Guys - I was so "up" today and then my H starts calling me several times in a row around the 12:00 hour (which is when I'm always suspicious that he is having lunch with OW). Then he mentions that he is looking at a furniture store for a bed for our daughter, asking me what I'm looking for - what kind of wood, etc. Then he mentions that I need to just come look at 'em. I told him I was at a stopping point and I would come on up there. He was like, "no, we'll just do it later". So then I call him back and see if he can come by and pick me up because he has to drive to get his workers started and then we had talked about meeting at the furnituer store on my lunch. When I asked him about this, he was so angry "No, why would I want to come by and pick you up - - and then what if I can't leave and take you back to work - then what are you gonna do." So I lovebusted big time - he then said "Fine, I'll come and get you." and I said "no, forget it - I imagine your 12:00 standing lunch date is more important."<P>Then stupid me rides around for a while trying to calm down and then end up driving to see if he is where he says he was going to be. Well he is there -looks like he just got there (mind you this is 40 minutes after we talked) and he said the workers were already waiting on him - guess what - no workers there! He gets in the car and we have words - and yes I was ugly - and then he says the only person he cares about is our daughter and I ask him why then would he want to be married to me - if he doesn't care about me and he says "I don't want to be married to you." And I said, "well, you only have to ask me once - I'll call my attorney when I get back to work." and he says "you do that." Then he goes on to tell me that I can have all the furniture, the dog and that he'll basically just take his clothes, etc. I can't believe he would be that mean. I know I was out of line - but to me - if he "knows" I'm insecure around the 12-1 hour he would go out of his way (especially when he's not doing anything anyway) to spend that time with me to let me know he's not seeing her. I can't believe that I have backslidden again. What is wrong with me - Tomorrow is his birthday - wow - and he says "well, I guess your little trick today just ruined your whole weekend for you, huh?" Just so mean and unfeeling. I look at him like - "who are you?" I told him he could easily come by my office and pick up proposals that I've typed for his new jobs or come by to get $$$ after I've went to the bank for him - but he can't even let me ride with him across town. I'm just freakin' beside myself - he is such a liar. I thought I was doing so good - what is my problem?<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare Disaster: I don't know what to say to you. I know during these times that you feel as though your heart is going to fail you. Yet you have to go through the rest of the day. This may be just a step back and only you will have to decide if you've given it all you got. I know, don't you hate to hear that? Don't you just wish someone could give you all the answers? I do. Did you set yourself a time limit as to how long you were going to give this? Do you think it's time to start Plan B? Maybe your husband said those things to you about not wanting to be married to you because he was angry. Not an excuse but he may not mean it. Try to sit him down later when you've both had a chance to cool off and ask him what he wants to do. <P>Don't you wish sometimes that your feelings would just die already so you can move on? I've thought that many times. I'd always have a place in my heart for my H but this is just too much sometimes. I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. <P>You said your H called you several times around 12:00. Why would he do that if he was with OW? Just try to calm your nerves and evaluate the situation. Figure out if you're really ready to throw in the towel before you make any moves. I'm sure you know this. I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you. LMS<P>Oh. Quit blaming yourself. We are all human inside. It takes a lot of work and strength to do what we're doing when we hurt so badly. Just accept that you made a blunder and move on. We are all still learning and will continue to do so for the next several months. Don't beat yourself up. You don't need that. Take Care. LMS

LSM: Thanks, I know you're right. I feel so "helpless" (and I know you know). It's like sometimes - it gets so hard - I just wish someone would sit me down and say, okay, now do this 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 - and poof - it'll be all better! Ugh.<P>You're right he probably wouldn't have called me if she was there - but yet there have been times (in the past) that he has called me several times - to make sure I'm where I'm suppossed to be so that I won't be out "looking" for him (if you know what I mean). I guess his ugly demeanor - make me automatically think he was "up to something". I just get so sick of this mess. I'm with you- I'd rather be happy by myself than miserable while married.<P>Thanks for your words of encouragement - I hope you're doing okay.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Daycare disaster....<P>Roller coaster is alive, huh?<P>The problem is - if we told you to do 1,2,3,4, and 5, then something would change and 2 wouldn't count or neither would 1!!!!<P>Your life takes so many twists and turns it is absolutely amazing! You have to be the strongest person after all of this. We are going to be calling you for advise all of the time! Our own "Ann Landers"....<P>Okay, you are going to have to learn how to deal with these twists.... <P>Okay, are you on anti depressants? At Christmas time I got pretty bad. I was not doing well whatsoever. I got some welbutrin, and I didn't have any trouble - except a little dry mouth. I got them from my nurse practitioner - to help me "quit smoking."<P>This is a rural area, and everyone knows everyone - so I am ashamed to tell why I am unhappy. <P>Which, also is why this site has helped me so much, I can't talk to anyone about all of this. No anonymity in this area. Confidentiality is a law, yeah, but I see it broken an awful lot.<P>Is there some sort of pleasant thought that can help calm you down when you are just freaking? Is there a tape or cd of songs that just make you get in a better mood?<P>You know, if drinking isn't a problem for you, one beer can sometimes help take an edge off. But, I would caution you there not to do that more than once a week.<P>Okay, so you know lunch time is your weakest moments.... Need to make some lunch dates with your girlfriend! And keep them! <P>Or - plan errands during those times! Got to find a way to cope. That seems more important than any other issue at the moment.<P>Once you can come up with a solution there, then you can deal better with everything else.<P>cyber hugs to you.....<BR>TnT

DD.<P>I wish I lived close to you. I would take you out and have a couple margaritas, and not think once about husbands!<P>Don't look too much into your argument. I mean I can't say guarantee that he didn't mean those things. But I can tell you that my H says those things to me all the time. Not only now but even before this. Anytime I would complain about anything, he would say well I am worthless, why don't you just divorce me! Of course I would say, "If that's what you want!" And of course it doesn't go anywhere, it is just said in the heat of the moment. Granted I am trying to really stop doing that because our daughter is getting older, and I don't want her to hear that and have a heart attack.<P>Take a breather. I agree with everyone's advice. I tell you what, I stil wish we all lived close. This would have been a perfect day for a good lunch, some drinks, and some chick movies. If I could have, I would have been there for you. Try to go and do those things with your friends there. We all need that time, whether things are going great, or going bad. Your in my thoughts.<P>babstr.

dear daycare disaster,<P>i think the previous posters had good advice. in my situation although very different, i decided from the start to trust him again. i gave him my trust and told him if he gave me reason to doubt him, it was over. i felt i had to trust him and give him a chance or it wouldn't work. and i would be miserable. but, he has NO contact with the OW, and doesn't want to. so of course it is a different situation. all i can say, is pray and try to do stuff with your friends. sometimes when you are at home alone you think the worst and create problems that maybe aren't there. hang in there. try to talk to your H and see if he just said things in anger. guys get pretty defensive, and i guess us girls do too. sometimes we say things we really don't mean.<P>well, hope you are doing better tonight. take care and god bless you and your H.<P>happy_girl

i wanna go for a margarita too!!!!! let's have a virtual margarita. on me!!

You guys are too good to me. I wish you all would move to Tennessee and we would have a blast!!!!! I think you guys are right - my H and I have been together for so long (14 years) that it was just "me and him" doing everything together - we spent almost all our time together (before our daughter) so the "friends" that I do have are dear - yet we really didn't got out a whole lot together. Now since all that has changed I guess I do feel a little "lost" when I have to stay home with our D and my H goes and does the stuff "we" use to do together.<P>I am on antidepressants (Celexa) and have been for 3 years. My counselor said I was in major clinical depression - had post partum depression really bad and was never treated for that and slowly evolved into me having suspicions of the affair, etc. I guess TNT is right during the Noon-1 hour especially, I need to find some stuff to do and not even talk to him. I have found that when I do talk to him - it makes me feel as if he's making sure I'm at work so he can be 'free" to do whatever. (probably paranoia, but when it has happened before - you always go with that)<P>Wouldn't it be super duper wonderful if we all could meet somewhere in person one weekend in some sort of central geographic place? Would we not talk and talk and talk!!! (think about it guys)<P>Well my H did come home last night (11:00) p.m., but he did call me and he was building a ramp for my mom (she had double knee replacement surgery) and has to get out of the house for the time being in a wheel chair - so he was taking his time to do that.<P>Today is his birthday - so it is kinda awkward. He said he wanted for his present for us not to argue today and not to discuss "the situation". So I said fine. (I've got to do that today) Thanks again guys - for your support during my "down" time. Please let me know if I can lend a shoulder - I've got a big one!<P>------------------<BR>

DD, honey:<P>Click yourself back into your cavalier attitude...light, easy, pretend to be happy and cheerful, if you have to. It was working.<BR>Act 'as if' and it will happen automatically. It is tough to do, I find myself feeling like you do occasionally still, espeically if spouse is behaving 'detached' or 'withdrawn'. <BR>I know the feeling of panic when they act that way...and I understand that you are a 'reactionary' as many of us have become since discovery. They 'behave' one way, and we 'react' in a predictable way. Which turns them OFF. <P>Discovery has a strange effect on people who were once confident, self-assured, happy and secure. It takes it all away and is never truly brought back until there is a full-fledged recovery. And then, we are never quite the same anyway, always slightly suspicious. <BR>If recovery is slow, then in order to survive, one must pretend that all is well and produce a 'faux' condfidence to confuse reluctant spouse. You can do this and still Plan A.<P>Don't show your soft underbelly if you can help it. Go to the music store and ask for a cassette or CD of an oldie by Helen Reddy "I am Woman" and play it over and over and over and over and over again until you "get" it. I am deadly serious. Get the tape and listen to it. Really, get the tape. I don't care how stupid and schmaltzie it may sound to you at first. Just do it. Start your own psychological revamping and post more here. We will get you through this, but YOU have to make some changes, and some of them will be risky, but it's better than spinning your wheels. now go get that tape. I recommend it for any of the rest of you who are feeling vulnerable.<P>Catnip =^^=