Background: married 5 years; 2 boys (3 and 4 mos.); husband has 5 yr old son from affair.<P>I am going crazy --- actually I am a basket case.<P>I have known about the child from the moment my husband found out she was preg. I decided to stay and stick things out (for better or worse???) My husband and I discussed the situation and decided that we would pay child support but not have contact. (Mainly because of my jealousy and the OW is a complete b***ch. --- she tried to run me over in the Kmart parking lot when I was pushing my 6 week old son in the buggy.) Now 5 years later my husband is feeling guilty and has decided that he wants to visit with the child. I am so against this. I have spent many days crying and confused if I am being unfair. I do not want to look this child in the face, much less have this manipulative woman become part of my life. I have decided that I would sacrifice my marriage (leave with my boys) so he could have a life with this child. I just can't be any part nor do I want my sons to be part of this situation. My husband loves me and our family very much and said he will not loose us over this child because we mean more than they do. He said he has no love for the child, he only feels guilty. He also hates the other woman and said that we would never have any other contact (if we went through with the visitation) other than pick up and drop off --my husband is not being realistic because she will find every reason to call, visit, manipulate, she is really an evil person and I don't only say this because I hate her -- she is not well liked in the small town that we are from.<BR>I do not want to lose my marriage. I love my husband and my sons are awed by his mere presence. We are in love and 90% of the time we are very happy. <BR>I do feel sorry for the child, but not so sorry that I want to have my oldest son have to share his bedroom with him. <BR>Perhaps I am a jealous, bitter, woman. I cry at the thought of my husband loving this child as he loves our children. I want to be the only woman that has given my husband the gift of his children I do not want her or her son placed equal to me. They would share this great gift of their son. Oh! The though angers me. <BR>Now, to make matters worse... my husband's sister and mother want to talk to me and try to make me welcome this child into my home. My husband said that I do not have to talk to them, but if I don't I will be uncomfortable each time I am in there presence. I have become the victim and the bad guy! -- what irony!<BR>I am going to see a marriage counselor (with my husband) next week. But, (jealous me) I am terrified that she will say that I am wrong and should welcome this child with loving arms. <BR>I am mainly looking for a friend. I don't think I have many at this point.

You are not alone, especially, here. Many here have felt the same feelings you have felt. Come back and keep posting, you will find support and encourage. You will also have a place to vent those feelings that you may not be able to share with anyone else. Good luck. Stay strong, remember to hug your children at night and whisper I love in your husband's ear before you sleep, (if you still love him after all this )

unfair:<P>Your feelings aren't "wrong" or "right"---they're just your feelings. You had an agreement with your husband (the old POJA) in which you would pay child support, but there would be no visits.<P>Now your husband wants to renegotiate this. That's fine (he's entitled to his feelings too)---and you should listen to what he has to say. Then, he should listen to what you have to say. And afterwards, you should see if you can negotiate a solution that you would both agree to (without any ultimatums). If you can't agree---then the issue should be settled that you both do nothing (no contact with the OC). <P>It's possible that you might want to try to attempt a set of visitations, in which there is no contact with the OW. It does seem as though you dealing with some very strong negative feelings about this child, however, so I'd make sure that your husband knows about this, and I'd probably suggest that you not attempt anything until you've worked through this. <P>It doesn't seem as though your husband is trying to push an ultimatum at you---he's just letting you know how he feels, and suggesting solutions. You should treat him with respect (no lovebusters), and try to let him know how you feel. I think the marriage counseling would be excellent---and you should definitely work on your jealousy. It's not an attractive emotion.

Dear Unfair:<P>I know how you are feeling. My H had an affair for two years. I found out about the child last December. The OC is 20 months old. We have two daughter (14 & 12). <P>All of the pain you are feeling, I have felt them. I found my strength in GOD. I look at this as a blessing because the OC is a boy. <P>I told my H that, yes I was hurt. I wanted to have his children only and it hurts me because someone else has his child and because it is a boy. <P>We have been married for 16 years, due to medical problems, tumors, etc., I can nolonger have children, I am 38.<P>I feel hurt, but also some type of joy. We are working on recovering before we fully bring this OC into our lives with our daughters. We are currently trying to get a DNA test done so that we will know without a doubt that it is my H own.<P>I decided that I the child did nothing wrong, his parents did. And I love children and don't want to see any child going without. So I have vow to help my H take care of the OC...not with money, but I will and am willing to buy clothes, shoes, sock, etc. (Because the OW has not taken the OC to have the DNA test done, we are not supporting the OC with money.)<P>I understand your pain, because we have the same type of pain. GOD Bless you! ITS<BR>

Unfair - your post - sounded like me writing it - everything you said is how I feel - and actually I got to the point (poor pathetic soul am I) that I was finally, gradually ready to accept the OC if we could somehow avoid contact with OW. My H and I together 14 years - 1 daughter - 3; OC is 1 1/2 (a boy) and when my H was 34 he had an affair with a 19 year old daycare worker that took care of our child and worshiped the ground she walked on - yeah and my husband's ground too - Nonetheless - since I know this OW and FEEL like she used my child to get to my H I hate her with a passion that knows no extinguishing - and you're exactly - right (especially if your OW) is like you say - she will use this situation to the hilt!!!! My OW still wants my H and even though I finally agreed to include the OC and I do like the OC and he likes me and it doesn't really bother me when he is around - it is the contact with HER. Plus - he is very sickly (allergies, eczema, etc.) and she calls my H all the time. He has promised for months and months and months that he will ONLY talk to her around me - - (we have tried to renegotiate this crap over and over) and we get nowhere. He is not able to understand my feelings at all. I have been at my lowest point the last week or so - and although I have to go pick up my D now from daycare and am pushed for time - I would love to communicate more directly with you on this. Hang in there and know that it sounds as if at least your H HATES this OW (while mine doesn't, and I fear that he is actually in love with her) and that your H did not want to have anything to do with the OC initially. (My H snuck around to see OC behind my back) and swore to me he wasn't - - - so at least he's approaching you the direct way. Don't hate yourself for the bitterness - selfishness - it's real and it's there and you are entitled to it! I'll write back in the a.m. <P>------------------<BR>