Hello, I'm new here and I hope I don't get blasted. But in my situation I am the OW.

I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would end up in this position. We met on the internet back in July and he freely admitted right from the beginning that he was married (less than a year) and was only looking for a friend to talk to. We became close friends. Eventually he confided in me the troubles he was having in his marriage. I began to suspect he was feeling something more for me than friendship, as my own feelings for him were something I was struggling hard to keep under control.

We ended up admitted to each other how we feel about each other. We are deeply in love. Last month we met in person for the first time (which is hard to do--he lives in another country a long way away from me). How is it even possible that I developed such strong feelings for a man before I had even met him?

I didn't even know before I met him that I would want him to leave his wife. But I do! I want a lifetime with this man! I'm 38 years old and I've never felt this way about anyone before...

And now the agonizing wait to see whether he will leave her or not..... it's driving me insane and I'm crying as I write because I'm so afraid he won't... he says he still loves her, too. And other reasons why he can't leave-- like she's completely dependent on him financially--despite having a law degree herself.

But there are also encouraging signs. He's talked with her, told her about the things in their relationship that are making him so unhappy. He's done this numerous times over the years (they've been together about 16 years though only married for 1). And she always ignores him, pushes him away, refuses to even talk to him about their problems. Finally he has told her that either she starts at least trying to address their problems or he is going to find someone else. He didn't tell her he'd already found someone else because he doesn't want her to suspect about me and interfere with any future plans we may make to get together. Is it wrong of me to hope that she won't make the changes he requests? How likely is it that a woman who has been closed, cold, and frigid for all these years even _could_ change to be the passionate lover and best friend he wants?

Why does a man leave his wife?

I'm sorry if my post brings pain here to those who are the wife who has been left. Please know that I, too, am in great pain...

A

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Do you really want a man who is willing to cheat on his wife???? Look for someone in the country where you are at. The must be single guys where you live.. join a group or something and stay away from married men.
Do you really think he is telling you the complete truth? Don't be naive. If you continue on this path you will be destroying a family you don't even know. Yes I'm a betrayed spouse and I can tell you that WS tell what they want you to hear. Don't ;et him break your heart because thats what is going to happen.
Look for someone who doesn'y begin a relationship with lies and deceit. Don't contact him or let him contact you. There are others on this site who can help you thru because they have been there before. I'm not blasting you and wish you the best but I doubt the best is with him...
SH01

A couple of things: there's a saying 'if he did it with you, he'll do it to you'. It came about because it's true so often. Worst of all, though, is that the success rate for marriages which started with affairs is real bad. I don't have the exact number handy but I recall it being something dreadful - like 5%.

There is a peculiar factor to Internet relationships; you can feel *very* close very soon. Don't believe in it; it's mostly wishes and an ideal you've created. I know people, including me, who have crashed and burned on this illusion. Run far and run fast. If he truly loves you and if his marriage is truly over, then he can come find you again when he's divorced. Tell him that and then get far, far away from him.

Remember, that this cold, frigid woman he is with....he CHOSE to marry. He's infatuated now and can only see her negative qualities and your positive ones. Do you want him saying those nasty things about you one day? You have about a 5% chance of being in a lasting relationship with this cheater. Who will likely cheat ON you. I wouldn't consider that 'encouraging' as you put it.

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

((Anemarie)): you are in pain and some of us can understand it but if you want to be well, you have only one choice to make that is the right one.

Please take a second hard look at the reality of the situation..any man who would keep a woman on a string for 15 years before marrying her has BIG issues of unhealthiness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He is having his cake and eating it, too, with you. You are being taken advantage of and putting your life on hold for something that will never amount to anything but pain.

You are in tune with the pain of betrayed wives--but you also are sadly being betrayed--and betraying yourself.

I don't say these things to judge you because I made my own mistakes. I want you to open your eyes to the wonderful world around you, full of opportunities to start over and REALLY love life itself...you can recover and rebuild. It's not impossible. After all, 'tis the season of miracles right now.

I hope you will keep posting and we can celebrate some new healthy choices for your life with you soon.

Hugs to you.