Iam trying like mad to plan A my husband to death. Maybe I am trying too hard or expecting too much too soon. I know I am an impatient person and a "Fixer" while he is more a passive person. He is home (good sign) working daily with OW who is pregnant(bad sign). I want him to be more affectionate etc. Last night I invited an old friend of his and his wife over for a barbeque and we had a great time taking about the old days etc. He even said thankyou when the evening was over for inviting them. Last night after he went to bed I left him a letter on the kitchen counter about all the things I love and admire about him. It was not sappy but just appreciative.(emotional need - admiration - is something he needs alot of). I left it where he would see it before he went to work. When I got up this morning it was still on the counter without a response, thankyou or anything else. In the old days he would have written something else back or called first thing in the morning. I am not going to call him at work I am going to play it cool. (cool is very difficult for me) I am hoping he says something or makes some kind of gesture. I know it is needy on my part but this plan a is hard when you are second guessing and hoping you are doing the right thing. I know eveeryone says be patient but patience is not one of my virtues. I am trying to focus on the day. And have been getting good advice from this board. Thankyou all.

Quakermom321,<P>What about counseling? Is your H attending?<P>Hang in there. I'm praying for you.<P>CD

I agree with CD, you should talk to your H and ask him if he would be interested in going to some Counseling. It help us ALOT at the begining, we learned about communicating and being honest with each other. <BR>I am praying for you!<BR>Fambis

We are going individually to the same counselor. We went once together and then she said we should go singularily for a while. Unfortunately my husband has really only seen her 2x individually with his comings and goings and she is on vaction right now till next week. I've seen her maybe 8 times. I would like to communicate more openly but my husband is resistant and that makes me feel he is either not sure still what he wants even though he says he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be or maybe not entirely truthful about things yet. Either way this is a terrible way to live and I'm feeling worn down. I try to be hopeful but I need some small sighns from him I guess that he is as committed to repairing our marriage as I am. I think he thinks being here is his contribution. But maybe I think too much.

<BR>Why did your counselor ask you to go in separate meetings? <BR>Fambis

Quakermom321: I understand all too well about impatience. I too am eager to get on with things. When my husband is in the least bit emotionally distant I pounce. Very hard not to LB when you want to rip his head off for doing this to you. At the same time feeling the love you've always had for him and probably always will. My H and I have not started counseling yet. Can't seem to find one in our area yet. Still trying. Leaving messages etc. But I think it will help.<P>Also when in Plan A I do expect the same in return. But have since learned that you can't expect the same. I learned we often interact with our S the way we would want them to interact with us. And that's not the case. YOu have learn and know how they interact with you and accept that's who they are. While I am showering my H with love, attention, communication, reassurance, on and on. I'm getting some in return but not compared to what I'm giving. It's hard for me to just accept that. It makes me angry. So be careful. I know you want to move on and it's such a slow process. Remember it takes several months even years to recover from this.<P>But I also have a concern with showering my H with this attention. I wonder if he thinks "I've got her back where I want her". So I'm careful when he doesn't respond with the same reassuring words that I just let it be. Don't say anything and back off on the affection for a while (meaning hours, maybe days). Or just minimize it a little. I don't want to scare him off either. Thinking I can't live without him. One think my H always loved about me was my independence. I scared him off briefly with the "dependency thing" when we were kids. I don't LB during this just don't overdue it.<P>People might disagree but at this point I don't really have all the answers so I go with my gut feelings.<P>Hang in there. True he's there with you. Maybe only physically for now. But that's the first step. He'll come back. Look him in the eyes every night. Tell him you love him. Tell him you have hope that you'll find each other again. Because you will. And then you can start your journey again...together. It's hard work. Harder than I ever dreamed. But it will work out for you. Either way. Keep us posted. I have my fingers crossed. Take Care of yourself. Laura

Fambis - our counselor had us coming individually because he has a lot more issues to work out. When he first saw her individually he wasn't even sure he wanted to bother trying to save the marriage (Hurt hurt, hurt) Since he has returned home he has seen her once and then she went on vacation, his next app. is Fri the 7th but I think she'll keep it individual for a while so he can work on the resentment and garbage .<BR>LostSoulmate - I want to much too soon. Plus the fact that he works with the girl that is pregnant makes me crazy. I am the one who says I love you then he says it back. I am the one who hugs then he will hold me. I know it is a long process and I think this might be how some of my anger about the whole affair is manifesting itself. I want some positive feedback. I have been so good ,so understanding, so patient I am getting tired. I want to save my marriage but the fear of the unknown and the onesidedness of all the affection makes me feel empty and like I am being a dupe. This is also major PMS talking I know I'll feel better and more positive in a few days but right now I feel like I want to shake him. I know what you mean about showing too much. I have the fear that my husband will think I'm being manipulative if I do things that I think will bring us closer together. But isn't that what I'm supposed to do? However one of the problems in our relationship is that I was always "management" and he was always "labor". It is sad because we both allowed those roles to take place but now he blames me and resents me for them (more work for the counselor). Well thank you again to all. It really is helpful tobe able to post on here.

quakermom321,<P>i think everything you are thinking and feeling are perfectly normal. why are the one's who did nothing always the ones trying so hard to fix things and make them work? it can be frustrating. my H is usually very supportive but sometimes he gets frustrated and acts like it wasn't him who got us into this whole mess. but i guess they have their moods too. <P>"one day at a time, sweet jesus..." words to live by. who knows what tomorrow will bring, and we have enough to do today without worrying about tomorrow. but always easier said than done. you are doing your best and it seems like giving all you can. your H needs to put in his 100% too. don't think anything is your fault, you are trying. it must be so hard to know he works with this girl. i admire you for being able to deal with it. hang in there. PRAY. take care!!<P>happy_girl

I just posted a response to Daycare Disaster regarding an attitude adjustment and I read your post and decide that this is something we must all focus on. We ALL need to adjust our attitudes and develope a stronger persona and not accept and take on the Wayward Spouses blame game. Refuse to accept it, force them to own it themselves.<P>This can be done by writing a list of all issues and a short explanation of the history of 'events' that cause the WS confusion of why things happened (cause and effect).<P>My spouse blamed me for the demise of our business when it was in fact his sole responsibility. I was not the one who engaged in reckless fiscal behavior where our business was concerned. I opposed his proposal to do many dangerous things to/for the business. <BR>I hate to say it, but I was right on each and every count, except for the deicing service we provideed to the airport for a season. That worked well. The others did not, the rest were money loosers. <P>Spouse resented my opposition and hence, the problems with us began. He resented my pragmatic and logical advise and ignored me and went ahead spending thousands and thousands of dollars of our money on risky ventures, embezzling money to buy clothes, cars, trips to NY and Texas to see his new "friend" and ultimately destroying everything we ever worked for in just one year. Incredible.<P>So, make your list, honestly and completely and show it to him in a non-judgmental way. Tell him you know he believes you are responsible for problems that are not of your doing, that you have tried to do everything humanly possible for the good of the marriage and the family. You can apologize if you wish for anything you may have INADVERTANTLY done, but your intentions were pure. Remind him that we all make mistakes and if you are generous enough to forgive his (huge-but don't say it) mistakes, then he can surely be magnanimous to forgive your (small-but don't say it) mistakes. <P>Tell him you are not going to allow him to beat you down about it, you are not accepting his assessment of the situation, nor are you pointing any fingers and you hope that he will take it in the spirit for which it was intended. <BR>Tell him it is time for you to move forward together and for you both to bury the wrongs of the past, the resentments and to honestly acknowledge both of your parts in the situation and take responsibility for your own actions. <BR>Tell him that blaming is not constructive and that you are not blaming him for what he did, so it's the LEAST he can do is to stop blaming you. Perhaps he thinks if he blames you for something, it is somehow excusing him for what he has done, sort of evening the score. <P>Your Plan A is NOT manipulation. Think of it as a wonderful gift you are giving your husband. Continue with letters, notes, cards, even get him some flowers and set the table with candles and make him feel special and see how much you want this to work. The closeness will come. <BR>You are still in the early stages. It took my husband five months to get close to me after he came home, and it only happened after I decided that my Plan A wasn't working and decided to end the marriage. What I did was post a story on this forum called "My Once In a Lifetime". <BR>I printed it up and left it on the table and left for three days. He read it and it shook him to the core and out of his malaise. He said the power of the printed word was astounding to him...that I had been saying much of what I had written verbally, but it wasn't until he had read it that it had made such an impact on him. Everything changed after that. <BR>While I was gone, he called me several times on my cellphone telling me how much he loved me and when I got home and walked in the door, he grabbed me and held me as if his life depended on it.<P>This was one year ago this month.<P>It's time for all of us to abandon our timidity and to act "as if"...as if we are confident, as if we are strong, as if we care but not at the expense of sacrificing our self respect...to be kind, loving, respectful of them and do all the special romantic things that we did for them when we were courting, but do it in the spirit that it is fun for you and you are enjoying it and not being manipulative...that giving love and fun and happiness to them gives you pleasure and enjoyment and that the reason you are doing this is to build fun new memories and to show them how special they are to us. <BR>That is what you did when you planned the barbeque. He appreciated it and thanked you. The letter was an excellent touch, too, even if he didn't say so...again, the power of the printed word. <BR>Now try cards...buy two, one heartfelt, deep and soul inspiring, the other light, funny and even a little dirty--what the heck. Make it fun. Make him glad he's here with you. Become his new "OW'...out OW the OW. We should all become what we were in the beginning and maintain it, because that is really who we were. It attracted them once.<P>I think we make the mistake of getting complacent and allowing the daily grind to grind us down into shells of our former selves. It isn't really our fault that life intrudes and fills our days and nights with taking care of the mundane. The fallout that occurs is when we allow that to over take our lives; it causes us to loose ourselves. We forget what we were like.<P>Stay focused and develope a sense of self. Popeye had a wonderful sense of self and refused to compromise herself by groveling and wimping out. I admit that until I read many of her posts, I was guilty of 'doormatitis'. Lately, I have been acting 'as if' I have confidence and sense of self and it is making quite an impression on spouse. I act as if I am cheerful and happy when I feel blue and come here to dump my sadnesses and concerns. <BR>He does not know how badly I feel about our intimacy issues or my heartbreak on the ongoing saga of the OC issues or the money issues. <BR>I want to recover and I want him to recover. I am going to give it everything I've got or die trying. If it works, then hooray. If it doesn't, then I know I have done everything I could and then some and I can move on knowing in my heart I gave it my best shot.<P>Pep talk, pep talk...mostly for me, probably. Thanks for letting me pump up the volume.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thankyou Catnip and all others who have given me pep talks. Lat night we had a wonderful night - we went to a comedy show together laughed and just seemed ourselves. It was the most normal feeling night in a long time. Yesterday I sked him if he saw a note from me on the kithchen counter in the morning and he said he didn't notice anything that he was tired. Lat night I taped it to the coffee pot and when I got up it was gone so I know he read it. I spoke to him briefly at work but he was too busy reallyto chat. He is going to be working lots of overtime the next few days with preg 22 yr. old OW. He works in a tourist based business and things are hectic right now. That makes me feel insecure. I have been venting a lot here but to his face (and everyone else's)I have been upbeat, not love busting at all. I really need some outward signs of affection but I'm still taking the initiative.<BR> Now I have some practical questions - I live in Suffolk Co. N. Y. I make probably a little less then double my husbands's salary. we have 4 young children (ages 6 - 14) I need to learn how to go about protecting assests without antagonizing my husband because he is still wrapped up in the guilt about her being preg. after a 2x affair and her being so young - let alone he being her boss!!. My paycheck gets deposited into a joint checking account. I read on a post that I can put in for child support for my children before she has the baby sometime in Dec. Do they use your combined incomes in New York for child support? I have so many questions but because my husband is still not very open about this I can't really talk to him about it. Our recovery is still so shaky on his part. I don't want to push things till; he's ready to deal with things however his personality is that he never really deals with anything (that was always my job.) I feel that in the long run things will work outt if I continue to be smart. This is the perfect place to talk to people. I am so glad I found this board.

Catnip,<BR>You knocked me out girl!!! That was one hell of a pep talk and I couldn't agree more. If there is anything I learned through this whole thing is that Leelee is Leelee and will always be Leelee and that nothing or no one will change my core, my goodness. This situation (as ugly as it has gotten) has only improved me and made me that much stronger. There came a point where it was as if my fiance was in a way not aware of what he did, don't get me wrong I knew he was sorry and wanted this to work but to him it was like him making his intentions known was enough. I nipped that in the bud. I let him know straight up...if you want this to work well pops you got ALOT of work to do, your intentions are only words, your actions are what I need to see!<BR>Catnip I am working on being the affectionate fun-loving woman he fell in love with, one step at a time! God bless

Bravo Catnip! And same to all the other responses. QM you have received great advise & thoughts.<P>My only addition to this is Plan A is the gift you give YOURSELF. You are being and acting like the beautiful, caring, kind woman that you really are. You do that everyday for yourself. Those actions are who you are. You are not doing all this to solicit a response from others, you are doing it to be at peace with yourself. You may never get the response from another person that you want to get, but you will know that it wasn't because you weren't trying.<P>The beauty of Plan A is that it also works on your children, your in-laws, etc., etc. It is all about being a great person and not allowing the jerks in this world to shape who we are by their goofy attitudes. <P>I always ask myself this question when trying to make decisions or plan my direction with things... "What is my intent?" When you are doing your Plan A if you respond "my intent is to change my husband and/or his actions", well then yes... it is manipulation. If you respond "I am a loving wife and this is the way I like to act"... then you got it! The great thing about that little question is it works so well in so many situations. I have often changed my tone with children or acted in a different manner about a situation because I don't want my intent to be harmful. It usually also makes a big difference in how things are received.<P>As for legal stuff... you are within your rights to contact a lawyer and find out how all this can possibly impact you & your children. Once again.. the intention being to protect your children, not to hurt your H, etc. Your job as a mother is to protect them. I would simply tell him in advance that you are going to do this as a fact finding mission for the sake of the children. Surely he could not find fault with that. <P>Whew... enough for today. Carolyn

Taking Care - I have been meaning to respond but the last few days have been insane (see other post) but I just wanted to tell you that what you said has really struck a chord with me. I am going to behave as a loving wife and not second guess (or at least try not to) if my intentions will be misconstrued. It makes sense because that is myself and if someone misjudges it it is becausof their misperception not my intention. Thankyou for the advice<BR> Kris