you know, i just don't get it. she pops out of nowhere with the news of the OC and takes my H to court. we have yet to go, but today she called my H again. he had not talked to her as planned because we are not falling into whatever plan she has. <P>anyway, she called him on his cell while he was at work, and said they need to talk. he told her he was working and that he was busy but she could call him later. she asked how much longer and he said a couple of hours, and she said fine she would call back. then she calls 10 minutes later and says that she isn't gonna waste her time waiting to talk to him, that she doesn't want anything from him anymore and that to forget everything. <P>well, she can't forget things that easy. she has started a court case and the state will not just let her drop it like she thinks. we can't figure out what her problem is. first she starts it, then she regrets (?) it and now says she wants nothing from him. all this is driving me crazy. i am obsessed with all of it. ahhh.<P>i went to the family court center yesterday and got the papers we need to file for the response. we are denying paternity until proved by DNA. we have a consult with an attorney on tuesday and papers are due by monday the 17th. we have a name of another attorney and are gonna call him monday to see if we can get a consult with him too. anyone have any opinions on whether a male or female is better given our situation?? <P>i have been tempted to call the OW myself and tell her to leave us alone we will see her in court. but i chicken out. i am not much at confrontations and i know i could end up screaming and crying. i am very emotional. anyway, just needed to vent. take care and talk to ya later. what do ya'll think of this situation? what is she up to??<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

The OW is a pathetic excuse for a person!!<BR>You might do well to change you phone numbers and have them remain unlisted for a while. May i ask why you are allowing your H to take calls from her? It sounds to me like she is unsure that the OC is his and is trying to deal her way out of this mess that she created. <BR>The OW in our case has made no attempt at contact and i thank God daily for that. However if she did attempt to call my H he would just tell her that any contact between them has to be made through the courts or her mother. Then he would very quickly hang up. You could even tell her that any future contact should be made through your lawyer.<BR>I pray you will have the strength to put her out of your thoughts as much as possible so you can work on the important things in your life.<BR>Remember this too shall pass.

well, it is monday. exactly one week till all the court papers have to be in. i know this week is going to go by slow and stressful. OW never called back, thank goodness. although i am VERY curious as to what she is up to. what do you guys think? i just can't figure her out, but hopefully soon this will be over. and we will only have to deal with her thru the courts. she is making my life hell right now. <P>anyway, hope everyone had a good weekend. we did, except for the OW calling. talk to ya later!<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

<BR>H_G,<P>First, do NOT call the OW unilaterally. She could swear out a protection order against you and run up your legal expenses on baseless charges. This in fact happened to Catnip, so I think you're best off just avoiding any direct contact (so is your H, but that goes without saying, obviously).<P>You're right about the state not dropping the paternity suit against your H. They will want to collect back welfare money if at all possible. So continue to deny paternity until DNA tests establish otherwise. I hate to be cynical, but from what I've seen in this forum, no OWs <I>ever</I> drop a CS suit unless there is doubt in their own mind about the paternity. I think its partly a revenge thing, "If the baby didn't hook him, then I'll avenge his rejecting me by making him pay through the nose via the unfair child support laws!" Whew, someone pinch me, I'm feeling cynical right now! <P>Bystander

I wouldn't worry about what the child's mother is up to, let your lawyer do that. Not to defend her, but she is probably humiliated, afraid for her child's future (there is a stigma attached to illegitimate babies, and emotional problems for children who don't know their father), she's confused and alone. Let the lawyers handle any contact and problems. I wouldn't get involved too much at all, for your own sanity. I'd voice what I want to my husband, and let him take care of the lawyers, court, everything, and hope he will be more empathetic to my feelings with his decisions than in the past.

been both,<P>sorry, but i don't feel a bit sorry for the OW, the OC yes, but not for OW. she knew exactly what she was doing when she went after my H, knowing we were married and having met me. she knew we were having marital problems and chose that time to go to find my H while he was staying at his brothers house. i know my husband is not blameless, but he has apologized and proved to me he regrets what happened.<P>she wanted nothing from us until a couple of months ago. the OC is almost 3. so i don't feel sorry for her. she is a grown woman who made her own decisions. i don't care what her feelings are, she doesn't feel sorry for me, has never said sorry for what she did. so screw what she feels. don't know what you were trying to do, but you sure didn't help me feel better. thanks anyway.<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited April 15, 2001).]

Been Both:<P>I hope every OW who ever knowingly got in bed with a married man is humiliated to the core. <BR>And if the OW was ever "afraid" for her child, she should have done the UNSELFISH thing for all concerned, especially the OC, and given it up for ADOPTION. She should have made damn sure from the beginning that there would not have been an OC to be afraid for. <BR>She should have considered the impact her selfish and evil actions would be on the family of the married man she was screwing.<P>Had the OW walked away the MOMENT she learned the man was married and never looked back, she would have gained my respect, she would have her dignity and self-respect and my life would be very different today...perhaps I would even feel the joy in my heart like I once did every day of my marriage before all this happened.<P>So much was stolen from all of us here...it's as if the OW's all got away with it...they get all the consideration, our money, put us through unspeakable legal turmoil...<P>Catnip =^^=

well said catnip, i was just posting a rant but now i probably won't. this been both person only posted once, to my post. and it made me mad. i don't feel sorry for the OW. she is a disgrace to women. and that been both person made me mad. probably some lady from gloryb.com and wanting to make someone mad. well, she did. made me mad, sad and totally irritated. i get so easily emotional and her post just did it. i hope she doesn't come back. or if she does that she leaves me alone. if she would read all our posts and see what these stupid OW do especially when they have the OC, she would see that it causes so much pain and i haven't seen to many repentant OW. at least the OW in our case seems to not care. sorry i am so mad, but she just pushed the buttons on me. thanks for posting...<BR><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

Happygirl and Catnip, I really don't think BeenBoth had malicious intentions at all. Because of her tag, we know she once was an OW, and that fact alone p*sses us off. I think BB was trying to make us feel better by giving us the knowlege that OW's victory in this situation is hollow, much more hollow than OW ever anticipated. I don't think she was trying to elicit pity for OW. As Catnip said in another thread, pity for OW would be misplaced. <P>But as to her claim of a stigma attached to illegitimacy, where is that? In the Big Apple, women flaunt these children and all of their 'daddies' like nobody's business. They are not ashamed in the least. Family courts are fairly erupting with unwed moms. Perhaps if a stigma were to still exist, many of us would not be in our unhappy circumstances now.

pollypurebred,<P>i reread my post and know that when i wrote it i was really mad. but i don't care about the OW. beenboth only posted once and it was to this thread, hardly someone out trying to help. so i stick with my original idea. but i was a bit sad/mad last night. bye.<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

Happy Girl, I know what you mean about not caring about all the misfortune the OW is suffering because of her own stupid, selfish choices. I agree with you 100%. If she didn't want her child to be fatherless, there are many things she could have done, first and foremost, not having sex with an unavailable man, who in fact was someone else's husband. If she is now embarassed, so what? Not one of the OW any of us on this board are dealing with seem to give two hoots about our humiliation or concerns for the children of the marriage they tried so desparately to destroy, so why should we waste our empathy on them? I totally understand your anger because I live it every hour of every day.<P>No way am I saying that we should give a damn about 'poor OW' and the precarious position in which she chose to place her child. When I saw you getting so angry I got confused because I interpreted BeenBoth's response as something not an attack or plea for understanding, but in a convoluted way, a reassurance that OW's life is not one big Mardi Gras after having pulled off her shameless stunt. I for one like to hear that OW suffer as a direct result of their own heartlessness. Good for them.<P><BR>

hey polly... i wasn't mad at you. just mad at the situation and the poster. i guess you see things different and i agree that sometimes it is nice to know that the OW's do have problems after they cause all this pain. thanks for the post. and sorry i was sooo grumpy. <P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

I agree with everyone on this subject. I get angered all the time about how the OW must be struggling as a single mom. There are all kinds of single moms. <P>Society should not embrace these women. I know that there are women in my H's office who "felt sorry" for this OW. WHY? I guess no one felt sorry for me and my daughter, they all knew about it, and no one told me. it just angers me. <P>babstr.

Polly:<P>You are so wise, the thoughtful voice of reason amid raw emotions. You are absolutely right and you are eloquent in your assessment of the situation. <P>I picked up on the gist of what BB was trying to do as you did, but I careth not. I realize it was her way of reassuring us that the OW's have their bags of misery, however, all I can say about that is "Good. I hope they are miserable and they reap the karma that they sow." I am fresh out of empathy.<P>I should be ashamed for my blatant ill-will toward OW's but I have been under attack by the OW in our situation to the extent that a detective contacted my son who shares the same first name as my husband. Now my son is suspicious. <P>This detective called my son thinking he was my husband and mentioned to my son (who knows nothing) that the OW is trying to have me picked up for violating her phony restraining order against me for sending her court documents I was required by law to send.<P>Pox on OW's everywhere.<P>So much for keeping this quiet.<P>Catnip =^^=