I think I am in Plan A. My husband is living at home I actually found him reading His Needs Her Needs recently. I have been bustin a gut not love bustin. I never realized how nasty and belittling I could be until I made a conscious effort not to. Thinking about what I was just about to say or the tone it was intended, gave me time to think. I have been somewhat meanspirited - I think just from the hecticness of raising 4 children, working etc. I am not love busting big time right now. I also am giving my spouse alot more time of myself. We started playing tennis again and if he is working on the pool I might stand outside with him and keep him company while in the past I would think what chores could I get down now. I read on a another bourd about if you looked at your spouse as someone you wanted to date your behaviors would be loving and appeciative. I have sent Kevin small romantic/cutsey cards. I wrote him a letter about the different things I admire and respect about him. Granted I was hoping for more of a more verbal response about it from him but I keep plugging along. I feel that I am trying to fight windmills Thw windmill in this case is 22 year old who lives with he parents and is due in Dec. For his birthday next week I almost booked us a 2 night vacation in the Carribean. Is that too manipulative? I might have done it before all this happens and not worried about it. Also selfishly I want to give him something about HIM and ME to focus on as the OW baby becomes due. So, so far Plan A has us getting along very nicely,but somwhat superficially not discussing any or of our real issues(I guess that's what therapy is for)Holding ourselves together and working on being nice to each other and so far so good, I guess right? Now I want to discuss dna results and custody costs but it doesn't feel like the right time I feel the fog is slowly lifting and right now we should be only working on reconnecting RECONNECTING!! that's what I need ideas for! Well thanks for listening to me ramble on again. <BR> Kris

Kris, you are in such a hard place right now. I think the key is that he is still at home right now. Also, for us, the OW was in another state, I know that does not help, but this is where we were when He got STUPID.<BR> Does this sound familiar, " I love you, but I am not "in love" with you". She makes me feel good, and you don't. She does everything you do not.<BR> I remember the night I took off my wedding ring and asked for his. He was indignant, it had sentimental value to HIM. I was incredulous, how could a symbol of a marriage he wanted to end have sentimental value? <BR> I did go see a lawyer and asked what I could expect in a divorce and what could be done to slow things down. Once I got all the financials together, I went to him and said this where we are and where you will be if you leave with her. If you and she think that you will get to live happily ever after, you are dreaming. I was entitled a lot and as long as the children were minors the child support was going to tremendous. His "lover" would have to work to support me and our children, I was entitled to support commensurate to our standard of living. then I reminded him that he did still love me and that what we had had was still good if we just invested some time in it. <BR> I also showed him the statistics on second marriages with lovers. They aren't too great either. Most men leave their lover/wives within 2-3 years of divorcing the 1st wife. A lot say they wish they had never left the 1st wife. Always be honest, but keep your cool. I also set a deadline for myself that if he did not end it and recommit with in a year I would pursue a divorce. Does your state have laws against adultery? Also find the meanest lawyer you can find. I do not advocate divorce, but sometimes you have to prepare for it. Better to prepare than to be blindsided a second time. My lawyer told me she had had couples go from the divorce court to JP and remarry.<BR> Just hang in there, keep talking, let him know you love him in spite of himself. Remind him of all he will give up if he leaves. Have any of your friends or family expressed their opinions of his actions? Several men whose opinions he valued let him know that they thought his actions were demeaning to him and lowered their view of him. That was a step in the right direction. <p>[This message has been edited by Texasgirl (edited July 06, 2000).]

Kris, it sounds like you are doing a great job. Congratulations. He is there, he is thinking of things other than OW, you are feeling better... that is good enough. I know the feeling of wanting to rush ahead & "fix" stuff and discuss all sorts of issues. Do it later. Keep on mending. Later you will both be able to discuss this stuff from a new perspective... one of being on the same side. I promise, it happened to me & my H. He was so confused & in a mess. But now he is talking to kids when grilling saying "we all did this together & that is the way a family works". Could have knocked me over. <P>Remember, he spend a long time getting where he was. Years of growing apart & then months of deceiving himself about him & OW. <P>One thing that our counselor had me read was "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. My H was to read "light Her Fire". I could have chocked that counselor to death when he mentioned that book. This was early on in the whole mess. But the book was helpful. Lot of basic Plan A stuff actually. More about being kind & caring than over the top sexy (like the title implies). <P>Book the cruise. Just remember to only have fun while on it. No discussing this stuff. Act like you did when dating & no downer discussions. That will shock him won't it? <P>Have fun! Carolyn

Thankyou Texasgirl and Takingcare <BR> I think things are going well but I am extremely paranoid. I never expected anything like this from my husband and when you've had the rug pulled out from under you you become very wary. I just wish, wish, wish, they didn't work together but there is nothing I can do about it. So you really think the vacation sounds like a good idea and not too controlling? (have been accused of that) It is something I might have done anyway without all this happening so maybe not. <BR> I want to discuss things so much but have been very good about not pushing it and have left it alone. However when he had to call the OW last night to rearrange work schedules even though I was in the same room and pleasant on the outside I was seething on the inside -doesn't he think it hurts me to hear them so chummy? He says its over and they are just friends (YUCH)!! I do not LB and I can honestly say that what has saved us so far is Plan A. The one thing I don't understand is that if I give him a card or something (ileave it for him to find in the AM before work) he never acknowledges it. More second guessing on my part but I continue to do it because we seem to be going in the right direction. Keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers. <BR> Kris

Get used to using "I" messages. When you leave a card for him, mentally give him time to respond, " I liked the card" "Thans for the card" etc. If you get nothing, just say "Hey, did you like the card?" If he gets a little fussy about you asking, tell him you're trying to make things better and if something works you'd like to know so you can continue it. If it doesn't work, then you'll stop. Then maybe a kiss on the cheek, as you leave the room. Everything must be up beat. Use the forum for letting off steam. I'm not a touchy feely person, my H is, I had to adapt and become that way towards him. That was a need he had. I need my space. Keep in there.