I am new to this board and I am so happy to have found it. I was on another board and it helped me to a certanin point. However, the problem that I am facing most of them are not facing. We here seem to have the same outcome in common. Our H fathered another child. I am having a hard time dealing with that fact, much less dealing w/ the fact that he just cheated on me. One is enough! I want my marriage to work and my H says that he wants me and our 2 children together. He does not want any relationship w/ OC or OW. I can honestly say that is a wise decision on his part, because I know I could not even imagine staying w/ him if he did. I still don't know if I can. I love my H dearly and our children do too. Sometimes when we are having a "good" time I get so upset and mad w/ him for ruining our lives for being so stupid and and inconsiderate. We are going to counseling together which seems to be going OK.<BR>For those of you have been going through this for some time, how have you made it work or have you made it work or are you still working on it? I am sad to find that there are so many of us that are going through OC from affairs. It sickens me. <BR>My biggest question that I have on a daily basis is Can this work? and What's wrong w/ me for wanting this to work? Am I crazy?!<P>------------------<BR>Fedupinfl

Welcome to the board No, you're not crazy. You are asking what we all ask sometimes, esp. in the beginning. It's been nearly two years for me and I can honestly say I feel joy in my heart as I write this because I know and my H knows that we're doing the right thing. We will always live with the embarrassment and difficult moral deliemmas this caused. But No one else is going to live our lives for us and know what joy and support we feel in our marriage now, which we would not have had nor shared with our children if I'd left him over this. <P>fedup, when your H has honest remorse and you as a couple follow the guidelines for healing, you'll know it in your heart, too. <P>Feeling optimistic today,<BR>Jenny

Jenny, Thanks for such a prompt and heart felt response. I hope that I too will be where you and your husband are right now. I believe that my H is truely remorseful for what he has done because he knows what he almost and still could lose. I do want our marriage and our family to work out. <P>Thank you again Jenny!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Fedupinfl

Welcome fedupinfl,<P>Glad you found your way here. I too started at two different sites, but like you said when you have this "extra" problem it seems to over shadow the actual betrayal. I personally feel much better being here and being able to share the same problems. Please share a little more about your story if you feel. How long have you known? Is the OC close to your home? Do you have support issues settled? <P>I will give you a little info on myself. I found out Feb9 this year, so only a few months. The OC is already two, I have a daughter who is two also. They were born four months apart, so that didn't help. My H also has no contact and never wants contact. We are presently in conflict with the system over how much we have to pay for child support. The OW just now decided that she wants money. She has done this before with her first born. She is a professional at working the system. The OW and OC live in the same town, and the OW works on the same base as my H. We are also trying to try to move, one to get away and heal. And two because with the amount of child support that the law is asking us to pay, we will not be able to pay our bills. <P>I too am exactly where you are. We are working on it. My H is very remorseful and is doing everything he can to work on our family. I also feel like you that if there was contact with the OC I could not move on and survive. <P>Well I guess this turned out to be a little longer than I thought. But I also know how it feels to be new, and it helps to get some background on who you are talking to. Everyone here is great. You can vent, tell us your true feelings, and your future joys. There are a lot of spouses like Jenny who are years into this. It gives me hope to hear how she is doing along with others. You are not crazy, all of your feelings are justified. I just want you to know that I am here for you like many others here. Once again welcome to our little club. You now have a safe zone. <P>babstr.

Dear fedupinfl:<P>I always hate to say "welcome" because the reasons why we gather here are so heartbreaking. But, there is nowhere else on the planet that is as safe and comforting than here on this forum.<P>I am so sorry you are here but delighted to have you part of our group. <BR>All our stories are so similar and yet so many different lifestyles. <P>Our issues are significantly more devastating than our spouses having an affair, which is soul scarring enough, but add the horror of having your spouse have a child with someone else while they are married to you is a pain that is incomparable. <P>This is the safest harbor you'll find. It's like concentrated therapy 24/7, whenever you need it. It truly is a blessing. I don't beleive I ever could have made it this far without it.<P>Let us know how we can help.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 05, 2000).]

Babstr, Well, here is my story: Back in October my H told me that he had a one night stand w/ a 24 yr.old slut, he is 35. And he told met that she was pregnant. I told him to try and get her to have an abortion and he tried but she refused saying that she does not believe in that sort of thing. I had our second child in July 99 she is now 10 months old and the OC should've been born sometime in May. She has not called to say anything, maybe because we changed our number. You see the whole entire problem came back up when my H tried to get her to have an abortion and according to him at that time she did. Well, April comes along and he come home saying that someone saw her and said that she looked pregnant. I don't believe that at all. I think that he knew the whole entire time. He just did not want to lose me I guess. We are also trying to move to another state. I think that will help us to heal our torn up marriage. I pray daily that this job come through for him in NC so we can leave ASAP. The OW/OC was living about 45 mins away, I am not sure exactly where she is now. Well, that is about all. It's 10:00 and I have been up w/ baby since 6:00 am. My 6yr. old just went to bed. He and H have been making paper airplanes. He is really a good father to our children. That's another reason why I want this to work out. My son would miss out on so much if we were not together. He deserves his father. <P>Good Night!<BR>Fedupinfl<BR>aka<BR>Stefanie

Fedup,<BR>I also have a 1yo baby, a 7yo son, and an (otherwise) good H... I'm hearin' ya, hearin' ya!<P>One very serious concern- I suggest you look into the legal ramifacations of child support. It isn't that hard nowadays for XOW to find your H even years later and if Florida is a state where the XOW is allowed to sue for back childsupport...OW! Sometimes it's better to pay a suggested amount than get hit with a lump sum.<BR>I'm saying you need to protect yourself legally. Your H is financially liable once paternity is established, whether XOW put H on the birth certificate or not, pursues him now, later, or never. I would also want to know if the wife's income is included in the suggested percentage of child support (a concept I find RIDICULOUS but occurring in some states). <P>Congradulations on your hard work at repairing your marriage!! Hang in there!

My H incident was also a one night stand. I would have never known about this incident or child if the OW hadn't gone for child support. Granted there is part of me that would have liked to have never known. I am glad that you are working so hard on your marriage and keeping your family together. I feel that my daughter would really miss out on her daddy also, she is just now getting interested in him. I hope you were able to get some rest. <P>Do take Jenny up on her advice about legal counsel. The OW in my situation waited two years, and now she could also get the back pay. Most states require at least 20% take home. And she can decide any time between now and 18 years if she wants. The law really has no mercy for the fathers. I had two lawyers tell me that the OW could have six kids with different fathers and just live off the child support, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. <P>babstr.

Hey there Fedupinfl. I've written to you a couple of times on the other board. It's great that we can post here to those in our unique situtations. <P>It would be in your best interest to look into legal matters as the ladies mentioned. I know someone who was just handed papers for a child born 12 years ago! The court wants it all, plus weekly support payments for the next 9 years. Having gone through this with my H, I have to concur that the state has no mercy, and little regard for the expenses of your family when calculating the payments for TOC. If your H is like mine and pretends that this will just go away, he is setting you up for a big hit down the line. TOW or the court can track you down so fast when it's time to get the money, your head will spin. If you can, put aside a portion everyweek until the time comes. If she never comes, (unlikely) you'll have a huge wad of fun money! Take care.

Thanks to Jenny, Catnip, Babstr, and Polly:<BR>Thanks for all of your advice about getting legal help. I already told H that we need to do that because I have to take of my children and if I am deciding to try and make this work they will not suffer too much. He said that he will get a second job to pay for c/s. I told him OK, because the money that he brings to our family is for us and our children. The down side to this is that when he is able to work will be on the weekends and maybe during the week too. So we will lose on that end. We can barely pay our bills now and w/ the added expense of c/s we will be living in the poor house. I did talk to a lawyer and he told me that my H can pay me c/s even though we are still married and living together in the same house. That way when the courts looks at outgoing income it will show that he is paying c/s to me for 2 children. He agreed to do that. The money will be coming right back into our home so it's not like I'm taking the money and doing whatever I want to do w/ it. <BR>Well, as you can tell I am up early not as early as some of you though. The baby and the boy don't sleep much these days. They think that something is going to happen and they are going to miss out on it or something. Well, Ladies I hope that everything works out well for all of us and that these H of our realize that they put everything they love so dear at risk for one night of stupidity. Have any of you visited the new Oprah website.It's wonderful. I started a journal there it's great and it helps me express my self. <BR>Good Morning and have a great day!<P>Fedupinfl