Hi there, <P>Happy 4th July to all of you. I am new to the forum, my counsellor gave me this web-site address, I hope to be able to find some help here.<P>My H and I have been married almost 12 years. We are now both in our late 30's and struggling to keep our marriage alive. I have always wanted to have children, I just assumed that it would happen at some point. Earlier in the marriage, we both concentrated on our careers b/c we wanted to have financial stability before kids came. We now own our own home and other assets. That has not made us happy. After trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years, we decided to go for an investigation ad found out that I am infertile. I can't begin to tell you how painful it has been to deal with that. It has been 4 years since we found that out and we ahve struggled with all types of issues surrounding this.<P>My H decided somewhere along the line that I wasn't much of a woman anymore. He was no longer interested in me. I thought that he himself was greiving. I gave him as much space as he wanted to process this info but he just got meaner and meaner to me. Last year he started seeing another woman. He no longer found me attractive or desirable and I was not meeting his needs for a family. This woman befreinded him, he would stay out all hours of the night instead of coming home to me. She started calling our home and he would talk to her when we were lying in bed together. Now, I have found out that she is pregnant, baby due in December. I am crushed. I promised him forever but I do not know if I can carry on like this or deal with this. He has said that he wants out of the marriage to be with her and the product of their union. What do I do? Nothing I have said or done has been enough for him. I feel like such a failure. Unable to have kids or keep my husband. I do not have the energy to call a lawyer.

You are NOT a failure!!!!!!!!<BR>You are a beautiful, caring wife who has a real JERK for a H. What he did has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with the kind of person HE is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. He has disrespected you in the worst way. I would shoot my H if he ever talked to the OW while in bed with me. <BR>You deserve better. I don't believe in divorce if both people are willing to work on it. In your case i think you should really do some soul searching and decide if he is worth it. <BR>

Oprah<BR>You are certaintly not a failure and you certaintly do not deserve this!!!! I am sorry that you cannot have children, that must be painful and then to have to deal with all this must be unbearable. Oprah your husband has said that he wants to be with the OW....let him go. First of all because you deserve much much more and two because both your H and OW are the same kind of people. How could he be so disrespectful and talk to OW while in bed with you. This is not going to be easy Oprah but to allow them to disrespect you means you are not respecting yourself. God bless you Oprah and we are here if you need us. Sending you my prayers.

Oprah,<P>First of all welcome to our sad little club. Second, I think you need to do a lot of thinking. But my gut says you should let this man go. I understand that you have 12 years invested. But he has turned a painful experience into more pain. You did not choose to be infertile, and he blames you like it was a choice. He is not the man you thought he was. Let him go to her. If he left you in your time of need to go search for something else, then he will never come home now. His actions are pure cruelty, and shows no remorse for your feelings or your marriage. I am afraid under these circumstances, even if he came home, the OC would be a even larger burden on you. Try and get your life in order. Call an attorney now, get the information you will need to survive, and move on. You are in my prayers, and I am so sorry that you are going through this personal hell. <P>babstr.

Dear Oprah:<BR>I am so sorry this happened to you but I agree with everybody else. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! HE IS THE ONE WHO FAILED YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE!<BR>Obviously he is extremely inmature and has no respect for you. You need to realize that you are a WONDERFUL PERSON and that he is a dummy! You know that famous saying:<BR>"If you love someone let it free,<BR>If it comes back to you it's yours,<BR>If he doesn't , he never was."<BR>So, I know it is very hard to read this but you should let him go, because obviously he does not deserve you, and you cannot force somebody to stay with you if he does not want to. <BR>Have you asked him if he wanted to go to counseling with you? Or he is convinced that he wants to be with OW and OC? <BR>The best thing for you if he does not want to work things out is to move on, you will find a true companion, the one that will love you for who you are and nothing else.<BR>My prayer are with you!<BR>God will give you the strenght that you need if you ask him to.<BR>

Thank you for the replies. Yesterday I spent the whole day in tears. It was the 1st time that I admitted to anyone other than my counsellor that my marriage is in shambles. I have taken the day off and hope to be able to make some sense of what I am going thru. My H was home last night, he wanted to talk about how we should divide our assets. He wants me to move out as according to him....our home would be too big for me alone. Why should I be the one to move? If he wants out of the marriage, then he should move out. We slept in seperate bedrooms but the phone rang in the middle of the night, I knew it was HER calling. I feel so oberwhelmed. I do not want to let him go but I don't want to have to deal with this either. Should I insist that he move out and we try a seperation to give us both some space? He says he wants out, yet he still calls me by my nickname that means so much to him. Oh my, I'm so confused!

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's hard enough just to know you can not have children. You need your best friend and instead he's turning the other cheek.<P>I feel you best bet is Plan B. Make him remember your nick name, and all the things you shared 12 years ago when you first met and all the things you shared over the years. He'll miss it.<P>For me I couldn't imagine rendering Plan A if my H was telling me he didn't want to be married to me and I KNEW he was still seeing OW. I just don't think my heart could take it. Nor do I think it should. <P>So my advice is Plan B. You don't realize what you have until it's gone. Be good to yourself. As catnip said act "as if" you are doing just fine. Start living for you. Become the confident person your H fell in love with. Even though your torn apart inside. He'll come back. And maybe he'll be calling you from her bed soon. And if he doesn't? Then everything happens for a reason. And maybe your guardian angle knows exactly where you are and is just waiting for you day to come. I'll be thinking of you and so will everyone else here. Use us for strength. You deserve the best. Take care of yourself. LSM<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate