Last time I wrote, was when I just got back from my uncle's funeral. I got my credit card biil, they charged over $450 within 12 hours after stealing it! Like I don't have enough problems. The card people say it could take three months to take it off. <P>I still haven't heard anything in regards to the child support appeal. And my H still hasn't heard anything on the job side either. I would have to say I that things just don't feel like they are getting better. Like I just keep having little things go wrong. Tonight I really thought how much I hate my life. I had a birthday on Monday, and I was depressed the whole day, didn't do anything. <P>Not much else is going on. I just thought I would tell you all that it is the same ole same ole. I am not looking forward to this month. I have my class reunion, I wonder how many of my classmates know about my mess. My H and I graduated together, so it should be interesting. I have waited to go to this for awhile, and now this problem has tainted it. Maybe by then I will have some news. <P>I just can't believe that this is my life. That I am sitting here in this mess, and no direction as to where it will lead. Sorry I sound so crabby, I thought I would rant a little. <P>babstr.

babstr,<P>you hit the nail on the head. i ask myself the same thing sometimes, how did i get here? what did i do to deserve this?? i just wanted to have a normal happy marriage. and i could handle the affair, and almost got thru it, until this. but i am kinda glad we didn't know till now, don't know what i would've done back then. that was a long time ago. <P>happy belated birthday. sorry you didn't feel like celebrating. i don't think i would have either. i am not in any mood for celebrations. and just think, at the reunion, you just never know what people are going thru at home. no one would ever guess what i am dealing with. they just think i am stressed because of work. if they only knew... if only i could confide in them.<P>but, we can't live life on if's. hope your appeal works. take care and god bless you and your family.<P>happy_girl

{{{babstr}}}<P>I'm sorry that things are not going better for you right now. And I'm sorry that someone stole your wallet at the funeral home. I know things are looking bleak right now but I wanted to give you some hope. Things will get better. My H and I are 17 months into recovery and our marriage is going well. We went to my 20th high school reunion a couple of weeks ago. We had a fun time. Try not to worry about what other people know and think. One thing I have realized through this ordeal is that no one really knows whats going on in another person's lives. <P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You sound so overwhelmed !!!! We all go through those days and all we can do is pray and know "that this too shall pass". I hold onto the belief that I will not feel like this forever. We have to keep on living, I wish you would have celebrated your birthday...we have reasons to celebrate and to be thankful, for our children, the support we receive from this very forum, etc. Speaking for myself it is very easy for me to get consumed in all this crap but I have to stop myself and try to focus on the positive, it helps me to feel just a little bit better. As my grandma used to say, "honey the good Lord never ever gives you more than you can handle but he didn't say you couldn't rest"! Take care and you are in my prayers.....it will get better!!!

Babstr:<BR>We understand, I think that everybody in this board has been in your shoes more than a day, a week and some of us months! There is this saying that goes: It feels like rain keeps falling and the sidewalk does not have a chance to dry...complicated one but to the point. Sometimes to many things get overwhelming so tare them apart and handel each of them at a time. With the reunion really do not worry, half of the people will not know, the people you think know they really do not care, and the people you may say something...well they are not worth it anyways! Believe me everybody has their cross to bare! You will have fun enjoy it, be positive, try to take this opportunity to have fun with your husband and remember only the good times!<BR>Fambis

thank you everyone for your replys. My husband got more bad news today. The job fell through. So once again we are on a low. If he doesn't find something soon, we are going to be in financial dire straits. I am trying to be positive, but it is getting harder. My poor husband thinks he didn't get the job because he didn't pray enough. I feel bad for him at times, even though he has put us here. It must be hard to live with guilt. Once again thanks.<P>babstr.

Babstr, honey:<P>It's been two years of one crisis after another for me/us...I must have broken a mirror a couple years ago but forgot about it. That means I still have five more years of bad luck coming. Ugh. Or maybe I am reaping my karma from a previous life.<BR> <BR>All kidding aside, things are taking a positive turn in a few areas. David's new job, and possiblities with my company are emerging as well. I know I have this appeal to submit and have postmarked by 7-7-00, and Mom is coming to town tomorrow for 10 days (so I might not be around for a few days), but I have started to realize that all these things are cyclical.<P>The first five years of my life were good, the second set of five years were bad, then good, then bad and so on. I admit that the last two have been the worst I could ever imagine with long lasting repercussions, however, I feel an upswing heading my way. It is life cycles and as long as we realize that we all have something going on in each of our lives at one time or another, I guess I would rather have this than a child's death or a family murder, but, unfortunately those are the only things I can think of that surpass this on the Pain-O-Meter.<P>Your husband's defeat is temporary. He didn't get this job because God's plan is for him to get something even better suited for him. <BR>Yet, I will never understand why God didn't intervene and have me accompany David to that party in October 1998 or why he allowed a pregnancy...an affair would have been bad enough. <BR>Look at all the people on General Questions and the Divorce forum where there are no OC's, yet they are struggling just as hard as we are. And most of us here are unbeleivably in recovery for the most part...with unimaginable odds against us. In some ways we are really lucky to have a second chance to make our marraiges better than before. I only wish we could all come to this plce without the devastation and financial problems we all face with the unjust, immoral, biased and evil court system.<P>You husband is probably praying that he will get a certain job instead of God's will for him. It symantics, really. Perhaps you can suggest that he asks God for His will and see what God will bring. It is scary to do that because often God's will for us is much different than what we want for ourselves.<P>I remember standing on my Mom's balcony overlooking the ocean just days after the news that OW was pregnant in January 1999. It was very early in the morning, just twilight, before sunrise. I stood there and prayed over and over agin, "please, Dear God, please don't let it be true" over and over and over again. Tears streaming down my face, the pain so horrendous, it took my breath away. My Mom walks up behind me and puts her hand on my shoulder and the pain in her eyes was more than I could stand. She startled me, too. <BR>I told her we had to get a bell for her so she couldn't sneak up on me when I have my heart to hearts with God. <BR>I came home after four days to David who had spent ten hours on the phone with OW. We had only been reconciled 2 weeks. After talking to OW for all those hours, he was very drunk AND he had changed his mind about us.<P>The next day, he changed his mind back again and decided to go into treatment and get sober then come home and work on our marriage. Such a painful time, and I still don't know what God's purpose was for all this. <BR>People told me, "This will make you STRONGER!" Well, thanks anyway, I am already stronger than most, so give me another reason. I didn't need to be any stronger than I already was.<P>Maybe I needed to become more empathetic and compassionate. No, that was always one of my personality traits.<P>Maybe I needed to be more grateful for what I had, for my marriage. Nope on that one, too. I was always filled with gratitude and took nothing for granted.<P>Maybe I needed to develop a better sense of self and self respect. Maybe I needed to learn to take better care of myself. Bingo. That is it. I think. I have always put myself last to my own peril. No more.<P>If THAT is it, what God allowed to happen to me was overkill. I could have 'gotten it' without such drastic life altering events.<P>Oh well. That probably isn't it. I may never know why this happened and I will be forever perplexed. (sigh) But, I am grateful for this forum and for all of you. I would rather have met you through some internet decorating club or something, but then we would never develop the kind of deep and meaningful dialogue we share here.<P>To quote Rainman, "One for good, two for bad."<P>Well, I am just babbling now and probably haven't really added anything of use. Sometimes I just like the sound of my own voice/keystrokes.<P>Catnip =^^= <P>

Catnip,<P>I too remember the days when I prayed and prayed that this wasn't true. I wondered just like yourself why God would allow a pregnancy and so much pain. But then I also remembered that God isn't the only influence in this world. There is another side, and the evil side can have just as much influence if people allow it. God helps us if we are there, but he also allows free will. <P>I know that many people have told me that this will make me stronger, like yourself I was stronger than most. In my young life I have worked hard, put myself through school, and I have fallen in love three times, all being good relationships. I have all of my family still alive except with this recent death of my uncle, I even have all of my grandparents. I know I am stronger, and I know that I am lucky in a lot of ways. <P>I too feel that nothing could be worse than death of a child, or a murder. But I also am trying to look at the fact that, everyone I know friends and family are healthy. How even though our financial foundation is being shaken, there are those who have no home and no food. That at this time I can be home with my daughter and watch her smile and play in the comfort of her home with me, instead of a sitter. Those are all things that I think about everyday to keep me going. While most people are not living what I am, there could be worse. I would rather live this than have no home, no family, or illness in my family. <P>I guess I am trying to learn a new perspective from my aunt. Her and my uncle were having problems, he drank, and she thought they might have to seperate cause it was not getting better. But now she would give anything to have him back drunk, sober, or ill. That now she realizes how precious time is, and even if it is awful, it is still time that you have been given. Although I get upset, I still have that time to be upset, be angry, or be happy. People like my uncle have no time, and he has left a family that will feel that forever. It is hard to be positive. <P>I hope that maybe God gave me this challenge to look at life. To meet people here, and lend a hand and heart. I am going to keep praying that I can make it. That I don't give up and throw in the towel. I am going to try to remember what I do have, and not what I don't. On a roll tonight, sorry I went on and on. Enjoy your visit with you mom.<P>babstr.