Hi to everybody. My husband had an affair about 2 months shy of our 1st anniversary. He told me about it soon after our anniversary, it had been when we were having some major problems and it was with an ex-girlfriend. When he told me I was devastated, but because I loved him and he had been honest with me, I decided to stay and work things out. We have now been married for 4 1/2 years and are happier than ever. But, of course, we don't really have a happy ending. <P>We found out about a year later that the OW had had a child and rumors were that it was my H's. He told me about it and they had talked but she told him that she had wanted to be a mom and she didn't want anything from him. He did not want to have anything to do with OC since it was not concieved out of love, and he felt nothing for her. I didn't really want him to have a relationship with the OC but told him that I would support whatever he decided. So, we lived in peace?? for about 2 years until recently. She is now taking him to court for child support. So, all those feelings that I had worked thru are all back. <P>I think about the OC constantly and of course the child support issue. I get so furious sometimes. Why do bad things happen to good people? All I ever wanted was a happy marriage. And now I have this. None of my family know, I am too ashamed and also don't want anyone to hate my H. He is a wonderful man and I love him. Any advice for me? I am alone and the only person I can talk to about this is the one who caused it. <P>Thanks for listening!

happy_girl,<P>Welcome! I'm glad you've found us, there are alot of great, supportive people here.<P>I know those furious feelings, I've had them quite often lately. I also know how it can be just wanting to talk about it all, and having no one else to talk to about it than H. While it can be effective sometimes, sometimes all I want is to just rant and rave and moan about how unfair this is to me! Here is the perfect place to do that. I've also received wonderful advice from others who have gone through nearly identical circumstances.<P>It must be really hard right now. I imagine this feels like yet another slap on the face. It's easy to consume your mind with all these issues. I know I'm world's worst about it! Does your H have an attorney yet? That would be one of the first moves he should make. The thing that makes all this especially hard is that this is an ongoing situation. It never fully goes away. As the child gets older, the OW may file for more CS. <P>Stay strong, and keep posting.

Welcome!<BR>You are not alone, I thought that I was too until I found this site about a week ago. I knew I wasn't the only one, but I had no idea that there was actually a support group of this type. This is a great place and you will get a lot of support here. <BR>I understand what you are going through, we all do. You have to stay strong. <BR>My H also wanted nothing to do with OC. We paid our CS and went on with our lives. Now, 5 years later, he has been confronted by the OW and OC. He is starting to feel tremendous guilt and mentioned that we may have a change in game plan. This has devestated me and rocked our marriage. My advice to you is to sit down for a long talk. Discuss any possible future situations and how they will be handled. If you choose to stay away from the child--- discuss the possibility of being confronted 15 years from now. What if the OC shows up on your door step? Talk about every possible situation -- no matter how far fetched they seem. If you get everything out and on the table --- even if what he has to say may hurt some --- you will be stronger in the future. My husband and I sat down 2 nights ago. We started about 7pm and finished about 3am. Our talk started at the kitchen table, then the den, patio, and finally in the car (I wanted ice cream about 2:30). We did not take the discussion to the bedroom because it would have been to easy to lay down and say "I'm tired, we'll talk about this later." He opened up to me like never before. It has helped us so much. <BR>Our final decision was to compose a letter to the OW. It said that while she may not agree with our choices, she is to remain out of our lives completely. She should have no contact with our family. And that we would --- we promised--- to have a talk with the child, when he was old enough to understand, and explain why we have done what we have. <BR>We may never be forgiven by the child, but we will once again be sane within our home. My husband and I also signed a contract with each other, so we wouldn't have any surprises in the future. I do not have to worry that he may change his mind later.<BR>Good luck!<BR>vgb

To tryingtomoveforward & unfair?<P>Thanks for your reply. I never knew there was a board out there like us. I used to go the the infidelity.com boards but there were hardly anyone in my situation and I never felt at home there. Then, something told me to go there and I happened to stumble up a post with this forum listed. I was so happy. Not that I was happy that there were actually enough people out there to form a discussion board, but happy that I found somewhere I could talk with others like me. <P>None of my friends are in my situation and while I have a few who's husbands have a first child, it was conceived before the marriage which makes it very different. Even though the child support issues etc are the same, it is much more accepted by family and society. We on the otherhand are in a differnt situation.<P>I do applaud all who have made a room in their family for the OC but I don't think I am a good enough person to do that. I just can't deal with all that it brings. I am only 24 so maybe to immature. I do worry about the OC and have asked and double checked many times with my H to make sure he is sure he wants no relationship with the OC. Luckily for me she seems content on not talking to us, just taking us to court for money, . Not that that is something to smile about.<P>For months I agonized over it and finally had to ask a priest what our moral obligation was and he said to our family. That of course we must pay child support to OC, but that the OW could have chosen the best for the child by putting it up for adoption. So, I did feel a little better after that. I too have asked my husband what he will do when years later the OC comes to us. He said he will just be honest with her. It won't be any worse that what the mother will have already told her. I thank God I will never have to explain that to my children, "oh, I wanted a child so I made one with a married man." <P>The thought of having our own kids actually terrifies me now. I always wanted to wait and have a family that would be stable and now we will one day have to explain this. What will they think of their mommy and daddy. <P>Well, I have rambled on and on, just so glad to have someone to talk to. Thanks you two who wrote back. I really needed it. Take care and God Bless.<P>happy_girl

Welcome, happy girl. As always, I'm sad to meet another person in this situation but glad that we have such a wonderful support system. I definitely agree that your family has to come first. The most important thing is that you and your H agree on a solution that works for both of you. I'm glad to hear that you and your H are doing well. Has your H had a DNA test done yet? If not, you need to get one. Take care, Audrey

<BR>happy_girl,<P>We've already since instances in this very forum where some OW tried to perpetrate a mispaternity (see popeye's posting). Audrey is right, if the OW decides to sue for CS, DEMAND a DNA test. Under NO circumstances should he waive a DNA test - once a man gets nailed to the income shares cross, even a later DNA test won't get him off that cross (men get one and only one chance to litigate paternity - don't screw this up). See a lawyer as soon as possible. We are talking roughly 25% of his net income in CS, so saving a few bucks on a lawyer up front is BAD economics, IMO.<P>Bystander