I know this is a delicate topic for a lot of people, but I was wondering how many of you have a deep desire to be intimate w/ your spouse,but have these ideas in the back of your head of what possibly could have happened w/the OP? Do you wonder if he/she is really thinking of you and not the OP? If you have been through this and have gotten past these thoughts please share and if you are currently going through it please share too. My H and I have resume our sex life and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking of. I start wondering if what I am doing is satisfying him or is he comparing me to the OW. If you have any ideas or strategies that helped you get past this please share. <P>Thank you,<BR>Stefanie

After a year and a half into recovery, I still have a problem with sex. I never had a problem before all this happened so I resent like hell that I feel so inadequate now. I never did before.<P>Now I wonder the same things you do and wonder if my husband 'enjoyed' her more, if sex was more 'exciting' with her, if he was more 'satisfied' with her. Ugh. It is a horrible mindset they deliver on us. <P>The feelings of abandonment and rejection we suffered when they left us for them has damaged us beyond what they could ever comprehend. They have no idea what it has done to us and how deeply we have been hurt and how our feelings of ourselves as a woman have been so diminished.<P>It is tragic that once my spouse belonged to me and me alone, but now that he has shared deep and profound intimacies so personal that should belong to only me with someone else, and did those things with someone else, I cannot come to terms with it yet.<P>No amount of reassurance consoles me. <P>When he first came home, we were intimate immediately and it was incredible. It was like it had always been with us. But, it was before I knew everything. <BR>The more I learned, the more it effected me sexually. But, that's me. I obsess. I obsess continually and I realize that I think about her and them together more than he does. He just wants to put it behind him and move forward. But the images in my head don't/won't go away. I have become so jealous.<P>He is remorseful and ashamed and is disgusted with himself for allowing himself that kind of involvement. <BR>I said to him the other day, "Our lives would be so much different today had you been satisfied with a casual flirtation at that party, then left and never pursued her. Why couldn't you have been happy with that?"<P>It's something we have to get through. I think when they have been home long enough, when our lives feel more stable and we are feeling more secure and loved, those ghosts will go away. The truth is that they probably never think about it and they probably enjoy us more than we realize.<P>Last night we had sex and during the whole thing I was self-consciencous and felt inadequate and clumsy. I started to cry because I never felt like that before October 1998 and it pissed me off. I wanted to feel like I used to...and I wanted him to be so happy with me, like he used to be.<P>Maybe it will come back in time. Right now I just struggle trying to get back what I had and try not to think about things so much. I wish I had the self-confidence I used to have but that has been taken from me as well.<P>I apologize for my negative stance but I am struggling with this one, too.<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^=

fedupinfl: When I first found out about this entire mess I went into shock and was numb for a day. The next day I told my H that it was over. That I loved him and was sorry we failed to be successful at our marriage. He came to be and put his arms around me. Not for many many months had I allowed myself to "feel" him next to me and love him the way I did that night. I thought it was over and it hurt so deep inside that we had failed. We cryed together. My H looked me in the eyes and told me we were going to grow old together.<P>We were intimate the next night. We were so close and it had not been so engaging for several months. Maybe years. I wanted him, wanted to be close with him, wanted to be one. I couldn't get close enough to him. It's been that way ever since. I now have my sex drive back. I don't know what happened. Though every time we make love I do wonder if "she" did it better, etc. But I feel confident enough that what I have to offer in the bed or out is richer than this OW could ever offer to my H. That only until she spends 12 years of her life with him will she be able to match what I give. That after 12 years my H still finds me attractive and wants to be intimate with me. That keeps me going. The newness may be getting the better of my H but he'll look back one day and regret this for the rest of his life. He'll have to live with that. Not me.<P>Stay proud of yourself and who you are. Don't let anyone take away your pride and your self worth. You are worth so much more and someone will notice...some day. Walk proud. Stay strong. NO ONE can give what you have given to your H. NO ONE! LSM<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

Lost Soulmate:<P>Thanks, i needed that.<P>Catnip =^^=

You are very welcome. It's truer than you'll ever know. I'm praying for all of you

Thank you Catnip and Lostsoulmate! I really do appreciate what you said and I hope that evrything will continue to blossom for us. Lostsoulmate, when you said that the OW could not give my H 10 yrs. like I have, that struck a cord w/ me and made me think. You are right. We have been together for 10 yrs. and the majority of those years have been wonderful, she can not compete w/ that. My H tells me that if he wanted to be w/ her he could've told me that and he would be gone so I guess there is some truth in that statement. <P>Thanks, Stefanie<BR>

fedupinfl<P>I too have experience the same feeling that you are having. My D-day was December99. We did sleep together that night when he came home (he works out of town and it was two weeks after I found out that he came home).<P>I also cried afterward and wonder if I had done the right thing. I would be making love with him and all of a sudden I see him and OP together. I kept see him with her and that was not good. I ask him if he was thinking of her when he was with me or vice-versa. He said that that was then and now he is only thinking of me and me only.<P>For a time after D-day he would lose his eraction when we were together. At first I though it was me, that he did not want to be with me. But we talked about it and I found out that he was trying so hard to please me, that he got overwelmed<P>But I still have flash backs, which I am going though now. But my H tells me everyday that he loves me and that he did mess up, he is sorry and he wants things to be like they were. <P>I just try to think up good, positive things, us, our children and tht we are soulmates and the fact that he still loves me, and all that he has done to change.<P>ITS

I just wanted to say congratulations to all of you that are trying to move on. I still have not had sex, and I still don't want to. Right now I have been working on my marriage, and there is alot of things still pending. For me, sex is the icing on the cake. And right now we are working on getting the ingredients to get make a cake. I truly feel that is the only part of me, that I can still hold onto and protect. <P>Sex had a very different space in my life, I had only been with three men including my h who I loved. It was always the last part of the relationship. Until I can fully trust him, I feel like I am a virgin again. Like I will not give that part up until I know that he will not hurt me again. <P>My H led a lifestyle before me of sex and alcohol. He has most likely slept with over 75 women. So here I was a trusting and loving person, who only slept with those that I had a long term relationship with. <P>Alot of my anger revolves around the fact that my H lied, and did not protect me. He could have gotten a diesease, and thus I would have passed it onto our daughter while pregnant. Or I could be sitting here with AIDS. Why because he wasn't even smart enough to get checked at a doctor. Now I understand the betrayal, and the pain. But I will never understand rolling the dice with my health, and my life. Until I can get past those feelings, then it isn't going to happen. <P>He has never left the house, and we have been working on everything else. I am having some health concerns in the form of panic attacks because it is dragging on, and I am getting scared. <P>I look forward to the day when I resume my sex life in full trust, and love and no questions, cause only then will it be worth waiting for. Just my two cents, on where I am. I know that I am the minority in this area. <P>babstr.

Ok<P>How do you even get back to sex?<BR>It has been 11 mo with none.<BR>W has no interest.<BR>W flat out rejects me.<BR>It "rejection" hurt like hell so I stopped even trying.<P>17 yr marriage been on rocks for 18 mo. Maybe longer depending on how much truth is in her story.<BR>Only progress is that she did not leave as she said she would several times. <BR>I do not want to lose her or the kids.<BR>I do love her.<BR>She will not tell me what she needs from me. Says she needs her confidence back.<BR>seems to think separation will do that.<P>

inthisboat2:<P>I am a female who does not know how I would feel towards my spouse if I were the betrayer, so I don't know how your wife feels. I can only tell you what does it for me and what makes me want my husband.<P>While I was licking my wounds and trying to heal, my husband would rub my feet while we sat on the sofa with a fire in the fireplace, listening to the radio, drinking coffee while we chat.<P>He leaves little yellow sticky Post-It notes stuck to the coffee pot in the morning telling me he loves me, thinks I am beautiful and that he will be thinking of me while he's at work.<P>He sings me funny, sometimes dirty little songs and makes me laugh.<P>He stares at me from across a room with love in his eyes and tells me I look good enough to eat and I am the cutest thing he's ever seen.<P>He makes me feel beautiful, he makes me feel special and he makes me laugh. He talks to me, spoils me and makes great coffee. He tells me about his day and about the people he works with describing their quirks and idiosyncracies and paints an entertaining and interesting picture of his day and the people he meets. <P>These little things lay the foundation and the mood for what the possibilities will be for later. When you make love to a woman, it starts when you wake up and make constant small steps towards the eventual act later that day or later that week. <P>You can lay the ground work by surprising her with flowers and leaving her notes and sharing yourself with her.<P>I know what does it for me...<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^=