a divorced man because at least he didn't have children and therefore would have no contact with previous wife. [Note: he had been divorced for a number of years before I met him, so I am NOT the OW!] <P>My H told me that I was the only person he ever considered having children with, which put our relationship on a different level than his previous relationships. I have ALWAYS wanted children and never considered not having them. We didn't want to start a family until we bought a house and could comfortably provide for them. My husband started a new job in August of 1996 and we closed on our home in September. In Feb. '97, the OW called me to tell me about the affair and that she was pregnant with his child. I was devastated! <P>It is so difficult to want a child with your husband and to have someone ELSE give birth to the child that should have been yours. We even bought this house with the idea that the small bedroom next to ours would be the nursery. I can feel your pain and I share it with you. <P>Four years have gone by since we first looked at our house and started the process of buying it -- and planning our family. Now, it all seems like a dream that will never come true. In the years since "the bomb" was dropped on me, I didn't think it was right to have a baby since I wasn't sure our marriage was going to make it. Now, I'm fast approaching 40 (another depressing thought!) and wondering if it's too late.

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

Catnip,<BR>Even though my H and I have 3 wonderful children together, it was still very painful for me to accept that I would never be the ONLY mother to my H's children. I can imagine that your pain would be a hundred-fold harder to deal with. You have my deepest sympathies.<P>Beerman2,<BR>Welcome to this board. There are a lot of wonderful people here who can provide good support. I understand the pain of the OC's birth being close to your own b-day. Our OC was born only 1 day after my own. What a special b-day present - NOT. Take care of yourself and continue to post.<P>Audrey

Hi Audrey! It's so good to hear from you. You and I share our OC's August birthdays coming up. I can't believe they'll be a year old already. (sigh) I guess the OW named the little girl Loretta. Kind of a old lady's moniker. Perhaps she'll call her "Lori". I hope so.<P>Beerman! Welsome and thank you for responding to my thread. <BR>We have a couple guys here that have been in your situation and post here regularly, Paul Moyers and K. They are successfully raising the OC as their own and will be able to give you insight and advice that will make sense to you. Blessings.

My heart just goes out to all of you who have to deal with an OC.<P>I'm very lucky that my H's fling with the STD Tramp didn't create a child....which it could have done, since I was infected with her STD. I do know that I would have gone berserk if there had been an OC...because within the previous five years, I had given birth to two stillborn daughters and had 3 of my 6 miscarriages. The pain of another woman having the child I had gone through hell trying to have would have been unbearable for me.<BR>