I just can't stop thinking about the OC. We have decided to not have any contact with the OC. <BR>H and I were both raised by our Mothers and in and our step-fathers. Neither of us had any contact with our biological fathers, so we feel we can really sympathize with the OC. We both feel fine that we didn't have contact with our fathers. (both were real losers) My H is a great Father and I'm not sure it is the right thing to not allow him to know his father. <BR>However we feel it would be worse to become involved with this child and then have to disappear if she gets involved with a nice guy who wants to be a daddy to the OC. Besides that they live on the other side of the state. (5hrs away) We both have family there and we only get over there 2 or 3 times a year. We would have to sacrifice what little time we have with our family so my H could know this child.<BR>Needless to say i have a lot of guilt when it comes to the children involved here. I want to encourage my H to take responsibility for his mistake, but i don't want to. Is it enough that he pay CS and medical care, or should he make an effort to be a part of this childs life?<BR>She has tons of family/church support and he has lots of great father figures. <BR>sorry this is disjointed but i could really use some help.<P>

This is the exact course we are taking. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. I feel that the majority of the OC weighs on the OW, she knew what life she was bringing this child into. I also believe that invading on a child can do more harm than good. How old is the child? The OC in our situation is 2. I think in this day and age any child can be raised in different environments. I know it is hard. Try to keep positive. <P>babstr.

1fool,<P>i go thru the same thoughts over and over in my head. i feel sorry for the OC, but i also think that the OW/mother should have thought about that before she slept with my H. if she wanted her kid to have a dad she should have married someone and had a kid that way. but she wanted a kid and apparently wanted my H to be the father. so now she has one. her latest thing is she just wants her child to have a last name. well, she should have thought about that too.<P>i had a really hard time at first because my H wants nothing to do with the OC. i even talked to a priest who told me he had no moral obligation to a relationship with the child, but did have an obligation to support it. so i did feel a little better after that. i still ask my H if he is sure, and he says he just doesn't feel a connection to her because they had no relationship, just sex. i just am glad it is not my decision to make. i just have to support whatever decision my H makes. it is very hard. and i try to keep my head up. this forum has helped me a lot.<P>sometimes i feel guilty that i am glad in a way that he doesn't want a relationship with the OC, but then i just have to live with that. i am only human, we all are. i just constantly ask god for peace in getting thru this situation. and sometimes i even pray for OW and OC. but i have bad thoughts toward her a lot so i am quite confused at times. <P>take care and you are in my prayers. i lit a candle for us all on sunday after church. <P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

I think that it's important for any ultimate decisions regarding your H's relationship with the OC to be his alone. You don't want a backlash a few years down the line if H suddenly regrets his no relationship stance and blames you from keeping him away from OC. If H is sure he wants no relationship, then all you can do is stand by his decision. If he wants contact, then you have to act accordingly to what your tolerance level will allow. <P>If OW has such a great support system, and willingly brought a child into the world knowing its father was a married, unavailable man, you should harbor no guilt at the present circumstances. You had nothing to do with the OC's conception and subsequent delivery into the world. <P>Food for thought...how much guilt do you think OW harbors for what she did to your children? Do you think thoughts of your children keep her awake nights and invade her daily routine? Why do wives have to be the martyrs every time?

I agree with everything. My H isn't sure what he's going to feel for this OC. But he wants to see it so that question can be answered. As far as I'm concerned I wish my H didn't want to have anything to do with it. I would never ask that of him but wish he didn't. It takes so much from me, my daughter and my family. But blood is blood. And a baby is innocent. If anyone is to blame here it's the OW. For putting this child in this situation. Along with our children. If you ask me you have a moral obligation to the family you built and the children you planned to have. Not the one you didn't. Child support yes but emotionally no. I agree in that what happens if a man comes along and wants to be the best father to this OC. One who could be there 100%. I'm babbling. I'm sorry I don't have the answers. I wish I did. I guess you do what's best for you and your family. I'll be thinking of you. LSM

"Why do wives have to be the martyrs every time?"<P>Oh, GOOD one, PollyPB!! Two thumbs up!!<P>Thoughts of the OC do haunt me and I know H thinks of her daily. I pity the kid. I do think wives tend to let their Hs off light here. Many of the XOW did not mean to have a kid any more than your H did (there are exceptions; don't scratch, catnip ), and statistically kids of single mothers are at risk for many problems (teen suicide crime and pregnancy for starters...), and in most of our OC cases, our H is the only "father" the kid technically has. But the XOW DID have other options and DID chose to keep the kid knowing the circumstances. <P>I agree with Polly that its Important to work on an HONEST policy of joint agreement. I have heard of men(can you say conflict avoider?!) who've later decided to be pissed off at the wife for him not seeing the child... <P>In our case, we've agreed to have the child visit IF she wants to when she's school aged and can leave her mother (we are much further long distance than 5 hours!). That minimizes contact with XOW and gives the kid that option to meet her dad and his family. But we know that will never be the same as having him for a father. Not in her family and not even like it might be in a divorce, unless her mother died. <P>The XOW did not chose the best she could for her child. That is not something for you or I to feel guilty about. It is your job to repair and maintain YOUR family.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

<P>1fool:<BR>I am in the same boat, sort of. My H had several affairs and this time he messed up. The OW is four and a half months pregnant. He was lying to her too, and she kicked him out and now he is living with another OW. He is married to me, is having a child with one woman, by the way has 4 children of her own, and now is living with another woman. Go figure! He has filed for divorce but for several months now, has not proceeded in any way. I was terribly hurt when I found out, yet I knew in my heart that this would happen sooner or later. <BR>I know what you are going through when you say you can't stop thinking about the OC. My husband's baby isn't even here yet and I can't stop thinking about it. The OW has cut off all contact with my H and says she doesn't want him involved in any way. But things change. My H didn't want anymore kids and I did, but I didn't too. Now I feel like something has been taken from me, and I don't mean my H. I really can't explain it. Our kids, 11 and 6, don't deserve this and it hurts me to think that their dad can be so cruel! <BR>Just know you aren't alone in your situation and there are no easy answers.<BR>Hold your chin up!<P> Downhearted<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Downhearted (edited July 05, 2000).]

Thank you so much for your support and answers. I don't know if she feels any guilt about what she has done/is doing to my family. I did try to call her but she refused to talk to me. The thing that pisses me off is that she has made no attempt to appoligize to me. We were close friends (she was even going to take our children if we died) I just don't know how anyone could do this.<BR>She also told my H that she thought the child was the guys she was dating at the time. (they were broken up when she came to visit us, then they got back together) She was doing everything in her power to get pregnant. Sorry i'm starting to get really angry with her again. I'm "trying" to not allow my anger towards her to control my life.<BR>Thank you all again for being here for me.<BR>

"fool" (you're not but I know the feeling!)<BR>You have suffered a DOUBLE BETRAYAL!! Been there myself--Very Painful! One who would take your kids if you died: OUCH!! "Our" XOW was also "friend" who held my hand at my ultrasound, was my son's favorite grown-up, housesat for me, offered to be a surrogate mother for us when we lost 3 babies...<P>But it is not a surprise that these women should change their loyalty from us to their children. Our Hs and we, after all, have both dumped the XOW and going on with repairing our lives without them. They have only their children left, and fatherless children at that... Lots of broken hearts. Why would anyone want to jeopardize their lives this way? I'll never understand...