<small>[ January 31, 2003, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: DJ58 ]</small>

What matters is not whether other people would call it infidelity, but what you think:
What is Infidelity?

Everyone will have a different definition. To me, it would not be "infidelity", but the fact that he was doing it behind my back would definitely make me feel lied-to and betrayed. Nevertheless, I would be upset and want to discuss it with him. It may not be that he is unsatisfied with you, but that he has a problem leaving porn alone...esp. if he has a fetish (such as feet) that he may not feel able to share.

Why not discuss this with him, being careful not to come across as angry or accusatory, but find out more about why he does this, and discuss how both of you feel on the issues?

Perhaps an exchange between another poster and I will be helpful to you: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My point was simply that I believe that pornography use encourages the habit of non-emotionally connected sex, and is therefore detrimental to one's sexual relationship with one's spouse. I was wondering if there was anyone (especially men) reading who used pornography and dis-agreed. I put a question mark after your initials because it seemed obvious from your posts that you "got" the emotional side of sex. So, if you thought pornography use was helpful rather than detrimental, you would be a credible source for another point of view. I was curious about whether you agreed w/ me or not.|
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Committedhusb:

Got it.

I actually don't think that it is a pure up-down question. Pornography is in many, perhaps most, cases, a raging negative and a powerful drug that, if indulged, is insidiously compulsive and can ruin lives, marriages, and careers. Commercial porn is ugly and demeaning to women, exploitative, and insulting to a loving wife just as any distraction that removes the erotic focus of a marriage on the mysterious interaction between spouses described by Ecclesiastes (if memory serves in my dotage), when he noted that he didn't understand "the way of a man with a maiden".

But there is another side to this, as there is for most issues. Erotica can also, for some, those who are not subject to being controlled by compulsions (some people can drink and never be captive, some smokers, such as my late father-in-law, can decide after 25 years at age 40 that he doesn't want to do this any more and never miss it- basically, people who routinely eat just one Lay's potato chip), be a relief from frustration that can affect life in other negative ways, including marriages. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually STRONGLY disagree that there can be another side (and this is an area where I am not personally very "addictable", I think, even though porn does attract me.), because I don't see any way that porn cannot have a negative effect on a healthy sex life, and I think a healthy sex life is extremely important to a healthy marriage. I feel that way much more strongly now that my sexual relationship with my wife has improved over what it was for the first 17 years of our marriage. D-day for us was the launch point of a learning process that has led us to a much better relationship in all ways, including sexual, and I almost feel like we are REALLY married for the first time.

I would encourage you not to leave this issue unaddressed. For more on how pornography affects men, and about men's sexual expression in general, read Hart's "The Sexual Man". I wish every woman understood what Hart writes about. I especially wish my wife had known this early in our marriage. Frankly, I wish I had known...See if your husband will read it, too.

A warm thank you to all that replied, I plan to read the book suggested. My husband and I have been discussing this topic and things seem to have become clearer for me. Thank you all.

<small>[ December 22, 2002, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: DJ58 ]</small>

I thought it had become clear at one stage, then it didn't just get worse it got out of control and became an honesty issue. After making me feel like a nagging wife and the promise of I just won't buy any more porn it became even clearer to me, his collection was growing, he was sneeking at any oportunity to purchase more vids/mags, when ever I was out he was veiwing, when I was asleep he was veiwing, he even avoided going places with me and the children so he would be at home on his own, I really had enough when he never lifted a finger, he would spend 3 hours on the net veiwing porn before I got up but couldn't even press the start button on a washing machine, if I rang the number our modem is connected to 5 minutes after I left the house it would be engaged, if I rang it 5 minutes before returning it would be engaged but by the time I walk into the house he would be on the lounge reading a newspaper, all that happened after I told him that it bothered me was it went underground, after saying how he hadn't gone looking for porn on the net or at shops for a long time I pulled out the 43 new videos and the printed out the temp internet files for him to show him how hurtful his lies were, I put a dot with a marker on the spine of all of the vids so when more and more without spots turned up I knew that they were new, I superglued my wedding ring to the monitor and left unanounced for a few days with my children, upon my return he made the same promises yet again, it is all still the same only difference is they are new DVD's not video's, so how stupid do I feel? I have made it clear that it is a turn off to me sexually and emotonally but it continues, all I see it as is a total lack of respect to our marriage and to me personally, I know that masturbation is a normal human funtion and there wouldn't be to many men without some form of porn but the hundreds of items he has and the lying is so so hurtful, as strong as I try to be it is still hurtful, it has distroyed any thought in my self respect that I am a valuable lovable female, it has made me very depressed and the only option left is to do what I never thought I would, leave him for good?