I have written to this forum before, but I never thought I would be writing under this subject. I found out on Father's Day that my husband had gotten a woman pregnant that he was seeing while we were seperated. <P>Let me back up...<P>We are still separated, but were recently, in the past few months, trying to work this out so that we can be together again and save the marriage. It was working out ok, as far as our feelings. We realized we are still very much in love, but my H was/is having a hard time dealing with the past. See, I left a year ago while we were in Germany to come home because I was going through a rough time and didn't know how to deal with it. I realize that was wrong. Very wrong, but when I finally gave in to my true feelings and told him I wanted to work this out and not get a divorce, he said that he was moving in with a woman I had never heard about. I was shocked and devastated and learned to deal with this in the hope that he would realize that this was all wrong and that we should work this out. Well, he was unhappy with her and he finally broke down and shared these feelings with me. I was so happy!!! We agreed that this would all take time, but that we were so in love we were going to try. He came to visit me from out of state and by the time he left, we made plans of him moving out of her home so that we could work on "us". <P>He still had many issues as far as my leaving. He didn't know exactly why I left (neither did I, really - immaturity mostly). So, he was having a hard time sharing his feelings with me and opening up. He was scared I would hurt him again. I tried to give him space to let him think things through, but I don't think he was really making an effort. I believe that he wanted to but that he didn't know how. I urged him to see a counselor and told him I would do the same, anything to make this work. He said that he would, but he never did. I think his lack of being proactive was out of fear. <P>...trying to get this all out...it's been difficult, but we've been managing ok. We've had ups and downs. But it was hopeful. Until now, when he found out the OW was pregnant with his child. Well...so we suspect. I suppose it is possible that it is not his. This news devastated me. I was in shock and felt my life falling apart. My H is such a wonderful, loving, caring man and this was killing him to tell me, and killing him that there was to be a child he didn't want. I didn't know how to handle this, and I still don't. I decided that the best way for me would be to support him as best I can right now and to not turn my back on him, as I did before. I thought he would let me do this, but he's not. He says that he doesn't want to drag me through this and I should go and move on with my life. He said it was hard enough before the pregnancy and that maybe it could have worked and maybe not, but now it would cause too much pain. I begged him to let me help him through this. (Sounds ridiculous, I know). I could just hear the pain in his voice when he had to tell me all of this, and I know he is hurt and confused, just as I am. What I didn't understand is why he was pushing me away. <P>He has said from the begining that he was never in love with the OW and that he always thought of me and that he has been so unhappy since I left. I believe him because I feel it. I know he loved me so very much before I left and I know he loves me now. I am affraid for our marriage, very much so. What a tragedy it would be for this to tear us apart. And DAMN that OW for coming between us. I know it takes two....blah blah...yes, but she knew he was married still and knew we were in love, we talked on and off while he was living there. I mean, I hate her for being the kind of person she must be and to try to ruin such a beautiful thing like our love. We have no children. He wanted to have kids badly, but not now and not like this. <P>I am also scared for him if things don't work out with us. I am scared he will let himself be with the OW because of the child, even though he doesn't love her. I know he would be terribly unhappy and still be thinking of me. I am scared he will not insist on a paternity test and that could cause him more problems than he can dream of. I want him to do the right thing. I would suppport him even if he decided to be an active father, because I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. It would be hard, but I told him I would try to do this. He continues to say that it woud cause me too much pain. <P>I don't know what to do. I know it is out of my control. I don't want to bother him right now with our marriage issues, because he is still dealing with much bigger issues, like this child, and hasn't had time to let it sink in. I wrote him today to tell him that I am still here for him and to please not rush into a decision like divorce. What am I to think about all this? Why is he pushing me away when he needs me most? Why am I so willing to put myself through hell for him that could possibly last our whole lives? I suggested that he come to this site to help him out with this. He is the one who introduced me to this site when I told him I wanted to leave. It is obvious that we are in love and I know that love is not dead. How can I get him to want to try? I want him to see what I will do in order to work with him on this. Counseling...whatever. I am willing to do it. I will fight for us because he is so dear to me. <P>I know a lot of you have gone through similar situations, if there is any hope you can pass on to me that he will do what is best for us and not just this unborn child, or this OW (bitc#). <P>In great need of encouragement...thanks! (sorry it was so long - thanks for reading)<P>------------------<BR>Pammi

Is your Hstill living with the OW? His pushing you away is a classic symptom of 'still in the OW's clutches-itis'. <BR>Is there anyway you could just show up and reclaim your H? I'm assuming your H is in the military, being in Germany and all, but I could be wrong. However, if he is, plenty of women who post here are part of military marriages and can advise you on how to legally proceed.<BR> <BR>You're up against a strong force. It seems your OW will stop at nothing to win him over. She is probably filling his head with all types of garbage. The geological distance between you and your H is working to her advantage. <P>You and your H need to have a frank discussion regarding his intentions toward all parties. Stay strong, and please keep in touch. Sorry you have to belong to this unfortunate club.

I'm so sorry you're in this pain. It IS possible to successfully recover from this (we have!!), but requires lots of work and commitment from both in the marriage. This is a terrible blow. Treat yourself nice and retain your dignity. Dr H's practices for recovery are highly recommended, and counseling.<P>Keep posting!

Thank you both for taking the time to read and post replies. <P>I am still having such a hard time, and even when it feels like it just may go away - it doesn't. My Dr. put me on antidepressants and said it would help to get through those times when I can't get out of bed and can't function at work. I hope it is temporary that I will need them. Hopefully it will help.<P>As fas as this situation goes. I have not talked to my H since Monday and I told myself I would give him some time and space to think, etc. The problem now is really that he will not communicate with me. He is pushing me away. How can I make a difference in this situation alone? How can I finght for him like this? I don't want to lower myself to being anything like the OW, because I want to do the honest thing. I want to be there for him, but he's not letting me. He hasn't written to check and see how I am or anything. I don't know if that is because he doens't care how I am or because he is forcing himself to leave me alone to cause me less pain in the long run. I don't know.<P>I would love to get through this, but I think that he will never let me back in. How do I regain his trust at a time like this when he is pushing me out? <P>My emotions are up and down. One min I'm fine and the next I am a wreck. I would love to show him that this is possible for us and that we have what it takes to make it work - LOVE! And if we have that I think it's just a matter of working with each other using the MB procedures to build back what we had, despite all of this. I don't know what his intentions are, or if he even know what they are. <P>I will keep this one short, I at least want to make sure it makes some sense. Thank you for the encouragement. I wish my H would read this. I wish he would let me in..... <P><P>------------------<BR>Pammi

Pammi,<BR>Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that you have to come here. It sounds like your H is confused. I hope that he is able to open his heart back up to you soon. It is possible to recover your marriage. My H and I are doing well. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Thank you, Audrey. I hope he opens up soon, too. I am scared that I will lose him forever, or even worse, that he will throw his life away over all of this and become cold and alone. I hope that I can get through to him and show him that at the very least, I want to help him through this and he is my main concern right now. (As well as getting myself through this) I think that communication is key, no matter what happens, but he is not willing to do that either. I don't know how to reach him. I'm trying. I'm really trying. <BR>Thanks for all the support, it really does help!<P><P>------------------<BR>Pammi