I want to thank all of you for your warm wishes and advice. <BR>I wish that I would have found this site 5 years ago when this mess began. I know that had I have had more support in the beginning I would have handled this situation very differently. But, there aren't many "do overs" in life are there?<BR>That is why I am so scared to make the wrong decisions now. I can't take back anything that I say or do. I walk on egg shells around my house. I am scared that I may be watching a talk show about paternity and my H will walk in and then "it" happens. My H draws up, get super quiet, and stays within himself for several hours. I don't want to have to be scared that I am watching the "wrong" thing --- that the program will evoke feelings that he is often unwilling to share. (However, he has been great with sharing lately --- since I said I would leave him.) <BR>I am luck that I have a great husband --- that may shock some of you to hear me say that condisering this forum. But, he is. This happened before we married; we were living together and engaged. I have no doubt that he has been faithful and would never stray again. This is a man who calls me 10 times a day just to say "I love you". He privately arranges for babysitters so we can be alone for the weekend, he is a wonderful father. My oldest son is attached to his hip from the moment he comes in from work. I should be the happiest person, and I would be if it wern't for his "new plan".<BR>By him springing this visitation idea on me five years into the game isn't fair. And, he never would have had he not been assulted by the OW in Winn Dixie back in February.(She chased him down yelling "There's your daddy... Do you want to talk to your daddy?... There's your no count daddy over there!" --- And let me tell you she was loud!) This, needless to say, embarassed the h*ll out of my husband. It was the first time that he had ever seen the child in five years. <BR>I think that I may feel differently about the OW had this have been some child that was "knocked-up" and didn't know any better. But, she had two other children and was 35 years old. She knew what she was doing. Had she have placed the child up for adoption like we asked this would not be an issue today. She chose to be a single parent. She knew (because she was raising 2 other kids) that it would be hard. She knew that we wanted no part and she still made the choice to keep the child. Why is it that the women have all the choices? They can force someone to be a parent or they can take that pleasure away. The man has no choice. <BR>I have read that several of you are upset about the CS payments. I am also, because that is $400 that I would like to spend on my children each month. But, I always said that in some way it was the price we paid because we wern't physically there for the child. I grew to overlook the CS and view it as a 19 year loan. <BR>Well, this has become a very long message. <BR>I mainly want to say thank you to all who have responed to my first post. It is so great to have your support! <BR>

Hi unfair??,<P>It amazes me that so many people can have those same feelings I have. I AM normal. I was beginning to wonder!! LOL. Just a thought, read Leelee's post, sounds like you are in the same kind of situation. I am sure she could use your wisdom and experience!<P>I hate those paternity talk shows. Just a little more salt in the wound. OUch!<P>I think it is unfair for your husband to all of a sudden want to be in OC's life. I don't even think it is good for the OC. He made a decision and now he must stick by it. She too made a decision to keep the child and raise it as a single mother. There are many 2-parent families out there she could have given it to. He must think of his marriage and his children that were born and conceived in love. It is very different. Anyone can be a sperm donor and that is just what these women want. But he is your childrens father.<P>Well, just my little thoughts. Take care and I enjoy this board. I found some new friends I hope!!

About the paternity talk shows... <BR>Don't you just love it when the girl is wrong!--LOL <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by unfair???:<BR><B>About the paternity talk shows... <BR>Don't you just love it when the girl is wrong!--LOL </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>yes!!! but then i only wish it would happen to us!! but oh well, at least it happens for some people!! <P>

I am glad you have found this sounding board. The folks here & information passed is a world of wealth to me. <BR>I hope you can figure out a way to deal with your H and his desire for visitation. The OC in our case isn't born yet & I well know that what he says now (doesn't want contact, etc.) could change later. We always had an agreement that no $$ would be spent without joint decision if over $200 would be spend. Then HE goes and does this! Talk about unfair! <P>on a serious note... I have a brother who did almost the EXACT same thing as your H. My sister-in-law didn't know until child was several years old. SIL and my brother had a child just a year younger. To top it all off she found all this out just at the same time as being diagnosed with breast cancer. I really don't know how she held it togther. Anyway, she decided that since she & my brother would have no more children that it would be a positive in her childs life to have a sibling. She welcomed the OC and participated more than my B did in the OC life. The OC became sort of like a cousin in their life. I was always amazed at how well SIL handled this. God only knows where the strength & courage came from.<P>Eventually the OW & OC sort of faded away. I think the OC really didn't enjoy visits & wanted to play in his neighborhood, etc. It is a CS only type relationship now. <P>One bad thing, the OC saw a higher standard of living in my SIL & B home (since she worked & had PHD & very good income). I think OC went home asking for same style of living that he saw his half-sister having. Didn't matter that my SIL provided that with her income. So a little bitterness developed there. But the OW subjected her child to that when she made decision to raise child as a single parent. <P>So you may want to try holding your breath & living through a visitation. Being a support to your H seems to have become a full-time job & God knows you should get a break. But maybe fighting it will just split you two. You may want to discuss with him what is really in the best interest of the child. Is this just his guilt trip? Easing his guilt may actually bring more harm to the child (as I mentioned in tale of my brother). Either way.. stay there beside your H on your JOINT decision. If child does visit, make sure he sees you in the picture & doesn't get some delusion of being able to just come visit your H and live in a pretend world of the two of them. You need to present the picture of a complete family. Your children may also learn from this example of how the two of you deal with problems. And who knows... ten years from now the image of an unplanned pregnancy & the long term results may be the lesson that prevents this from happening to one of your children. As you can probably tell, I try to search all corners for a upside to this situation. I probably go a little far sometimes. <P>Good luck in your efforts to work on this. Carolyn