My wife and I have been married for nearly 9 years, together for nearly 15. About 5 years into our marriage I brought up the subject of swinging. It both excited me, and I thought it would be a way for my wife to achieve the satisfaction I wasn't giving her. We have tried it a few times with different people. I thought everything was OK, she would get extremely excited when it happened, and said she felt it made us closer together.
For me it hurt emotionally, but I learned to change my hurt into excitement so she could continue to achieve the enjoyment I thought she wanted.
Recently we had relations with friends of ours. We both remarked how nice it was that we had friends we could be completely open and honest with. We always said openness and honesty was the only way to go,and the only way this arrangement would work.
Four days ago she told me she no longer loved me the way she should. She says she loves me like a friend, and has felt this way for a couple of years. She wants to leave, she says it's because I "Gave Her Away" and she doesn't feel like I am happy with her as a wife. She says it has nothing to do with anyone in particular, she doesn't want sex anymore, she says when she has sex she feels like a whore.
She says she has no feelings for me romantically, or emotionally other than friendly emotions. But sometimes when we have deep discussions and we talk about our problems she cries. She says it's because she knows she's hurting me. She hasn't left, we still sleep in the same bed, she still hugs me, holds my hand and tells me she loves me. The only thing that has changed since she told me is she now sleeps in PJ's (She never did before) and says because I now know that sex is out of the question.
I'm confused. Does she still love me? Is this a way for her to get back at me for hurting her so bad? Is there hope for our marriage? I need help, advise, guidance, anything.....
TM1994

It's been over 2 weeks now. We spent a week in Florida on a planned family vacation, and we've made it through Christmas. A lot has changed since my last post. We have began marriage counseling, I continue to tell her and show her how much I Love Her, we still sleep together; but she doesn't say I Love You as much anymore, doesn't try to hold my hand or give me a hug unless she see's I'm broken down, and we've had sex.
I don't understand it. She says she doesn't need or want it, but we still do it. Does this make any sense? When we do she will not allow me to make love to her, it has to be sex, no emotion at all.
She has started drinking more too. Not much, but now she will have a couple of glasses of wine, she says that's the only way she can relax around me. This is also when we have sex; don't know if it has any relation or not, but I think it does.
I still catch her showing emotion sometimes, but it's very brief and she supresses it immediately. She also acts very differently around the friends I mentioned in the first post. I've asked her, and she says she's not fooling around, but I'm not sure I believe her. I think she has feelings for him and is afraid or ashamed to admit it, even to herself. I've thought about tapping the phone, etc to see what they talk about, but I'm not sure if that would be a good idea.
Please help, I know I'm an A** and don't deserve much, but I feel like I'm dying and I don't know what to do or where to go.

My wife is doing the same thing, almost exactly like yours. Its been going on for almost four months and I'm moving out. I'd recommend you keep her going to therapy, at least then she will have to think about and talk about the relationship. I hate to tell you this, but she's "checked-out" as my wife put it. You, like me, missed the better part of the warning signs long ago. Its not fair, you deserve a working chance now that you realize. I don't for the life of me know what you were thinking with the swinging stuff, that was a dumb move. But none-the-less, you deserve a working chance. Your probably not going to get it because she is engaged with someone else, she might not be screwing anybody, but still engaged in some manner. Something emotionally engaging, thats were her strengh to look you in the eye and say I want out is coming from. Lastly, I recommend that you stop pursueing her because its not working, stop sobbing around her and build yourself up by being with friends & family and staying active. Go the the gym, go out to dinner, friends house and your own counciling. Stay occupied in order to build yourself up again. You won't have a chance in hell if you stay a slobbering mess, who wants to go back to that. And if it doesn't go your way, which it probably won't, you'll be better equiped to get through the days.
I still have bad moments, bad days where I wander in disbelief bearly keeping it together, but i've learned to stop beating myself up by distracting myself. I work out and go out, don't sit at home thinking myself into a mess. Thats not happening, thats bad stuff. I did nothing wrong, I did the best with the relatioship I had, I could have done better but I didn't realize it at the time. I wish you good Luck.

Thank you Peter. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I know it's what I need to hear.

I've tried to be strong, I won't let her see me cry, but she knows I'm depressed and I can't hide it. That is when she tries to comfort me. I don't want to push her away, but at the same time I don't want her pitty if she doesn't really want to give it either.

She does still talk to our friend, and so do I. We don't have many friends, and unfortunately we've slept with all of them (3). I asked her not to be with him, or talk to him anymore, and she became very upset and said I was trying to control her again by taking away her friends. She did agree to not be with him, but she tries to hide the fact that she talks to him. Any advise on that one?

I know our situation is unique, and we are both very ashamed of our actions (I think she is, I know I am). But, we cannot change the past, only try to fix the future and become better people, and hopefully a better couple.