I have been reading a lot of posts lately where the blame is being cast the wrong person.<BR>I do not believe that we can "make" someone happy all the time and we should not be expected to. I can't even make myself happy all the time, and i know what makes me happy.<BR>My H takes full responsibility for this whole thing. Yes, there were needs of his that went unmet. These needs were never mentioned to me and he does not hold me accountable for meeting them. He chose to pretend like he didn't need those things. If i had known he needed them i would have more than willingly met those needs, thereby avoiding this entire situation.<BR>The unmet needs are the cause of the A, but the A is in no way my fault. My H has spent many hours trying to explain this to me and i'm finally getting it.<BR>To all of you out there who feel like YOU somehow caused your spouse to break their vows; get past it. They made a choice to not tell you what you could do to meet their needs and they also made a choice to find someone else to meet those needs. They did not ask us if it was ok for them to find someone else to meet those need, so we are not responsible for their choice.<BR>I think all of you are the strongest people i have ever met and it breaks my heart to hear you take responsiblity for your WS's decisions.<BR>Stay strong and remember God loves you and this too shall pass.

1fool: First off I think you shoudl change your name. You are not a fool. Though it feels like it somehow.<P>I agree with you. However now that I think back even during the months of the affair my H tried to reach out to me. He told me he doesn't feel a "wanting" from me. An adoration that I use to have. He didn't get the affection he needed from me. I also found several times our wedding video in the VCR. I knew I wasn't giving these things to my H. But I was so hurt and bitter I wouldn't allow myself to give them. My needs weren't being met either and my defense was to not meet his. I was wrong. I did express to him over and over again what I needed but he disregarded them. We had developed a way to communicate and most of the time we made the mistake of invalidating each others feelings. If you ask me it was what we knew from when we were 17. I don't think either of us realized that we were growing up and we couldn't communicate like we were 17 anymore.<P>It breaks my heart to think I made my H feel this way. It breaks my heart to know "now" that he was reaching out and I shut the door. At the same time he shut the door on me too. I blame myself for the downfall of our marriage but I DO NOT blame myself for the affair. If he would have come to me and said "I'm being pursued and am interested in someone else but I love you....." we could have worked through this together. But I also think even if I had realized his needs then this still would have happened. It takes extreme measures for my H to open his eyes. I hope they are open for good. <P>So again. You are not at fault. Do not carry this burden. Leave it at your H doorstep. Your needs were being overlooked too. And you didn't end up in someone elses bed. LSM<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate