Wow I cant believe I am here- I cant believe any of us are here! What a horrible horrible place to be in. I am so sad for us. Thinking a lot about DayCDis. right now what pain you are in. Please find your strength now in your little girl. Hug her. That is where I get my strength and have for 1 1/2 years.<P> Been visiting Marriage Builders for a while now and am very happy for this board dedicated to us in this nightmare situation. No one can understand this situation. H and I have been in Counseling for about 4 months I like the counselor and his concepts but so far I am not able to glean much from it. So I am glad to have the advice of people in my exact situation. People who know the pain, who understand why we cant have the OC involved in our lives at least for now...<BR> <BR> I am rambling I have to go to work But I am going to be back later to post " my situation"<P> I was just wondering for right now have any of your H's OW been married to other men at the time of conception? If so how has it been Handled in court. Was the OW's H held responsible or what? If you dont mind sharing.<P> Thank you all for beeing here and sharing in this safe place. <BR> 2Hurt

2Hurt,<BR>Our XOW was married when she had the affair. She had an "open" marriage so her H knew of and accepted that she was having an affair. When she found out she was pregnant (H used a condom but it broke), they first ruled out that her H was the father (he had had a vasectomy and was tested to ensure that he was still sterile). He left her for a couple of months during the pregnancy but then returned home. XOW & her H also have an 8 year old D. Her H accepted the fact that he would help raise the OC but did not want to legally be considered her father. So, XOW left the father's name blank on the birth certificate. The wanted my H to sign an Acknowledgement of Paternity so that his name could be added as the father. We wouldn't sign anything until after the DNA test (actually, my H ever did sign the form .. unless he did so without telling me). We agreed on an amount on child support that we would pay them. We did all this without going through any lawyers. My H had consulted a lawyer early on to determine how much child support would be required. After the OC was born, the XOW's marriage went down hill and they recently got a divorce. So much for their "open" marriage!<P>Anyway, I hope this helps a little. I know that we are at risk since we didn't go through the courts but we have accepted that risk. We don't want to have to pay all the lawyer's fees unless we have to. <P>Audrey<P>[This message has been edited by Audrey (edited July 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Audrey (edited July 06, 2000).]

The XOW was married all during the affair/conception and going through the divorce process just before the birth. We do not know if the divorce was final at the time of the birth and her state refuses my H a copy of the birth certificate because H is not on it. We don't know what it says. However, we did get a positive DNA test and court orders to provide child support and health insurance. Her X pays support for the two kids they had together and he is involved with those children; have no idea if he also watches the OC (he was the kind of guy that might have), but don't see how he could be legally responsible for the OC, given the DNA test.

<BR>Jenny,<P>The marital presumption of paternity laws have been enforced when an OM impregnantes a married woman and the OM sues for paternity. IIRC, the US Supreme Court decided on a California case just last year (or maybe it was in 1998) in which a married couple decided that they wanted to keep the OC, and the OM was denied paternity - even when he had DNA evidence that he was the biological father.<P>2hurt,<P>The consensus among marital therapists is that open marriages always fail. Clinching this with good survey data is difficult, partly because well-designed longitudinal studies are quite expensive, and because the incidence rate of open marriages is very low to begin with. Almost comically, the 1972 book <I>Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples</I>, often cited by polymorists even today, was written by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. They later divorced! <P>Bystander

Bystander,<BR>That works great when a married woman's H wants to raise the OC of affair as his, but did not help our situation any. However, I'm glad we have such a "legal eagle" around to help with these sticky issues.<P>Keep postin'!