Several of you have mentioned in other posts that your H's (or yourself) are conflict-avoiders. Can you give me any ideas on how to handle this? What advice did you get from counselors? I'm kinda going about this blindly. It would really help if my H would participate in counseling. But...isn't that a way of avoiding conflict also? I don't think he really wants to examine himself. In fact, I know he doesn't. <P>He just told me the other day that he had hoped things would get better faster than they have. This from a guy who says I just need to keep doing what *I* am doing and everything will fall into place. He wants it to be the way it used to be...in other words, he does whatever he wants without any regards to me, kids, responsibilities, etc. I thought I was being the "good wife" by not complaining when he did things without thinking about us, going out until all hours with his single friends (and then the OW). I was being "unselfish" but ended up bitter, resentful and not liking my marriage that much. I'm sure his intent in having the affair was not to change the way I viewed our marriage - but that's what happened. I don't want my old marriage back! IT CAN'T & WON'T EVER BE THE SAME! He just doesn't get it...and I just keep working on myself, trying to do what' right and hold on to the love I have left.<P>Well, I got off on a tangent. What do you guys say about the conflict-avoiding and what can be done to work with that type of personality? Thanks!

Do you really think your husband's a conflict avoider. Doesn't seem like he's avoiding conflict from your small posting. It just seems he's being very selfish and doesn't want to risk losing his selfish life by communicating. If your post represents your married life it seems you have avoided a lot more conflict than him by allowing him to do selfish things throughout your marriage. He can't understand why, if you married a selfish man, that you would want to change to basis of your marriage now. My husband and I both are conflict avoiders. He hasn't done overtly selfish things that would have destroyed our relationship over the years. His infidelities were basically a bomb dropped on me last year. We're communicating and he's very accountable throughout the day. It will take a long time to even feel comfortable with him again since he obviously has no idea of what the definition of love is. But we keep talking and trying. Peace lover.

A conflict avoider is someone with GREAT coping mechanisms, but they put them to poor use. For instance, a conflict avoider will use humor to diffuse an argument. This is gerat if it allows you to pick it up again and discuss it without anger, but bad when that is the end of all conversation.<P>A conflict avoider changes the subject or leaves. A conflict avoider waits until you are asleep to come home or come to bed. A conflict avoider may end an argument by saying something so vile that you have to run for cover. <P>Basically a conflict avoider will do anything he can to avoid discussing the issue. If you find yourself arguing over the same topics, you are probably dealing with a conflict avoider.<P>According to one book on marriage counseling I read, being a conflict avoider is not necessarily a bad thing. This author (sorry I don't remember who it was) suggests that if the couple has a matching or complimentary coping style, it is better. For example, two conflict avoiders might be better together than a conflict avoider and a confronter. The conflict avoiders might not address a lot of small issues, but they are less stressed because of this and are happier as a result.<P>My H is a classic conflict avoider. I used to think he had such better communication skills than I because he could diffuse any argument. It wasn't until I ended up here that I realized that diffusing arguments isn't the key to communication. It's dealing with the underlying issue.

I can say that I usually try to confront a situation or talk about whatever is bothering me. However, in the past I would talk about it, then let it drop. Sometimes I would feel better because I had brought up an issue and that was enough. Sometimes I felt worse because there was usually not a satisfactory resolution...at least for me. So, maybe I do avoid conflict to a certain extent! Hmmmm...something to think about.<P>I guess what I see is that H will not bring up any topic that may be a cause of conflict. And, when I do, he has a way of twisting things around to make it seem like I'm blowing things out of proportion or that it's all me. When we are discussing a difficult topic, his reasoning always seems so logical until I think over the conversation later on by myself. I'm not sure how to work on that...it's been the roles we have played for 11 years!<P>Yes, he is definitely selfish. That's what I'm struggling against and what I should not have put up with for so long. I know that I can't change him (only he can)...but I can change the way I react to him and how I handle the situation.

Andi,<BR>Your relationship sounds a lot like mine. My H and I are both conflict avoiders. The problem is that we both end up angry and resentful of each other because we haven't discussing our thoughts and feelings. This is something that we are working on but we are on the very slow baby-step approach to resolving it. I feel like I am the one who has to initiate any discussions. I struggle with this a lot since I have a very hard time doing this until I feel that a discussion cannot wait any longer. And then, I feel as you do that the issue doesn't necessarily get resolved when we discuss it. My H typically changes the subject or becomes angry or defensive. I wish I had some good suggestions on how to handle the situation but I am struggling to find the answers myself. I am working to understand my own issues in all of this so that I can make the changes that I need to make within myself. For me, I have a mother who has always been critical of me and who doesn't really listen to what I have to say. As a result, I've learned to be quiet and not speak up. I know what I need to do to overcome this issue but find it very difficult to find the courage or whatever it is that can help me past this.<P>As far as my H being selfish (which he is), my counselor has made me aware of how I enabled it for so long. I thought that by giving my H space to do the things that he enjoyed that he would be happy. But that wasn't the case. I am learning to be more assertive in letting my H know how I feel about things that he does. <P>I'm very sorry that your H won't go to counseling. I would continue to encourage him to go if you can find a loving, non-LB way of bringing it up. That has been an important key to our recovery. Our counselor put us both in group therapy (separate groups). We have both discovered a lot about our selves and that has been beneficial to our recovery. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey