I posted my story under "just found out". I had been in touch with the OW over e-mail to try to make peace since we would be connected through this baby forever. She is obviously angry at my H and at first gave me some kind words. Monday I sent her an e-mail telling her I didn't want her to hate my H that he is a great person. Just lost. She retorted saying we were harrassing her, etc. My H believes it's because she feels he deserves to have me leave him and I'm not. That this pissed her off. In any event he express great anger towards her and this child. I don't know why I'm posting anything tonight. I can't seem to make my point. My H called to say he'd be late due to work issues. I think I believe him but don't want to be stupid. After hearing his hatred towards the OW today I can't imagine he'd go see her again. I unfortuneaty used a love buster and yelled at him "When the f_ck am I going to come first" after he told me he'd be late. Today was one of the harder days for me (which he knew) and I had hoped he'd come home early if anything. I apoligized but he was mad. Asked me if I was prepared to pay all the bills. He asked me if we were doing the right thing about trying to make this work.<P>Are we? At what point do I throw in the towel and say it's over? I fear for my health. I'm 5'7" and am now down to 109 lbs. I can't eat anything. No appetite. When do I say to myself my health has to come first? I feel as though the only thing keeping me from jumping is my little girl. Not because I'd be devestated my husband and I didn't work out but because the pain is so tremendous I don't know what to do with it.

lostsoulmate,<P>I am so sorry for your pain tonight. I too am up late, which seems to be a constant now. My little girl is what keeps me going also. I admire how you were able to talk to the OW. Does your h want any contact with the OC, and how old is the OC, just curious. I want you to know that you are not alone in this. We are all going through the pain and anger.<P>You DO need to put your health first! If you become sick than you will not be able to help yourself or you daughter. I know the pain feels unbearable, but try to take care of yourself. Whether or not you work things out with your h you need to be healthy. <P>I just wanted to send you a little support. I don't know whether keeping up relations or talks with the OW is in your best interest. I have seen over and over those women who try and reach out, having the OW turn on the them, or take advantage of the situation. That is what you reccently saw, so I would stay clear of her. Put your family first, and take care of your precious child. your in my prayers and thoughts.<P>babstr.

Lostsoulmate, I agree w/ what Babstr said. It is not in your best interest to talk w/ OW. She does not have your best interest at heart, because deep down she wants you to leave your H so she can have him. Don't give your H to that slut. You keep your faith and your vows and you give 100% to save your marriage. After you have done that, if you think that it's over then OK. Dr. Phil said once on Oprah that we have to go over and beyond to try and make our marriage work. He asked this one lady what was she prepared to tell her child about what happened to her mommy and daddy, when she knows that she has not given everything. I know that I have not done that. I have Love Busted all over the place and I am making a conscience effort not to. We are at similar points, and I ask myself those same questions you ask yourself. My H says he is not going to have any type of contact w/ OW or the OC. He says he will pay c/s but anything other than that is not going to happen. Are you all going to counseling? Believe it or not we are the strong ones and the ones that have the most sense. I wonder sometimes, but I do believe that. My H tells me that he is hurting too and at first I could care less about his so called feelings. Now I am thinking that he is hurting too. He tells me he needs me and our marriage to stay together and that he made a bad mistake. It has taken me a while to even consider that being a mistake, but I guess it was. He says that the two of us together are much better as a couple than seperated and that we will get through this. Lostsoulmate, please try and get through one day at a time and hopefully one day we will both wake up and not think about it as much or as fiercely as we are now. People have told me on this board that it does get easier, but it is very hard. Also, know that your feelings and emotions are very normal and tell your H to expect these emotional rollercoasters to happen. My H was/is having a hard time w/ that. I am getting better though. Well, I guess I rambled on long enough. Take Care and don't make any hasty decisions.<P>Stefanie

Lostsoulmate, Remember that your H chose to stay with you so you all can make your marriage work. He could have very easily left to be w/ OW. He knows where he belongs. Please, don't give up yet, try and hang in there. We all will be here for you.<P>Stefanie

Lostsoulmate<P>Don't give up. Not on you(keep eating). And not on your husband. I know it's so hard to not love bust, but pray that you will be able to control it.<BR>Remember - the OW has an objective. Don't make it easy for her.<BR> (Been There)<P> CD<P>

LSM... you are going through normal stuff. Maybe not the weight loss (I tend to eat when upset & have gained all you have lost) . But seriously.. you may need to see your doctor & discuss medical issues. I am not one to jump to medication, but there is a time when that is necessary. <P>It takes time to adjust & work through this mess. Here are just some of the little things I do & tell myself..<P>I have not ever contacted OW. Basically she is a non-entity in my life. She has emotional problems in my opinion or she wouldn't have been pursueing married man. I try to stay distanced from those type folks. I will deal with contact after OC is born when that time comes. Then SHE can start worrying about me being her childs step-mother! (just a little piece of silliness that makes me laugh).<P>My objective is being the best parent I can possibly be. That means working to repair my marriage & being the adult. Like fedupinfl said... we have to go above & beyond. Our children deserve that. My greatest job in life is raising them. When all is said & done 30 years from now I don't want to regret what I failed to do for them. That is why doing this is "the right thing". It is not always about making the adults in this situation feel comfortable. We are adults & have had our shot at things. Don't cripple small children before they even get a shot. If it doesn't work & you have given it your best... well your heart will know you tried. Only those who don't try have regrets.<P>I do not allow this stuff to poison my soul. To do so is to allow evil in. Laugh every day, kiss your child, EAT something wonderful, treat yourself like the beautiful person you are.. remember you are a mother & that is a great thing. Running all the bad stuff through your head all day is not productive for you. Don't do it. Your child deserves better. Make a goal every day to live that day like none of this ever happened. You will eventually find that there actually begin to be days when you do feel ok. Fill up every day with some activity. <P>I wish I had more to give you in the way of coping tools. Tace care... Carolyn

Thank you Carlyn. You make me laugh. I had thought about the step mother thing. I would never hurt this baby. But imagine she will have to live the rest of her life knowing that when this baby is at my house with it's father it will be with me too. That's give me some strength.<P>And while I know growing up with two parents in your home is the best for my daughter. How do I know what's happening to me isn't affecting her in the long run? I am possitive she senses my pain.<P>I have to say you are a very wise person and very strong. I hope I can use your strength and widsom in my healing process. Thank you for your support. Laura

I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier. I can't seem to keep track of all my posts and responses. Thank you for your encouragement. I'm trying to keep eating and take care of myself. I agree with you on the OW and keeping contact. My husband said he's not sure what he feels about this baby. But that it's his and he does want contact with him/her. The baby is due in February next year. I keep praying that she'll change her mind about abortion and do the right thing for everyone. <P>Tell me do you know what the signs are that your daughter is under too much stress from all this? My little girl while she is turning two next week has been throwing tantrums and it unconsolable. I know it's part of terrible twos but how do I know we aren't putting her under unnecessary stress? <P>I know you're right about the OW saying things to hurt you. I think it's more to get me to leave my H because she feels he doesn't deserve to have either one of us. Who knows maybe she still wants him. I can't seem to tell truth from lie these days from anyone. I hope things get easier soon. The days are SOOOOO long. Thanks for your support babstr. Take Care. You are in my thoughts as well. Laura<BR>

LSM,<BR>I'm sorry that you have to be in this situation but I'm glad that you have found this forum. I know that feeling when everything in your world comes crashing down. I lost a lot of weight when I first found out about my H's affair and OC. I also cried and cried for a long time. But it does get easier as time goes on. <P>You and your H can recover from the devastation. My H and I have been in recovery for 17 months. The OC was born 10 months ago. Our marriage is not all great and wonderful yet (we have ups and downs) but we are working toward making it so. We have continued to go to counseling throughout this time. We are learning and discovering things about ourselves and about each other. <P>We have 3 children (they are 8, 3, and 2) so I know how hard it is to take care of them when you can barely function. All you can do right now is take care of your child to the best of your abilities. You need to ask your H to help out a lot. Remember that this is only temporary and eventually you will be able to be a better parent again. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey<P>

Thank you Audrey for your words of encouragment. I know I have to be strong for my little girl. I couldn't imagine having to do this with 3 children. I feel for you. Wish I could have been able to give you support at that time. <P>My husband and I ironically are closer than ever right now. But I can't help but think it's a lie. And when I think of the things he did and said to this girl and to me I pull away again. It's so hard not to just turn and run away. <P>So how have things been for you since this baby was born? You had 7 months to recover. My H and I will have 8. Did you fall back down again once the baby was born? Are you all in this childs life? Is it still as painful now to think of it as it was when you first found out? Do you still have hope for your future together? I'm sorry I'm bombarding you with questions. Excuse my spelling too. I hope you are doing well. Talk to you soon. Take Care. Laura<P>

Dear lostsoulmate,<P>I wanted to comment on your 2 year old. My daughter is going to be 2 in August. When I found all of this out in February, my H and I were crying alot. My daughter started acting different, upset and angry. But the breaking point for me was when she would cry in her sleep which she NEVER did. So right then and there I cleaned up my act. Not to say that things are perfect with my H and I or that our problems disappeared. My I have never cried in front of my daughter again, and we don't discuss anything that could become a heated arguement in front of her. The minute I quit crying all the time, she quit behaving differently. So I do believe they sense the problems and the stress. But I also believe that she is too young to have to deal with our very grown up problems. Her age has been a blessing in the fact that she can't understand what has happened. <P>I am trying to work on my marriage. I truly hope that she never knows what her father did. I know there might be a time in her life where I will have to tell her. But as far as I am concerned I will never bring my husband's shame onto my daughter. And the bottom line is I hope she never feels that shame towards her parents. I know alot of people here will disagree and feel that I will have to tell her. Sorry I rambled. <P>babstr.

Laura,<BR>It is wonderful to hear that you and your H are very close right now. I know that it is hard not to want to run sometimes but hang in there, your marriage can survive this ordeal. <P>Things have been going well for me and H, for the most part, since the OC was born. In some ways, I consider that to be the time when our marriage started to recover. We were very much at odds over how to resolve our involvement with the OC. My H felt very strongly about having contact with the OC. I was willing to have some contact but I was not sure how to handle it with our own children. We weren't ready to tell them that this was their half-sibling. We finally settled on "babysitting" the OC about once a month. Right after the OC's birth we did have some contact. I was relieved when my H told me that he did not feel the same immediate bond to this OC that he had felt for our own children. We visited the OC a few times at the XOW's house during the the first few months. It was very stressful but I didn't want my H going alone. We babysat the OC once at our house. That was the last time we have seen her. I needed some space to heal without dealing with the stress of visiting the OC. My H saw her a couple of times without me but that was hard on me also. So, right now we are concentrating on healing our marriage. I think that we can deal with the OC much better once our marriage is stronger. We continue to go to counseling. We are in group therapy (separate groups) to work on our own issues. We both have a difficult time in communicating our feelings which has makes it hard to stay connected. I believe that if we can overcome this hurdle, then we will have the kind of wonderful marriage that we want. <P>I hope this helps. I don't mind answering questions at all. I'm glad that I am able to help others.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey<BR>

Thank you Audrey for giving me some hope. I too feel that any involvement he should have with this child should include me. That the first time he sees it I should be there. His comment was he wondered what the OW would say. Is that really up to her? I would also like to be the main contact if anything is needed by the OW. Can I enforce this and how? Is this unreasonable?<P>I beleive we will be more involved with this baby than I would like. My husband stays home with our daughter and goes into work in the afternoon. That would mean he would be with this child. I told him I'd like to find a way for the drop off/pick up to be at a mutual location and for there some way to be no contact. For her to leave the baby somewhere and my husband pick it up from there. Can this be done? Is this unreasonable? Thank you again for your encouragement. I'm glad to hear your marriage is stronger now and that you and your H are traveling the same road again...together. Take Care. Laura

LSM,<BR>There are no rules or right and wrong in the situation that we find ourselves in. The closest model we can compare this to is that of a divorce, but there is much more involved due to the pain and trust issues that result from the betrayal. The important thing is for you and your H to agree on an outcome that works for you two. Your marriage needs to come first in order to create a healthy environment for your children and then for the OC. All the things that you suggest in your message are reasonable. But, again, the key is that your H must also agree to the resolution. You cannot prevent the XOW from contacting your H. But if your H agrees to you being the contact, then he will have to reaffirm your position any time she calls. <P>I hope this helps. <BR>Take care, Audrey