hi all. i need you again. here is the story. the OW called my H today and left a message saying that she wanted to talk to him. that they are both old enough to deal with this out of court. so i told him to go talk to her just to see what she has to say.<P>he went and she is saying she doesn't want to put him thru the court system, that it was the dept of economic security that pushed her into it. she says all she wants is a last name for the OC and a reasonable amount of money per month to support her. she said she just won't go to the court date and they won't be able to continue the case because mother and child aren't there.<P>what do we do??? i told my H that i don't think that we can put his name on the birth certificate because they will notify DES and they will still come after him for the welfare she received. he is going to talk with her tomorrow. what should he do? i still think we should get a paternity test to make sure, but we only have till the 14th to respond to the paternity suit. what is she doing? my H is positive the OC is his. and says he believes her that she was pushed into it. ahhhhh!! it sounds so much easier than back support for the welfare she received but she wants a last name for her kid. any ideas?? <P>------------------<BR>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited July 05, 2000).]

Happy--<P>Be very careful. Your H DOES want to appear for the court date--what if she changes her mind and is present, and he is not??<P>I would absolutely, definitely request a paternity test. It buys you some time in the proceedings, and there IS always the off-chance that he is not the father. Be sure.<P>I'm not sure I understand the welfare situation. Do you mean welfare she received before pregnancy?<BR>

Your H MUST appear in court as scheduled unless he receives written notification otherwise, lest a warrant be put out for him. XOW fed my H the same line, but lo and behold, on court day she was there with her hand out. <P>The OW file court papers to get the attention of our Hs and upset the Ws, but as time goes on, they realize that doing so will permanently sever relationships with Hs, so they make a last ditch effort to negotiate a deal which ensures contact with H. Sometimes its just better to pay the $$ and have as little contact as possible. <P>Since she has filed an alleged that your H is the father, they can now come after you for back support anyway, as they now know the particulars. Her backing out is only going to affect future payments. Plus, she can get your H to meet all of her demands and still file when she sees fit, or if her every whim is not heeded to her satisfaction. <P>It its really important for your H to take that paternity test. This might turn out in your favor. Good Luck!

I know it would be nice if your H could pay less, but I agree with the others. Keep legal and you won't be unpleasantly surprised down the road. Don't let her get the upper hand in a power struggle/remain in chummy contact/try to have something over on your H.... Remind yourself: why on Earth would either of you want to trust this woman?????<P>Stay strong!

to clarify the welfare situation--<P>OW did not tell my H about the baby until recently when she had him served with paternity/support papers. she had been on state medicaid and received welfare since the OC was born, OC is 2 1/2 years old now. so we are looking at paying that all back now. she originally told him she "had to do what she had to do" and they had stopped giving her welfare money until she named the father. so now, she is backing down and saying she only wants a last name for her child. and some money every month too.<P>thanks to everyone who responded so far, my gut feeling was not to go thru it, since i worry later she will change her mind, and this means actual contact with her, instead of the money coming out of his check. i don't trust her as far as i can throw her. my H is talking to her again today and i am searching for a lawyer for him to go to a consult. anyone know, who is better, a male or female lawyer in this kind of case? i think a woman might feel sorry for the OW. but not if she has ever been cheated on i guess. you never know. anyone in Arizona know a good lawyer???<P>thanks and have a great wednesday. back to work. yuck! <P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

<BR>h_g,<P>Its possible that her willingness to avoid the court system is because your H is not really the father. Under no circumstances should your H admit paternity until a DNA tests establishes things. Remember, once a paternity judgment is entered, it is essentially irreversible - even with conclusive DNA evidence that someone else is the father of the OC. You get one and only one shot at litigating paternity. Do not screw this up.<P>Bystander

I agree with everything said, you should NOT make any decisions until you have the DNA tests in your hands. <BR>You also should find out if he will still be responsible even if she backs out. In our state they will go after ALL the $ the state has put out no matter if she wants them to or not. <BR>Call a lawyer to get specifics and you may save yourself a lot of money and heart ache in the end. <BR>The side benefit is that she will see that your H is serious that he doesn't want a relationship with her.

I agree, get legal advice and go to court. Why would you ever trust anyone who screwed your husband. You need the DNA. That is something you don't want to wonder about for the rest of your life. Keep us informed. I am keeping you in my prayers. By the way why didn't you go with your H at these meetings? I wouldn't let my H meet with the OW without me present, who knows what she is telling him. <P>babstr.

Listen to me - DO NOT DO WHAT THIS OW SAYS - BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION - SHE HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES!!!!!!!! Please, plase get a paternity test. I am married to an idiot - that won't get one that - won't hire an attorney - that won't do anything but give the bimbo his time, money and ruin his marriage. My H even gives the B(*^% cash - and how in the world would he/we ever prove that he gave it to her. Men are such pushover for women that play their "sympathy act". <P>The child can have a name - "her last name". He is not married to her - so why would the child have your husband's last name? At least my H's OW's family talked her into giving the OC their family name - I think I would just lay down and die if the OC had "our" last name. So anyway - I'm sorry if I came on strong - but I've got a lot of stuff going on today with me and it just makes me so angry to see these OW get the best of innocent people (like you).<P>I wouldn't even let your H talk to her- I'd just tell her - we've contacted an attorney and they will get in touch with you and work something out. An attorney can work out an Agreement in writing that is signed by your H and she (after the paternity test of course) and she can agree to how much she wants, etc. and that she waives child support, etc. Don't try to manage this on your own. My H won't listen to me - but perhaps yours will and it will save you a lot of heartache and $$$ down the road if the child really is his. Hang in there and help him do the right thing.<P>------------------<BR>

thanks guys for the reality check. it just seemed to good to be true, if only she had done this before when we could have gone thru a lawyer, maybe we could believe her. can you believe my H still believes her, "she only wants a last name for the child". i told him where was her supposed kindness and worry about getting him involved with the courts when she sicked the child enforcement dept on him. and why now after all this time does she suddenly want him involved when she never told us before. i told him to wake up and smell the coffee!! men amaze me sometimes.<P>i told him to go to a lawyer and tell them the whole story and see what they think, and to call the OW and tell her we prefer to just keep in thru the courts THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! maybe she won't show and we will be there and they won't be able to prove paternity. will be be home free?? we will of course deny paternity until proven by DNA. if she just doesn't show up, what will happen? if she doesn't bring the kid for paternity test?<P>we think she might be afraid because she wasn't honest about her financial situation when she received the welfare. if we could show she lied would she be responsible to pay a portion of what she fraudulently took??<P>thanks again for all your help. i was just dreaming that all this would go away...<P>talk to ya all later. much thanks for the thoughts and prayers!!<P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

babst, to answer your question about why i let him go alone... i don't think i could stand to see her. i would probably lose control of my mouth and say some things that although true, would probably be mean. my husband's affair was brief and during a time in our marriage that was extremely rocky. i know he would NEVER do this to me again. he has learned his lesson. he did ask me if i wanted to come with him, but i said no thanks. i am not good at things like that. i get too emotional. i have no worry about that, although i would have liked to be a fly on the wall of the truck while they talked. oh well... just hearing her message, which i listened to over and over again made me sick. i just know i wouldn't have been able to handle being there. <P>it made me think of something pollpurebread said about how did we think the OW ever thought about how much pain she has caused us, our families? and i know she never thinks of us. she is a snake. hssss. <P>well, just wanted to answer your question. i had forgot to address it in my last post.<P>thanks!!!<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

Happy:<P>Print up this thread for your husband to read. He has to read the opinions of others who have been there to logically assess the situation.<P>Also, the OW's request to give the OC your family's name is asking WAAAAAAAAAY too much. Your family is your family with your family name identifying your particular family unit. The OC should have the OW's name, IMHO.<P>As far as getting "too emotional" in the presence of the OW; I would try to 'buck up' and maintain low tones and go with your husband when they have these 'meetings'. <BR>I would be nervous as a whore in church if I knew my husband spent one nano second with the Big New Yorker. Have a shot of tequila and go with him and think to yourself, "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...."<P>Catnip =^^=