Do you guys think that maybe this forum could benefit from having a sub-topic for those of us to post who are rebuilding, who are healing, who are moving on with their lives even after suffering this crisis? It just seems that this one is disproportionately filled with posts from people who have either just found out about their spouse's infidelity, who are separated from their spouses, going through divorce, and/or whose spouses are still involved with the OP. The reason I ask is, I just returned from a family weekend away to find a beautiful hope-filled and insight-rich post from Sherrilyn buried way back behind so many discouraging posts filled with pain, anguish, hurt, and anger. I've seen this happen all too often. Stone wrote a magnificent post a week or so ago that was barely noticed. Instead, his beautiful topic was changed from his great news of his progress to a debate about whether children are resilient. <P>I believe many of the misunderstandings that take place on this forum occur between people who are healing, forgiving, and rebuilding and people who aren't ----- whose spouses have moved out or are still cheating. At least, that's what I've experienced. It seems we are all thrown in here together in this infidelity melting pot, when we are all, obviously, at so many different stages in the process. <P>I don't know. Maybe we could all benefit from a separate forum under infidelity called "healing and rebuilding," or "success stories," or something where posts like Sherrilyn's and Stone's would be prominent.<P>Just rambiling .........<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

I think that's a great idea....maybe until then we could mark whether or not they're in that category? Like..add an "R" for rebuilding at the end of all posts of that description? Just a thought.<P>Hope all is well!<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Hi new woman. I see what your idea is. And I understand what you're saying.<BR>On the other hand, I think that having people that are already rebuilding or have been able to rebuild already can help those who are not there yet. <BR>I know that I needed that when things where starting last year. I just wanted to read about someone who had made it. To hope that it could be done.<BR>Yes sometimes it creates a bit of confusion being at different stages and all. People that are sufferign that much have trouble being rational sometimes. But all in all I guess ti can work.<BR>If you want we can also e-mail me at lwnd@hotmail.com.<BR>Take care<BR>And keep posting, you always have very interesting things to say.<BR>Kat

Hello new woman. I am new to this forum, but have been lurking since mid July. I have been following your story for quite some time now. I find that your insight and wisdom is extremely helpful and even inspirational. I would be very disappointed if those of you (like yourself) who have been blessed to have a second chance were to separate from those of us who are still going through the agony. I find reading accounts of what you went through have really helped comfort me. I understand what you mean about some of the good uplifting stories being lost in the heartache. I would just hate to see those of you who are in a different stage leave those of us behind who so desparatly need your words of wisdom. Please don't leave!

Shattered, <P>Don't you worry, I'm not leaving!! Thanks for your kind words. It does make me feel good to know I've helped someone.<P>Kat,<P>I think it's good for those in pain to see others who are rebuilding, but I think having a separate forum would be good because then the people who need that encouragement would know exactly where to go to find it. Whereas now, we have to go through so many discouraging posts to find it. Do you know what I mean? If the rebuilding posts were in another sub-topic, they'd be so much easier to find. Sherrilyn's post was buried, and if I hadn't brought it back to the top, it may not have been found by those who need it. <BR>I will email you. Thanks for the address. <P>Sad4now,<P>That's a good idea about marking the posts, but I still think they will get buried because there are so, so many more of the others. I guess that's a sad commentary on marriage and life. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Yes, I can see what you mean. I guess it would probably work, and as you say people that needed to hear about us could always go there and see our stories and how things are working for us, and we could always come here and post as well.<BR>It's an idea.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR>

NW - I know there are days when I am so down I can hardly read. I've heard others say the same. And some of those days, I go through tons of stuff just trying to find something positive to lift my spirits. It would be nice to know EXACTLY where to go when I need "success stories", inspiration, hints on how to handle good signs. I agree, I think it might be nice. As long as all you guys keep posting to us too and sharing your hard-found wisdom!!!<P>Lori

I think it's a good idea for several reasons... <P>This is selfish, but sometimes the pain and anger from those at the point of discovery or those who don't want to work at putting their marrages back together because they are still too "into" the OP brings me down. I also am somtimes reminded of my feelings for the OM and don't want to go there. <P>And, like some others, my feelings have been hurt when I offer what I consider to be sage advice, considering I am at the end of withddrawl and feeling very much like WORKING at the rebuilding process. Sometimes it seems like my words go unheard or are ignored. It isn't by everyone, of course, but there are a few who are in the deep denial/defensive place who truly DO NOT want to hear what I or anyone rebuilding has to say. <P>That's not to say that there isn't a time and place to interact. But there ARE times when I want to go straight to someone in the rebuilding process for advice and uplifting talk.<P>So, yes, I can see it...

New woman,<P>I really like this idea a lot. I am in a position where my H and I both want to rebuild, but still have lots of issues to overcome. These issues are really different than from those who are in Plan A/B or who are in withdrawal from their own affair. I'm constantly scanning the headlines for posts from people who are where I am, and they are hard to find.<P>

nw I think your idea is wonderful - we have even stopped coming to this bb as often as we used to because it is all so discouraging. The people whose stories we had been following are all gone - I assume because they have really improved or they have gone their separate ways? I would love to follow some positives right now. We are rebuilding though slowly and to see others who are in the same place would be encouraging.

No, I don't think it is a good idea. Because many people at different stages need someone from another stage to help them overcome and understand.<P>For instance, if we didn't have your insight as a betrayer/betrayed - many of us wouldn't understand or ever see life from another's perspective.<P>Sure, it can be a real negative when we are making progress and someone posts something negative and drags us down. But we have to be stronger at that point, and maybe by offering them some encouragement we get stronger ourselves. I know this tactic has worked for me. <P>Gee - there would only be about 3 people I could talk to if I could only talk to people in "predisclosure plan A". Dazed for one, and sweetpea just graduated to D-Day recovery.....So I guess I am down to 2?<P>I think there is a mistaken assumption going on, that recovery only begins after discovery. I don't believe that at all. Recovery can begin sooner. It is up to the individual when recovery begins, not up to the circumstance.<P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 07, 1999).]

I think that it would a good idea. I myself am trying to rebuild, but sometimes when I read some of the posts i get so depressed as if I just found out yesterday....it sends me into flashbacks and I feel like I am beaten down all over again, back at square one, so I love hearing positive posts. YES EVEN ME!! lol<BR>PS<BR>I am going to change my name to a more positive one also, that would help a lot!

I wish we had sub-topics, more than one...because I think we have a lot of things going on and it would help time-wise to be able to get right to what you need. I have taken to searching for usernames in order to go to posts that I think will benefit but there are always new people on and I am coming here less and less. It seems to me like we need some different topics, like 'Help for newly betrayed or those who think they are being betrayed', 'Help for betrayers to get their lives and marriages back on track', 'Help for marriages in recovery' or something like this......

maybe just if people remembered to really clearly desribe their posts, searching for the ones you want to see would be easier?<BR>I like the mixed forum we have though...you never know what nugget of wisdom you'll hit.<BR>As to the "forgotten" posts, i think a lot of people read them, and there is nothing to add, so they fall behind quickly.<BR>The 'human dramas' always get more attention than the 'news', for better or worse.

New Woman--<BR>I don't think I would have made the progress I did without advice from people who have been there. <P>If I only talked to people in withdrawl we would probably only discuss how much we missed the OP and would never learn how to move on.<P>Also, it's good to know that since I'm almost over my withdrawl I can try to help people who are now going through what I did only two months ago.

Guys,<P>Just because we would have separate sub-topics doesn't mean that we couldn't cross over!! It would simply mean that posts pertaining to certain topics (i.e. rebuilding, forgiveness, etc) would be easier to find. If you want to find posts on rebuilding now, you have to sift through so many others. If there were sub topics, you'd know exactly where to go to find them and you could be helped more readily. I think. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

NW,<P>Maybe it would be a time saver - but I probably wouldn't get the help that I need. Because I learn by seeing the patterns and what others are going through also. <P>Have you ever noticed how many "off topic" posts there are? Because the infidelity topic is the busiest here. You can go a long time before having any feedback on some of the other topics. There are many times I want to post (and have) under resolving conflict - but it just seems to die over there.<P>I really think a good solution is what love WAS blind suggested, and that is to post your topic very clearly, and you can skip over those negative posts. I do that sometimes when I know better than to read a negative post. If the title looks negative, and I'm not in a good frame of mind to handle it - I just skip over it.<P>Good thread though!

new woman<P> Like your idea - especially the concept of complimenting the forum. Not replacing interacting with everybody.<P>I share the few postings that I have made with my wife - we still have issues and insights we need to work on and a few we could share to help others of goodwill who want to work for a 'perfect marriage'. <P>Moderators... are you listening?????<P>Feel free to email us at lovinghubby@hotmail.com<P>Look forward to hearing from you and other interested loving persons and couples of goodwill.<P>Best LH & W

Bringing this to the top..<P>NW, I think it's a very good suggestion. The amount of people that benefit from the Marriagebuilders principles are not always in the same area, and in light of recent postings here, I really liked your idea.<P>Doesn't mean that interaction has to cease between the different forums, like you said, or help would be limited from others, I just think that we who are trying to rebuild in the stage we're in get tossed back sometimes with heated exchanges, or anger laden posts...not very productive to our healing process.

I responded on this subject on the "I was thinking" post and wanted to post it here too since it's more appropriate. <P>I believe that we should have 2 branches off the Infidelity board: <P>-1 for posts about those who are currently dealing with infidelity and a spouse who is not 100 % committed to rebuilding the marraige <P>-1 for posts about those where BOTH spouses are 100% committed to rebuilding after infidelity, who are committed to using the harley principals, but who need advice and strength and support.<P>Even though I would look for support and advice from the second board, I would still frequent the first one to maybe give opinions and to remind myself of the fresh pain that infidelity causes. I don't think it would divide posters up, but just give different focuses for each board.<P>I really think this is a good idea in light of the constant misinterpretations from people in different situations.<BR>