I am getting so scared and worried about this whole situation I am in. I am trying not to concentrate on the child support issue, but it is hard when you need money to survive. To know that things could just get worse and worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier to take my daughter and start a new life no matter how much I love my H. To run away and not worry about this, make him worry about it alone. <P>I really hoped to be getting a new start if my H could get a job. Now instead of looking forward to my future, all I think about is what could happen with this situation. Will we finally be able to pay our bills, and then she will ask for more money?! I don't think I can handle this coming up over and over, being a major part of my life. I don't want to struggle now and get a job. Then if four years when we can maybe look for a home, she comes back for more. I really hate her. How can she be so cruel and heartless.<P>I will say I did something today. I tried to call her. I guess God was not wanting me to though. She wasn't at work, and all day her home phone was being checked for mechanical problems. I never got through. I just wanted to ask her straight out what her intentions are. I have a question. For those of you who are past the actual court hearings and appeals, has the OW still made your life unbearable??? The way I see it is. The women who get pregnant say by a boyfriend, or leave their ex, almost always leave things as they are. Say they get child support, but they never go back and ask for more, or they don't ever ask for anything. But the women who are OWs, seem to be the ones that will always ask for more. You would think that they would get on with their lives, but my gut feeling is that they have nothing better to do than wreck havoc on others. Please prove me wrong, and tell me they move on. My fear is really getting the best of me. I am trying to hang in there, but the waiting and the worry are really grinding me down. I need some positive energy, from a situation that has nothing positive about it. Thanks for listening to me rant. I know that you all understand my fury.<P>babstr.<P><p>[This message has been edited by babstr (edited June 09, 2000).]

I'm not far enough along in our drama to know how it will end up, but the OW went from saying, "This may be my last chance to have a child, so I am having it with or without you. You can be involved in its life or not. I don't want anything from you," to taking my H to court for support. She served him with papers without even trying to negotiate a settlement or anything. She portrayed herself as a financially stable person (family money, she doesn't work) and now she is saying her well has dried up.<P>Now, I am not saying that both parents don't share financial responsibility. What I am saying is that people that do this type of thing are selfish. They don't think about the long term situations or how it affects other people's lives. I've heard people on this board proclaim that their OP is a wonderful person. Huh? How can a wonderful person wreck your marriage? Simply because they are those type of people, I can see the increased risk for the constant meddling and long term emotional and financial hardship.<P>This OW sent my H a picture of the daughter hoping to appeal to him. She has no idea what state our marriage is in and does not care. Since she already has an 8 year old child from the same type of circumstance, I don't see her changing.<P>Anyway, will Catnip's solution work in your situation? I know divorce has problems of its own. You lose tax benefits, health insurance, and stuff like that. I don't know. It is a lose/lose situation, but if you stay together, your children will still have their father.

Babstr, the only thing to do at this point as far as the OW/OC are concerned is to plan for the worst, and hope for the best. The way the child support laws are structured allows for the OW to seek an increase periodically, and they almost always do from the experiences I've read or heard about. <P>Thank God you did not reach the OW. Why lower yourself to converse with her? Nothing will be gained; there is no reasoning with someone who evidently has no conscience, morals, or empathy towards you and your family. Remember, you and your family are the enemy in her eyes. All she and the other OW are doing is waiting for us to leave our Hs or waiting for their checks in the mail. <P>I think the reason OW differ from legit girlfriends/etc who have a baby is that the OW from the beginning have placed themselves in a competion with us and are reluctant to give up the sport. Also, men from legit relationships are more inclined to interact with their children when it is simply to complicated for MM to do so. Again, OW are a different sort of woman, and do not play by the rules.<P>Like you, I worry incessantly, and in moments of lucidity, I realize that it is doing more harm to me than anyone else. So many people have acted callously with you...do you want to add to this by inflicting pain upon yourself with unecessary worry? Que sera, sera. <P>I too am a stay at home mom...on maternity leave, and resent having to end it earlier than I wanted because of finances. However, the thought of a salary of my own to sock away for the benifit of MY family is a comforting proposition. Is part time work available in your area, or a telecommuting postion perhaps? Never underestimate the power of having your own $$. <BR>Hang in there.<P>OH!! I read your statement in another thread that lottery winnings and such are subject to being divided in the child support pie. Did you hear that from a lawyer? Please let me know. Thx.<P><BR>

Thank you for all of your responses. I know that I need to stay clear of the OW. Yes, I did hear from a lawyer about the lottery winnings. Basically if I have money that greatly changes the lifestyle of my family, including my H. Than the OC has a right to that same lifestyle, thus they would get a part of my money. So if we went from middle class to high class even if it is from my hard work or luck, then the law says that the OC deserves it also. Basically if I were to work an average job, then the OC doesn't get any. It has to do with the standard of living. So I better never get lucky. Not that my luck has been running that well. It just upsets me that if I work hard and raise our standard of living than she would get that also. <P>As far as doing a divorce that wouldn't work right now because I am a stay at home mom. I gave up my career in May 99 to stay home. I have a degree in Criminal Justice, but there is no way to get my job back. Also as long as my h makes more money than I ever could we will be in the same boat. He travels all the time and I have no family here that could watch my daughter. Basically I realized that if I were still working my income would have paid for the daycare and the exact amount of the child support. So I would have been working now to pay the child support. My career would have been there to only keep us at breaking even. Because we don't have to pay for child care, than my h's income breaks us even. If I work a part time job, I am in the same boat. I can't afford to cover the child support difference AND pay for day care for my child. The only way that I could work and it benefit my family, is if I get a divorce and move to where my parents are, then my mom and sisters could watch my daughter. And then my income would be for bills. But that would mean breaking up our family. That is why I feel trapped. I don't mind working if I knew my daughter wasn't going to pay the price for it!<P>babstr.<p>[This message has been edited by babstr (edited June 10, 2000).]

Babstr: Could you and your husband divorce yet still go on as you always have? <BR>David and I are going to do this and as far as I am concerned, nothing will change between us. He is completely committed and I am committed.<P>The anxiety and fear you are enduring is too much for you. To get through some of this, it's time to consider other options and perhaps get proactive. And protect yourself, your children and even your husband.<P>If you divorced, the lion's share of the support would go to you for your children, decreasing the slut's take, yet your husband would still be there with you. He could have his mail sent to another address or a PO Box.<P>There's no law that says you can't 'live' together.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

babstr,<BR>I think you asked if any XOWs ever leave the family alone. Although she pulled some minor shenanigans in the first year or less, 'our' XOW has basically left things as they are, with the initial child support decided by the court and rarely contacting us, though she's made it clear she wishes my H would play dada more. How that is supposed to be accomplished long distance without breaking our family I can't figure out. But with the messes I read about here, I'm feeling "lucky" in our situation! <P>Anyway, the answer to your question is yes, sometimes the XOW leaves you basically alone and that does help with healing. Will "yours"? Can't tell you...<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

My H's XOW was not responsible for setting up child support. We went to lawyer , then were referred to a lawyer in NC where she lives. WE made offer of support of $265. She and her lawyer accepted this, then she lost her job, went to state for help. The state then contacted my H.and upped it to $500 a mo.we support our 5 children on his salary and give her $500 a month. WE have never seen her. Have not heard from them except occasional requests for help with medical bills. She is on our medical insurance and dental insurance. However last year the OW did mail a love letter to my H, because she is still in love with him, and fears going to Hell because of her past actions and still loving a married man. then their was a plea for attention to their dau. who is now 61/2 years old.<BR>I told him as long as she still feels that way, there is no way I will allow him to go to NC alone. since we live in TX, and our kids are still young, I do not think this will happen. I expect to one day have his dau flown out to TX He does have 2 weeks in summer and alternate Christmases and Thanksgivings that he has never taken. We have never told our children bout their half sister. Our oldest, 23 knows but he is the only one. So I guess she is an example of an OW who stayed away.

catnip,<P>It won't help my situation. See I spoke to several lawyers. The child support would first go to the OC, because that child is older than my child by 4 months. If it was the other way around than yes, we could then decrease her amount. The bottom line, if I divorced for convenience or because I can't handle it, I will get the scraps after the OW. The lawyers said, the law thinks you should take care of your first born before you have more children. So my child is second in line, and she gets quite a bit less. Also the state will not take more than 50% of my h's income. So in the end I wouldn't get much alimony or the child support that I should get. See either way I get it stuck to me. Basically my child is the loser in this situation. That is why I get sick of hearing how the OC is so important. I have been married to this man for four years, been with him for eight. My child was planned, and now we get less than this one night stand. Nice system. If it would help we would have gone that route, my h suggested it early on, to divorce quickly. But it wouldn't have mattered, because my daughter and I don't count when it comes to the law. <P>Jenny,<P>Thanks for the little bit of hope, every bit counts.<BR>babstr.

Babstr,<P>Financially, the OW has left us alone. She hasn't gone back to court since the agreement and H bascially pays a set amount. (He doesn't pay extra for medical or for daycare.) <BR>Other than that I sometimes think she hasn't totally given up on getting H's attention. For instance all of a sudden she needed someone to pick up OC from the daycare. I have a hard time believing she couldn't find anyone else to do that, especially with a older children at home. Also, H says she says little things at pick up and drop off times hinting that she's doing everything herself. (H had to stop picking OC from daycare due to a new job.)<BR>If you remember, I said earlier that I am not with H when he picks up OC. Besides feeling that I should be secured bec he always comes back hm, H feels being in the car would upset her which may result in her taking it out on our family financially.<BR>

CD, I am very concerned about your H's response to not permitting you to be in the car for pickup/dropoff for fear of "upsetting OW who might take it out on the family financially." I heard the same excuse for months. Turns out they were still in friendly contact (even though he told me there was NO contact) and eventually they reignited the affair for a short time. (until I found out AGAIN!) <BR><BR>After D Day #2, I was reluctant to even consider remaining in the marriage, but he convinced me that he had made his choice. He SAYS there has been no contact without my being there since then. I go for pickup/dropoff with him. Sometimes I choose not to gosimply because I am in the middle of something else.<BR><BR> You and your H MUST be a united front when dealing w/OW. Your H shows some reluctance in that are, which does not demonstrate he is putting you and your marriage first. Talk with him about this (read about Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement.) The OW can only cost you what the law allows, so saying she will "take it out on your family financially" just doesn't wash. Also, I would be very nervous if I were you that the OW can intimidate him that much. the OW should NOT be calling the shots, nor should your husband being making decisions based upon what will or will not upset the OW.<BR><BR> Think about it. If your H is being honest with you and has committed himself to your marriage, why would he be concerned about how the OW feels? Why isn't how YOU feel the most important thing? Remember, she can only collect what the law provides in child support guidelines which is what you <BR><BR>are or will be paying anyway, so how is she punish you financially just because she gets mad? <BR><BR> Is it possible that he doesn't want her to see you in the car because he is telling her a different version of the story? Please don't permit your H to hurt you even more. The OW has already received plenty of attention and consideration from your H at YOUR expense. Don't permit that to continue.