My husband can care less about all the effection I show him through out the day. About all the little things that I do because I love him. He feels if I don't have sex every night then I don't love him. Then gets upset and sleeps on the couch. Though when I have sex with him it is all about his needs.
I need to know if this is normal.

I dunno about "normal" but I have one of those guys living with me, too.

Its the way we SHOW love.

I cook great meals and feed him well so he is full and content.

He wants sex.

I keep his house tidy so he can be proud of where he lives.

He wants sex.

I keep his clothes clean and neat so he looks and feels good about himself.

He wants sex.

I had his baby and care for him and teach him and nurse him and love him with all my heart.

He wants sex.

I whisper in his ear and cuddle with him and hug him as he walks past me and show him little bits of affection whenever I can.

He wants sex.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? I show my love in MANY ways. But to FEEL LOVED, he NEEDS sex.

When he doesn't get sex, he doesn't FEEL loved. That makes him upset. Upset = pouting, mad, restless, disturbed, testy. Those behaviors Certainly won't get him sex. In fact, they kinda piss me off, because here I am, showing him I LOVE him all day, and he's annoyed because HE didn't get sex.

But that's all he wants. That's all he needs to feel loved.

Its pretty easy. Put away the pots and pans, toss the dirty clothes in a pile, to hell with the kids and the messy bed. Love him the way that works for him.

Um, yeah, it's pretty much a common theme that most men (my opinion, only) feel loved through SF.

There's a good book called "Five Love Languages" (can't remember the author, sorry!) that talks about the ways we show love to each other. Each person has a "way" of expressing love. Unfortunately, we tend to want to recieve Love in the manner that we give it!! If your spouse speeaks a different "Love Language" than you do, B-I-N-G-O!! You're missing each other's Love Language, and unfulfillment follows!

For instance, for some people, doing acts of service (such as cooking, cleaning, etc) are acts of Love. You would do them, and expect to be rewarded for them, if that's YOUR Love Language. But when it's not your mate's Love Language, they don't even really care about that stuff! See? It's like being married to an alien (and don't some people think like that sometimes?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So the key to keeping Hubby happy (without being obligated to give him SF ten times a day!) is find out what his main Love Language is, and use that to tell him how much you love him! NOT that there's anything wrong with SF. It's just that if you are the "normal" woman, working outside the home, or raising HIS kids at home, and then he wants YOU to "be there" for him every single day and night, available for S*X?!?!?! HA!!! Gotta give him the feeling that everything's OK some other way, and get him to give you some space on the SF once in awhile, right?

Anyway, look it up. The book is a fairly simply read, and relatively inexpensive.

Maybe you would like a guys opinion. "Normal"? No. Common? Very.

Sex is one of the dialects that a person who's love language is "Touch" speaks. Yes, having sex w/ me makes me feel loved. No, giving me gifts, taking care of my children, going skating w/ me, supporting me financially, cleaning the house does not make me feel loved. Non-sexual affection makes me feel loved, too. My primary love language is "Touch", and I speak multiple dialects. Trying to "give him the feeling that everything's OK some other way" does not work, because touch is my love language. Just like it would not work to make someone who's love language is "Time" feel loved by giving them a gift.

If my wife wants me to feel loved, the best thing she can do is to make love with me. The next best thing is to have sex w/ me. The next best thing after that is to hold me and tell me she WANTS to make love with me, but can't because of time or tiredness or illness or whatever.

My wife's primary love language is time. If I want her to feel loved, the best thing I can do is to spend time with her doing something she enjoys. Unfortunatly for me, sex is not on the list of her most enjoyable things. Exercise, shopping, dining out, spending time walking holding hands talking (preferably on a beach if it is warm enough), and talking heart to heart are the kinds of things she needs to do with me to feel loved. I am learning to do those things well, because I want her to feel loved. She is learning to be a better sex partner, because she wants me to feel loved.

If only one of you is doing this, it doesn't work very well. If only one of you is enjoying the things you are doing together, it doesn't work very well either. I had to learn how to have sex with her in a way that she could really enjoy it, too. She had to learn how to spend time with me doing things I enjoy, too. Sorry, shopping is out. I don't do shopping. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Though when I have sex with him it is all about his needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That doesn't sound like he is making it enjoyable for you.

Get "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley and "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Read them together. DO THE EXERCISES!!!!!. (Frankly, filling out and discussing the Emotional Needs Questionaire in HN/HN is far more valuable than reading the book - and the book is good. Better than TFLL, IMO.)

A couple more things. Don't think that sex is just a physical drive, and has nothing to do with you. If he just wanted to satisfy a physical drive, he could masturbate and it would be more pleasurable, physically, than real sex. Part of what makes sex better than masturbation is feeling wanted. An unenthusiastic partner does not give that impression. (One more reason to make sure that you are enjoying this.) If he is a selfish lover, it is possible that he is selfish due to ignorance - have you really told him what you need and want during sex? What about before, so that you feel emotionally connected to him, if that is what you need? It is, of course possible that he is just a selfish pig - there are plenty of those people around of both sexes.

You haven't said if he uses pornography. If he does, he is in the habit of being aroused without giving, and without being emotionally connected to his partner. If that is the case, you probably need more help than you can get here, at least with that kind of topic heading. Try a question with "porn" in the title in the General Questions or Emotional Needs section.

I thank you all for your answers. The inforamtion I recieved has helped me understand that it is somthing we both need to work on. We need to know how the other person loves. I already know his, now I just need to learn mine.
Thank you again.

Yagh-what is this sex, sex sex thing? I like sex-we all do.
BUT, which came first, attention or sex.
I don't know about thew rest of you here, but my relationship with my huband started with his (and my) attention , eye contact caring talking ect. Now I know that when you are married you can by pass this all sometimes-not all the time!

Yes, sex, sex and more sex!

Although, I love to give random notes (no sex), make lunches (no sex), pour cold water in the hot shower (no sex)...ok that wouldn't warrant an affectionate moment! Sending flowers (no sex), plan a day away (no sex), etc. etc.

As a sex addict, however, I discovered my ww ways were done out of need of attention, affection, affirmation, etc. That void has since been filled by the Holy Spirit and I haven't acted out or felt the need to (with exception to 1-2 x's during this period)in over 70 days (no masturbation, no contact with ow)...It feels so good to walk down this path that I may consider becoming a Franciscan Monk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ! NOT!

Even though it will probably be awhile for me, I look forward to sharing my LOVE and NOT sex (alhtough, many times I was loving my w), for the first time in a long time!

In Christ's Name!
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An interesting subject line and for me I would have to say definitely not. At one time I did but after going through what I went through in my last marriage that is no longer the case.

Sex builds a man's ego. It is acceptance. It is something most men think women only do with their husbands. Maybe that is why men are less likely to recover a marriage after infidelity than women.

My GF and I spent 2 days painting my house and talking the whole time. Enjoying spending time together regardless of what we're doing does it for me.

Here's another angle. I've had the same problem with my W. Whos now moving out to "figure things out". No, no ,no ,no ,no. Cleaning the house does not make me feel loved doing laundry dishes etc...my mom did that for me. I never wanted to be romantic with her for it. They're just chores. No sex does not make a man feel loved by itself (not me anyway). It's all in the timing of the sex. To feel loved it cant just be sex but has to be lovemaking. They're WAY different. Say you and your husband go out for a nice dinner, have a fun conversation and a couple drinks. You laugh on the way home and have a great time. This is when you make love and it is fullfilling. Unfortunately gettiing home meant "Ok I had a great time thanks. I'm too tired or too full I'm going to bed. We'll have sex in the morning" Well the thing is by that time I'm hurt and when morning comes it's no longer fullfilling, it's just sex. After a while what happens (personal feelings here may not apply) is that the man feels that all the woman wants is entertainment. Sex becomes empty. This progresses into a plethora of problems I don't totally understand yet but hopefully will someday. Lots of LB's to make it short.
Hope this helps