DD,<BR>This is horrible!!! I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this drama DD. But first and foremost YOU DO NOT WANT TO KILL YOURSELF!!! You have way too much to live for...your little girl being number one. She is your blessing, get strength in knowing you are her mom. I left my finance and for two years I was a single mom and I found strenghth in all that I accomplished by myself. Your husband's treatment toward you is unexcusable and downright evil. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT!!!! and most importantly he doesn't deserve you, nor does he deserve to see you suffer as you are because of him. I hope your therapy session does some good. I do wish I lived in TN, but I don't but nevertheless I am here for you. I will be checking in on you so please let us all know how you are doing. I will be praying for you and remember to take care of yourself and your little girl.<BR>

DD, look at the topic headed, "Peeked out of my detachment..." in the General Questions forum. May give you a little encouragement. Plan B is tough, but it can work. That particular post is proof-positive.<BR> Hugs for you, ((((((DD)))))))<BR>

DD, I will probably get blasted for this, but maybe it was your husband needs. It's a littel tough love. What if you locked him out of the house? Either changed the locks or when he is home remove his keys to the house, your car, and then lock the house. Then file separation and get restraining order. That would get his attention. Then agree to meet him with your lawyer. Spell out what you want from this relationhship and see if he is willing to make it happen. Draw up a contract spelling out what needs to be done for this marriage to work and what will happen if he fails to meet the contract. Marriage is about love and commitment, but it is also a legal document in which two parties agree to love, honor and cherish each other and only each other. He has broken that contract and needs to understand that when one breaks a contract there are repercussions. Radical, yes, but maybe that is what he needs. If nothing else you get your selfrespect back,. Good luck, TG

DD... I haven't had much time to read or post lately & am catching up. I will keep it simple. Texasgirl is right.<P>Plan B. Go get a legal seperation, file for child support & see a lawyer. This doesn't mean you will end up divorced, but you will get your point across. One he is sitting in a lawyers office he might start taking this seriously. My H found out that I knew about the A when I filed divorce papers. After that we started talking. My H needed that approach. Otherwise he would have done same thing of telling me I was crazy (which he had already done when I mentioned that maybe something was wrong).<P>Part of being a mother means protecting your child & taking care of yourself. It is time to do that & stop allowing yourself to be abused. Your H & OW are idiots and cruel people. Stay away from both of them. Make sure that legal visitation is set up for your D and that it specifically states that OW cannot be around when your H and D visit. Wish I could come go to the lawyer with you. You need a SERIOUS Plan B. <P>Carolyn

Dear DD,<P>I just wanted to post to you to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't have much advice to give, as I can't imagine how you are being so strong, but I can offer my support. I read all the other posts and agree with them all. You need to look out for you and your daughter. You deserve better treatment. I don't know about the plan A and plan B stuff because we dealt with the affair over 3 years ago. But it sounds like you are supposed to be plan B-ing all the way. <P>How was your therapy session? I hope you found a good therapist. Please be strong for you and your daughter. She needs you and you will teach her the right things to do. You can't go on letting you H treat you like he is. I don't know him but what he is doing is wrong. He may be a good person, but good people sometimes do bad things. I think that right now he just thinks you will always be there when he decides to come back, well give a little dose of reality. Show him you can and will make it on your own if you have to. Tell him you love him and want to work things out, but you will not let him continue to treat you this way. It may take a little cold water in the face for him to realize you aren't just gonna let him get away with this.<P>Well, that is all I will say. Please take care of YOU. You are in my prayers.<P>happy_girl

Connie:<P>I am going to say something completely against MB principles.<P>I hate him for what he is doing to you. His behavior is completely evil and amoral. And his whore seems to delight in your pain. In fact, she is the kind of woman who gets her feelings of self worth from having an unavailable man temporarily want her. Then she thinks she's worth something. Pathetic.<P>What he is doing to your and to your daughter is so incredibly and completely evil, I feel sick.<P>I hope you leave him, file papers and divorce his abusive a$$ if a stringent Plan B doesn't work.<P>I am just seething right now. He is so completely, blatantly hurtful and destructive...and you're allowing it. And he doesn't even try to stop hurting you! And he makes absolutely no effort to restore or repair! And the things he says to you are the most disresepctful things I have ever heard. Who the hell does he think he is?<P>And you allow it by always taking him back the next moment. No wonder it never lasts...it's too easy. <BR>He treats you with such disrespect...he knows he can get away with it and knows that you are so vulnerable that he can dish out any sort of pain and you'll instantly take him back as soon as he says a couple nice things because you want to beleive it so badly.<P>You got the power. You got the power to change your life and make him crawl on his belly like the complete snake he is. I have noticed the very moment he sees you asserting yourself in any way, he suddenly 'gets religion' and panics and starts muelling about how "we will make this work" crap, then you instantly 'cave' and he thinks 'ha ha, I got her where I want her" and he's off and running with the whore, openly without any concern or consideration for your precious feelings after your generosity of allowing him to stay home with you in the FIRST place when you first found out about that pig whore and the OC.<P>Connie. I can't stand to hear his complete and utter disregard for your feelings and his complete and utter disrespect of you as his wife, your child's mother and as an devoted wife and a woman of character. He is evil and abusive and does NOT deserve you.<P>You do not deserve this.<BR>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited July 07, 2000).]

Cat:<P>Wow - you're right - - I do not deserve this at all! My H even told me - "I don't deserve you." I guess I'm too forgiving for my own good. I think - like you said - that he can treat me any kind of way - and say 2 nice words - and I let it all go. I know I do that - I don't know what's wrong with me - I guess I am loyal to a fault!<P>Loyal loyal - loyal. Sick - huh - well he tracked me down last night at his mom's (she had invited me and my D to dinner) and you talk about sugary, syrupy, crap - he was like "eat up with me". Yeah - after he tells bimbo - whore - to hit the road (for a day, a weeek, who knows) then he thinks I should be "sitting pretty" and waiting. <P>He had called me yesterday and told me that he wanted to get himself fixed and see a counselor and for me to go wtih him - and that he would call someone (right that minute) and he would call me back - last night when he was being all sweet - I asked him if he had a counselor - and he said "no". I said "see, you have no desire to do anything". Then he kept trying to come up to me and rub on me and (he actually wanted sex) - I wanted to puke - It's as if he thinks - "ok, well I gave up Whore Face and now I'm ready to focus on you!" Yeah - right - in your dreams.<P>I do love him (How I do not know) - but I really hate him too - everytime I look at him I see 'her' face. So that's good- that keeps me from falling under his spell. He is very very charming and I definately see how her stupid 22 year old [censored] can fall for it - if I, 35, and fairly intelligent have managed to fall for it all this time. However, I have used my heart this whole time - and now - I'm using my brain. He ended up following me home last night and just acting as if nothing was wrong - and actually wanting to have sex (ha) Of course this a.m. he was all "pissy" and mad because I didn't "give in". He left with - don't call me, don't page - good luck with everything.<P>Then by the time I drive to work (30 min. drive) he has already called and left a msg. for me to call him and then called against just now and I wouldn't take his call - can you believe him?

DD:<BR>I am glad you are ok. No I cannot believe him! But it seems that his behavior is becoming a patern...nice,bad,nice,bad,abusive,and so on...<BR>Did you go to your counselor?I hope you did, what did your counselor say? <BR>I am glad you are not taking his phone calls, doesn't feel good to be in control? I am sure it does. Please DD go to Plan B ok? Ask him to go to your house, because that is to easy for him, he cannot miss you if he is around.<BR>Okay I am here if you want to talk.<BR>fambis

I have to say I agree with Catnip. While I know you don't want to hear such bad things about someone you love you have to move on. You need time to heal.<P>You don't need someone pooring salt in the wound. Stay strong. Don't let him pull you back down. I know he's being so sweet now but don't fall. If he wants to prove himself let him continue to be sweet while you get on with your life, with or without him. I'm sure he doesn't "enjoy" hurting you but the fact is he "is" hurting you. More than anyone could ever hurt someone else.<P>If you ask me I'd rather be tied to a table and have my fingernails pulled off than to feel the pain we all feel. That would be no comparison.<P>Let him call you all day if he wants. Don't take his calls. DD make plans for the weekend. You KNOW he's going to come around. Don't get sucked in. Be strong!!! Demand respect. You deserve the best. I'm thinking of you. LSM

Thanks guys - I appreciate the support. I'm doing fine today - I'm very up - positive - and not lettings his "words" do anything to me - I have a protection shield up against him. My counselor helped me a lot yesterday. She said - it was very obvious that my H has lost touch with reality. He is still not taking responsibility for his actions. He is blaming me - her - anyone - except himself. She told me to tell him "well, you've made a huge mess of this marriage - and since I didn't have to tell you how to mess it up and how to get in bed with a 19 year old - then I'm not gonna tell you how to fix it. You're a grown man - I'm sure you have any resources to fall back on to figure it out." She said that I was too much of a "fixer" and that I want to fix things even when I don't break them - and that is very very true of my personality. That's why I guess I keep dealing with this crap = Anyway - I'm going to go to my sister's house probably for the weekend - her H moved out (bless her heart) so he can "think". Men make me so sick - they are so selfish- it's like "World please stop and make me feel good - all the time - just me me me me!" LSM, you're right - I would rather be tied down and have my fingernails taken off one by one - the pain of this affair/oc issue - is one that is unbelievably painful - because especially having the OC - it truly never goes away.<P>------------------<BR>

You know...I have to confess. If some night and shinning armor walked into my life and offered to take me away from all this and love me forever...I can't say 100% that I wouldn't let him. Is that bad?

Dear DD:<BR>I am so glad to hear that you are being very positive today. I am also very glad that you are spending the weekend with your sister. That way you can gather your strenght and your thoughts. <BR>It is so true about trying to fix things, he is the one who has to fix this mess. About the OW/OC you are right I also rather be tied down and let them pull my nails one by one and let them apply alcohol to them after they pulled them than to be in this situation. But remember we are here for you and we understand what you are going through. I also want you to remember that you are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON and that you will find happiness and peace SOON! I promise! <BR>

lost soul mate:<BR>You are not alone everybody dreams about those fantasies! I sometimes think if I would still be dealing with all this CRAP if I had my fantasy man sweep me off my feet, guarantee me 100% worry free happiness, and that I will never ever ever have to deal with this or even remember this happen to me!

Do you think our WS might have felt this in some way and that's why we are all where we are?

double post--oops!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited July 07, 2000).]

lostsoul, I think you are on to something there. Affairs are fantasies, just like your pretend dream man fantasy, which the XOW probably had. The truth is research says we all carry unresolved issues into our next relationship, so that if we don't "solve" the last relationship (alone or with that spouse), we will just repeat the same problems. Isn't that scarey?! Helped motivate us to stay together...<P>DD, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think the the counselor is right on. Stay strong!

DD,<P>Just checking in to say hi and that you seem so much stronger today. Good for you. Have a good time at your sisters. You are taking care of you, which will help you daughter too! God Bless!<P>happy_girl

DD - Is your name Connie, too? eee gads.<P>I do hope you are having a wonderful weekend at your sisters and that you find that you have some support. <P>Thinking about you (((DD)))

DD,<P>I hope that your weekend went well. I have been off the boards for a couple of hectic days, but I have been reading what is going on. Take care, stick to Plan B, and take care of your daughter. I am curious how she is doing through all of this. Has she had to witness the way he treats you? I hope not, that makes her even more of a victim. Keep in touch. I am praying for you!<P>babstr.

Hey - yeah my name is Connie (!) Well, the weekend was a mixture of bittersweet - I guess. I went to my sister's on Friday and had a good time. My parents were there and my H found me and I actually answered the phone - so I was busted. He told me that he couldn't stand it without me, etc. etc. He told me we could go to counseling - he would do whatever. I know that I want to believe him- but I know beter not to. My D can't stand not seeing her father. That is the hardest thing in all this. All she has ever known is me and my H together - Saturday - I went with my MIL to get a bed for my D - H had to be there (because he had a truck) to load it up, etc. We all went to lunch - and it was very nice - H was talking about the future as if we would always be together - <P>He asked me to please give him another chance - if not for me - but for our D. I am so torn - I cannot be hurt again - yet if there was some chance . . .<P>------------------<BR>