I was just wondering if any of you here on this Pregnancy/Child forum are a WS (female) w/OC? Most of what I read is the H as the WS. Just curious if there are any others that can relate to my situation? (I'm married to the most wonderful man. We are raising our 3 children--youngest is biologically OM's child. H knows everything that happened. A is over, just dealing w/aftermath).<P>And let me tell you, you women that are dealing w/OC from your WS are amazing to me! You have so much courage, and I admire you so much! Thank you, Momma

momma,<BR>there are 3 or 4(?) men who post here who are raising their wives' child from an affair. There have been a couple women in your position who've posted, but not often. <P>Congradulations on repairing your marriage and keeping your family together!

Dear momma,<P>I am not quite what you are looking for - I am one of the men whose wife had an affair and is raising a biological child of OM.<P>The aftermath of the affair was unbelievably painful, but the one great joy of this past year has been our youngest son.<P>StillTrying

Dear Momma: <P>I am a man whose wife fooled me for 8 years that my middle son named after me was mine. The pain and anguish I go through everyday is immense. It has been 6 months since D-day and I still have anger and disappointment for my children and my life.<BR>I noticed that there are not a lot of men who post to this site who have a similiar position to me or K, Paul or stilltrying. Women have a tendency to hide the truth from us because nine out of ten times the affair loses its steam within a couple of years and they are reconciled to get back to the reality and now have a real dillemma. They lie and juxtaposition their lives to accomodate the OM and then the H is left to pay for the mistake many times unknowingly.<P>I am amazed at the fact that there are many OM and the wives of men that they have impregnanted that are never made accountable for what they have done. The poor husband, like me, is left to think that the child is his and in many cases like with my wife she never mentioned it to him and he naver asked her even though he was the only one to make love to her during the time she got pregnant. My wife claims she did not want to put that pressure on him in fear that he would no longer want a relationship with her. To add fuel to the fire she continued the activity even after his child was born. Even going so far as to invite him to his childs chritening in hopes he would see and ask her if it was his. Rreally bizarre stuff going on here.<P>His child is 8 now (Daughter 10) and I have a another son 7 who is mine (paternity test proven)that is only mine by a bit of luck. My wife made love to both of us on the same day and I won the race (beleive me no compensation). It only ended because once she told him the third was on the way the heat was to hot in the kitchen for him and "they" decided to just be friends. <P>The thing I do not understand is the H, like myself, is not communicated to as to the feelings and emotions that are helping cause the extramarital activity but yet, like in my case, are working to put a roof over their heads baby sitting while she was meeting OM and condoning a male friendship. <P>This was somebody I golfed with, played softball with and even set up on dates and went out to dinner with his date and my wife on a regular basis. God how that hurts everytime I write or think of that. <P>Anyway, we have been in counseling for the last 5 months and sometimes I think is does good and other times it doesn't. My wife is trying very hard to make amends but almost a decade of lying (2/3rds of my marriage) has been a total fake. I love the kids, including my non-bio son, but feel like my wife does not deserve the life she now has. I know she has her own feelings of shame and disgust to deal with, but she caused it, not me.<P>I hurt 24/7 and have a hard time getting it out of my mind. I love her very much and believe she can be the wife and friend that I want and need. The kids need a father and do not want to anything to screw up their lives. Sometimes I wish I did not have to include them in the decision making process because it hurts to think what their mother has put them into. Here I am the one that has been wronged and now I am the one she is depending on to keep the family together. Is that not an oxymoron in itself. <P>I would like to to converse via email with anyone who has a similiar situation or just wants to help me from time to time and talk via the internet. I really get low sometimes and would relish sharing ideas and concepts with someone from either end email: thewebguyz@worldnet.att.net. Also, maybe you could expound mama on your circumstance here or email me as to what led to your situation. Thanx for this forum! <BR>

Dear Momma: <P>I am a man whose wife fooled me for 8 years that my middle son named after me was mine. The pain and anguish I go through everyday is immense. It has been 6 months since D-day and I still have anger and disappointment for my children and my life.<BR>I noticed that there are not a lot of men who post to this site who have a similiar position to me or K, Paul or stilltrying. Women have a tendency to hide the truth from us because nine out of ten times the affair loses its steam within a couple of years and they are reconciled to get back to the reality and now have a real dillemma. They lie and juxtaposition their lives to accomodate the OM and then the H is left to pay for the mistake many times unknowingly.<P>I am amazed at the fact that there are many OM and the wives of men that they have impregnanted that are never made accountable for what they have done. The poor husband, like me, is left to think that the child is his and in many cases like with my wife she never mentioned it to him and he never asked her even though he was the only one to make love to her during the time she got pregnant. My wife claims she did not want to put that pressure on him in fear that he would no longer want a relationship with her. To add fuel to the fire she continued the activity even after his child was born. Even going so far as to invite him to his childs christening in hopes he would see and ask her if it was his. Really bizarre stuff going on here.<P>His child is 8 now (Daughter 10) and I have a another son 7 who is mine (paternity test proven)that is only mine by a bit of luck. My wife made love to both of us on the same day and I won the race (beleive me no compensation). It only ended because once she told him the third was on the way the heat was to hot in the kitchen for him and "they" decided to just be friends. <P>The thing I do not understand is the H, like myself, is not communicated to as to the feelings and emotions that are helping cause the extramarital activity but yet, like in my case, are working to put a roof over their heads baby sitting while she was meeting OM and condoning a male friendship. <P>This was somebody I golfed with, played softball with and even set up on dates and went out to dinner with his date and my wife on a regular basis. God how that hurts everytime I write or think of that. <P>Anyway, we have been in counseling for the last 5 months and sometimes I think is does good and other times it doesn't. My wife is trying very hard to make amends but almost a decade of lying (2/3rds of my marriage) has been a total fake. I love the kids, including my non-bio son, but feel like my wife does not deserve the life she now has. I know she has her own feelings of shame and disgust to deal with, but she caused it, not me.<P>I hurt 24/7 and have a hard time getting it out of my mind. I love her very much and believe she can be the wife and friend that I want and need. The kids need a father and do not want to anything to screw up their lives. Sometimes I wish I did not have to include them in the decision making process because it hurts to think what their mother has put them into. Here I am the one that has been wronged and now I am the one she is depending on to keep the family together. Is that not an oxymoron in itself. <P>I would like to to converse via email with anyone who has a similiar situation or just wants to help me from time to time and talk via the internet. I really get low sometimes and would relish sharing ideas and concepts with someone from either end email: thewebguyz@worldnet.att.net. Also, maybe you could expound mama on your circumstance here or email me as to what led to your situation. Thanx for this forum! <BR>

<BR>RonMan,<P>How did you find out about the mispaternity? I'm guessing your wife told you, which was a big step on her part. She didn't want to live in a sham marriage, either.<P>Look, its your call whether to end the marriage. If you did, you probably would not get primary custody of any of the children, and you probably would have to pay child support for all the children, even the OM's, because of the notorious assumed paternity laws. FWIW, I personally find the thought of you being forced to pay CS for an OM's child morally repugnant. Anyhow, nobody would ever look askance at you for slapping your wife with a divorce suit after what she's done to you. You could paint her as an evil witch and just about everyone would agree with you. As another option, you could insist that the OM be named in a paternity suit and force him to pay child support - but the downside of that is he'd likely get visitation of the child. Would you want to see his face a few times a week?<P>What do you really want to do? It doesn't sound like you want to divorce, or even slap the OM with a paternity suit. But throwing the affair in your wife's all the time is pointless - even though your anger is palpable, channel it elsewhere.<P>Bystander

Dear Ronman,<P>Six months is not a long time to process this. I still hurt a lot, and I have known for almost a year. But a good therapist has been extremently helpful for me, and most of my pain has come from the affair, not the child. Are you working with anyone?<P>A few comments:<P>>>>> "My wife claims she did not want to put that pressure on him in fear that he would no longer want a relationship with her. To add fuel to the fire she continued the activity even after his child was born. Even going so far as to invite him to his childs chritening in hopes he would see and ask her if it was his. Rreally bizarre stuff going on here."<P>This sounds to me like she is telling the truth. Hurts like hell, but if she is telling you the truth she is trying to build a real relationship with you now. For months all we had was the truth, but at least my wife was talking.<P>>>>> "The kids need a father and I do not want to do anything to screw up their lives. Sometimes I wish I did not have to include them in the decision making process."<P>You can pull them out of that process. I told my wife that I would raise my (non-biological) child even in the case of a divorce. When she asked for a divorce, she found out that I meant that with all my heart. I love this child. I think her recognition of that love was instrumental in turning things around for us. And yet there was nothing staged in that exchange - I love him and would gladly have raised him on my own. Just relieved that we are together instead.<P>>>>> "This was somebody I golfed with, played softball with and even set up on dates ..."<P>It hurts so much. In my case, it was my (former) best friend. Our other kids played together all the time. I hope that you don't have to see him anymore. Our OM and his family moved out of state.<P>>>>> "the H is left to pay for the mistake many times unknowingly."<P>I was furious that she didn't trust me enough at the time to tell me she was pregnant by OM, rather than me, but I have never viewed this as paying for someone else's mistake. though I deeply resented that I wasn't asked about what to do, and if I would care for the child.<P>Maybe its just me, but a child is very special, and my youngest son is no different. I have never before been in a situation where I had to be something stronger than I had imagined, to do something beyond simple fairness. But being able to do so feels good. I have communicated to OM that I do not want any money. Paying for a child is just part of being his (real) father.<P>And you are. You have raised your son for 8 years. You have been there for him when he needed a father. That hasn't changed.<P>>>>> "are never made accountable for what<BR>they have done."<P>And never will be. I often hurt, but revenge is not an option. I just wanted OM to go away, and fortunately that is what he wanted to do. And I want my wife to be happy, and each of my children to be happy. We are in a zone that goes far beyond simple justice here.<P>I hope that I am not coming off as too confident and self-sure here. I still brood far too much. The betrayal is incredibly painful. But I am finally at a point where I am also exploring the future, and hopeful about what we will build together.<P>Good luck,<P>StillTrying

Dear Bystander, my wife told my sister-in-law many years ago at my parents house at Christmas time while they were catching a smoke in the garage. My dad was dying at the time and my sister-in-law told my mother who told her not to tell me in hopes it was just a one time fling and to save the emotions already caused by the dying of my dad. They held the secret from me for 8 years. <P>My wives lover had gotten married about 3 years ago and at that point I think my wife finally let go of ever being his wife. They had remianed friends and met throughout the years with my acceptance because I thought they were friends. <P>When he told her he was getting engaged I began to see a better effort in our marrige. When he got married and did not invite us to the wedding I thought that was very strange. I think she finally understood she was not to him what she thought. She slowly started telling me things like he was her soulmate, etc.. She got angry one day and blurted out she had a loving relationship with him, but no sex. Being a man I know men do not hold hands and kiss for 3 years. She was starting to realize the fantasy was finally over and was feeling really guilty that he moved on to his white picket femce while she was left holding his bag.<P>Over the next couple months I wanted to believe her and made her meet him and tell him I knew about that part. Believe me I was willing to buy that story. My family could no longer hold back their information and early on Christmas Eve this past year my sister-in-law told me over the phone about the fact that many years ago my W had cold heartedly admitted she did not know who the father was of my two boys (have had paternity since on all 3 kids and oldest daughter and youngest son are mine). I was devastated mostly because we had taken the day off and finished the kids xmas shopping and had a very romantic two hours alone in my house. <P>What a switch the next two hours would take.<BR>She slowly admitted to the bear facts trying to lie and juxtaposition the truth as all caught cheaters do. I went away for a couple of hours and did about ten shots of tequila, but came back as to not ruin the kids xmas and took everyone out to xmas eve dinner. If it was not for the fact it was a holiday I probably would have walked out. I gave my wife all the trust in the world and him to and they used it against me. <P>I don't want to leave, but am struggling everyday with how to stay. I still get half truths and mistold stories which she says she is trying to protect my feelings. I want to believe her but I can not trust her yet.<P>I see her trying. Don't know how sorry she is. She was such a good actress before I might be buying the same ticket now. I am just taking one day at a time and seeing hoe it goes. The kids lives would be devastated if I left and they would suffer immensely. I do not feel she deserves me to help her through this and be the good one and suck it up but I will give it my best shot over a period of time and see how I feel 6 months from now.

I haven't checked this thread for awhile. <P>Wow, you guys! I can't believe your stories! Well, I can, but you just amaze me!<P>I told my H right away when I found out I was pregnant. Because of timing, I was 99% sure it was OM's. But there was a possibility it could be my H's. So, we went through all the rough stuff at the beginning and during my pregnancy. My H wanted to stay married and work it out. After the baby was born, my H was wonderful. The baby went through a rough time when he was born (respiratory problems, long story), and I think that brought all of us closer together. I think that our little one is biologically the OM's (by appearance) but have never done any kind of paternity testing. My H says there's no need to do so. This child is his, no matter what, and nothing will ever change that. He's accepted him as his own, no strings attached. I'm truly lucky to have my H. And our children (3 total) are very lucky to have him as a father. Our littlest is one year old, now.<P>OM is not involved, whatsoever. I hope it'll remain that way, forever.<P><BR>Ronman, <BR>I can understand your pain. That's one reason I told my H about it while I was pregnant. I also couldn't have lived w/that secret; it would have eaten me alive! I don't know how your wife lived w/that for so long. <P>I'm really sorry for all you've been through, I know you're still going through it. Are you and your W still together? Are you planning on staying together? Is this something you can get past? Your feelings haven't changed towards your son through this, have they? It sounds like your children are very lucky to have a father like you. <P>Does your wife come to MB? Maybe she could benefit from this, too.<P>Ask me any questions, I'd be glad to share. I'm on the best road I've been on since all this began (almost 2 yrs. ago). There's hope for you, too!