Background: married 5 years; 2 boys (3 and 4 mos.); husband has 5 yr old son from affair.<P>I am going crazy --- actually I am a basket case.<P>I have known about the child from the moment my husband found out she was preg. I decided to stay and stick things out (for better or worse???) My husband and I discussed the situation and decided that we would pay child support but not have contact. (Mainly because of my jealousy and the OW is a complete b***ch. --- she tried to run me over in the Kmart parking lot when I was pushing my 6 week old son in the buggy.) Now 5 years later my husband is feeling guilty and has decided that he wants to visit with the child. I am so against this. I have spent many days crying and confused if I am being unfair. I do not want to look this child in the face, much less have this manipulative woman become part of my life. I have decided that I would sacrifice my marriage (leave with my boys) so he could have a life with this child. I just can't be any part nor do I want my sons to be part of this situation. My husband loves me and our family very much and said he will not loose us over this child because we mean more than they do. He said he has no love for the child, he only feels guilty. He also hates the other woman and said that we would never have any other contact (if we went through with the visitation) other than pick up and drop off --my husband is not being realistic because she will find every reason to call, visit, manipulate, she is really an evil person and I don't only say this because I hate her -- she is not well liked in the small town that we are from.<BR>I do not want to lose my marriage. I love my husband and my sons are awed by his mere presence. We are in love and 90% of the time we are very happy. <BR>I do feel sorry for the child, but not so sorry that I want to have my oldest son have to share his bedroom with him. <BR>Perhaps I am a jealous, bitter, woman. I cry at the thought of my husband loving this child as he loves our children. I want to be the only woman that has given my husband the gift of his children I do not want her or her son placed equal to me. They would share this great gift of their son. Oh! The though angers me. <BR>Now, to make matters worse... my husband's sister and mother want to talk to me and try to make me welcome this child into my home. My husband said that I do not have to talk to them, but if I don't I will be uncomfortable each time I am in there presence. I have become the victim and the bad guy! -- what irony!<BR>I am going to see a marriage counselor (with my husband) next week. But, (jealous me) I am terrified that she will say that I am wrong and should welcome this child with loving arms. <BR>I am mainly looking for a friend. I don't think I have many at this point.

You are not alone, especially, here. Many here have felt the same feelings you have felt. Come back and keep posting, you will find support and encourage. You will also have a place to vent those feelings that you may not be able to share with anyone else. Good luck. Stay strong, remember to hug your children at night and whisper I love in your husband's ear before you sleep, (if you still love him after all this )

unfair:<P>Your feelings aren't "wrong" or "right"---they're just your feelings. You had an agreement with your husband (the old POJA) in which you would pay child support, but there would be no visits.<P>Now your husband wants to renegotiate this. That's fine (he's entitled to his feelings too)---and you should listen to what he has to say. Then, he should listen to what you have to say. And afterwards, you should see if you can negotiate a solution that you would both agree to (without any ultimatums). If you can't agree---then the issue should be settled that you both do nothing (no contact with the OC). <P>It's possible that you might want to try to attempt a set of visitations, in which there is no contact with the OW. It does seem as though you dealing with some very strong negative feelings about this child, however, so I'd make sure that your husband knows about this, and I'd probably suggest that you not attempt anything until you've worked through this. <P>It doesn't seem as though your husband is trying to push an ultimatum at you---he's just letting you know how he feels, and suggesting solutions. You should treat him with respect (no lovebusters), and try to let him know how you feel. I think the marriage counseling would be excellent---and you should definitely work on your jealousy. It's not an attractive emotion.

Dear Unfair:<P>I know how you are feeling. My H had an affair for two years. I found out about the child last December. The OC is 20 months old. We have two daughter (14 & 12). <P>All of the pain you are feeling, I have felt them. I found my strength in GOD. I look at this as a blessing because the OC is a boy. <P>I told my H that, yes I was hurt. I wanted to have his children only and it hurts me because someone else has his child and because it is a boy. <P>We have been married for 16 years, due to medical problems, tumors, etc., I can nolonger have children, I am 38.<P>I feel hurt, but also some type of joy. We are working on recovering before we fully bring this OC into our lives with our daughters. We are currently trying to get a DNA test done so that we will know without a doubt that it is my H own.<P>I decided that I the child did nothing wrong, his parents did. And I love children and don't want to see any child going without. So I have vow to help my H take care of the OC...not with money, but I will and am willing to buy clothes, shoes, sock, etc. (Because the OW has not taken the OC to have the DNA test done, we are not supporting the OC with money.)<P>I understand your pain, because we have the same type of pain. GOD Bless you! ITS<BR>

Unfair - your post - sounded like me writing it - everything you said is how I feel - and actually I got to the point (poor pathetic soul am I) that I was finally, gradually ready to accept the OC if we could somehow avoid contact with OW. My H and I together 14 years - 1 daughter - 3; OC is 1 1/2 (a boy) and when my H was 34 he had an affair with a 19 year old daycare worker that took care of our child and worshiped the ground she walked on - yeah and my husband's ground too - Nonetheless - since I know this OW and FEEL like she used my child to get to my H I hate her with a passion that knows no extinguishing - and you're exactly - right (especially if your OW) is like you say - she will use this situation to the hilt!!!! My OW still wants my H and even though I finally agreed to include the OC and I do like the OC and he likes me and it doesn't really bother me when he is around - it is the contact with HER. Plus - he is very sickly (allergies, eczema, etc.) and she calls my H all the time. He has promised for months and months and months that he will ONLY talk to her around me - - (we have tried to renegotiate this crap over and over) and we get nowhere. He is not able to understand my feelings at all. I have been at my lowest point the last week or so - and although I have to go pick up my D now from daycare and am pushed for time - I would love to communicate more directly with you on this. Hang in there and know that it sounds as if at least your H HATES this OW (while mine doesn't, and I fear that he is actually in love with her) and that your H did not want to have anything to do with the OC initially. (My H snuck around to see OC behind my back) and swore to me he wasn't - - - so at least he's approaching you the direct way. Don't hate yourself for the bitterness - selfishness - it's real and it's there and you are entitled to it! I'll write back in the a.m. <P>------------------<BR>

Unfair: I feel the same way. This OW has stolen the gift of child birth from me to my husband. Something we shared and cherished. While he won't be in the delivery room (I hope) there will still be a child brought into this world. My H says he doesn't think he'll feel the same for this baby as he does for our 2 year old daughter because he loves me and we had her together and he doesn't love her. But truth is this baby is his. And for my H blood runs thick. Not to mention this baby is part of my H whom I love deeply. If I can survive the pain and broken trust and broken everything I plan to try to accept this child. As a mother I cherish children and would only offer this baby my heart. True it would be painful looking into it's eyes an knowing where he/she came from. And I can't exactly ask my H not to see it. Can I? It's a part of him. For this to work with me I think I would have to have all the contact with OW. Not my H. I would pick up/drop off, etc. She would have to call me on anything she needed regarding the baby and I would discuss with my H. Not one on one contact. But he would have to abide by this. Remember, No contact. This baby isn't born I could be wrong and feel completely different when I see it and see it's relationship with my H. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. lostsoulmate

I don't know if I am qualified to address this since I am bailing on my marriage and my H's OC turns out to not be his after all, but I hope my opinion is welcome.<P>It sounds like you have some issues to work through before you and the child can be comfortable sharing the same space. I would explore that in counseling before you do anything. If your H is reasonable, he will see that you are making an attempt at seeing his point of view. That is all he can realistically ask.<P>I think your concerns about the counselor being judgmental and siding against you are real. This is a risk. My H went to a counselor and told her about the OC and she just said basically that I had to accept reality and welcome the child into our lives if we were to remain married. ...And then she met me and heard the other side of the story. You just never know what you are going to hear. Counselors are human too. Some are good and empathetic and some are not, but I think it's worth finding out what your real fears are and work on those.<P>I am not suggesting that you must allow visitation. I am just saying that to be fair, it is something you should try to see the other side of. You'd want your H to try if you needed something from him, right?<P>While you are in counseling, your H could also explore his issues of guilt. Maybe he doesn't need this after all? Maybe his guilt could be extinguished in some other way?<P>I also think your fears of a meddling, troublesome OW lurking in the background are real. How many of us deal with that! IF you decide visitation is ok, you MUST have some sort of acceptable arrangement about contact. She can't be allowed to use this child as a pawn for wrecking your lives. Your H must have the desire to preserve his family with you above all else or I think it's just trouble waiting to happen.<P>Don't let other people's opinions ruin your happiness. I know I cared far too much about what other people thought. It is not their business and not their life. They would certainly feel differently if they were the ones facing this issue. They aren't the ones bearing the pain, so don't give them power over you! You are not wrong to feel the way you do. You are not the bad guy. I have felt that too, but I know it's not true. <P>I really feel for you. I hope your counseling session goes well and that you and your H are able to come to a workable decision on this. I know it is hard.

Unfair,<BR>Welcome to the forum! I'm glad to hear that you and your H have been doing so well in recovery. I understand that it is difficult to think about allowing the OC into your lives when you and your H had agreed not to. The idea is new to you and you therefore need the time and space to consider whether or not you can deal with it. I think that this is something that you and your H need to work through. Your MIL and SIL need to stay out of it. I have to wonder whether they are pressuring your H to include the OC and making him feel more guilty. I wish the best in working through this situation.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey<p>[This message has been edited by Audrey (edited June 23, 2000).]

Welcome unfair,<P>I have limited time on the computer so I will write more in a few days, right now I am out of town. Just wanted to welcome you to our group. I understand everything your feeling, and I have to say your present situation is my future fear. My H says he wants no contact with the OC and everyday I wonder if this will change. <P>I am not sure I could ever we open about changing the past decision. I am into this fresh though, so maybe in time things could change. I doubt it. Sorry I don't want to sound negative. I just understand your anger and your hurt. I will watch for more posts, once again welcome.<P>babstr.