Well I had a great 7 days + of Plan A'ing my H to death and then yesterday - I get our home phone bill and find out that when he and I and our D went to Destin, FL the 1st of May (when I asked him to please be honest with me)he lied (again) and had called OW 5 or 6 times long distance while we were on a trip "for just us". Can you believe it - I seriously love busted - you know, but what is the use. He is always always going to be "hung up" on her. He said the "reason" he called her was that I had brought up the "subject" of being honest and our "situation with OW and OC" on our drive to Florida so he called her just to "piss me off". Yeah, right! And I was born yesterday. These games are so hard - I told him that if he could not come home and make some sort of overture of honesty or get bimbo on the line and have a good talk with her - then the only thing left was for him to leave - when he got home he took a shower - got dressed and was ready to leave. Of course, I freaked (being the emotional person I am) I just was dying inside for him to tell me that he loved me, that he would do anything for me to earn my trust, etc. etc. Of course all I got was "well do you think THIS TIME you can let me finally leave - I've been trying to do this forever!" So at that point - I realized - whether he meant what he said or not - I deserve better - so he left, with the parting words, "and don't freakin' call me!"<P>I haven't at all. He came by my office this a.m. looking for his sunglasses - he's called 3 or 4 times - twice I was out or on the phone and once I talked to him and he just asked how our D did going to daycare and told me he'd be going by the house to get some "things". I'm just totally lost - a part of me feels better to have "done" something; instead of something being "done" to me.<P>P.S. OW quit daycare and now works somewhere else - even though OC still goes to daycare where my D goes - so she's still around. Not that that matters - because H will find her no matter what.<P>Please help me to be strong to keep him away until he has changed (which I doubt now he ever will.)<P>------------------<BR>

What an ordeal you have been through . You are doing the right thing by letting him go. I don't know if you read the "In Recovery" forum...I like to go there for hope. There is a very good topic that might help you through this...it's "Discussion: Dobson, Hope for Families in Crisis" posted by Tryingtorebuild. I've read the book mentioned in the post (Love Is Tough), but not soon enough. If I had read it during the times H kept telling me it was "over" and then I would find out about more contact, I would have probably done things a lot differently. It would have definitely helped my self-respect.<P>Let him go! I know that's easy for anyone else to say...but you have been through enough! Now take care of yourself....

DD:<P>Where have you been? I'm glad you've posted and I am glad you are going to do Plan B.<P>You will survive this. You will be OK.<BR>He left because you told him to, and you telling him to leave was the right thing to do. Imagine any man who has done the unspeakable things he has done to tell his wife that he called the OW to 'piss her off' when he should be reassuring you and comforting you instead of playing cruel, hurtful and manipuilative games. He does it because he knows you'll take it.<P>I know you have told me that you have a terrible insecurity problem which allows him to treat you with disrespect and like a doormat. Now is the time to get strong and refuse to allow him to treat you like this any longer. I believe that he is already gaining respect for you and it is obvious that he is disturbed that you have taken a stand because he is calling you several times and seems to be making excuses to see you and talk to you.<P>To really set the wheels in motion, you will have to follow Harley's principles on Plan B to the letter, including the Plan B letter and stop all contact. Make him see what it is like to be without you. Determine your boundaries and stick to them. No waffeling.<P>DD, you've been trying to make him stop seeing her for ages; no amount of coercing has worked. Plan B can work miracles though there is risk involved. You have to get to a point where your sense of self simply cannot tolerate one more act of disrespect.<P>Stay strong, DD. I will pray for you.<P>I'm leaving in the morning to go out of town for the weekend but I will check in Sunday night to see how it's going. Good luck, God bless and don't let the [censored] get you down.<P>Catnip =^^=

DD,<BR>It is sad that your H continues to behave this way. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I think that moving to Plan B is the right move for you though I'm sure that it is very difficult. I will be thinking of you. Stay strong.<P>Audrey

Ditto here. Plan B your little heart out!! Your H and yourself will have more respect for you! You deserve it! And you are role modeling something healthy for your little girl!

DD,<P>All I can say is I am so sorry. Go for it on plan B. Good luck, you deserve better.<BR>Your in my prayers and thoughts.<P>babstr.

DD,<P> You're in my prayers too. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks - you all are so wonderful to me - I feel like I know all of you so well. . . well an update - my H won't leave - he keeps making up excuses to come back and "get this" or "he needs that" and then we end up arguing and then I'm crying and upset because I still love him and being around him hurts so much - -and then my D starts crying "daddy don't leave us!" And it just breaks my heart - and this weekend when he came by to "take a shower and rip my heart out" we were arguing so badly (and dose of PMS on my part didn't help) that I picked up the nearest thing to throw at him and it was a globe from our ceiling fan and it hit him and broke in a thousand pieces and cut his wrist- it was bleedly profusely - - he called his mom to come over because he thought he might have to go to the hospital. Both his parents showed up and we had a 2 hour counseling session. Afterwards he seemed like he understood what his mom was saying that "the OW" is standing in between me and my H and he is the one allowing her to be there and as long as that is going on - I can't heal, nor can our marriage have a turn for the better - - I just don't know - the arguing is killing me - and I can't get him to see that I'm serious and for him to leave - to I need to involve the authorities?<P>------------------<BR>

My young neice is married, has a baby, and her husband is sometimes out of control and has had several affairs.<P>She lost it the other day. He wanted sex, they got into a fight, and she plowed him one right in the eye.<P>He called the police. She is sitting in jail in Southern California. $50,000 bail. Unbelievable, huh?<P>You need lots of love and support right now, DD. Your plan B was a good idea. I'm glad your MIL is now finally seeing that OW stands between you and husband. That is wonderful progress. <P>Your husband is torturing you with OW and OC. You have tried so hard. Now you need to learn how to be kind to yourself, pamper yourself, and be honest with yourself. You do want your husband and marriage, so - keep your wedding ring on and act married, but put as much emotional distance with your husband and his affair as you can. You need to survive, and that is the bottom line.<P>You don't post too often, but I lurk over here on this board to see how you are doing often. <P>Sometimes it takes something like a telephone bill to bring you to the point that you will make change - you said something VERY profound.<P>You are doing something about it, instead of letting someone else do it to you. I know you love him with all your heart, but - survival is very important for your own sake.<P>hugs to you.<BR>tnt

Hey TNT: Thanks so much. I don't post a whole lot - I feel like I'm so "needy" when I do. I am so thankful for everyone here at MB. I think I'd lose my mind. You're exactly right - I want to be married, but I'm doing all the work by myself. Something really "clicked hard" with me yesterday - I had suspicions once again that during the lunch hour H and OW were together - he always gives himself away - and I was freaking out and acting like a crazy person - and I thought, you know; this is freakin' ridiculous. I am young, attractive and have a good mind, a big heart and a beautiful daughter and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let him and that poor excuse for a female get the best of me - - so I had a total attitude adjustment. I never called him - I did my job, my friend brought my daughter to work and she could tell that I had been upset and crying and she said "you need some TLC" and she said - just get in the car and I did and we got fastfood and went to the park and stayed for hours - watching the kids play, talking. It was so relaxing and so non-confrontational for someone to just accept me and not be playing headgames with me. I thought - this is how it could be for me and I wouldn't be crying every day or upset or anything. So - - hopefully that was a great step forward (for me). My H didn't know where we were and for the 1st time it didn't bother me that he didnt' know and I didn't feel the need to call and let him know where we were. When I got home last night (around 10:30 p.m.) he was there and we didn't even speak; however, he had called about 10 times from working trying to get hold of me (that made me feel good HE was worried for a change). Anyway - I could tell that he was "suprised" by my abnormal behavior. Your advice is right on the money - and thank you for thinking of me. How are you doing by the way?<P>I'm so so very very sorry for your niece - can you believe the way the laws are? These sluts can ruin your whole family and get pregnant intentionally or otherwise - and they get off scott free - but heaven forbid a female try to fight for her husband and her life and she gets thrown in jail - I'll never understand it - GEEZ!!!! Plus, the alienation of affection thing - should be reinstated in every state so that these so called "women" have to suffer for what they've done along with the men that can't keep it in their pants! (sorry, it just makes me so angry!)<P>------------------<BR>

You sound stronger already, DD! From the way your H reacted to your evening out, Plan B is sure to stir him up. <P>Take care of yourself and your little girl.<P>Polly

DD! I am so proud of you! You sound so different...and the beauty of it is that your husband is certainly noticing and is uncomfortable with the 'change', the 'new' you. <P>You just keep on with your abnormal behavior, DD...it's healthy for you and effective to your cause.<P>Catnip =^^=

DD,<BR>You GO GIRL!! Keep up the good work!!!!!<BR>

You all are wonderful!!!!! I'm feeling stronger each day. Why does it take so long to get to the point that "well, you just don't care anymore." I love hime still with all my heart - yet something is "different". I just don't feel the closeness (obviously) and I'm realizing - - I'm ont gonna let myself be abused this way. On a sad note - my sister (who has had suspicions re: her H and his "friendship" with a co-worker) caught them "kissing" at the girls' apartment last weekend. She is totally devestated. What is this world coming to. I told her to come to MB for encouragement and support. Thanks you guys for being so wonderful.<P>------------------<BR>

That is the DD I know was always there - but was beaten down so emotionally that she was too wounded to surface...<P> <P>Pamper yourself, you deserve it. If there was a medal for the Best Improvement in Pampering Yourself Category, you'd get it.<P>We are doing okay. Neice is still in jail, but BIL called the governor's office and they said they would call DA and get them to release her. Found out more, he was drunk and wanted to have sex - she used her foot to kick him away and that is how he ended up with a black eye. Uggghhhh. <P>I've been sick since the end of May, but other than that we are doing pretty darn good. H still has contact with OW, affair is over, his X wife just moved 2000 miles to Minnesota and lives 4 doors down, now she wants to get a job at the little store in town where our mail goes... ick. <P>On Mothers Day my husband and I bought a lake house. It needs a ton of work, but it will be wonderful to get out of this town and to live on a lake. Today my job is to send out change of address notifications. I don't want his X having anymore information about our lives - and if she starts doing the mail for the store, she sees everything. It feels very uncomfortable.<P>She has been here long enough that now she knows our habits. She knows my husband stops at the store before he goes to work to get a juice, say hi to his sisters (who work there) and get gas if he needs it. I saw X drive to the store to be there when my husband was there. <P>He usually stops at the store to get a coke around 8:00 and visits with a couple of farmers that hang out there about that time. She realizes this and was there last night. <P>My husband says I have nothing to worry about.... but, I think he is terribly naieve!<BR>Who in their right mind would move 2000 miles and live 4 doors away from their X husband! He doesn't get it.<P>OW is engaged, but is still driving by every day several times, too da looing her hand to say "hi!" geez.... <P>You can see I'm about at the end of my rope in living in this town! X wife asked husband and BIL last night - "How soon before you move to the lake house?" "Tell me all about it"...... ick ick ick ick ick ick.<P>Other than that, my husband and I have been getting along so well. As long as I keep my mouth shut, and not lovebust, we are doing very very very well. It helps that his daughters haven't been staying here and stirring the pot as well.<P>We will be married 10 years very soon. I hope that my husband really wants to celebrate this. We deserve a huge congratulations!<P>Well enough about me. I know you wanted to know, so this is the update.<P>You just post all you want, and we don't care how needy you sound. You ARE needy, and it is normal. You have been through hell and back, and if there is something we can do, we want to do it. If it is only a cyber hug, that is what we want to do.<P>You take care of yourself. Continue to pamper yourself and find friends for just you.<P>TnT