The few people I did tell about this situation seem to overwhelmingly advise me to "just get over it". How many of you ladies have been similarly advised? How do you respond? I get so annoyed when I hear my nightmare thus oversimplified that I become flabbergasted and tongue-tied. What's a great comeback? Thanks all.<p>[This message has been edited by pollypurebred (edited July 10, 2000).]

Dear Pollypurebread:<P>There is really no good answer for those people, I have found out that the best answer to those dumb comment in no answer at all. I usually do not answer back, but I remain quiet, that usually makes them feel bad and they usually say:"I am sorry I did not mean to say it that way".<BR>The problem is that the people who usually say that to you have never been in this type of situation so they think is like breaking up or something or they are quiters who believe that you should not be dealing with this. <BR>I have found that this group is the best thing that has ever happened to me because I can express my self and let you guys know how I feel and nobody judges me or tells me to get over it, so just ignore those people.

I haven't told many folks, since i am not sure what purpose it would have to let them know. My H has not flaunted this A, so not many people know. A few have automatically said "I would leave". I also just basically do not respond, or either state that I am acting slowly to make sure my children are best taken care of. <P>I also think most folks just have a throw in the towel attitude, as if this was junior high school & you just move on to the next one. Maybe THAT attitude is what is really wrong with this country. No sense of permanance or the long term impact of actions. Anyway... I agree, just ignore them. <P>

It's an ignorant attitude and I agree silence is probably the best response. You can't change those people and they can't change you. I have gotten similar responses for each of my four pregnancy losses, including the baby I went to term with. Things that make people uncomfortable some want you to "forget", which is just more dysfunction. Silly if it weren't so painful...

Well I think I agree for the most part. I do feel that these people do not know how they would handle only how they think they would handle it. I feel there is a point where you do "Just get over it". When it's time to accept reality, dust yourself off and move on giving yourself the life you deserve. But while you are still grieving for the life you lost (yours) there isn't much advice anyone can give you.<P>I have not told anyone. My husband confided in two of his good friends. Two people I consider to be my good friends. So I have talked with them. I get an unbiased opinion because they love us both. While if I decided to leave I would lose these friendships I know they'd always be there if I asked. Is there anyone you can talk with who wouldn't be so biased? I wouldn't recommend you talking with anyone else unless you know for sure they would allow you the room to "talk" and not offer any opinions about what they know nothing about.<P>Maybe it would be easy to walk away if you had nothing to lose (home, family, lover, friend, future, husband, etc.). I could go on and on. I think today if I didn't have my D and our home I might have walked away. But for 12 years I've built this life for ourselves and when you were somewhat happy with it you can't just say "I'm not going to take this I'm leaving". And just be able to pick up and move on. If that's the case maybe the love wasn't true. Or you are the world's superhero.<P>Remember you do what's best for you. Just make sure you are being true to yourself. And taking care of yourself. LSM

Thanks guys. These days I bounce back and forth between turning the other cheek or giving the finger to the uninformed. THANK GOD we have this board to come to! No one else can possibly understand.

polly,<P>i agree with everyone here for the most part. i have only told my 2 close friends and a internet friend i met, they are all women and all have been wonderful. they basically tell me that if i decided to stay that there are certain things i will have to deal with, but they understand. and they don't bash my H, i don't need that either. he is my H and only i can bash him <P>his brothers know and that is about it. and his mom. my family has no idea and i plan to keep it that way. it would only hurt them to know. and i have all of you guys so i don't need anyone else to talk to about this.<P>no one ever really knows what they would do until they are actually in this situation. i remember adamantly saying i would leave my H if he ever cheated on me. but when it actually happened to me, i didn't see myself leaving like i had said. i think the best place/person is someone who has been there, or a real friend. which is someone that supports you without judgement and doesn't tell you to "GET OVER IT" it is just not that simple. i am sure we all wish it was, it would save us all the heartache we are going thru. so if we could, we would. <P>maybe that would simply be a good response...<BR>"believe me, if it was that simple, i would <BR>"get over it" in a heartbeat, but it isn't." that might shut them up.<P>take care my fellow forumers!! and thanks as always for all the help!<P>------------------<BR>happy_girl